Gf won't go to funeral

[OptomisticGirl]

my perspective, having been to many many funerals already (and my dad's when i was 11 years old)..... yeah, funerals suck but they are a part of life, and a part of being human. we all live and we all die. i feel like she should suck it up and go because it is important to her bf. we do all sorts of things as adults that we don't particularly enjoy but we do because it's part of being human and a member of civil society.

 

I don't think that means people should automatically HAVE to go simply to support someone and that it makes them a bad person if they don't go. We all grieve and deal with death differently - some need support, others choose to do it privately. Those who need support don't automatically triumph those who don't need it, especially if there are other people who will be their for the person who needs support. We don't know her reasons yet, and unless she gives a really selfish reason I think it's a bit premature to call her a bad person for choosing not to go.

[OptomisticGirl]

Some people believe saying good bye should be done in private, not surrounded by others (most of who probably hasn't seen the deceased person in God knows how many years and never really liked them but are just showing their faces for reputation sake).

[DN]

She has given a reason - this reason:

She has chosen to take her daughter to her basketball game which she always attends no matter what.

which in my opinion isn't good enough by half. Her daughter must be old enough to deal with her mother not being there for once because something more important happened.

[DN]

I can't imagine not being there for someone I loved on the day they bury a loved parent. It would seem like a great betrayal. My wife and I went to my son-in-law's father's funeral to show love and support - it's what caring people do.

[Wonderstruck]

Some people believe saying good bye should be done in private, not surrounded by others (most of who probably hasn't seen the deceased person in God knows how many years and never really liked them but are just showing their faces for reputation sake).

 

That's not the real reason why. The real reason is that you don't want to deal with the discomfort of a funeral, and so you bail under the pretense that you don't believe in saying goodbye at a public ceremony.

 

Even if that truly is the reason, there are certain social rituals and rites of passage that people go to for the sake of supporting others and SHOWING RESPECT. And the fact that some people can't even be bothered to force themselves to do something that might make them uncomfortable to show support and respect for someone is just unbelievably selfish, in my opinion.

 

Again, we all have our own beliefs, we all have things that we don't like or don't feel comfortable with - but some things trump that and are more important. Attending a funeral is one of them, in my opinion.

[annie24]

Some people believe saying good bye should be done in private, not surrounded by others (most of who probably hasn't seen the deceased person in God knows how many years and never really liked them but are just showing their faces for reputation sake).

 

I know, but he was asking her there as his support, not to be there necessarily as another mourner. in the same way how he would ask his gf to join him at other major life events, like for example, his graduation, or if he was getting a major award, or whatever other big event you can think of.

[jordesse]

I'm guessing that this is a new girlfriend because he started his previous thread in 2004 and they've only been dating for 8 months.

 

but yeah, that is a good point. could be jealousy issues?

 

Gosh, I'm so sorry. You're right Annie, it was a very old post. Sorry, please disregard my last post.

[FYI]

My girfriend of eight months has chosen not to go to my fathers funeral after I asked her to go. She has chosen to take her daughter to her basketball game which she always attends no matter what. I respect that her wanting to be a good mom but there are times when you must choose to support your bf. I don't have children myself but should I look on this I this enough of a red flag to end the relationship? I just wanted to post and get responses from people that don't know her or me

 

That is a definite red flag, I'm not sure I would break up with her just for that. However, if the relationship already stunk to high heaven then I probably would.

[pinkelephant]

I've never been allowed to go to a funeral. My mom is really strict about that sort of thing, because I get stressed out about things like this often and ends up sleep walking and stuff. EVEN THEN, I feel like if my bf asked, I would show up to be by his side. I think you have to try for someone you love. It's not just a graduation, it's a funeral of someone they loved. It's in a whole other league. Even if you end up with nightmares, or in my case nightmares and sleep walking, it's still worth it to go. That's just my opinion.

[Angler]

I've never been allowed to go to a funeral. My mom is really strict.

 

You're 23. Has no one important in your life passed away in the last 5 years, since you've been old enough to make all your decisions for yourself?

[abitbroken]

I think we don't have enough info to judge.

 

If she has sole custody of her daughter, it would be inappropriate for her to take her daughter to the funeral of someone the daughter has never met - and we don't know if the OP is involved in the daughter's life yet or not. I could see if the girlfriend went to the daughter's basketball game, but then joined the OP the night before, and after the funeral to provide support and comfort to him or attended the other events.

 

Also, 8 months for some couples is practically being married and for other couples its just becoming exclusive.

 

In my family obviously funerals are important, but not everyone has the luxury of getting off of work if the relative isn't direct or have small children to tend to - so daytime funerals are not as well attended, but at some point - whether its a visitation or the after dinner, etc, everyone comes to some part of it.

 

But if a gf/bf never met the family, it is possible they wouldn't go to the funeral.

 

I do agree that it would be nice for the gf to go to some part of the funeral events, even if its not the actual service/mass, but can't really judge not knowing more.

[Fudgie]

I guess it really depends. Not enough info to judge.

 

I know for me, when my boyfriend's grandmother goes, I will not attend the funeral and my boyfriend knows this. I hate his entire family (so does he) and so I would rather that they not know at all about my existence as a person. His grandmother is a vile alcoholic too. I told him I would drive him there and pick him up but I would not go at all and he is fine with this because he doesn't want his crazy family stalking me either and he knows how much I hate his grandmother after the things she has done and how she has slandered my own family.

 

Honestly though, if he were actually gong to be torn up about it, I'd consider going but he has accepted her fate so yeah. He doesn't really like her.

 

I don't think this makes me a bad person or a girlfriend. I just refuse to put myself into a situation with a bunch of druggie freaks and I will not memorialize a person that I have come to hate.

 

Everyone can have their own reasons. It's not an immediate sign of disrespect.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think you SHOULD simply go just to support someone though. I did and almost 6 months later I still have nightmares (and I never even saw her in her casket). I completely and utterly wish I hadn't gone.

 

When it is your boyfriend, your parent, your siblings, your best friend who needs the support...it is very important to go to be supportive. Sometimes in life we have to do what is uncomfortable in support of someone close to us who is going through a bad time and needs us. Imagine in your hour of need if your husband tells you "I am sorry, those situations make me uncomfortable so I won't be there with you". How would you really feel if your husband isn't there for you in a time of crisis because it makes him uncomfortable.

 

Someone I know had an aversion to hospitals so he would spend very little time in the hospital when his wife had surgery...he took care of his own comfort level rather than being there for his wife in her hour of need. Another person I know couldn't handle hospitals and sickness so when his best friend was dying, he didn't even go visit him in the hospital...didn't give support to his dying friend nor to the friend's wife because it made him uncomfortable. Imagine how betrayed these people felt when the one close to them did not give the support they needed.

[Batya33]

I would also want to know if she has offered to be there after the funeral or at another time. I agree the daughter should not go.

[DN]

According to the OP she won't go because she wants to take her daughter to her basketball game. Unless he deliberately left something out, that isn't a good enough reason IMO.

[SapphireNoir10]

I would put my partner first. A parent dying is a massive event and Im very sorry for your loss.

 

I would never question dropping everything to be there at a funeral with my partner. I hate them. They disturb me really badly. But if you love someone, you do it.

 

I would end it with my partner if he wouldn't support me at a funeral.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Difficult to go is no excuse. There are senior citizens who keep watching their friends die or the spouse of their friend die and they still go to the funeral no matter how difficult it is because it is showing support. I can't imagine it is very easy for seniors to go wondering when it will be their turn.

[appdev89]

I think this stems from her jealousy issues that you've talked about previously! I once had a boyfriend who got angry with me when I got back from a friend's funeral (we were 19 at the time). He said "You better not spend the whole night all upset!" He was actually jealous I was upset about my male friends death!!! Your girlfriend has had some very weird jealous outbursts in the past. I wouldn't be surprised if she is not wanting to go to the funeral because she can't stand to see you getting alot of attention from other people. She does sound irrationally jealous.

 

What? That doesn't even make any sense unless I am not reading it right. Male friend is totally different from parents.

[appdev89]

I'm guessing that this is a new girlfriend because he started his previous thread in 2004 and they've only been dating for 8 months.

 

but yeah, that is a good point. could be jealousy issues?

 

you seem to get what jordesse means. Could you explain it to me how going to his dad's funeral will make other women be interested in him? Its a funeral, not a bar

[annie24]

you seem to get what jordesse means. Could you explain it to me how going to his dad's funeral will make other women be interested in him? Its a funeral, not a bar

 

not jealous in the sense of him meeting other women at a funeral. but perhaps jealous in the sense that she doesn't like it when he has other things going on in his life besides her? doesn't like other things to occupy his attention?

 

it's just speculation.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'd hope I'd understand, especially if it is something he severely dislikes. And actually, that has happened and I completey understood his reasoning and respected that fact even though for me my instinct was the opposite of it.

[Natasha24]

There is no excuse for her not to attend the funeral with you. She may not feel comfortable (everyone is uncomfortable at funerals), but this is the ONE thing you drop everything for in order to be there for someone you care about. If she's not there for you when your parent dies, when will she be there for you?

 

There is absolutely no excuse for her to avoid this funeral. I know you're in a hard spot right now and I'm sure you don't want to cause more stress in your life, but to be 100% honest, I would dump her if I was you.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[calichick007]

Inexcusable, IMO. Who doesn't "severely dislike" funerals??? Ever since my father died, hospitals make me feel nauseous. The smell, the layout, everything about it makes me feel queasy. But when my best friend had her first child last week, you bet I was there. When my ex's mother was ill, I was there. You make sacrifices for those you truly care about. Period.

[pl3asehelp]

Inexcusable, IMO. Who doesn't "severely dislike" funerals??? Ever since my father died, hospitals make me feel nauseous. The smell, the layout, everything about it makes me feel queasy. But when my best friend had her first child last week, you bet I was there. When my ex's mother was ill, I was there. You make sacrifices for those you truly care about. Period.

 

Totally agree with this. There's no excuse. None. Gotta suck it up and do something you hate.

[DN]

It appears that some are projecting or assuming that she refuses to go because she doesn't like funerals - but what she said, according to the OP, was that she wasn't going to go because she was going to take her daughter to her basketball games. Sometimes what people say is what they mean and you have to assume that.