New Relationship with Cheating Ex

[Redtide]

Hello all. I was originally in the 'getting back together' part of this site, where I talked about the falling out of me and my boyfriend H. While he made a lot of mistakes, part of the mistakes were mine as well. He cheated on me horrifically from when we first started dating in March of 2010 to February of 2012, with any woman he could. He was diagnosed as a sex addict that same month, and we had been going to SA meetings, S-Anon and couple therapy... yet I couldn't get over it. I looked over everything looking for evidence he was still cheating and I found none. He has many female friends (always has, well before we were dating when WE were best friends) and I am uncomfortable when he talks to them so much. Last few months, I've been right up crazy. He dumped me because I couldn't let it go and that I was extremely insecure about the relationship. A month later, this saturday, we decided to go on a first date again. We aren't one hundred percent better and he has to make some changes with how he interacts with other women, but like I said, all evidence shows he was faithful. I know the warning signs and I know I can never be blind to it, but how do I let it go? How CAN I be ok that he gets a text from a girl at 10 pm, or some other girl hugs him when she sees him? Because of how bad the cheating was it's so hard to not want to push them away and claim him as mine to other women. What do I do? How do I let go?

[camus154]

You let it go by letting him go.

 

Sorry, OP, this is going to be harsh, but it's meant for your own good: the problem isn't him, it's you.

 

He cheated on you from what I gather to be 2 years straight. Then he supposedly gets diagnosed as a sex addict (isn't that convenient?) and as a result now YOU get to go along to counseling for his "problem". And now he's breaking up with you because you're too "insecure" in the relationship.

 

Wake up, OP. This guy is no good. Forget trying to change him, forget about any "illness" he has. Let him fix that on his own time, while you're off to find a better man.

[Redtide]

Oh, wow. I thought this was a thread about helping people? Sex addiction is a real thing and he was diagnosed by an expert of addictions in the field. A sex addict can love his girlfriend as much as an alcoholic can love his girlfriend... it's a sickness. That's not the kind of advice I'm seeking here, thank you. Like I said, I need to let things go AS WELL AS him making some changes.

[Doc Blaze]

If trust isnt there..it will never work

 

couldnt take back my ex not because i didnt love her but the trust was gone..i didnt want to worry myself to death

[Furbys]

You need trust in a relationship otherwise there is no relationship. You don't trust him. If you cant look past this then you need to leave him.

[ZhaoZilong5]

Yes, this is supposed to be a forum to help people, so ignore camus154's post. If you had cancer, would you take a stranger's advice over an oncologist's? You don't trust him, and the relationship won't work if you don't. One day, your distrust will build upon itself and explode within the relationship. Yes, I would seek counselling. Otherwise, leave him before more damage can be done, and be honest with him about it. I believe that there's a point when things are going downhill, and the problem is known, then it's best to walk away if no solution can be offered before things gets worse.

[camus154]

Oh, wow. I thought this was a thread about helping people? Sex addiction is a real thing and he was diagnosed by an expert of addictions in the field. A sex addict can love his girlfriend as much as an alcoholic can love his girlfriend... it's a sickness. That's not the kind of advice I'm seeking here, thank you. Like I said, I need to let things go AS WELL AS him making some changes.

 

Ok, well...then let it go. There is no "how". It's a choice. Next time some girl texts him at 10 PM, tell yourself it's none of your business because you've chosen to trust him. Each time you feel uneasy about how he acts around a woman, tell yourself you have no right to complain because you chose to trust him. Next time he oopsie-daisies and sleeps with someone because of his illness, tell yourself you knew he was sick and it was your choice to stick by him while he gets better.

 

Get used to telling yourself this, because you're going to be doing it all the time.

 

 

Yes, this is supposed to be a forum to help people, so ignore camus154's post.

 

Yes, because when you get advice that you don't want to hear, clearly that means the advice is bad

[pl3asehelp]

Oh, wow. I thought this was a thread about helping people? Sex addiction is a real thing and he was diagnosed by an expert of addictions in the field. A sex addict can love his girlfriend as much as an alcoholic can love his girlfriend... it's a sickness. That's not the kind of advice I'm seeking here, thank you. Like I said, I need to let things go AS WELL AS him making some changes.

 

Well, to deal with an alcoholic family member, you need to seek out professional support groups or a therapist - I'd say you need to do the same here. If it's anything like alcoholism, he needs to completely 100% stop cold turkey and I would assume that means cutting all of these women out of his life 100%. If he's not willing to do that, that's akin to an alcoholic deciding to drink on occasion - in other words, NOT dealing with their problem. Al-anon support would tell you to cut that person off until they decide they're going to commit to sobriety. So, I'd say you probably need to cut him off as well until he takes his recovery seriously and cuts these women out of his life. Part of supporting someone with an addiction includes cutting them off when they are not helping themselves in the way they need to - this is to protect you and to motivate the addict to take recovery seriously. If you continue to let him be part of your life while he makes a joke of his recovery, you both will just continue to suffer.

 

If S-Anon's version of recovery from this addiction includes permitting him to have a large stable of female friends who call him at night, then I wouldn't even bother trying to continue this. It's ludicrous to think a sex addict can have all those women around and be taking calls from them late - that's no recovery.

[markie6]

We each react differently to different type of advice / help .... so don't shoot the messenger just because you don't believe it's helpful. We are all free to ignore anything we don't believe helps us without taking offence

 

What I would say , is to all , if you don't appreciate the OP's situation , haven't followed all her posts and maybe have nothing constructive to say, then perhaps give it a miss , reply to the next one

 

However mentioning cheater in the thread title will arouse peoples emotions, especially if it has happened to them... She is trying to deal with her situation and is obviously struggling , so go easy

 

Yes, this is supposed to be a forum to help people, so ignore camus154's post. If you had cancer, would you take a stranger's advice over an oncologist's? You don't trust him, and the relationship won't work if you don't. One day, your distrust will build upon itself and explode within the relationship. Yes, I would seek counselling. Otherwise, leave him before more damage can be done, and be honest with him about it. I believe that there's a point when things are going downhill, and the problem is known, then it's best to walk away if no solution can be offered before things gets worse.

[Seraphim]

Experts in addiction will also tell you that addicts can not have relationships while in recovery because it diverts them from their own recovery.

[Seraphim]

Ok, well...then let it go. There is no "how". It's a choice. Next time some girl texts him at 10 PM, tell yourself it's none of your business because you've chosen to trust him. Each time you feel uneasy about how he acts around a woman, tell yourself you have no right to complain because you chose to trust him. Next time he oopsie-daisies and sleeps with someone because of his illness, tell yourself you knew he was sick and it was your choice to stick by him while he gets better.

 

Get used to telling yourself this, because you're going to be doing it all the time.

 

 

 

 

Yes, because when you get advice that you don't want to hear, clearly that means the advice is bad

 

I agree, letting go of a past is a choice there is no HOW to do it. You either do or you don't.

[Seraphim]

Ok, well...then let it go. There is no "how". It's a choice. Next time some girl texts him at 10 PM, tell yourself it's none of your business because you've chosen to trust him. Each time you feel uneasy about how he acts around a woman, tell yourself you have no right to complain because you chose to trust him. Next time he oopsie-daisies and sleeps with someone because of his illness, tell yourself you knew he was sick and it was your choice to stick by him while he gets better.

 

Get used to telling yourself this, because you're going to be doing it all the time.

 

 

 

 

Yes, because when you get advice that you don't want to hear, clearly that means the advice is bad

I agree too. Sometimes the warm fuzzy advice is not always what is needed. Some times people need a kick in the pants. People also give different advice based on their own experiences. People can not get what they always want to hear. That is not always helpful.

[iamkaylee]

Sex addiction isn't 'officially' an addiction nor is it in the DSM yet as far as I know.

 

But an addict is an addict. You can't be an alcoholic and drink socially or have 'just one beer'. You can't be addicted to coke and do oxy instead. It doesn't work that way. Sex addiction therapy that I've seen involves removing ALL sexual contact/stimulus from your life. No porn, no strip joints, no sex at all period (for at least a year) in addition to removing yourself from the influences and people that provoke the addiction. An alcoholic won't go hang out in his favorite bar and drink coffee. A drug addict is not going to go to a party where he knows the dust will be flying.

 

Addiction isn't just about the substance of addiction. It's also a behavioral trait. It's not uncommon for an addict to kick one substance only to become addicted to another. If he's still exhibiting the same type of behaviors as before, maybe he's not 'using' but he's still in denial about his addiction and will fall back again if tempted enough or has a good enough excuse like a bad fight between you two. If that's the case, he'll blame you for 'pushing him to do it because you didn't trust him'.

 

If he's broken your trust enough to where you can't let this go, it's time to end the relationship. If he's trying to change he deserves someone that can and will trust him. You also deserve someone you can trust, who won't always be a huge question mark in your mind.

[ZhaoZilong5]

Yes, because when you get advice that you don't want to hear, clearly that means the advice is bad

 

We each react differently to different type of advice / help .... so don't shoot the messenger just because you don't believe it's helpful. We are all free to ignore anything we don't believe helps us without taking offence

 

What I would say , is to all , if you don't appreciate the OP's situation , haven't followed all her posts and maybe have nothing constructive to say, then perhaps give it a miss , reply to the next one

 

However mentioning cheater in the thread title will arouse peoples emotions, especially if it has happened to them... She is trying to deal with her situation and is obviously struggling , so go easy

 

I'm looking at it objectively. I'm biased against cheaters, but at the same time, the OP's situation has a professional involved. A professional has credibility, whereas a random stranger has none. In light of that fact, I can't give my opinion to what the OP wants. The OP wants advice on what she can do. camus154 blaming it on the OP isn't helpful, because there is strictly no evidence that she's the problem of the entire situation.

 

Look into your own professional fields. How often is a layman's opinion vs. your opinion ever actually correct? I would be willing to bet almost never. Who are we to be so pompous enough to think that we know more than somebody who spent 4 years in undergrad, 4 years in grad school, and however many years in residency and possibly a fellowship studying the subject matter?

 

She obviously wants to stay with him, and her situation is backed by professional opinion, so telling her to leave is unhelpful and counterproductive. At the very least, we should have the common sense to know that she won't heed that kind of advice, especially given what's backing her. Helpful advice would be something like...going to couple's counselling, therapy, or whatever it is that people who actually try to work things out would do.

 

The only reason why I'm getting involved here is because she's been cheated on, and he has a disorder defined by the APA (formerly defined), ASAM, and WHO, yet we're going to have posters blame her?

 

Experts in addiction will also tell you that addicts can not have relationships while in recovery because it diverts them from their own recovery.

 

Hmm...I've seen recovering addicts able to keep their marriages with varying degrees of success, but I'm mainly speaking of recovering alcoholics. They might be exceptions, since I haven't done much research on that particular subject.

 

I agree too. Sometimes the warm fuzzy advice is not always what is needed. Some times people need a kick in the pants. People also give different advice based on their own experiences. People can not get what they always want to hear. That is not always helpful.

 

When did we decide that cheating is the fault of the person who was cheated on? I would argue that if she constantly stayed only to be cheated on again and again, but that's not what's happening or being talked about here.

 

Sex addiction isn't 'officially' an addiction nor is it in the DSM yet as far as I know.

 

The ASAM has it defined, and it's also in the ICD. As far as I know, it used to be in the DSM but was recently removed due to considerations that it may be a symptom of many other disorders, so it just needs to be re-classified.

 

Anyway, time to lighten the mood. How about some irrelevant statement like, "FOR SCIENCE!" No? That didn't work? Damn...

[camus154]

Wow, that's perhaps the biggest strawman argument I've seen for quite some time. My point had nothing to do with whether the boyfriend actually has a sexual addition. My point is that it doesn't matter. I don't care if he has a demon inside of him telling to cheat on her. In the end, the only thing the OP can control is herself.

 

That's not "blaming" the OP for having been cheated on. It's holding her accountable for her choices. The OP was cheated on for two years, was dumped for having "insecurities" caused by this, and now she's considering going back to this guy--and you think we should just tell her to stick with counseling instead of not putting herself in that position again? I don't think so. You can tell her that if you'd like, but I think that's horrible advice for the sake of placating her and telling her what she wants to hear.

[Seraphim]

I am. NOt blaming her. I am speaking to the fact that people want warm fuzzy advice for everything and that is not going to happen.

[leftme]

He needs to overcome the problem before you two can have a relationship. He needs to do that alone in my opinion.

 

Until he's overcome it not only does he dishonour you but he puts you in danger of STD's.

[Zero71]

I agree with Camus. Yeah it's harsh but it's the truth. Yeah he has an addiction but can you truly claim to be happy if you know there is always a chance he's banging another woman. Let him fix himself. You are definitely not a problem in this r/s. He is. There's nothing wrong about caring about him and wanting to help him but this guy will bring you down until he's recovers from his addiction.

[markie6]

If people don't like a persons advice / help ..then just ignore it. It's prefectly obvious to nearly everybody what is the best thing to do , the op is hoping for a turnaround for all the emotion she has invested in him. If people suggest waiting around for an addict who doesn't seem set on helping himself, maybe they do need the coffee pot stuffed under their nose

 

If all she want's is to hear what she wants to hear, wrong place. She knows very well that there are loads of us here who have tried our best to help.. on the board and via pm so if all of a sudden she sees what we are saying as not what she wants to hear, and that's bad advice ? People will soon stop trying to help. It's hard to watch people in denial without trying to drill it in to them... becuase there but for the ggrace of dog * go we

 

I get told I am being negative if I tell people their ex isn't likely to return... these sorts of people don't need my help..... they need real help

 

OP knows my views on cheaters and her situation, but stop shooting the messenger

[Redtide]

To all posters: I have been busy and haven't had a chance to check up here... I work two jobs and run my online shop so things have been hellish. Thank you all for your advice, but this is what I have to say to the following:

 

He and I knew this is an uphill battle and we are willing to do this together. While I was insecure and had every right to be insecure, I was CRAZY insecure... not his words, mine. You should have seen the way I accused his every move and step for the last six or so months and I didn't find anything. He is trying to prove that he can be trusted better and I'm trying harder to let go. It's not easy but when you love someone, sick or not, and you want to be together, things need to be changed. Like I said I had finally cut off everything and HE came back to me, desperate for another chance because he was aware how badly he screwed up too. We are even going through this exercise with his addiction therapist on reconnection and healing, where we both state what we want from eachother and how we are willing to change. The change will hopefully happen, and maybe all you nay sayers will be right. Right now though? You're not. And he and I are climbing the hill together.

[Redtide]

And everyone saying "it'll never work, let him go, he's an *******, etc." I am listening to you and taking you into account, I'm approaching whatever H and I have very, very, VERY cautiously. I don't want you to think I'm skimming your posts but right now this is where he and I stand, and am I going to let a 10 year friendship, 2 and a half year relationship die just like that? I was going to, finally, and HE came to ME. I thank EVERYONE for their comments.

[FrenchFries]

I'm a little confused. Are you officially back together? I thought you just went out on a date?

[iamkaylee]

It's not a matter of he's an addict so leave him.

 

It's a matter of him accepting he's an addict and managing his addiction. It's also a matter of you being able to leave the past in the past, let go of it and allowing yourself to trust him again.

 

It sounds as if he's not 100% committed to recovery and you are having trouble with everything you need to handle for this to work between you two.

[Redtide]

We are going on our "first date" this Saturday, and figuring things out from there. The few times I've seen him and texts we get, plus how he's told his family about us and talked to his therapist on ways to fix us... I absolutely believe he's committed to change.

[camus154]

Well, I hope he is.

 

The only thing left I can say is try to take things very slowly, and be willing to severe things if they start to backslide. Good luck.