she says she cant be in a relationship right now

[SteveD10]

I apologize ahead of time if this is too long but I don't really have anyone I can ask about this kinda thing and I'm desperate for advice before I panic and ruin things.

 

I've been with this girl for only two months now, I met her literally the day she broke up with her ex and we instantly hit it off, we spent the first three or four days together after we met and we were literally inseperable since then, I've been in a relationship for two years and didn't feel as comfortable and happy as I did with her after just two months. After a few weeks she went back to school, and started working a more time consuming job and I was sure this would be how we would end up drifting apart but even then she made time for me, just as happy to see me as she always was.

 

The only two problems we ever had in the short time period was her weight (she had a self image problem from abusive relationships with an ex from highschool and her father and she believed she was fat at 117 pounds and wanted to lose an unhealthy amount of weight...) and the fact that we weren't dating. But even those were easy to manage, I even got her to start eating normally and I was ok with waiting until she was ready to start dating, she seemed like she's not ready and would get very uneasy when I suggested we should be dating, considering she just got out of a relationship and everything was going so smoothly there was no need to rush so I never pushed the subject.

 

Then last week she became distant and three days ago I find out she's in the hospital and going to need two different surgeries. It seemed like she was trying to start a fight with me while I was asking her about it, I eventually got upset and gave in. The fight ended with her telling me its over. I stopped there to give her time to cool down and called her the next day and she told me she thought she was comfortable getting involved with me so fast but now she's not, she said she's very happy with me and likes me a lot but as she told me the whole time she's not ready for relationship and it needs to stop because she needs to focus on herself. She says she still wants to talk and says she's not saying we'll never be together once she's ready, and we have been talking but I can tell she's trying to keep her distance.

 

I respect everything she's said and completely understand where she's coming from, between trying to stay on the deans list, learning a new and demanding job and now having to go through surgery and pay for the medical bills is a lot for a 20 year old somewhat unstable girl to handle and I don't believe she has any hidden motives or anything like that but at the same time I have no idea what to do, I don't really understand why it had to stop so abruptly and I'm really confused as to what happens next, I don't want to keep bringing it up to her because I know that's just going to push her away. Everything was going so great I don't want it to end now before it ever really went anywhere so if anyone actually Read this is it worth waiting around even though there's no guarantee we'll ever actually be together or do I just move on? I'm open to any solution u may have I'm just trying to weigh my options

[GrowingUp85]

You don't have to necessarily move on, but give the girl space. She left one relationship, and started another one with you quickly. It sounds like he just needs space. Go NC, and let her reach out to you when she's ready.

[annie24]

she seems like a young woman who is in a very vulnerable position right now and has a lot of problems to fix. you sound like a great guy but you're trying to be her 'knight in shining armor' and fix all her problems. some guys like to save the wounded birds. i think with her recent breakup, her eating disorder, and school and the surgeries, she really should not be in a relationship right now. i think it would not be a good idea for you to wait around until she gets her life back on track. she needs a therapist right now.

[SteveD10]

Thanks for the advice guys I've really been thinking about what people have been telling me and for the most part have left her alone unless she texted me. I understand what u guys are saying but is NC really the best idea considering she's going through a surgery that will determine whether or not she's ever able to have kids? Shouldn't I at least show her I'm there for her and try to be supportful through it? I feel like that's the right thing to do but I don't want to come off as trying too hard....

[markie6]

Might be better to let her know you are there if she needs you and then walk away , knowing you have done your best and also knowing she may never want to be in a relationship. It's obviously a tricky time for her , but you must not wait around for somebody to change their mind.

[SteveD10]

Did that, havent talked to her since even though its driving me nuts. Everyones telling me to give her space so its gotta be the right thing to do. I guess ill just see how it goes from here, I really appreciate all the advice thanks a lot, I hope it works

[lamnas]

Wow, I feel your pain! I'm in a similar situation, aside from the eating/surgery thing. I met her pretty much the next day after she went through a hard break up. Everything was great, for three months, then she started working crazy hours, then she started school all the while looking for a new job to start. We still tried to make dates to hang out, but important stuff would come up and plans would fall through. Didn't get to see her during that time. Out of the blue she cuts me off saying right now she couldn't give me the serious relationship she thought I wanted because of everything going on in her life (I didn't necessarily want a serious relationship, but I think she knew we were both headed in that direction and it freaked her out). While I really hope she comes back around, and I liked her so much, i'm not gonna sit around and wait for her either.

 

As others have said, don't wait around for her, do your own thing, keep in NC. We all know its hard as hell. Since things didn't end badly, and you both got along well, you probably have a better chance of reconnecting down the road. And if she comes back around and you are both ready, Awesome! Good luck!

[SteveD10]

Thanks man, I agree at this point though I don't really know exactly what I'm supposed to do lol I hope it works out for you too, I dunno if it helps for u but I just keep telling myself I know I've been nothing but good to her and we've been happy since we met and have given her no reason not to want to come back once she's ready, so if she doesn't come back then that's her loss. It doesn't stop me from thinking about her all the time but it kinda makes me feel a little better lol

[Ang33]

Same situation but 7 years in and we're both going to grad school. Yea it sucks and even though everyone is saying move on and you don't want to, it's the right thing to do.. Part of me will always around for her as bad as that sounds but i can't erase the 7 great years we had together.

[SteveD10]

Wow seven years... that's never gonna go away I'm sorry to hear that...