Married colleague heartache

[es546]

I don't really know what advice I can get on this but feel like I need to talk about it. What I'm saying here isn't trying to justify my own actions or say it's ok. I just got myself into a situation I never wanted to or thought possible.

 

Last year I started a new job, at the same time two of my close family members died and I went through a lot of inner turmoil. As this was happening, my relationship of 3 years was going through a rough patch; no sex; arguing.

 

It's safe to say I was a bit of a mess, and possibly was looking for an outlet. When, one of my colleagues (married, 14 years older) started talking to me online. Friendly at first, a bit of a laugh, some innuendo here and there but all in all innocent. Somehow this chat started to turn more and more sexual and intimate. What emerged is that he wasn't having sex with his partner either, and we were both a little unhappy in our relationships.

 

We ended up talking throughout the day everyday for about 2 months. Joking about running away together, and going places together, doing things. I guess I got caught up in it completely. The worst part is that this 'emotional affair' turned into a physical one after a work night out. We didn't have sex as my conscience came to me before it got that far, and stopped him from taking it any further.

 

His wife found out a week later about the talking online by checking his facebook. Turns out he'd been having an affair for 6 months with another married woman also, but his wife never found out about this, just about me.

 

So basically, everything ended there. We still chat, he still is flirty and suggestive from time to time, but he says he's trying to be 'well behaved' for the sake of his marriage. My partner hasn't found out and things are currently a bit better between the two of us.

 

However, I have this constant feeling of longing mixed with guilt mixed with sadness. I think about all the things we'd said we were going to do, all of the things he said to make me feel good about myself. And I miss them, I miss it, I miss him. In spite of myself.

 

He said he cared about me and that it was more than just flirting. But now I'm assuming he doesn't feel like that anymore, and I'm left with all of the residual feelings that are just rotting inside of me like mulch.

 

How do I get rid of these intense feelings and constant thoughts? Do I tell my partner? Any comments/advice will be gratefully received.

 

Thanks.

[PaintWithLight]

Don't tell your partner. Talk to us and talk to yourself.

 

All the things he said you were going to do together = Pure Lies.

All the things he said to make you feel good about yourself = WRONG. Those were just things he said to try and get into your pants.

 

You really need to end things and cut this man out of your life completely. You have proof that he is not a good man. He was juggling you and another married woman at the same time. If his wife wants to forgive him than that is her decision but why cannot you see the facts???? There was nothing innocent about this guy. You opened up to him about your vulnerability and he exploited it. What you saw as harmless flirting and innuendo was him slowly pushing your boundaries and planting the seed of unfaithfulness. You need to see your role in this as well. Nothing happened by accident. You knew where things were headed that one night after work, right? Your guilt kicked in and you stopped things but he now knows that you are his if he can just get you alone again. Hence, the continued contact and lame promises to "try and be good".

 

Chalk this one up to "live and learn" and swallow the bitter pill of experience. Get this guy out of your life. Face the truth that he betrayed your trust just like he did his wife. What do you think he was saying to the other married woman??

[samanthajones]

I've been in a similar situation before. While I'm sure that you liked each other a lot of it was a reaction to being unhappy with your relationships. Like a rebound/fantasy thing. this kinda interaction becomes like an addiction. Its best to move on, stop talking and deal with your issues...you could tell him "if you get a divorce look me up" but don't expect that to happen!!..it really is a good learning experience to see how you deal with things. It hurts but it will hurt more if you keep talikng..

[luminousone]

The person you are missing is the fantasy guy he presented you with.

 

The real person deceived you, his wife, and probably the other woman too.

 

Sometimes people know just what to say to someone that is in a vulnerable emotional spot in their life - and often they need someone to "save" in order to stroke their ego. They themselves are not in the best emotional health either.

 

The thrill of it all makes it more attractive, but once reality sets in then it can all blow up.

 

Too bad you got sucked into an emotional affair. So glad you did not get physical. At this time you should go NC with your coworker.

 

And next time draw clear boundaries when corresponding with a married man- like make sure any correspondence could be read by the spouse and they would be fine with it. Then if the correspondence ever strayed you would immediately say that you are not comfortable with the way the conversation is proceeding and you will no longer accept correspondence from him, unless he copies his wife on each message. He'll get the picture then.

[luminousone]

By the way, it is devastating when your partner/spouse has an emotional affair. I know because my ex did. It took energy away from our relationship and we were later unable to repair our marriage (together 21 years and married for 17 years).

 

Also, to answer your question:

Every time you start to reminisce about him, STOP those thoughts and think about the real person he is- a smooth talker that lies and cheats and will continue to do so.

 

Then, begin to really look at your partner and look at qualities that you love and appreciate, and tell him!