Is she closer to him than she should be?

[inquisitiveone]

My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years. She has mostly guy friends and I always had a hard time dealing with that because in past relationships when I tried to trust those situations they ended up burning me. My wife has one friend in particular who shes been friends with for over 20 years that I have a hard time understanding. Hes in the military, single and has very little contact with what little family he has.He has been unable to carry on relationships because of his career in the army and because of his personality. Whenever he comes and stays with us its always uncomfortable because they have a been friends for so long they have all the same interest in music and always reminisce about the past. I had to tell my wife on one visit that she was staying up too late talking with him instead of coming to bed.I had to tell her that I wasn't comfortable with that especially since it was happening every night. They also seem to always have to have one night where they go out by themselves like they need alone time or maybe it just him needing alone time to talk about things he not comfortable saying around me.I told my wife one time that I feel Like I am making sacrifices in our relationship so that she make up for what he lacks relationship wise in his life. we have even argued over this and she always becomes defensive. Well now he is deployed and he has my wife pretty much taking the role as the executive of his estate. Taking care of all the things a significant other would be taking care of. She is in charge of mailing him things. She is the one that will be informed of his death if something happens over there. Its very weird to me( and maybe it shouldn't be). She is the primary person he communicate with. Lately (even though our sex life is doing great) I feel a distance emotionally which my wife attributes to being tired. My gut is telling me shes thinking about him. I understand about being worried about a friend who could be faced with danger but there are lines to how deep these feelings go.

 

I just feel there is something more there that cant be expressed by him respecting me, and my wife being in our relationship, doesnt want to deal with the repercussions of breaking up our family ( me her and our son ). She says hes like a brother but I have never seen a sister and a brother that are that close.

One time we had a big fight right after he left and she said to me the only person that cares about me just left the country.

 

I just want some insight.

[EQIQ]

Yeah, it is weird to say the least...

[Lester]

Did you know about this relationship in it’s entirety before you married her?

[RedDress]

These are the parts that I think are completely inappropriate for a genuine, platonic opposite-sex friend:

 

They also seem to always have to have one night where they go out by themselves like they need alone time or maybe it just him needing alone time to talk about things he not comfortable saying around me.

 

This makes sense in the beginning of a relationship (ie: the first year or so) - but over time, this should have evolved. You and your wife have been married for 6 years. At this point, what is he uncomfortable saying around you?? After 6 years, you should also be good friends with him and I would expect him to be able to open up to both of you at this point.

 

Well now he is deployed and he has my wife pretty much taking the role as the executive of his estate

 

This is weird too. I know he isn't that close to his family, but surely he has a mother, father, sister, grandparent, guy friend or someone who can do this.

 

One time we had a big fight right after he left and she said to me the only person that cares about me just left the country.

 

This is most definitely weird. This just shows how much you are not simply projecting insecurities... she really does have a weird relationship. Can you picture her saying this about a girl friend?

 

I don't know what you can do about it... because I think that anything you do is likely to push her away from you (especially while he's deployed) - but that dynamic definitely needs to change.

[becomingkate]

I understand that she feels the need to be his friend, but some of her choices are completely inappropriate and disrespectful to you.

 

I had to tell my wife on one visit that she was staying up too late talking with him instead of coming to bed.I had to tell her that I wasn't comfortable with that especially since it was happening every night. They also seem to always have to have one night where they go out by themselves like they need alone time or maybe it just him needing alone time to talk about things he not comfortable saying around me.

 

I'm married, have long time male friends, and have never gone on a "date" with them while leaving my husband at home.

 

It's like she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

[camus154]

I have to disagree about the going out alone part.

 

If this were a female friend and they wanted to go out together alone one night to catch up, I doubt very much anyone would raise an eyebrow at that. I've had childhood friends visit and inevitably we'll want to spend some time alone together....not because we're up to anything, not because we don't love our SOs, but simply because sometimes you just want to hang out as old friends without a tag along. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to spend every moment at each other's sides, or that it's wrong to want to spend alone time with others.

 

That said, I do think your wife needs to come to bed at appropriate hours. That IS about respecting you, and old friend or not, there's no reason she needs to stay up all night long catching up for the entire visit.

[DN]

I think she is too emotionally intertwined with this guy.

One time we had a big fight right after he left and she said to me the only person that cares about me just left the country.

and this quote is very concerning. Even if it was just said to wound you during a fight it is very indicative of a relationship that is inappropriate.

[littleL_RN]

To answer your title question, yes, I think she is closer to him than she should be.

 

I agree with RedDress in that you have been married for six years and presumably together even longer. There should not be any secretive outings. If he wanted to tell her something in confidence, he could do it in your home and rest assured that it would not leave those walls.

 

I have a male friend from about 14 years old who had come to city to visit his hospitalized father. Of course I offered my place to him, but I made certain that my SO came out to dinner with us and spent the night.

 

She has to be able recognize a dynamic that would make you uncomfortable and respect boundaries

 

What has been their correspondence in the years that you've been together? Do they e-mail or talk frequently on the phone? Has she ever revealed if they've been romantically involved?

[iamkaylee]

I have to agree it's inappropriate in some ways. If they keep in touch on a regular basis there's no reason she has to stay up all night talking with him. After 6 years, you should be more on a friendly basis with him to where he would feel comfortable talking about most things around you. Some things I can understand where he might not be. After 20 years of friendship, your wife knows some things about him that you won't and he may not feel comfortable talking about those with you around. To me, that's understandable and wouldn't be a problem. An occasional night out just the two of them wouldn't bother me much either as long as it was occasional, not half the night and not a regular thing to where I was being excluded or felt that way.

 

I don't find it terribly odd at all that your wife is in charge of his affairs. If he is not close to his family and has no other real friends he can trust, it makes sense. I have a similar friend, very long standing friendship and I am his point of contact/next of kin/executor over and above his family including his siblings, wife and children/grandchildren. He asked me for the simple reason he trusts me and knows I will carry out HIS wishes, have no stake in his estate, and will not be emotionally driven to make a decision out of selfishness. I hold a full power of attorney and his living will. He knows his wife would be incapable of making sound decisions if something happened to him. She doesn't like this much but accepts it for what it is. She knows she would fall apart and as such trusts me to a point because he does. I've made it very clear to anyone I've been involved with romantically that this friendship will not change and if it's a problem, I'm willing to do what I can to compromise but if it can't be resolved, well, there's the door.

 

I suggest calmly talking to your wife about this, how it makes you feel and trying to find a comfortable middle ground for you both.

[inquisitiveone]

Well his mom and his sister are very irresponsible people and actually take advantage of him on a regular basis. Yes I do have to be careful. I am tempted to get her phone and look at her chat history but I cant bring myself to do it. I didnt address her comment about him being the only one that cared until later and she claimed she didnt remember but I know she did.She has pulled that selective memory on me before.Another thing I found weird was last friday. She said he seemed upset so she tried to make him laugh by saying " ill work out and get skinney so i will be a supermodel when you get home". I was thinking to myself "thats weird". angered me a little but I didnt say anything.

[camus154]

She said he seemed upset so she tried to make him laugh by saying " ill work out and get skinney so i will be a supermodel when you get home". I was thinking to myself "thats weird". angered me a little but I didnt say anything.

 

Ok, that's the warning sign you need. There's definitely something going on here. Close friends with no romantic inclinations would never say this kind of crap.

[becomingkate]

Ok, that's the warning sign you need. There's definitely something going on here. Close friends with no romantic inclinations would ever say this kind of crap.

 

Completely agree here!

[pl3asehelp]

Um. Yes. I'd get out of this ASAP. She clearly does not understand what appropriate boundaries are. So, so many things she's done here are just dead wrong. I'm not optimistic that talking to her will change a thing. She's going to kick and scream with her claws out defending this ridiculous behavior and a big part of that will be trying to place blame on you by inaccurately calling you controlling, jealous, and insecure. If she had any intelligence or maturity, she wouldn't be doing this in the first place. I don't think you can teach those things to her. I know this will sound really bad, but I think the only way for her to realize how wrong she is is that you would have to divorce her and cut contact. Then, for her next man (which won't be this unavailable guy) she'll know she can't behave like this any longer if she wants a relationship to work.

[iamkaylee]

Yeah, that's a little weird and is crossing a line.

 

After six years I wouldn't kick her to the curb just yet but a serious discussion about appropriate boundaries and respect is certainly in order. If she can't see her way clear to make an effort towards alleviating your bad feelings about this, I'd move past serious discussion into serious action.

[HeartGoesOn]

Have you ever met this "friend?"

[pl3asehelp]

Have you ever met this "friend?"

 

He comes to stay at their house. That's when she lets her husband go to bed and stays up late hanging out with this dude.

[HeartGoesOn]

He comes to stay at their house. That's when she lets her husband go to bed and stays up late hanging out with this dude.

 

Oops, I missed reading that on the beginning post.

[Lester]

Inquisitive,

 

On the day you married her she had already been in a fourteen year old platonic relationship with another man.

 

Did she tell you about it?

If so, Why on earth did you marry her?

 

Before I can say she's weird I have to question the overall weirdness of the past six years.

[lalalollipops]

^ Uh there's nothing wrong with having friends of the opp sex.

Just not in the way she's going about it. Alot of it made me go '***' because she's crossing the line and I'll be very surprised if nothing's going on.

I'd be very worried OP.

[EQIQ]

Ok, that's the warning sign you need. There's definitely something going on here. Close friends with no romantic inclinations would never say this kind of crap.

 

100% agreed... ???***??

[Shane505]

Before I read about her comment about getting skinny for him to cheer him up I knew this isn't just a normal platonic relationship. Let me speak from experience. I have a few "platonic" relationships with married women who I knew for a long time. We are only "platonic" now because they are married and we never worked out in the past because I didn't go after them even though they really liked me. They weren't going to spend their prime waiting for me to ask them out so they settled and married and had kids with someone else.

 

But let me tell you those feelings they had for me 5-10 yrs ago are still there when they see me. I respect marriage and I never crossed boundaries or hang out with them on dates. I'll go over for a dinner party or they will text me secretly talking about their feelings or their day. I tell them don't be stupid when they start talking about how unhappy they are in their marriage and they start wondering what it would have been like if we got together instead. That is what your wife didn't tell you about their relationship. These married women know it will cause drama if they tell the truth about the true origin of their relationship. Always trust your gut instincts. They sounded too close and comfortable to be doing all that together.

 

Now I truly do have platonic relationships with old classmates from college who are married and they will call from time to time. One of them had a jeoulous husband. He wanted to meet me and she invited me over for dinner to prove there was nothing between us. She even told him afterwards if he felt uncomfortable with us talking, she would explain to me that we can't have any contact anymore because it's affecting her marriage. Guess what. She did just that I totally respected that and we stopped contacting each other. She told me we will always be friends but she has to do this for her relationship. I totally respected her for that.

 

That is the test if two people are really platonic and there is no feelings. If two people are truly platonic and respect boundaries, no contact will not be a problem for both.

[Shane505]

If your significant other is spending time with someone every week, always getting invited over, always going to lunch with the person, and you don't feel comfortable about it, you probably have good reason. And if they get defensive when you tell them you are uncomfortable with them hanging out all the time and give you that tired line "he/she is just a friend", don't ignore your instincts. Guys and girls can be friends but hanging out all the time one on one, someone WILL catch feelings trust that! If I can get a dollar for everytime I heard "he/she is just a friend" and they end up cheating with each other.