Gf won't go to funeral

[pugg]

My girfriend of eight months has chosen not to go to my fathers funeral after I asked her to go. She has chosen to take her daughter to her basketball game which she always attends no matter what. I respect that her wanting to be a good mom but there are times when you must choose to support your bf. I don't have children myself but should I look on this I this enough of a red flag to end the relationship? I just wanted to post and get responses from people that don't know her or me

[Kaytie]

First of all, I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your father. My deepest condolences.

 

If my partner lost a parent - or any relative or close friend - I would be there in a heartbeat. And she would do the same for me. My partner has a daughter as well and it would be a no brainer that she either brings her to the funeral or finds alternative child care.

 

Personally, if it were my Dad and my partner wasn't there then that would be the end of the relationship for me, hands down. I lost an uncle very early on into our relationship and she was there for me.

[Me and myself]

I'm sorry for your father.

 

I didn't went to some friends funerals and one of my grandma...but cried a lot at home.

I don't like funerals (as most of us, I think) but it doesn't mean I can't feel loss. I'm sure she's feeling like that too, and I'm sure she'll be with you after it.

[Deejmonster]

Death is hard to handle no matter how close you are to the person. It doesn't seem like a red flag to me at all. Personally I hate funerals. I really don't know what I am going to do when I have to attend one of someone extremely close to me. Maybe she doesn't feel like its her place to be at. She doesn't HAVE to go... I wouldn't take it so personally. Im sure you are already dealing with the loss of your father. Im very sorry for the loss too. Don't allow that to cloud your judgement right now. I think you are over thinking this a bit too much.

[agent1607307371]

Has she met your family?

[Me and myself]

I really don't know what I am going to do when I have to attend one of someone extremely close to me.

 

Me neither.

[Moontiger]

I would consider this a red flag. My BF and I have been together about the same amount of time as you and your GF, if his dad passed away I would be there for him and he would be there for me if anyone I knew passed away.

 

I think its rude, cold, and insensitive of her to not be there for you.

[HeartGoesOn]

Dis she explain why she doesn't want to go?

[eternalsunrise]

I'm very sorry for your loss ((hugs))

 

Did your gf meet your dad?

 

If this happened to me, I would have to end it with the person. Honestly, being a good parent is also showing your child how to care for people you're close to. It's a major character attribute.

 

Did you express to your gf after she said no that you do want her there? Does she know you're upset that she won't go? If so, and she still won't go, that's even more of a reason you should end it with her.

[Me and myself]

I think, before jumping into any conclusions or actions, you must talk wth her and ask her why she decided not to go. I'm almost sure she'll have a valid reason beside taking care of daughter.

Talk with her and ear what she says.

[erzerum7]

Obviously talk to her to see if she has an explanation. Taking her daughter to play sports is not a valid excuse. Unless she has a valid excuse, I would take this as the height of disrespect (to you) and callousness, and I would end it right now.

[annie24]

i'm also curious why she said no.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Obviously talk to her to see if she has an explanation. Taking her daughter to play sports is not a valid excuse. Unless she has a valid excuse, I would take this as the height of disrespect (to you) and callousness, and I would end it right now.

 

I agree. If a partner can't be there to support the other at the funeral of his parent then why bother having a partner. It just shows what kind of person she is when the chips are down.

[annie24]

I agree. If a partner can't be there to support the other at the funeral of his parent then why bother having a partner. It just shows what kind of person she is when the chips are down.

 

yeah, i agree. if the funeral hasn't come yet, i might reiterate to her how important her support is to you at this time. i get it, no one likes going to funerals. they're sad and depressing. awkward too, especially if you don't know the deceased. but she should be there for you. i get that she wants to be a good mom and go to her daughter's games, but i think if her daughter is old enough to be playing basketball, she also is old enough to understand that mom has to go to a funeral because it's important to be there for the ones you love. and a funeral is not an everyday event - especially losing a parent. that only happens once or twice in your lifetime. so asking her to miss one game out of a dozen this season is not a big deal. imho.

 

i'm very sorry for your loss.

[RedDress]

I would also have a really hard time accepting this.

 

I guess my questions/some exceptions would be:

- Has she met your father or your family? If not, I could see how she might be uncomfortable meeting people for the first time at a funeral.

- Have you met her daughter? (I don't think this is a given)

- What custody arrangements does she have with the daughter? If that's her one night a week with her daughter and the daughter hasn't met you, for example, I could see how it would be awkward to explain to little Janie why she has to go to a funeral rather than her basketball game.

 

... but it would have to be a very strong explanation like the above. Otherwise, I think it's a big red flag. Children come first - but that doesn't mean you completely ignore everything else in life - especially your partner in an extremely difficult time...

[jordesse]

I think this stems from her jealousy issues that you've talked about previously! I once had a boyfriend who got angry with me when I got back from a friend's funeral (we were 19 at the time). He said "You better not spend the whole night all upset!" He was actually jealous I was upset about my male friends death!!! Your girlfriend has had some very weird jealous outbursts in the past. I wouldn't be surprised if she is not wanting to go to the funeral because she can't stand to see you getting alot of attention from other people. She does sound irrationally jealous.

[Angler]

I'm sorry you lost your father.

 

I would end the relationship with this girl if I was in your position.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm sorry for your lose. I guess I'll be the black sheep and say her not going wouldn't be an automatic red flag for me. I personally do not go to funerals if I knew the person. Funerals and I have never mixed and even at 24 I still have nightmares if I attend one. I broke this rule this past April when I attended my grandmother's funeral to support my brother and sister who went as well and I wish I hadn't gone to be honest. I think saying good bye to a loved one is a personal, private moment (but that is me). If it's someone I didn't know very well (or had no emotions toward) going to their funeral doesn't bother me.

 

Not saying funerals bother your girlfriend but that's just another side to look at. Has she given a reason for not attending and taking her daughter to the game? Can she not find a baby sitter? Does she not want to take the child to the funeral or upset her routine?

[annie24]

I think this stems from her jealousy issues that you've talked about previously! I once had a boyfriend who got angry with me when I got back from a friend's funeral (we were 19 at the time). He said "You better not spend the whole night all upset!" He was actually jealous I was upset about my male friends death!!! Your girlfriend has had some very weird jealous outbursts in the past. I wouldn't be surprised if she is not wanting to go to the funeral because she can't stand to see you getting alot of attention from other people. She does sound irrationally jealous.

 

I'm guessing that this is a new girlfriend because he started his previous thread in 2004 and they've only been dating for 8 months.

 

but yeah, that is a good point. could be jealousy issues?

[annie24]

well, no one likes going to funerals. they're not fun for anyone involved. it's not like you go for the great food or the gossip or whatever. if the gf were to go, it would be to support her bf, not to say goodbye to his father. i think you pointed out well that you do go to a funeral if it's to support those close to you.

[OptomisticGirl]

well, no one likes going to funerals. they're not fun for anyone involved. it's not like you go for the great food or the gossip or whatever. if the gf were to go, it would be to support her bf, not to say goodbye to his father. i think you pointed out well that you do go to a funeral if it's to support those close to you.

 

I don't think you SHOULD simply go just to support someone though. I did and almost 6 months later I still have nightmares (and I never even saw her in her casket). I completely and utterly wish I hadn't gone.

[JewelCat]

Has she met your family?

 

I lost my uncle when my bf and I had been together for probably about 6 months. My mother actually invited him to the funeral, but my bf declined because he hadn't met the rest of my family and didn't feel comfortable meeting everyone else at such an occasion. And to be honest, I wasn't comfortable introducing him to the rest of the family at a funeral. If she hasn't met your family yet, this is probably why she declined.

[annie24]

I don't think you SHOULD simply go just to support someone though. I did and almost 6 months later I still have nightmares (and I never even saw her in her casket). I completely and utterly wish I hadn't gone.

 

my perspective, having been to many many funerals already (and my dad's when i was 11 years old)..... yeah, funerals suck but they are a part of life, and a part of being human. we all live and we all die. i feel like she should suck it up and go because it is important to her bf. we do all sorts of things as adults that we don't particularly enjoy but we do because it's part of being human and a member of civil society.

[Wonderstruck]

well, no one likes going to funerals. they're not fun for anyone involved. it's not like you go for the great food or the gossip or whatever. if the gf were to go, it would be to support her bf, not to say goodbye to his father. i think you pointed out well that you do go to a funeral if it's to support those close to you.

 

I couldn't agree more. I have no sympathy for people who refuse to attend funerals because "it upsets them and makes them uncomfortable". Guess what? NO ONE likes going to funerals! They're HORRIBLE. But they are an unfortunate part of life and everyone has to deal with them. You suck it up and go to say your goodbyes and pay your respects, or you go to support a relative, friend, boyfriend/girlfriend etc. (who often has no choice whether or not to attend the funeral).

 

It's like the people that refuse to visit someone in the hospital because "they don't like hospitals". Again, NOBODY likes hospitals. But you suck it up because you're going to support someone and it's the right thing to do. You force yourself through the discomfort because it's the right thing to do.

 

If the OP's girlfriend gives an excuse of not going to the funeral because "she doesn't like funerals", I'd advise that he break up with her right there and then. That is the height of selfishness and immaturity, and is a HUGE red flag, in my opinion.

[DN]

She should be there to support you - that is what loving partners do. The fact that she isn't going to be there speaks volumes about how she regards you.

 

Unless she has some sort of phobia about funerals, this would mean the end of the relationship if I were in your place. Even if she doesn't care for funerals or didn't know your father, she should be there - it is one of the sacrifices people make in relationships.