No Contact is hard...even if you're good at it!

[triangles]

I just wanted to lend some strength and support to those who are struggling with No Contact:

 

I am GREAT at No Contact! Not perfect (no one is), but I can usually stick to it 97 percent of the time. I learned the concept about 10 years ago, it makes perfect sense to me, and I always feel glad I did it after a breakup.

 

I started NC on someone nearly 3 weeks ago, and for the first 2 weeks I felt fine. However yesterday I was really struggling (feeling sad, panicky, etc). But I rode it out and today I woke up feeling just fine and in control again.

 

So if you're struggling with No Contact, just hang in there. Those awful panicky feelings WILL pass, and you WILL feel more calm later. When I start to feel those awful feelings and need to shore up my resolve, I pick up one of my books about breakups that stresses the importance of NC and/or I come to ENA and read. Your solution might be different, but figure out what it is that will calm you down and then use it.

 

Good luck!

[sharky988]

That's true -- I've never once regretted sticking to NC after a breakup!

 

And when I think about it, I've ALWAYS regretted it every single time I've broken NC. There's honestly never been one time when I thought, "gee I'm so glad I broke NC and contacted him, that really worked out well!"

 

What I'm the most grateful for is the sense of dignity and self-control that NC gives you. Especially after an emotional or messy breakup.

 

Keep up the good work!

[RedDress]

Yup! Another technique I use is that when I start thinking about all the wonderfulness that is him, the feeling of his arms around me, etc, and I start to want to reach out - I stop. I stop and take a few moments to think about all the bad from the relationship (with no excuses or "but"s!). He wasn't around when I needed him (forget about his "reason")... he snores... there was that time where he was SO rude and inconsiderate... I think of all the "wrongs" to balance out the fantasy of the "rights". Usually by the time I am mentally finished going through that list - I can't be bothered and I think "well - if he misses me too - why isn't HE reaching out??"

 

It helps.

[Sportster2005]

Yup! Another technique I use is that when I start thinking about all the wonderfulness that is him, the feeling of his arms around me, etc, and I start to want to reach out - I stop. I stop and take a few moments to think about all the bad from the relationship (with no excuses or "but"s!). He wasn't around when I needed him (forget about his "reason")... he snores... there was that time where he was SO rude and inconsiderate... I think of all the "wrongs" to balance out the fantasy of the "rights". Usually by the time I am mentally finished going through that list - I can't be bothered and I think "well - if he misses me too - why isn't HE reaching out??"

 

It helps.

 

Why isn't he reaching out? Maybe he's doing NC wondering why you're not reaching out. I believe in NC. It's not perfect. And this is one of it's flaws. Two people may not reconnect because both adhere dogmatically to a good idea. Even a virtuous idea like NC can become a vice if not tempered with common sense and intuition. I think more so when the break wasn't nasty and harmful. If both left the other's dignity in tact it might come down to someone having the courage to make the first step. Just some devil's advocacy.

[PaperSt1537]

Why isn't he reaching out? Maybe he's doing NC wondering why you're not reaching out. I believe in NC. It's not perfect. And this is one of it's flaws. Two people may not reconnect because both adhere dogmatically to a good idea. Even a virtuous idea like NC can become a vice if not tempered with common sense and intuition. I think more so when the break wasn't nasty and harmful. If both left the other's dignity in tact it might come down to someone having the courage to make the first step. Just some devil's advocacy.

 

I know your intentions are good and you make a valid point but I believe those cases are very rare and VERY situational. Also, while I'm not a very spiritual man, I do on some basic level believe in the "if it's meant to be" clause. I think if the case presents itself as you described and both people are not contacting the other for fear of imposition and/or rejection, then the time is not right to reconcile.

 

People who reconnect after long periods of NC usually come back as different people, whether they learned from the past or not. NC, in my opinion, allows for the possibility of a completely different kind of relationship, IF and only if the time is right and the circumstances and emotional investments are there. But it has to be when both people want it and don't need it to survive. Basically, I don't think ones healthy assumption is to think their ex just might be waiting for you to make the first move, as tempting as that is.

[Limiya]

I know in my case that if my ex wanted to contact me, he certainly would, no matter what.

NC would never have stopped him. I told him that i think it's best we do NC for a while until i'm over it. He agreed.

However, it's never stopped him before, when we would have our little fall outs and he would ignore me for about a week afterwards, he would ALWAYS contact me at some point. Either when he was lonely or drunk.

So if he is making no attempt to contact me this time, then there is no way i'm going to break my NC rule.

 

I just can't face the rejection yet again.

Limiya

[RedDress]

Why isn't he reaching out? Maybe he's doing NC wondering why you're not reaching out. I believe in NC. It's not perfect. And this is one of it's flaws. Two people may not reconnect because both adhere dogmatically to a good idea. Even a virtuous idea like NC can become a vice if not tempered with common sense and intuition. I think more so when the break wasn't nasty and harmful. If both left the other's dignity in tact it might come down to someone having the courage to make the first step. Just some devil's advocacy.

 

Actually - you make a good point. In any relationship - even ones that are breaking up - communication (at time of breakup) is key.

 

I definitely made an assumption.

 

If I'm the dumper but am open to reconciliation - it's a situation where I didn't want to dump the person, but they "forced my hand". There was some dealbreaker behavior going on (ie: not spending enough time together, lack of commitment, lack of sex life or other) that we've talked about, I've cried about, I've yelled about, I've encouraged and been supportive about... and there's just no other option left but to accept it or get out. In this case, if there is to be a reconciliation, it really does have to be an "awakening" of the other party and a resolve to change things.

 

If I'm the dumpee and am hoping for reconciliation - I make it very clear that I don't agree with the breakup, that I think the issues (if any) are workable and provide options. I flat-out tell them that I still want the relationship and I think the breakup is a mistake.

 

In both of these cases, if you really communicate either what is required in order to reconcile (in the case of being the dumper) or make it clear that you don't want the relationship to end at the time of breakup (in the case of being the dumpee)... well... there's really no reason for them to dig in their heels and dogmatically stick to a "theory".

 

In other words - they already know or have a very good idea that they can come back either at will or if real changes happen.

 

To me, the only time "pride" comes into play is if you never communicated your intentions or desires in the first place (in which case you should communicate them once because no one reads minds) or if someone is trying to use NC as a psychological game (in which case you should get over it because games don't work). And I don't want to be with someone who plays psychological games anyways.

 

If NC is being used in the way it was intended - to get over someone - then "pride" shouldn't factor in...

 

Otherwise, if you have communicated your needs or desires, then they aren't contacting you because the dealbreaker issues aren't going to change or they simply aren't interested.

[markie6]

Why isn't he reaching out? Maybe he's doing NC wondering why you're not reaching out. I believe in NC. It's not perfect. And this is one of it's flaws. Two people may not reconnect because both adhere dogmatically to a good idea. Even a virtuous idea like NC can become a vice if not tempered with common sense and intuition. I think more so when the break wasn't nasty and harmful. If both left the other's dignity in tact it might come down to someone having the courage to make the first step. Just some devil's advocacy.

Unless it's one of those mythical mutual breakups , and things didn't get explosive at the end , it still should come down to the person who pulled the plug at the end to reach out , unless their was serious blame attatched.

 

NC will never be perfect but you are perfectly right, it's not for everybody and every situation. However when people arrive here, it's often a little too late and the damage has been done. Every breakup like us as individuals is so unique. Sooner or later people go into NC anyway , or their ex comes back on their own accord

[triangles]

My thoughts exactly!