Are we getting back together or just grinding it out

[jemoeder]

Hey yall

 

been a while since ive been here.. so my gf dumped me in january (!) while i was abroad. In june i came back we started hanging out again immediately..

we talked very much about everything and i told her i had sex with some girls since we broke up .

 

Now we both love each other and decided we want to try again. However she keeps resenting me for sleeping with other girls and lying to her. She says she

needs time i dont want that. either we are back together as a couple and we work things out or we are nothing

 

she wants to take time, see how it goes and maybe get back together.

 

in the mean time we do have sex but its not what it once was .. she says she just keeps thinking of the other girls i slept with while we were seperated .

 

so now we see each other once a week maybe once every 2 weeks.. and i do know she cares. she also says that if we didnt have contact that would not work because she would end up forgetting me . i would really like to be able to take it slow and see where it goes but im afraid that if i keep it like this

we just get bored and find new people. i told her yesterday i have so much love to give her but its like i cant get through to her.

 

i admit i havent been the best bf at times but i always treated her with respect and gave her my attention and love 200%.

 

so should i try to force a decision, walk away or just keep things the way they are.. meaning were not back together but we are exclusive and have daily contact.

 

sometimes it just feel like both of us are afraid to let go, afraid of not finding that same love again ,... i feel like i should have the balls to stop what we are doing but im afraid i will waste the love of my life just because i could not wait a few weeks, months whatever. it doenst seem like we are gonna get any better any time soon

 

im 25 she is 20.. we were together for 2 years

[RedDress]

She is being childish and unreasonable. If she broke up with you, you were free to do as you pleased (which you did). You did absolutely nothing wrong - and you should not be "punished" for living your life. It's completely unreasonable for her to expect you to put your life on hold in the "hopes" that you would get back together.

 

... and she isn't even being consistant! Shouldn't her primary concern be STDs and she would NOT want to sleep with you?

 

Her ego is bruised - and she needs to get over that.

 

I think you should force a decision. If she wants to be with you, she needs to stop "punishing" you (since you did nothing wrong) and be with you. You are not to be made to feel guilty for doing nothing wrong. If she isn't able to get over it - well, I mean... that's that!

 

I don't think you should allow her to treat you like you betrayed her. You didn't.

[FrenchFries]

If your girlfriend can't get over what you did after she dumped you, I don't think the relationship will ever be able to blossom. I think you need to have a serious chat with her about that. She broke up with you and you lived your life how you pleased. You were not obligated to sit around and wait on her to come back.

[jemoeder]

If your girlfriend can't get over what you did after she dumped you, I don't think the relationship will ever be able to blossom. I think you need to have a serious chat with her about that. She broke up with you and you lived your life how you pleased. You were not obligated to sit around and wait on her to come back.

 

yes i understand that we need to get past this in order to find a real relationship again. its just should i stay in contact with her and see if we can gradually work things out or should i just go NC and see if she comes back? realizing that she does want me in her life even though i slept with some girls while broken up.

 

cuz she is really important to me .. and the love we shared was amazing therefore im willing to work on it but i cant work on it if she cant get past that. the sex is terrible and awkward WHEN it happens .

[Mariana345]

I agree with the statement that she broke up with you and you were free to live your life and move on. However I would like you to think, just for a moment, how would you feel if you were in your gf place? Confused and all you may feel bad if she slept with other guys and I bet you couldn't feel the same having sex right away.

 

It was her fault, I know that, but if you want to be with her just give her a little space to solve her feelings. Buuut not too long. You have the right to keep moving on if you can't handle her doubts but you have to tell her that. I hope you can work this out, good luck!

[jemoeder]

I agree with the statement that she broke up with you and you were free to live your life and move on. However I would like you to think, just for a moment, how would you feel if you were in your gf place? Confused and all you may feel bad if she slept with other guys and I bet you couldn't feel the same having sex right away.

 

It was her fault, I know that, but if you want to be with her just give her a little space to solve her feelings. Buuut not too long. You have the right to keep moving on if you can't handle her doubts but you have to tell her that. I hope you can work this out, good luck!

 

so what is a reasonable amount of time?!?! and during that time what should i do .. NC, LC or just go on like nothing happened.

 

i have been seeing her since the beginning of June again.. And i made it clear from the start i wanted her back. So it now end of september.. We have been talking and seeing each other for 2/3 months.

 

I just need some clarity in my life you know. Either i move on and i forget her or i give her all my love with the good and the bad, i just cant keep hanging on much longer.. but i dont wanna say that so direct to her cuz then its like im pressuring her . pfff

[eggsandcheese]

I agree with Mariana. Listen to what she has to say on the subject, and let her air out her feelings. Let her feel that she's being heard. You have to empathize with her feelings by putting yourself in her shoes. There's an excellent book called "Just Listen" and it talks how to do this; the key to getting someone on your page is first letting them know you understand their feelings and are on their page. I've tried some techniques stated in the book, and it's just a sentence or two on your part that engages you in the other person's world and shows you care. And it works. I've tried it with a few friends and clients, changing my usual 'oh really' responses to actually putting myself in their shoes and henceforth being engaged and intune with their experience. People truly light up when they realize you really are involved. We are so used to airing our feelings and not really being listened to. You will be surprised.

 

By the way, I am not saying that she is right and you are wrong. She did break up with you; what you did on your own time was your business. But who's right and who's wrong, and regardless of intent, isn't going to get you anywhere. The more you point out that you were on a break, the further you will get from what you want--her back in your life. She wants to be heard, and then she can let it go. Change your strategy on how you handle the conversations. Any reasonable person, and that hopefully includes her, knows that you did nothing wrong. She just doesn't think you get her feelings, which you probably don't (yet). Good luck!

[Mariana345]

so what is a reasonable amount of time?!?! and during that time what should i do .. NC, LC or just go on like nothing happened.

 

i have been seeing her since the beginning of June again.. And i made it clear from the start i wanted her back. So it now end of september.. We have been talking and seeing each other for 2/3 months.

 

I just need some clarity in my life you know. Either i move on and i forget her or i give her all my love with the good and the bad, i just cant keep hanging on much longer.. but i dont wanna say that so direct to her cuz then its like im pressuring her . pfff

 

How long? As long as you can handle. I mean, you have been wainting for 3 months, how much more can you wait? One month? one week? But you have to be clear about it, because it will be a relief to you as well, since you are putting a date to your pain.

 

I agree with eggsandcheese, you two have to talk about it. But yes, don't pressure her since her feelings are weak (I know yours are as well) just tell her that want to be with her, she knows it, but you can not and won't wait forever. That you don't want to pressure her but after some amount of time and if she can't decide by then, you will start dating other girls and moving on. Just try to be the more reasonable and fair as you can be with both of you guys.

 

 

Hey eggsandcheese, could you please give me the author of the book, that seems interesting

[RedDress]

Just to give some context on why I seem to be the lone wolf on the "force a decision" idea... My best friend actually went through this with her now husband. A few years ago, they broke up and he slept with two girls from "the wrong side of the tracks". She was absolutely horrified at this when they got back together, and she made sure he knew about this for over a year. Their sex life was not the same (she admitted it made her feel "dirty") and every time they got into an argument, she brought it up.

 

Much like you - he had enough after a while. Agreed that communication is important - but how long can you go on like that? He eventually snapped and forced the decision. She called me... she struggled... but she decided that the relationship was important to her. So - she stopped talking about it (it became a taboo subject in their relationship)... and she got over it.

 

If he had not have snapped - I don't think she would have gotten over it on her own. It's a decision to get over it.

 

I agree that talking is important. And time. But I'm sure you've talked at length and it's been 3 months. Are you going to go a year or more hoping she'll get over it? What's reasonable? I think 3 months is reasonable.

[eggsandcheese]

Let me give you guys an example of how someone in OP's position could change the game. 1 scenario, 2 reactions:

1). Boyfriend says "Babe you mean the world to me. We were on a break! You broke up with me. I want nothing more than to be with you for the rest of my life.

Girlfriend says "Did the girls mean anything to you? how did you meet them?"

Boyfriend says "I met them at the bar, but I don't even remember their names"

and on and on and on this conversation/argument goes

2). Boyfriend says "Babe, I know that you must feel bad imagining me with someone else"

Girlfriend says "Yes, it makes me feel terrible knowing you shared a moment like that with people you don't even know!"

Boyfriend says "And that must make you feel sad, angry, jealous, dirty all at the same time"

Girlfriend says "yes, it does"

 

Do you see the difference? Boyfriend is not having to defend his actions in scenario 2, he's just listening to the girlfriend. It doesn't really turn into an argument and continues being a discussion. And the girlfriend can actually tell the boyfriend 'feels' what she's feeling. How would you feel if your hurt feelings were always turned into a defense by the other person instead of them actually engaging in your pain for the moment?

Just food for thought. Go in it with gloves on and you're going to get hit. Go in it with sympathy and empathy, and the battle can end. Every time she brings it up. EVERY time.

 

[eggsandcheese]

It's called Just Listen by Mark Goulston. Amazon, 16 bucks.

[Thebawse]

me and my gf were going through a rough patch before we broke up 2 month ago. 3 and a half year relationship. she wanted space and time to figure out what she wanted in life. it went on for over a month and a half and it was rhe first time i went through something like that. although im emotionally more stable i still have some regrets as i was hurrying her a bit towards the end. i still wonder if i behaved more sympathetic it could have turned out differently. But it may also be that she was pulling away, letting me down easy as i

 

What im getting at is if you love this girl you would do anything for her. you seem to be very patient which is great. just bury your thoughts and feelings and truly listen to her. You really dont want to argue at all because that will hurt her so much and break her heart. Just listen when you do talk to her and agree with everything she has to say.

 

From what i can understand your relationship is in a very fragile state so the best thing is to side with her.

[jemoeder]

yeah sure and i have been patient, a little too much im afraid at times. where at times i shouldve told her off and not tolerate *****y behaviour i created a situation where im supposed to take ****

for things i didnt even do wrong. oh yeah i forgot to mention i travelled from mexico to newyork to amsterdam to see this girl just to get slapped in the face to re affirm me breing dumped..

 

and yeah i did **** 3 girls actually more in our break up period so what> she kissed three guys in that same period and it probably didnt stop at just kissing .. so really i think were even..

and all this time we saying we taking it slow but she insists that at this moment we are NOT in a relation ship so whats that?

 

im at a point that i want to make it work but if she is gonna keep playing the "you are dirty, you are not to be trusted card" what else can i do then go NC and show her what is life without me..

 

im a good guy and always had good intentions i never ever thought of cheating on her in the 2 years we were together.. i work full time and study full time so im not some bum .. im well groomed and socially adapted .. so she better realize soon what she could ve before i dedide i had enough of her shti.

 

also im wondering why i even bother with this girl im asking myself do i really love this girl or am i just hoping it will return to what we once had?

 

sure i can be patient but if someone else comes along who does appreciate me for being me well.. thats it i guess

 

for sure i love her more that i could ve possible imagined loving someone.. i listten to her every word surprise her weekly with a nice gift (nothing fancy just little things she mentioned in passing like he favorite food or some small items she has been planning to buy,,

 

so yeah i got my act together and i aint the same guy she dumped when is she gonna realize that and start moving on instead of telling me that im dirty cuz of the other girls while we were broken up

 

i sent her a 25 p[age letter to round thing off BY hand took me 3 days. what response i got was a comment per alinea on what i told her full of hate and angryness, the letter was after we hasd nc for about 2 months btw

[Mayforce]

Hi, I didn't read the rests and just want to share my thought from your original post here.

 

1st- you chose to tell her the truth because you want to be honest and win credit to her. --- you can explain that you just want to be honest to her without hiding the thing even though the truth hurts. You also can show her those girls are left in the past. That is her fear and it's normal if you are still in certain contact with them.

 

please be understanding that this would cause a shadow either to guy or girl when they know their partner had sex with other ppl. You should giver her the time and build up your connecting and trust again if you do love her.

 

2nd, if she is the one, time is no problem. I think with the time goes by, if you feel you can't get rid of thinking her and still feeling, you can wait for that person because she is the one you want.

 

It's never a waste if there is love and you can't find it on other ppl.

 

Giving her understanding, more security and time will make her believe you are trustworthy and the one.

 

How do you think?

[Redtide]

What you guys did while seperated is not her concern, unless it was with someone that you became extremely close to (and still have feelings for), you possibly got an STD, or it was actual cheating. She dumped you, and that's very unfair.

 

On the other side if you want a fresh start you need to move slowly. You can't rush back into what you had and if you did that'd be foolish. Go on dates and act like each one is your first one... reassure her you care. That's my opinion.