Girlfriend doesn't trust me because I wasn't there for her

[justintime86]

Hey guys,

 

so I've been with a wonderful girl for over a year and a half now, it's completely different from any of my previous relationships, and I know she is the one and she knows I'm the one, that's why I'm having a hard time with this.

 

I started my very first job (after several years of being in job-search mode) about 3 weeks ago, and I'd been working 12 hour days 6 days a week. It was exhausting, and I was dealing with a verbally/mentally abusive boss, but I kept at it because it was a good paying job and I wanted to be established and move in with my girlfriend this year. I had already taken a day off as I came down with the flu, and was already in 'catch up mode' with work when something happened in my girlfriend's life.

 

Her grandmother was in an accident. She was very close to her, more so than she was with her parents & siblings and the rest of her family, so I took another day off and brought her to the hospital a few hours out of town and she found out that they weren't going to be able to do anything for her. I took her home that day, as the funeral was a couple of days away. When she had to head back out of town for that, I wasn't able to take her as I was working that night, and she had to be picked up by her parents. She had told me it was up to me if I wanted to come or not, and I know the answer was obvious, but I was so caught up in catching up with work that I didn't realize I should have taken more days off and gone with her. I called her every night as I do and made sure she was alright, texted her etc., and she kept saying she was doing alright considering the circumstances. At the same time, I had a situation that was escalating at work where the only other 2 people in my division of work had quit because of human rights issues with our boss, and I didn't want to lose this job right then (as much as I had started resenting it) so I waited to see if I could stick around and ask for better hours or something like that. That ultimately didn't work out and I was forced to leave my job the day after, but I wasn't able to go out of town to be with my girlfriend because I didn't have any means of getting there until later that night. So I drove out of town that night and spent the weekend with my girlfriend. She was feeling better that I was there, but I felt like she was a bit more distant with me, so I gave her some space thinking it was because of her grandma.

 

A couple of days later, we came back, and she informed me that she felt distant from me because I wasn't there for her when she needed me, and that it was hard on her because her parents had each other and her siblings had their partners there, but she was the only one alone. She said she still loves me, but she feels that she couldn't trust me as much as she used to, and that she can't have sex with me until she starts trusting me like that again. She didn't say any of this out of anger, she was being honest with me, but it still hurt me because I wanted to be able to take care of her and I clearly failed.

 

Anyway, this is hurting me quite a bit, especially because I don't know what I can do except be there for her and let her gain trust in me again, but I still can't sleep well at night because I didn't know what I was doing was hurting her until it was too late. I don't want to burden her with this especially now since I feel like i've been selfish with my job when she was in mourning, and I don't want all of our conversations to be about me. Any advice on what I should do? how I should be approaching this?

[pl3asehelp]

She sounds immature and like she's never dealt with the loss of a loved one. I don't know where you live, but for me you aren't entitled to days off for a girlfriends grandmothers death - you'd have to take your own vacation or personal time for that and the rules around that are that they're requested at least 2 weeks in advance. You drove her there the first time and took time off and kept in close touch on the phone. I don't think there's anything more you could have reasonably done to be there for her. She doesn't seem to be thinking of you at all, nor appreciating what you did for her. Her parents and siblings were all there for each other because they're family - they could well be entitled to that time off - you're not family. Cutting off sex seems like an immature punishment like reaction. Plus, this has nothing to do with trust. From any perspective you haven't broken anyone's trust - you just didn't do what she expected you to do. Do you really believe you were selfish about your job or are you just saying that because that's basically what she's accusing you of?

[justintime86]

thank you for your response pl3asehelp.

 

She isn't accusing me, for the sake of context; she's 21, and i'm 25, she is being honest with me (she isn't the type of person to place blame on others, she just told me why she was upset as i kept asking her. she didn't even want to tell me because she knew it would upset me). Thing is, she was practically raised by her grandma and not by her parents, it was basically like she lost her only parent in the world, so I can understand that she took it as hard as she did that I wasn't there. of course, I didn't realize how close this relationship was as I had only met her grandmother twice briefly, and she doesn't really talk about her a ton, so I attributed it to a general grandparent relationship in my mind (like the one I have)

 

And the sex thing is...she isn't consciously doing it to punish me i'm sure, she says that it doesn't feel right at this point, and that we can still do everything else but sex, but she isn't 100% comfortable with me at this point because of the way her mentality has shifted a bit. I've been there for her for everything else that has happened to her in the past year and took care of her, and this was the one time I really wasn't, so she's not used to this for sure. Honestly I feel like it wouldn't have been as bad if I wasn't as protective with her in the past

[pinkelephant]

She might not be thinking clearly and is looking for someone/something to blame and put her anger on/toward. You're the target right now, but it's not you. You didn't do anything wrong. You cannot feasibly be there for her every-time she has a crisis. That's not how life works. Life goes on even if you are having a tough time. It doesn't stop just because your girlfriend is having a hard time.

 

People simply grieve in different ways and I think that she should see someone to help her move on and to not place those feelings on you. I wouldn't be upset with her though, I don't think she realizes it.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think her feelings are unreasonable. It sounds like she is being very open about what is going on. It sounds like she thought it was going to be ok if you weren't there but - with the gravity of the loss in her face and feeling left out of her parents' inner circle - she began to need you there.

 

It's a tough situation for sure. Better that she let you know what is going on versus just getting distant and dumping you. And if she's feeling distant, then it makes sense that sex isn't going to happen.

 

I do have to wonder why you didn't go. I cannot imagine wild horses stopping me. My partner would have to specifically ask me NOT to go in order for me to not be there. My work is not more important than the love of my life.

[pl3asehelp]

I still think you did everything you could have reasonably done and certainly didn't do anything to break her trust. If she doesn't want to have sex because she's grieving, well to me that's totally ok and understandable, but if it's because she thinks she can't trust you or that you weren't there for her in this situation, I think that's a problem. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably just give her some time. However, if after some time I still felt she was punishing me for something I don't deserve, I'd push her for an answer on that.

 

I also think it's completely unfair and immature to compare being responsible and fulfilling your commitments at work to asserting that you're selfish and think work is more important than your gf. You very likely could have gotten fired for just saying 'sorry, can't come in - girlfriends grandma died' and then you'd have to deal with being unemployed, finding a place to live, etc. Long term, you're a better partner to your gf by having a job, not by taking more days off when you already took some and were on the phone with her. Too bad she doesn't see that, but at 21, I don't know how many people would.

[justintime86]

Ms Darcy: I know.... I'm not defending myself that I didn't go. I used to tell her too that nothing else mattered and she was the #1 priority in my life, but once I got the job, I got caught up with keeping it since I was unemployed for so long and had to pay off debts and take the steps towards my life with her. I wasn't thinking straight, I was afraid I was going to lose the job as my boss was pretty much telling me that I was **** at it and was wasting my time (which, later, I found out was something he was doing with everyone, hence everyone quitting). I was telling myself I was doing it for her, but I guess I screwed up the present for a shot at the future.

 

I love her, I'm just afraid it's changed her views of me and apparently I can't seem to handle that very well at the moment, heh.

 

It kind of sucks, I got a 'dream job' after years of job searching, and it turns into a ****show and leaves me unemployed 3 weeks later AND puts a dent in my relationship. stellar

[Ms Darcy]

It wasn't the job ... it was the fact that you didn't go with her to the funeral.

 

Now, some people wouldn't have felt the way she felt so I am not suggesting you are the bad guy here. I do think when you reiterate that your partner is the #1 priority, they will tend to hold you to that standard. Then again, it is up to her to let you know what she needs.

 

This is just one where you have to ride it out. People's feelings change all the time in relationships. It is sad but true. I think you both have lessons to learn (she needs to understand her needs and clearly communicate them) from this. In the end, if her feelings come back great. If not, then best to move on.

 

I do think you have great hope in recovering though.

 

Chin up.

[jordesse]

I fully agree with pleasehelp. There is something more going on when "we can still do everything else but sex". That is definitely weird....

[becomingkate]

I agree with pl3asehelp.

 

I can't tell you how many important events I've missed due to work, even though I have made the effort to get the time off. Sometimes it's just not feasible! In fact, this week everyone in our house is trying to organize Thanksgiving (in Canada it comes up very soon) but all three of my daughters are either working the Saturday or holiday Monday and we're going to have to compromise.

 

I really believe that you did all that you could. How important is it to your GF that you are responsible and can care (financially or otherwise) for a family? If you two are so serious that you're talking about moving in together, and eventually marrying and having children, then the choice you made was the right one.

 

I'm not saying I have never pressured my husband, (nor been mad if I was turned down) but it has nothing to do with "trust." It's disappointing, but it wouldn't compel me to withhold sex.