to those who never talked to their ex again

[einsteins_girl]

I don't expect many responses to this post, mostly because I can't imagine there are many people out there in this situation. I've never known anyone in this situation... except me. Just a tiny bit of background: I was with my ex for 6 years. We broke up 8 months ago, in January. "Officially," I broke up with him, but I would contest that the BU was forced on me, and the emotions I've felt have been more similar to a dumpee's than a dumper's.

 

Since the BU, I have not heard from my ex once. No phone calls. No emails. No texts. No smoke signals or passenger pigeons. Nothing.

 

I contacted him twice, once to congratulate him on something (left a voicemail), and the 2nd time, I forwarded an email to him, about a rare "once-in-a-lifetime" sale that would have been of interest to him. The first contact was 3 months after the BU. The second was 8 days ago. Obviously, he did not respond to either.

 

So, this post is directed at those of you who were in a relatively lengthy relationship (let's say, over a year) and who, after the BU, have yet to hear from your ex again (again, after some significant time passed - let's say, over 6 months).

 

Obviously, I can never say never, and I suppose it's always possible until one of us dies that I could hear from him, but since it's been 8 months, I'm now working with the assumption that I will never hear from him again and that our last conversation (which was brutal) was the last time we'll ever talk to each other.

 

My question is: How have you dealt with that? Do you still hold out hope? If not, how long did it take you to give up? Did you ever try to initiate contact and receive no response, or have you too never made an attempt at contact?

 

Even if you're healed now, does it still bug you?

 

It still bugs me. A lot. It's one of the few things left that bugs me. I've dealt with and let go of a lot of it, but this really bugs me - that, after six years, he truly could walk away and never, ever look back.

[Hell_On_Heels]

Is it possible that he blames you for the breakup even though it was forced on you?

 

I am on the other side of that coin. My ex asked me for a divorce, and he was incredibly brutal through the process. I went from wanting time apart and then counseling to see if we could save our marriage to knowing I could never deal with him again. I had lost all trust and all respect for him. I knew he was emotionally dangerous to me, and I wanted no part of him.

 

Ironically, he wanted to consider reuniting 3 months after our divorce was final. I emailed him, telling that when I think of him, it's with gratitude that he pushed for the divorce. I was so unhappy with him. And happy without him. I told him to never contact me again. I changed my phone number and blocked my accounts from him. I seriously don't ever want to talk to him again. The cruelty was beyond anything I'd experienced before, and he had no cause to be that vicious. If I want a poisonous snake in my life, I'll get one at the pet store.

 

The point of this was to suggest that maybe he (your ex) is seeing himself as the victim here?

[einsteins_girl]

It is possible he sees himself as the victim, I suppose. Our final conversation (which was over the phone) began over something very stupid and escalated. He began nitpicking things I do/don't do, and eventually he said, "You're basically useless." When I told him how it made me feel to hear him say that, he asked if I "was done with my pity party" or if he should keep waiting. I told him that I felt he had become emotionally abusive recently, and he lost it. He started swearing at me, basically suggesting I was ungrateful for the things he had done for me over the years. Then he said we'd talk that night, and he hung up on me. I called him back. He didn't answer. I left a message and told him to pack his things and be out of my apartment by the time I got home from work. He did. The end.

 

I ended things because I couldn't let him treat me that way. Honestly, he seemed like a totally different person during that call. I was in shock. I was devastated. But I tried to do what was best for me.

 

That said, I suspect he has focused, not on what he said to me, but on the fact I suggested he was being abusive. I suspect he has made me the villain.

 

But, even if he has, I was very kind in my call to him, congratulating him, three months after the BU. People I know - people who are straight shooters with me - said it was an incredibly kind and thoughtful gesture. They have been baffled by his lack of a response and his continued silence.

 

I don't know.

[calichick007]

Hi EG -

 

I just had a look back through your threads over the past few years, and I think he is doing you a huge favor by not contacting you. Maybe go back and read a few threads for yourself... remind yourself how incredibly unhappy you were and how poorly he treated you a lot of the time. I don't find it odd that he hasn't contacted you, considering some of the pretty heartless things he has said/done to you over the years. I know it sucks, but it sounds like he was checked out long before you pulled the trigger.

 

ETA: I think your gestures were very kind. I just think they are wasted on a not so awesome person.

[einsteins_girl]

Hi EG -

 

I just had a look back through your threads over the past few years, and I think he is doing you a huge favor by not contacting you. Maybe go back and read a few threads for yourself... remind yourself how incredibly unhappy you were and how poorly he treated you a lot of the time. I don't find it odd that he hasn't contacted you, considering some of the pretty heartless things he has said/done to you over the years. I know it sucks, but it sounds like he was checked out long before you pulled the trigger.

 

ETA: I think your gestures were very kind. I just think they are wasted on a not so awesome person.

 

 

Thanks, calichick. It's weird because I agree with you to a large degree. I mean, I actually know it would be bad for him to contact me because it might just pull me in. I really do know that. Yet somehow I can't stop feeling really hurt that he hasn't tried or reached out to apologize for being an a$$. It is this weird push-pull feeling I have about the whole thing, knowing I should be relieved that I'm not stuck in the cycle but feeling really awful that he hasn't reached out. I try to fight it, but it makes me feel pretty bad about myself to know that someone could hurt me and walk away and never, ever once feel like I deserve more than that. That's kind of why I posted this thread, to see if others in a similar situation have felt the same inner conflict about it.

 

My therapist believes he is "missing parts" and is incapable of feeling actual love. She may be right, although it breaks my heart to think that's true. But, given everything, it's kind of seeming that way...

[Monet00]

Funny...my ex blamed me for everything like I was just dating my d a m n self! haha!

 

Sometimes, we are so fixated on missing this hole of an a s s that we forget the heartless things they put us through.

 

You may not realize it now, but you're better off without him. Think of the things you no longer have to stress about since you are now removed from that relationship.

 

Yes, there might have been great times, but a MAN that truly loves you will fight, not run when he is given the green light. Let him go figure himself out & you continue to work on you!

 

XOXO,

 

Momo

[secondchance67]

How have you dealt with that?

 

It was very difficult at first....we went from living together for 4 years to absolute ZERO in 24 hours. I was completely cut off, erased, flushed out of her system seemingly overnight.

It was almost surreal...I was sure she'd be back.....if I just held on and stayed true to her and my feeling for us....she'd be back.

I realized over time, with the help of a great therapist and ENA, that she has some serious emotional issues that have and will continue to plague her and ruin her relationships....I found solace in the fact that it wasn't all me, she did this to me, and the guy before me...the pattern is there, and will most likely continue in some manner with my replacement.

Do you still hold out hope?

 

Absolutely not - just the opposite, actually. I never want to hear from her, about her or know anything about her life or the world she lives in. The old saying " Let Sleeping Dogs Lie" couldn't be more appropriate.....I donty cyber stalk, seek out info or snoop into her world....not beacuse I am afraid of what I may find, bt more so because I don't care one way or the other...FINALLY, I could care less what goes on in her head, her world, or her life.

 

If not, how long did it take you to give up?

 

I officially "gave up" somewhere around 7 months in, and then I got the closure I was looking for thru a dear friend whole told me all she knew and it confirmed my gut feeling and it helped me let go; I had the concrete proof I knew all along but couldn't prove....it rocked me, but it also set me free......being vindicated and knowing you were right is enpowering, and that helped me let go. (I made a thread about it here )

 

Did you ever try to initiate contact and receive no response, or have you too never made an attempt at contact?

 

I sent 1 email about 10 days after she left , 3 lines, all "business" about some furniture she left behind and kinda bamboozled me into letting her store at my house. When the intial fog had cleared and I realized how foolish I had been to agree to the arrangement made, I emailed her and asked her to claim the furniture within two weeks.

She never had the courtesy to respond.

She sent me an email mid August, her very first contact in almost 9 months, letting me know her living arrangements were done and she was "settling in" with him as they had moved in together...so NOW she wanted that furniture.... I served my purpose as free storage.... her contact was purely out of necessity and need, nothing more. ( I made a thread about it here)

 

 

Even if you're healed now, does it still bug you?

 

It doesn't bug me as much as reinforce how badly I had compromised my core values, my personal boundaries and overall destruction of my self respect, self worth, and skewed vision of what I wanted and needed......that 6 year hellride will forever be my benchmark for what to never allow to happen to me again, what type of person I am drawn to, and how to watch out for the pitfalls and traps I tend to find myself in over and over.

I think she helped me grow up....even in my mid 40's - I realized how immature I was when it came to R/S's and my part in them....it's a brave thing to admit now, some 10 months later....but I have worked extremely hard to correct those habits and become a better person.

For the longest time I thought I'd never meet another person like her.....and after alot of therapy sessions, self relflection, healing and personal growth, I can honestly say that I hope to never meet someone like her again.

That R/S opened my eyes to my own issues...hang ups...long ignored and over due to be addressed......I actually owe her a huge debt of gratitude and a heartfelt "thank you" for ending it, something I wasn't strong enogh to do on my own.

[calichick007]

I understand. My breakup was a little over a year ago, and my ex never reached out either. I caved and sent him an email around last Christmas... he responded with a very clinical "hope you are well" message and that was that. As much as I know I'm better off without him in my life, it hurts to know that he doesn't care - not enough to reach out, anyway. I just try to remind myself that it isn't a reflection on my self-worth or my loveability, for lack of a better word. But it does hurt, so I understand.

 

And as for the last part of your question, I feel as though I've totally moved on. I've been dating someone else for a few months and like him quite a lot. But yes, it still stings.

[einsteins_girl]

I understand. My breakup was a little over a year ago, and my ex never reached out either. I caved and sent him an email around last Christmas... he responded with a very clinical "hope you are well" message and that was that. As much as I know I'm better off without him in my life, it hurts to know that he doesn't care - not enough to reach out, anyway. I just try to remind myself that it isn't a reflection on my self-worth or my loveability, for lack of a better word. But it does hurt, so I understand.

 

And as for the last part of your question, I feel as though I've totally moved on. I've been dating someone else for a few months and like him quite a lot. But yes, it still stings.

 

Your ex cared enough to send a "hope you are well" message. So, you have that. It probably sounds pathetic, but I would take that. Heck, I would take a "Leave me alone forever" message. At least it would mean I was "important" enough to warrant him typing four words. At this point, I'm apparently not even worth that expenditure of energy.

[calichick007]

I know it's hard to separate the two, but it has nothing to do with your worth. Just like my ex's response didn't mean he cared. My ex is someone who haaaaaaaates to be seen as the bad guy. Can't stand it. There's no way he would have NOT responded, because he will never do anything that would allow someone to perceive him as anything less than totally polite.

 

Anyway, I recall reading your thread about sending him the email and thought it was a pretty bad idea... as much as you might think you'd be okay with no response, that's almost never the case. I'm sorry that triggered these negative feelings in you, but hopefully it will keep you strong enough to keep from contacting him again in the future. So not worth it.

[marshmlofluff]

Remember that the last time he broke up with you, he did exactly the same thing--he left without a proper conversation, he didn't respond to your attempts at contact, he started seeing someone else, etc. He told you later that he thought of you constantly but that his family and friends had advised him not to respond to your contact. All of that is probably the same thing that is happening this time. Especially since his behavior this time is nearly identical to last time: he bought a house, he met someone new, he stopped talking. His way of dealing with the end of things is to shut the door, apparently. It's very possible he is reminding himself that the last time he opened it, things ended up in a second breakup.

 

At this point, I'm apparently not even worth that expenditure of energy.

 

There are people who don't like to go back and revisit their personal failings; they prefer to bury them. He may be one. His silence doesn't necessarily have anything to do with what he thinks you are worth. I mean--look at all the threads of people on here counting off days of NC; it's not that they don't miss their partners and think of them. It may even be that he believes that not being in touch is for both of your good.

 

Anyway, as calichick says, what he thinks you are worth really doesn't matter, because he doesn't have the power to determine your worth, and neither does anybody else.

[einsteins_girl]

I know it's hard to separate the two, but it has nothing to do with your worth. Just like my ex's response didn't mean he cared. My ex is someone who haaaaaaaates to be seen as the bad guy. Can't stand it. There's no way he would have NOT responded, because he will never do anything that would allow someone to perceive him as anything less than totally polite.

 

Anyway, I recall reading your thread about sending him the email and thought it was a pretty bad idea... as much as you might think you'd be okay with no response, that's almost never the case. I'm sorry that triggered these negative feelings in you, but hopefully it will keep you strong enough to keep from contacting him again in the future. So not worth it.

 

While I can see why it might seem that sending that email has made me feel worse, I actually feel pretty much the same as I did before I sent it. Mostly because I knew before I sent it that he wouldn't respond. I've felt pretty much the same way about this for the past 8 months. It irks me to no end. I suppose I may have sent the email thinking he might surprise me, but I knew deep down that it was going to be the same as it has been... silence. So, thankfully(?), it didn't make me feel worse, but it didn't make me feel better either.

[einsteins_girl]

In fact, I should add that I didn't even consider what I would do if he did respond, because I was that sure he wouldn't.

[delicous]

My ex i was with for 2.5 yrs, give or take......and when he broke up with me, we only had contact to move my stuff out, thats it.....never talked about getting back together..............I emailed him 5 x within a 5 months prd, he got married and has not had any contact with me, he has a child with her now........I still think about him though, but I am more in love with someone else who is also being hot and cold and not very easy to be with, but I still think about the other guy, all the time.....I don't know why, ive checked his fb a couple times, sent him a msg about meeting up like a couple mnths ago, he replied NO and thats the end of it.....

[soybeans]

While I can see why it might seem that sending that email has made me feel worse, I actually feel pretty much the same as I did before I sent it. Mostly because I knew before I sent it that he wouldn't respond. I've felt pretty much the same way about this for the past 8 months. It irks me to no end. I suppose I may have sent the email thinking he might surprise me, but I knew deep down that it was going to be the same as it has been... silence. So, thankfully(?), it didn't make me feel worse, but it didn't make me feel better either.

 

Yeah, I feel you on that...

 

When I contacted my ex at the end of August, it didn't tear my world apart but at the same time it didn't do what I thought/hoped it would, which was bring me some kind of clarity or the good ol' "closure" we are all seeking.

 

At first I thought it was good but as time went on I just got even more irritated by the situation and how he handled it (like I was pulling teeth)

 

And I did reach out before that, about 3 months after we broke up, to ask if we could meet since I was in his area but all he did was tell me he didn't think it was a good idea...so I left it at that. I suppose I could have been more persistent but I didn't want to seem desperate...even more than I already did.

 

It does bother me to this day that I was the one who reached out...twice. And he knows he can he just doesn't want to. I've made it clear to him that I'm not angry at him or whatever. I just want him to realize he made a mistake by letting me go but he hasn't and I highly doubt he ever will.

 

It makes me feel pathetic for still not being over it. Pathetic.

[einsteins_girl]

To add insult to injury, it isn't even like my ex cut all ties. He unfriended me on FB, which was kind of unnecessary since I had been deactivated for nearly a year by the time of the BU, but whatever... but he did not unfriend my friends or family. Clearly, he knew where the "unfriend" button was, but he only chose to unfriend me. (I have heard he's now deactivated too.)

 

It's like one slap in the face after another. You won't talk to me. You won't respond to kind gestures from me, but you'll "like" my brother's marathon time and my niece's post about getting her license. W.T.F.

 

(Uh-oh, the anger is surfacing again.....LOL)

[needygf]

Same boat. I know NC is good for healing and it's better not to hear from him. But still, him not bother to contact or ask how i am doing still hurts. It's like I don't mean anything to him, ever.

[lamnas]

Yep, I had a girlfriend of almost eight years that broke up with me that I was obviously very close to. We meant a lot to each other. Its been almost four years and I haven't heard a single thing from her. Still hurts, but not as bad. That pain has mostly been replaced by another girl I fell for who suddenly and unexpectedly walked away a couple weeks ago.

[Slow Club]

I'm in fairly similar situation to you. We were together for over 3 years and have now been broken up for over 1.5 years. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to chat to. I could do with talking to someone who's in a similar situation too tbh.

[Fraggle]

Ahh yes, 9 years and 3 months NC, not a peep, couldn't muster a word for my birthday. Not surprised but disappointed in a strange way. when she walked out of the door 3 months ago having come to drop of the keys to the appt. when she'd got her money it was all "my Mom sys hi", call me if you need to. This is au revoir, not goodbye....

 

***? She broke up with me, although she argues I was the one who pulled the trigger. I like to think of it me holding the gun, she pulled the trigger. Things hadn't been good in the lead up to Xmas and after. She subsequently admitted she checked out without talking to me after 9 years. I wasn't happy but asked her umpteen times if she was sure she wanted to leave me and to settle to get her off the property. She said yes.... then 6 weeks later she tried to seduce me. I completely blanked it...

 

All that seems like another story a weird double life.... I think its the 3 months NC that is getting to me now, but equally I know it is best that she doesn't contact me, it would only hurt. DO I miss her? No but like someone else said about their RS somewhere here I miss us and the close friendship we had. But it hadn't been a proper relationship for a while....

 

Do I hope that I hear from her, no not really I just need to move on and let the dust settle and allow me to become me again. It will take time and perhaps no news or contact from her will only speed things up. Luckily I don't do Facebook or twitter and I only see 2 mutual friends we had and they are understanding and don't say a word about her and I don't think they say anything to her either....

 

EG don't let the silence get to you, let it be an affirmation that what happened was the right thing and its hard to know exactly what they are thinking even when you think you know them... they aren't the person you knew.

 

Enjoy the silence, don't suffer in it

 

Fragpopper

[gerberadaisy]

Funny...my ex blamed me for everything like I was just dating my d a m n self! haha!

 

Sometimes, we are so fixated on missing this hole of an a s s that we forget the heartless things they put us through.

 

You may not realize it now, but you're better off without him. Think of the things you no longer have to stress about since you are now removed from that relationship.

 

Yes, there might have been great times, but a MAN that truly loves you will fight, not run when he is given the green light. Let him go figure himself out & you continue to work on you!

 

XOXO,

 

Momo

 

 

I agree Monet!!! Could not have said it better myself! The pain of staying w/someone that is a jerk is far greater than the pain of being alone. EG lets be strong, we're better off! I hope I don't ever hear from him...but then at the same time I do...but I'd be better off if he didn't.

[pl3asehelp]

To me, this is not unusual, it's in fact normal. When a relationship is over, it's over - no need to be in touch as all that can do is interfere with the present relationship.

[gerberadaisy]

I agree! Nice posting...it gives me hope. I enjoy the NC.

[gerberadaisy]

EG, I think that holding on to the hope that someday he'll contact you will only make you stay in the past. It won't allow you to meet someone new and give it all b/c in the back of your mind you are always waiting.

[nutbrownhare]

I've only had one communication from my ex since we broke up. The substance of it was to complain that I'd taken his cheese grater. I didn't respond (though I did leave a cheese grater when I went to pick up the remains of my stuff). That was over six months ago, and I'm very grateful he hasn't tried to get in touch. He is someone I'm thankful is out of my life for ever.