I need help from ENA's women. Or men who can understand...

[Mariana345]

Hi!! Me again So, I've been around here for a few months after my painful break up with my ex of almost 5 years, that left me (almost 90% sure) for another girl.

 

So, I am better with myself now, I acknowledge my part in the break up (not excuse him) and I am trying to move on with my life and recovery myself.

 

But I have to admit that I am still scared. He was my first serious relationship and he claimed he loved me too much, since we met in high school (we are 26 y/o), we went through a lot of issues, a lot of good times, we made plans, we just felt naturally good been with each other, we were going to move in together! And all of the sudden he just resent me for all the problems, don't see a future together (because my dreams are too high! What B**** is that!!!) and he WANTED TO SEE IF HE CAN RECOVER HIS FEELINGS AND MISS ME AGAIN. And all wrapped in the lying of him making moves with someone else since god know when.

 

So yes, I am scared. I thought he was it, that he was "the one and only" for me, that our love could conquer anything and didn't really cared to give up myself for him (I know, big mistake). But that is not te worse. In my searching for answers here and other websites and forums I have found a lot, a loooot of stories of men and women that spend years and years together and then, all of the sudden just lost feelings, or met someone else and trade their partner for them. The worst one was this woman that was with his bf for 3 years, living together and they were happy, then in a trip that she arrenged they met this girl (that had a boyfriend at that time) and in just one week, ONE WEEK he trade her girlfriend for that other girl! And of course, the were "so in love", and after 3 months he realized he made a mistake but was a biiig coward and didn't made a move, just stayed with that other girl and even had a kid.

 

So... relationships are really scaring! You can not know what could happen, even if you trust completely the other person.

 

First of all, how can you recover from been left for someone else? How can you trust anyone ever again? How can you date again and recover your confidence when something like that has happened?

 

What advice can you give me to keep moving forward, to have a happy life from now on, to... trust men again, to trust myself again?

 

I have to say that yes, we had a our share of problems but most of the time he was like the perfect boyfriend (otherwise I wouldn't have been with him so long) just become that coward, liar, and cheater b*st*rd those last months...

 

So please, women from ENA (and men who can understand me), how did you do it?

[Loveandlost]

Im a guy, but this isnt a guy or girl issue.. Its a human issue. My ex shattered my trust but i know I cant hold my next gf accountable for my exes actions.

 

It may not feel like it now but they are exes for a reason, new people in our life do not have to prove themselves better, because they are not our exes.

[Ms Darcy]

I would say that the biggest lesson you can have in relationships is remembering that they are voluntary. It always incurs risk ... and your risk lowers if you and your partner enter into marriage (after years of a healthy relationship where both of you are mentally/financially stable). But it is still a risk.

 

In your situation, I say it is hard to have a long-term perspective. If you started dating when you were in your teens and he left for someone else, then likely questions about wanting to experience other women came into his head. I know that's not great to hear, but part of a relationship is knowing that it is not a lifelong commitment. It is a commitment to be trustworthy in the present and not in the future. A relationship involves exploring whether you want that person in your future.

 

If you can't trust, don't date. People too often rush back to dating when they are not fully healed. Healing means accepting that it just didn't work out with that guy and looking forward to finding another guy it might work out with in the future. It means developing deep and loving relationships (via family and friends) outside of your relationship. It means anchoring yoursef in yourself. I am in a relationship but I have NEVER put my partner first. If he left today, I have a support network and I love myself. You have to get to that place because it may be you go through two or three more breakups before you find the person you marry/stick with. Prepare yourself for that.

[markie6]

I would say that the biggest lesson you can have in relationships is remembering that they are voluntary. It always incurs risk ... and your risk lowers if you and your partner enter into marriage (after years of a healthy relationship where both of you are mentally/financially stable). But it is still a risk

 

Word !!

 

Sadly the risk, is always higher than you might imagine, the divorce rate doesn't seem to ever drop ... Don't let this news stop you from believing you can meet that special person, even in the depths of my heartbreak I am certain I will end up ok, that's the thought you need to help push you thru this... you are going to be ok....1 scumbag doesn't mean it's game over

[Ms Darcy]

Word !!

 

Sadly the risk, is always higher than you might imagine, the divorce rate doesn't seem to ever drop ... Don't let this news stop you from believing you can meet that special person, even in the depths of my heartbreak I am certain I will end up ok, that's the thought you need to help push you thru this... you are going to be ok....1 scumbag doesn't mean it's game over

 

There is actually great news about the divorce rate. Yes it's really high when you look at all couples. But break it down and you'll find that the rate lowers a lot when other factors are in play:

 

-Both partners have an education (college or higher)

-They are financially stable

-The parents of both partners are still married

-Both get married after the age of 25 (the divorce rater is even lower if both are over 30)

-They engage in 6-months of pre-marital counselling to talk through lots of specifics (where to live, if/when to have kids, how to split up chores and finances etc etc)

-They socialize with other married couples

 

Just thought I would add a ray of hope.

[OldSoul86]

There is actually great news about the divorce rate. Yes it's really high when you look at all couples. But break it down and you'll find that the rate lowers a lot when other factors are in play:

 

-Both partners have an education (college or higher)

-They are financially stable

-The parents of both partners are still married

-Both get married after the age of 25 (the divorce rater is even lower if both are over 30)

-They engage in 6-months of pre-marital counselling to talk through lots of specifics (where to live, if/when to have kids, how to split up chores and finances etc etc)

-They socialize with other married couples

 

Just thought I would add a ray of hope.

 

Thanks Ms Darcy, I don't feel so bad being a single guy at 26 years old now. It's comforting to know these little tidbits because I do plan on marrying some time in the future.

[terminators84]

well ive been betrayed by most men in my life relationship wise. i have a hard time trusting men and that goes for the ones i do have faith in but my little devil on my shoulder is telling me they are lying. i have to talk myself down and say he isnt that person so stop.

trust me i have had my fair share of untrustworthy men who were my friends before we dated and that hurt even more. try like one sleeping with his ex gf on your bday,,, good times. i believe there are only a few good men out there that wont cheat or any of that garbage.

[Mariana345]

Thank you all for your words... I don't know how I ended like this, I was always so full of myself and never let anyone to make me less. I don't know how I didn't care put me in second place... I didn't see that coming.

 

I hope I can do it, I also feel better knowing that not everything is lost (and that I am still young to find the right partner