picture of another woman

[Hell_On_Heels]

I haven't been here in ages, and was on another portion of this forum back then...so this is where I'm turning to for input. I've been with my BF for 2 years. We live together.

 

This morning I saw a picture of another woman in his phone. She's quite pretty.

 

When he realized he had skimmed over to it, he quickly went backwards in his picture gallery. I had already seen it, and asked him who it was. He said that it was a coworker, and that he had taken her picture to attach it to her text so he'd know who she was. He said she would be texting us for a Halloween party.

 

Seriously? That makes no sense at all.

 

I started getting ready for work, thinking this over. He came after me and asked what was wrong. I said that the picture was disturbing. He started to get defensive - ready to go on the attack - and I said I didn't want to talk about it. We didn't email or text all day, and he's out tonight until late.

 

I'm not a jealous person, and I have no problem with his female friends. But this strikes me as wrong - I can't imagine he would appreciate finding pictures of men in my phone. We have a fairly open relationship in terms of sharing passwords and access to each other's laptops. We don't invade each other's privacy. He bought a new Galaxy phone recently, and he uses his face as the password to get into it. I mention this because it's the first time I've been locked out of anything. I generally don't mind until he forgets to take it off the charger and the morning alarm goes off (lol). But now, of course, I'm now asking myself whether he used a picture ID to keep me out, or because it's a cool gadget.

 

I am wondering if others would also feel uncomfortable with a woman's picture in their BF's phone. I'm trying to decide if this is my baggage, or would most people have an issue with this?

 

Thanks!

[Monet00]

Hey there...

 

Listen honey, your intuition is your best friend. Women know when something is not right. His actions and his defensive response to your concerns pretty much shows that he is guilty. His excuse as to why the picture is even in his phone is very *** worthy.

 

If his behavior suddenly changes as far as having a face recognition on his phone, I would definitely question his motives. Especially if there wasn't a need for a "lock" previously. I can speak from experience. A man will get defensive mainly when he has a reason to....think about it.

 

Since you don't have any concrete proof that he his lying besides his defensive response, I would simply ask him to remove the lock from his phone - this is followed by either a yes or a no. If he says no, say OK very calmly and walk away. No need to argue with a man not willing to compromise....

 

What you do & take his refusal as (if that happens) is totally up to you. Stand up for what you believe in, though. Intuition is my best friend!

 

XOXO,

 

Momo

[abitbroken]

Well - if there was only ONE photo I wouldn't worry about it. My aunt has photos of all of her different coworkers who call and all of us on her iPhone so when we call the picture comes up. It is easier that way when she is driving - she can't read the number but sees the picture larger and then decides to pick up or wait until she gets to her destination. If he was able to answer you without hesitation and didn't seem flustered, I wouldn't get bent out of shape, especially if you didn't see any other pics of her on the phone, especially if the rest of your relationship is good.

 

Since you don't have any concrete proof that he his lying besides his defensive response, I would simply ask him to remove the lock from his phone - this is followed by either a yes or a no. If he says no, say OK very calmly and walk away. No need to argue with a man not willing to compromise..

He was NOT defensive when he told her who it was and why, he only got defensive when she later was upset about the photo. He could very well think she is thinking he was cheating or doing something wrong and he probably feels a little put off by the fact she would even think that.

 

Especially if there wasn't a need for a "lock" previously.

 

she said its a brand new phone. Maybe the old one didn't have it.

 

BTW, I have a lock on my phone not to specifically keep my bf out but to keep anybody who picks up my phone out. I don't get why people in relationships think they should have all the other person's passwords unless they are married and its their bank account. Also, I feel strongly that I should never go into my bf's wallet or phone without him directing me to - "would you go in my wallet and grab me X" and he feels the same way about going into my purse. He won't, even when its open.

 

Having an open phone is not a remedy for a girlfriend's insecurity. if she wants she should meet the coworkers and realize she has nothing to worry about.

 

With everyone having facebook and everyone's photo, its not weird to me to have a photo as a contact photo.

 

If there was no reason to ever think the bf was cheating otherwise, i would not let insecurity ruin a relationship.

 

I mean, if she was really heavy and 50 years old, would you have had the same reaction?

[Ms Darcy]

The picture is not a problem ... it's his explanation and defensive reaction. Doesn't make sense to me.

 

When things don't make sense they seem like lies.

 

I would keep your eyes open.

 

I think sharing passwords is generally a bad idea as well. It makes you suspicous if one starts using one. But changes in behavior are things to take note of - no doubt.

[Monet00]

He was NOT defensive when he told her who it was and why, he only got defensive when she later was upset about the photo. He could very well think she is thinking he was cheating or doing something wrong and he probably feels a little put off by the fact she would even think that.

 

So can you explain to me why a man would get defensive if his girlfriend has legitimate concerns revolving around an UNKNOWN female in his phone? This isn't an insecurity issue...this is respect. Let me ask you something...if your significant other suddenly had something pop up that caught you off guard, would you have this same mindset? Especially if this is out of the norm? It is not like she kept harping on the issue. He asked a question about what was bothering her and she answered honestly.

 

To me, this isn't about insecurity. She even stated herself :

I'm not a jealous person, and I have no problem with his female friends.

 

But if an unknown female is suddenly in his phone...this is not known behavior, so of course she is going to feel a certain way about it.

 

HELL_ON_HEELS: Communication is key here, and like I said, him being defensive doesn't make the situation better. You are not being insecure, you are being honest about your feelings and communicating that to him. So proceed with caution.

 

XOXO,

 

Monet

[Hell_On_Heels]

Thanks for your responses I appreciate it.

 

A little more background - up until late July, my BF and I worked at the same place (different depts and floors). I've met most of his coworkers, or at least heard of them before. He was able to come to my new job for lunch last week to meet my new team (all male).

 

We tend to keep things very open so that there isn't suspicions or concern. When something is innocent, you generally don't take any moves to hide it. We set up shared passwords long ago, mainly because we sometimes need a 2nd laptop. I take online classes, and he made sure I'd always have access and the technology I need.

 

He takes a lot of pictures, usually while he's running. He coaches for marathon training, and there's a ton of pictures of women in his phone. He's never acted this way about them before. He usually tells me who they are, and a bit about them if I happen to see them - like the gorgeous mom who did her morning run with a baby trailer and kid in tow. (You can't help but be impressed with her dedication.) He tells me about the guys, too, and even their dogs.

 

That's what so weird about this situation - he's acting guilty. Why he's acting guilty is the million dollar question. Is he acting defensive because he knows this could cause a fight? Is he knee-jerking to his own past where women usually have been jealous? Or is there something more going on?

 

I know only time will tell on that. Blehhhh. (wry grin).

It's very helpful to know that the behavior surrounding his actions would make you guys ask questions, too. I don't have a strong concept of what "normal" is, so my first questions are usually about my own behavior.

 

When he came home last night, he asked me if I still didn't want to talk about it. He was already tensed up, which means I would get exactly nowhere. So I opted to wait. I know this drives him crazy (when I wait to talk it through). I feel bad, but if it's just going to be ugly or pointless, I'd rather wait. I know him (grin), and I know he's got a whole lot of attack comments just waiting for me. He openly admits this is his style of fighting. All things considered, I don't know why he can't just offer some concern for my feelings on it. He's a proud man, and would rather die, I think.

 

Can you imagine the conversation? It would become a chicken-or-the-egg thing.

Why are you upset?

Because you're acting guilty.

I'm acting guilty because you're upset!

[becomingkate]

My daughter has a smart phone, and has pics of everyone that display who's calling; if my husband had pics of everyone he works with it wouldn't bother me. If he only had one pic of a girl he works with and no one else, I might start thinking he was using the smart phone as a way of flirting/interacting with someone he's attracted to. Or maybe he was just figuring out the technology.

 

I guess it would depend on what he says and how he acts. If nothing else, you can have the conversation about boundaries so that this doesn't happen again.

[Lester]

Jealous? Of course you/we are! Only when these things hit close to home do you find out the truth.

 

You seem like a very smart girl. Trust yourself!

 

PS, Living with a man will not change a hair on his head! Don’t waste the prime years of your life finding this out.

[lavenderdove]

If he has lots of pictures of lots of people on his phone, i wouldn't overreact just because one of them happens to be pretty.

 

BUT if he acts weird about one particular picture that would bother me. Liars frequently follow the principle of 'too many details'... they KNOW they are lying and covering up, so they start to volunteer all kinds of explanations and random details, and elaborate more and more to embellish the lie hoping to convince you it is true.

 

So if you asked the question who she was and he had simply replied 'she's a co-worker' and then moved on, that was probably the simple truth. But he then elaborates to explain why he has her picture, which really isn't necessary since you already know he takes all kinds of pictures of random people. Then he suddenly swtiches to a non sequitor that she will be texting to invite you to a halloween party, as in 'don't worry if you see any texts on my phone from her, everything is cool'! So he obviously was a bit nervous, but the real question is was he nervous becasue he is up to something and is afraid he will get caught, or just worried about your reaction to seeing pictures of women on his phone.

 

I would first wait and see if that halloween invitation does actually show up or not. And i wouldn't probe him with questions over her, just let thim talk and see what he reveals. if he is very nervous and gives elaborate explanations when you're not even making accusations, or if he starts spending a lot of time talking about her, then it might be trouble. if he's not involved with her or interested in her, she'll be a non-issue and not reason to think or talk about her.

 

you also need to be careful if he was previously very open then suddenly starts becoming secretive and does things like lock you out of his phone. Perhaps he loves that new app on the phone, but then why bother to even lock the phone when he hasn't felt the need in the past?

[Hell_On_Heels]

Thank you

 

There's jealous and then there's jealous (lol). Sure, we all feel the twinge of it, but we usually realize it's an emotional reaction based more on ourselves than anything else. We can be open about it and shrug it off.

Then there's the nasty kind of jealousy complete with accusations, checking up on your SO, and endless suspicion. Blech! I am not that kind of jealous.

[Miss Firecracker]

He has a photo of a lovely woman so he can remember who she is? I hate to laugh, but...

 

You aren't jealous. You have good sense.

 

It would seriously creep me out of some man at work were taking photos of me to keep in his phone. Doesn't that sound strange?

[Hell_On_Heels]

I'm curious about whether we'll get that invite, too.

 

Last night he showed me pictures on his phone, mainly scenery ones that he knew I would enjoy. One shot was of a woman picketing in front of the symphony hall. I asked about that one, what was going on. He readily - calmly - explained that our orchestra players have been locked out. (He knows I love politics and always ask about any protests going on, and I love the symphony.)

 

Soooo, of course I don't know if this picture didn't bother him because he was completely innocent, or whether he was trying to be as open as possible since he knew that last picture upset me so much.

 

I noticed that I'm watching him carefully now. I'm a fairly focused person - the kind that can walk right by you while you're talking and not see or hear you if I am lost in thought or activity. Watching him now is making me crazy since I really don't remember what he does normally. (The silly things, like where he puts his phone in the morning, stuff like that.) I didn't see his phone at all this morning, but then I don't know what he normally does with it...It can make a person want to quit just to make the questioning stop.

 

He kept trying to talk about that picture even though I still wasn't ready. He did the defense-offense thing, making a comment about having a picture for a work contact. I said he was probably right, and then he was silent. I think it's bothering him that I haven't explained what I feel. I'm not trying to be mean, though I'm being somewhat mean anyway, but he has a tendency to reject anything he doesn't see as logical. Emotions and spidey-senses just aren't logical, and I don't want to be defending mine.

 

He bought my favorite veggies at the farmer's market yesterday - ones that he doesn't like, so I know they were a gift for me. That was nice.

 

If everything was going well between us, I doubt I'd be having this kind of reaction to his behavior. But we're growing more distant.

He said it's temporary and will right itself once we are finished with our current goals (which keep us both very busy).

I see a big difference between not a lot of time together, and being distant from each other.

 

I guess I should correct my own statements. He still tells me a lot about his jobs, his coaching, friends, etc. He still wants me to sit on the couch with him and watch tv, listen to music, and so on. He's getting most of what he wants. I am not.

 

I have a lot to think about. I don't like feeling this way.

 

Oh, and I wanted to add that his last phone had a lock on it, but I knew the code. This lock is his face, a picture ID. so I know the code, lol, but I can't use it.

[Ms Darcy]

What do you want that you are not getting?