Do you think a users ever change?

[Mb1212]

My most recent ex boyfriend physically hurt me on multiple occasions in our almost 2 year relationship. He had punched me with a closed fist, pushed me, choked me, I've been on the ground in a ball while he took hits at me and the last incident he punched me in the nose which caused my nose piercing to rip out ( very awful experience). I always took him back because I believed he couldn't control it. In the beginning it happened about once a week but after the nose incident he hadn't touched me in that way in months. I still got the threats that he was going to " beat my ****ing ass" when we were fighting but nothing more. Do a users ever change do you think? I still find myself excusing his behavior and sadly still miss him. Has anyone ever dealt with a toxic relationship like this?

[ButterflyWrists]

Not sure why you are calling him a user... He's an abuser, and no they never change. He wont change and you are better off without him, what he did was awful, but he knew exactly what he was doing and he was enjoying it, it is the same for every abuser they love having that power, the power to destroy you and knowing they can do it over and over again.

I think you should get some therapy as you could end up following the same patterns in relationships or even turn around and become what he was when you feel threatend or under attack which is not good.

 

I still excuse my ex abusers behaviour blaming myself, but it never was, as hard as it is to say that when I believe other wise I know it wasn't. Keep strong!

[Seraphim]

No abusers do not change. They only get worse. Please get some therapy so you don't feel you are worth this behavior.

 

My mother's best friend is in a cemetery because she married an abuser.

[lavenderdove]

Honey, please google 'cycle of abuse' and read up on it. Abusive relationship can be addictive because they are a roller coaster ride of honeymoon periods followed by abuse erupting (verbal or physical), and it is very dramatic and exciting, but in the end terribly dangerous and in many cases fatal.

 

Some abusers can change, but the overwhelmingly majority of them don't. And those who do change only do it after therapy with a professional counselor who is trained to deal with abusive and abusive relationships.

 

In your case, if he did this once a week, he is a SERIOUS abuser, and his behavior now is probably only temporary controlled because the last incident was serious enough to leave physical damage that could be used a very clear evidence in a trial if he got prosecuted. No one in their right mind would rip out their own nose ring, so he knows if you go to the police with visible evidence of his attacks he most likely would go to jail.

 

btw, they CAN control it but chooses not to... the making of an abuser is a complex set of events that happens based on a combination of personality and their upbringing, where many of them have witnessed their own mothers being abused and think it is OK or normal for a man to attack a woman. He feels it is his right and in fact his job to keep you under control, and feels no obligation to control himself. But he is not a robot who can't help it, he is a man who makes choices to brutalize and dominate someone he loves. He just doesn't know what real love is, and feels entitled to treat you any way he pleases like you're his property and personal punching bag.

 

Please call a domestic abuse hotline or a local woman's shelter and start talking to these about them and how to safely get free and get away from an abuser. They can also hook you up with therapy to help you understand what is going on her and help give you courage to break away from him and respect yourself enough to know that you deserve a man who loves you, not one who beats you and treats you this way.

[Your Prince]

I was in a relationship with this one girl, when we were friends, we would horseplay alot & call each other names because we didn't really think much of it. It was all fun. Then we dated, & when we argued, she was very demanding, rude, & selfish, always yelling, insulting me despite my overall submissive approach to conflict. Sometimes, I would get really mad & yell or physically threaten to hurt her by making grasping movements with my hands, punching walls, & hitting myself. This affected her very much emotionally. Over time, I did change to be a much more calm person. The thing is, she didn't change. Her behavior & treatment of me only got much worse, go that cancelled out the progress I had made & during arguments I would sometimes end up acting how I had. Basically, I did change, she just didn't notice it because she provoked angst inside me much more once I had changed. I never struck her when we were together. One time I held her back with my arm when she was walking away, & she tells people that i choked her, but that's it. I don't know what use that is to you, but I thought someone else's story might help.

[cadmiumblue]

*shakes head*

 

My mom's ex boyfriend was an abuser.

 

No, they don't change. Get away before he kills you.

[iamkaylee]

No, he is not going to change. In extremely rare cases, they can learn to control their actions and stop hitting but their core personality does not change, they are still abusers. Stay away from him. There are no excuses for what he's done. None, period.

[becomingkate]

In the beginning it happened about once a week but after the nose incident he hadn't touched me in that way in months. I still got the threats that he was going to " beat my ****ing ass" when we were fighting but nothing more. Do a users ever change do you think? I still find myself excusing his behavior and sadly still miss him.

 

I wonder what your childhood was like.

 

I've known women that grew up in houses with abuse, and they never really saw violent behaviour as a red flag. Or maybe you think that you'll never find another "intense" love like that again. Maybe you're addicted to the drama and adrenaline that goes with it, or think that you don't deserve a normal, loving relationship.

 

Those are the only reasons I can think of that you still love and miss him, in spite of the fact that he hurt and threatened you repeatedly. Men like this never change, they get worse! And if you ever have children, you put them at risk for abuse as well.

 

I always took him back because I believed he couldn't control it.

 

He didn't have to control it or work on it because you always took him back.

[Cheetarah]

People think abusers are out of control, 'can't help it', but the truth of the matter is they have excellent control. It's a choice. Have you ever seen the "magical" transformations when someone else makes an appearance?

 

My neighbor's ex, for example, one day punched out her window. The police were there and he was going off, screaming obscenities. Then he noticed me coming home. He went from acting like a raving lunatic to stopping dead in his tracks and saying "Oh, hey Cheetarah! How are you? Were you shopping?" with a big smile on his face. When I went in the house, I could hear him starting up again.

 

He can control it.

 

btw, they CAN control it but chooses not to... the making of an abuser is a complex set of events that happens based on a combination of personality and their upbringing, where many of them have witnessed their own mothers being abused and think it is OK or normal for a man to attack a woman. He feels it is his right and in fact his job to keep you under control, and feels no obligation to control himself. But he is not a robot who can't help it, he is a man who makes choices to brutalize and dominate someone he loves. He just doesn't know what real love is, and feels entitled to treat you any way he pleases like you're his property and personal punching bag.

 

^ This.

[Mb1212]

Not sure why you are calling him a user... He's an abuser, and no they never change. He wont change and you are better off without him, what he did was awful, but he knew exactly what he was doing and he was enjoying it, it is the same for every abuser they love having that power, the power to destroy you and knowing they can do it over and over again.

I think you should get some therapy as you could end up following the same patterns in relationships or even turn around and become what he was when you feel threatend or under attack which is not good.

 

I still excuse my ex abusers behaviour blaming myself, but it never was, as hard as it is to say that when I believe other wise I know it wasn't. Keep strong!

 

 

Meant to type abusers, stupid ipad.. lol. Thank you for your advice

[Mb1212]

Thank you so much. We've already broken up and i've blocked his number so we have no contact and i'll be moving to another state in a week and a half. I've already gotten free, just struggling with the thoughts still going through my head.

[Mb1212]

I had a very healthy and normal childhood actually. I think the main reasons i stayed for so long was because i had no self worth and didn't think i deserved better. When someones constantly bringing you down it wears on your confidence.

[becomingkate]

I had a very healthy and normal childhood actually. I think the main reasons i stayed for so long was because i had no self worth and didn't think i deserved better. When someones constantly bringing you down it wears on your confidence.

 

It does. I'm glad that you're broken up and moving on. Good luck with everything, and I hope the move goes well!

[itsmylifenow]

no - they don't change. I am going through a similar period right now - will be 5 weeks tomorrow since I left my ex. It is so hard sometimes. I recommend reading a lot on the subject. That has helped me put things in perspective. " But He'll Change " by Joanna Hunter, "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft & "It's My Life Now" by Meg Kennedy Dugan & Roger Hock were all really eyeopening & helpful.

 

Stay strong & keep posting. You are not alone.

[vegaslady]

He thinks you are garbage. They are hardwired this way, it's ingrained in their psyche and they have no remorse. Trust me, I got out and found myself and now I am whole again and EMPOWERED!

 

THEY NEVER EVER EVER EVER CHANGE!