Day_Walker Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 I think that there are a lot of unknowns here. As people have mentioned previously a very important factor is whether the OP's gf has met his family. I would also like to point out that this couple has been dating for 8 months, there seems to be a lot of assumptions about what one should do if you love a partner. There has been no indication that love has even come into the picture yet. Lets also remember that more often than not children take precedent over a bf, that is the just the nature of being a parent. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 I think that there are a lot of unknowns here. As people have mentioned previously a very important factor is whether the OP's gf has met his family. I would also like to point out that this couple has been dating for 8 months, there seems to be a lot of assumptions about what one should do if you love a partner. There has been no indication that love has even come into the picture yet. Lets also remember that more often than not children take precedent over a bf, that is the just the nature of being a parent. I don't see why it matters if she met the deceased or not. I've been to funerals where I didn't know the person who died, but I did know someone who did know them and if that person asked me to come to support them, that's why I went. Love or no love, if I asked someone to come to a funeral to support me and they didn't, I'd take that as a sign they don't care much about me. Same reaction as if I asked anyone else for a favor and they declined. Link to comment
DN Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Lets also remember that more often than not children take precedent over a bf, that is the just the nature of being a parent.That sounds great except this is the death of a boyfriend's parent versus a child's basketball game. IMO - no contest in this instance. Boyfriend comes first, daughter learns a valuable lesson about priorities. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 The OP simply stating she is taking her daughter to a basketball game instead is still not enough information to assume anything for either side. We don't know if she ever met his family, if she has access to a baby sitter, or even what their commitment level is. I was engaged before 8 months, other couples haven't even said the word love by 8 months, so I think it's just as false to assume she's a neglectful, selfish girlfriend simply on one statement. Link to comment
erzerum7 Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 The OP simply stating she is taking her daughter to a basketball game instead is still not enough information to assume anything for either side. We don't know if she ever met his family, if she has access to a baby sitter, or even what their commitment level is. I was engaged before 8 months, other couples haven't even said the word love by 8 months, so I think it's just as false to assume she's a neglectful, selfish girlfriend simply on one statement. She can't find a babysitter? Why doesn't she leave her with her dad, the perfect babysitter? It doesn't matter if she met his family or knew his dad. This is about disrespect to him. He cares about his parents, he's grieving, and she should be there with him. WTH commitment level? That would apply in the first few weeks of dating. After 8 months? That's not gonna fly. If you can't make a little sacrifice (like asking your ex-husband to take your daughter to a basketball game while you attend your longterm boyfriend's funeral), then you're not ready for a relationship with anyone. And you're teaching your daughter a far worse lesson by disrespecting people like this than the supposed self-esteem boost you give her by attending a dumb game. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 She can't find a babysitter? Why doesn't she leave her with her dad, the perfect babysitter? It doesn't matter if she met his family or knew his dad. This is about disrespect to him. He cares about his parents, he's grieving, and she should be there with him. WTH commitment level? That would apply in the first few weeks of dating. After 8 months? That's not gonna fly. If you can't make a little sacrifice (like asking your ex-husband to take your daughter to a basketball game while you attend your longterm boyfriend's funeral), then you're not ready for a relationship with anyone. And you're teaching your daughter a far worse lesson by disrespecting people like this than the supposed self-esteem boost you give her by attending a dumb game. Do you know for a fact the child's father is still in her life? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 No one knows unless the OP comes back and enlightens us. Everything else is speculation, Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 i know! can't wait to hear back from him! Link to comment
Wonderstruck Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Inexcusable, IMO. Who doesn't "severely dislike" funerals??? Ever since my father died, hospitals make me feel nauseous. The smell, the layout, everything about it makes me feel queasy. But when my best friend had her first child last week, you bet I was there. When my ex's mother was ill, I was there. You make sacrifices for those you truly care about. Period. EXACTLY. This is what I was trying to say, but you said it so much better. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 The OP simply stating she is taking her daughter to a basketball game instead is still not enough information to assume anything for either side. We don't know if she ever met his family, if she has access to a baby sitter, or even what their commitment level is. I was engaged before 8 months, other couples haven't even said the word love by 8 months, so I think it's just as false to assume she's a neglectful, selfish girlfriend simply on one statement. It has nothing to do with commitment level..it is about being supportive to someone you are spending a lot of time with...even a friend would go to the funeral if their friend's father died..so if a friend can do it..certainly someone with a more intimate relationship with the bereaved should go. Link to comment
DN Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 IMO, the reason given was insufficient. Of course, people may say there must be more to her reason but that seems almost insulting to the OP because it implies he is lying by omission. Link to comment
Angler Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 The only acceptable reason for missing your loved one's parent's funeral, is if there's a scheduling conflict, and your own parent's funeral is the same day at the same time. "I don't like funerals, they make me uncomfortable" is lame. No one "likes" or feels "comfortable" at a funeral. She needs to put on her big girl pants and at least sit in the back. She doesn't need to go up front. Link to comment
mhowe Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 The only acceptable reason for missing your loved one's parent's funeral, is if there's a scheduling conflict, and your own parent's funeral is the same day at the same time. "I don't like funerals, they make me uncomfortable" is lame. No one "likes" or feels "comfortable" at a funeral. She needs to put on her big girl pants and at least sit in the back. She doesn't need to go up front. Exactly. My bf's mom died after we had been dating a little over 6 monts. He said I didn't have to go when I asked him if he wanted me to....I drove up myself, as he had gone to his sisters the nite before....sat in the back, not w/ the family. I had never met her...nor his sister. I stayed thru the get together, and went home. He was very grateful I was there. Link to comment
FathomFear Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 My girfriend of eight months has chosen not to go to my fathers funeral after I asked her to go. She has chosen to take her daughter to her basketball game which she always attends no matter what. I respect that her wanting to be a good mom but there are times when you must choose to support your bf. I don't have children myself but should I look on this I this enough of a red flag to end the relationship? I just wanted to post and get responses from people that don't know her or me Has she given any signs of this kind of attitude/behaviour previously in the relationship? Or is this a one-off? If the later, it's possible she has a phobia of funerals and isn't being explicit about why she's not going. Because in all honesty, "I want to go to my daughter's basketball game" is a downright terrible excuse. She either is indeed heartless or there's more to the story she's not divulging. Link to comment
pugg Posted October 2, 2012 Author Share Posted October 2, 2012 Just to let everyone know. I know her daughter and have been to her games before. We have all spent time together (gf, daughter, me)doing activities other than going to see games. The daughter is 13 and her own father goes to many of her games and she lives with him during the week. He is very involved in her life. Do i love my gf, yes and we both have expressed the same feelings. No my gf never met my father and here is why. I don't like talking about it but nobody knows me so here goes. My mother had a massive stroke that required sugery to remove a golf ball size clot from her head. She now is incapacitated and has dementia. Needless to say this crushed my family and sent my father into a spiraling depression. He became physically and mentally ill and had his own health problems eventually requiring him to have bypass surgery. Then one day he asked me if I would help him committ suicide. Totally shocked, we immediately got him emergency help and sent him for professional treatment. My sisters and I spent a lot of time trying to help him sending him out for treatment but it didnt do any good. He came back and was living in an assisted living facility and one day without anyone's knowledge jumped out of a 2 story building and killed himself. So, my girlfriend never really had a chance to meet him during this busy time. All I wanted was for her to be there with me. At the time, I didn't think about it. But now I wonder what will happen when I really need her in the future and that bothers me. Link to comment
JA0371 Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 Wow Pugg so so sorry to hear this about your dad. My heart goes out to you..my condolences. Link to comment
pugg Posted October 2, 2012 Author Share Posted October 2, 2012 No one knows unless the OP comes back and enlightens us. Everything else is speculation, Just to let everyone know. I know her daughter and have been to her games before. We have all spent time together (gf, daughter, me)doing activities other than going to see games. The daughter is 13 and her own father goes to many of her games and she lives with him during the week. He is very involved in her life. Do i love my gf, yes and we both have expressed the same feelings. No my gf never met my father and here is why. I don't like talking about it but nobody knows me so here goes. My mother had a massive stroke that required sugery to remove a golf ball size clot from her head. She now is incapacitated and has dementia. Needless to say this crushed my family and sent my father into a spiraling depression. He became physically and mentally ill and had his own health problems eventually requiring him to have bypass surgery. Then one day he asked me if I would help him committ suicide. Totally shocked, we immediately got him emergency help and sent him for professional treatment. My sisters and I spent a lot of time trying to help him sending him out for treatment but it didnt do any good. He came back and was living in an assisted living facility and one day without anyone's knowledge jumped out of a 2 story building and killed himself. So, my girlfriend never really had a chance to meet him during this busy time. All I wanted was for her to be there with me. At the time, I didn't think about it. But now I wonder what will happen when I really need her in the future and that bothers me. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 It may be the whole scenario surrounding your father's death ---- but you won't know until you talk to her about it. Given the issues, I can see her not subjecting her daughter to it. But since the child lives w/ the dad and he is available, I truly see no reason that she couldn't have been there, except that she chose not to. No one likes funerals. But part of being an adult is attending them, and attending those of the people who matter in our lives. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 Sorry to hear that. In this light, I think it was even more important that she be there for you - I'm sure that hurt that she wasn't and I'd feel like I couldn't depend on her either if I were in your shoes. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 I kind of feel in light of these tragic circumstances your gf should've trying even harder to be there for you. I'm so sorry to hear this. Link to comment
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