I'm at a loss. BF and I haven't had sex in 3 months! He has ZERO sex drive!

[frustratedgal]

I am at a loss here, and don't know what to do.

 

Hopefully you all can offer some help and advice.

 

Backstory: BF and I have been together for 4.5 years. We've lived together for 3.5 years. We don't see each other much during the day, or have days off together, because of our jobs. I am in my late 20's, and he's in his mid 30's. No kids. For the first couple of years, sex was awesome. It was frequent (few times/week) and very, very satisfying. But, things have changed (and, might I add, DRASTICALLY.) It has been 3 months since we've last had sex. Before that, it was 2 months...and before that, another 2 months. My boyfriend is completely uninterested in sex whatsoever. It seems he's developed erectile problems as well. It's hard for him to get an erection, and he usually goes limp in the middle of sex. When we DO have sex, it's terrible now. A far cry from how it used to be! Seriously, foreplay on his part lasts *maybe* 10 minutes...and, it's like it's a major chore for him and he's not into it at all. It's like he's just going through the motions, just to get it over with. And then, after foreplay on his part is done, he rolls over on his back - wanting me to reciprocate - and closes his eyes and lies there with his arms at his sides. Not touching me, not looking at me, nothing. Just....lies there.

 

He will sometimes say, "we need a weekend where we relax and just hang out." Yeah, that would be nice. But, countless times in the past when we've had a night off together, or a weekend off together, it's always the same thing; he wants to rent a movie, and 2:00AM rolls around and he's sleeping in the recliner. Either, that or we end up going out for a few drinks...which turns into a few x 5, and he's had too much to drink and doesn't want to have sex. He doesn't drink a lot; maybe one day/week. So, the drinking isn't an issue.

 

I know some of you are probably thinking: Try some lingerie and/or toys...drag him into the bedroom and seduce him. Believe me...I've tried this stuff. It doesn't work. It sparks no interest from him at all. In the past, when I'd bring up the lack of sex issue, he'd say, "Well, I don't see you initiating it!" I used to try to initiate it, but, I've given up. Why try, when I either A) get shot down, or B) am left disappointed becase the lack of effort/attention/interest on his part leads to an unsatisfying and mediocre sexual experience.

 

I should also add that he has sleep apnea. Several (we're talking maybe 10 years ago) he was diagnosed, and had a CPAP machine. He quit using the maching long before he and I got together. I think the machine has long since been thrown away. In the last several months, I've brought up the apnea issue to him, and have asked him if he can go in and have another sleep study done, and get another CPAP machine. He keep saying he will call and make an appointment.....but they're simply empty promises, because he never follows through. The most recent time I brought it up was a couple of weeks ago. He again said he'd make an appointment, but he hasn't yet. I really don't want to be the naggy, b*tchy girlfriend, but, I think we're probably to that point now. I have a feeling that the apnea is contributing to his non-existant libido (low-T, possibly?) Because of the apnea, we can't even sleep in the same bed. I bet it's been 6 months since we've slept in the same bed.

 

I am at a loss. I have no idea what to do. I cry because of this. He even went to so far as to say, "maybe you need to find a young stud." (he was joking, of course, but still...) I don't want anybody else. I want him. I want things to be NORMAL. Things are far (very far!) from normal right now. I can't go on living this way. In my opinion, a couple sleeping together and enjoying regular sex are two very basic components to a relationship (and to life in general.) He has assured me time and time again that he is still attracted to me. He is a faithful man, and I know he is not cheating.

[Roxie84]

Does he masterbate often or watch a lot of pornography? Yes, a sleep disorder can affect his sex drive, but not to this point. This is an issue in your relationship, and you need to discuss it very frankly and openly with him. I know you've tried, but maybe you need to get a little upset with him (not nagging, be constructive, but you know what I mean).

 

He needs to understand how much this is questioning your faith in your relationship and how much it is hurting your self esteem. It is not fair for him to be having this effect on you.

[frustratedgal]

When we first started dating (...when we were not living together) he would watch porn and masturbate. He was actually quite open, I guess you could say, about the masturbation. Not open in the sense that he'd do it when I was around or anything like that. But, every now and then he'd casually mention he had done it. I thoroughly believe he doesn't watch porn or masturbate anymore, though.

 

I absolutely do not want to break up over this. I love him and care about him way too much, and I know he feels the same about me. But, I worry. What if we have a sit-down and I lay everything out on the table and tell him how I'm feeling....and he doesn't change? It absolutely breaks my heart.

[Roxie84]

Sadly that is a possibility, but nothing will get resolved by fighting or ignoring the situation. You are committed to one another, and he (should) love you enough to hear you out on this issue. A man in a fairly new relationship uninterested in sex is definitely not a light issue. This is something that is impacting both of you.

 

If he is simply sweeping his sleep apnea under the rug and not acknowldging it, he is only causing more damage. Ignoring the problem won't make it go away. So while you are having a talk about this, you can express that you love him and are scared about the consequences if he doesn't take care of his problem

[frustratedgal]

I know that things "simmer down" in the bedroom, once the newness of a relationship wears off. After 4.5 years of being with somebody, I'm sure this is normal. But, our love life is completely non-existant right now. What frustrates me even more is, I keep thinking that HE thinks this is normal. He's told me in the past that he's "getting old." Yes...o.k...mid-30's...not a spring chicken anymore. I understand that. But, there's a difference between "getting old" and the romance slowing down....and getting old and having it come to a complete halt.

 

I *do* feel as though he is sweeping the apnea issue under the rug. Out of sight, out of mind. On anotehr note: 3 years ago, he went to the ER with severe abdominal pain. Gallbaldder issues run in his family something terrible (almost all of his relatives - dad, grandparents, aunt - have had their gallbladder's removed.) The doctor at the ER told him it wasn't his gallbladder, beacuse they saw no inflamation or stones when they did an ultrasound (which, by the way, was several hours AFTER the attack had stopped.) Well, for THREE YEARS he put up with monthly gallbladder attacks, before he finally went in and had more tests done, and was seen by a specialist. The specialist told him that, based on bloodwork, it was not his gallbladder. She prescribed him some pills for intestinal spasms, and told him to call her back in a month or so if he saw no change. That was back in May. You think he's called her back to continue on with more tests to find a diagnosis? Nope.

 

So, not only does he have the apnea issue, but he's got this mystery gallbladder/intestinal thing going on (which he's also brushed under the rug.)

 

I think he probably feels overwhelmed by his health issues, quite frankly. Almost like, "what's next????" But, the way I see it, he's lived with the mystery gallbladder/intestinal problem for 3 years now, with no major problems (other than the monthly mild attack.) The way he SHOULD be feeling right now is, "I cannot live with the way our personal life is going right now, for 3 more years." It is something that needs to be addressed, like, NOW.

[giubilante]

It sounds like he has medical issues he simply isn't addressing, which are causing him physical problems with intercourse. And, of course, when men feel unable to satisfy you in the bedroom physically, they frequently withdraw emotionally as well.

 

If your bf is not sleeping well, his whole body and being is effected. Do you think he is depressed as well? Are there other mood changes, or does he seem to be not quite as 'there' mentally as he was when you were first together?

 

You definitely need to have a talk with him about this - it is destroying him, and it is hurting you. I understand that he's pursued some things medically, and he hasn't gotten results, but that doesn't mean he should quit. In fact, he should start working harder to find a solution. He is not old, and he shouldn't feel like his life is winding down yet. That is illness talking, unfortunately, and until he does something about it, things aren't going to get any better.

[frustratedgal]

I do see him procrastinating on things quite a bit, especially with projects around the house. He sleeps ALL THE TIME. Literally, 10 hours/night. And I use the term "sleep" loosely, because he doesn't sleep. He snores. Really loud.

 

I know the excuse he's used for not pursuing this gallbladder thing any further, is that he doesn't like the specialist. And I agree; I don't like her either. I was with him when he saw her, and she had this arrogant, I-don't-give-a-**** attitude with him, which rubbed him the wrong way. And also, we both went in to that appointment thinking she'd tell him it was his gallbladder, and make an appointment for him to have it out the following week. But, that's now what happened. That, too, made him upset. So, that's his main excuse for not wanting to go back to her. That, and she said if these anti-spasmatic pills don't work (which they didn't) he'd need a colonoscopy and another endoscopy (...and unfortunately these specialists are booked pretty solid, so for him to go see a different one would probably take another 4 months. But...I guess...po-tay-to, po-tah-to............it's already been 3 years, so what's another 4 months in the grand scheme of things?)

 

And the apnea thing. He's told me before he doesn't want to have to do another sleep study. So, that's the excuse for not pursing treatment for that.

 

+ obesity runs in his family, as do pre-diabetes tendancies. Oh, and did I mention, apnea? He doesn't watch what he eats and isn't slim.

 

I feel bad for talking about him. Ugh. The thought of what our future could/would be if he doesn't get things straightened out, makes me sick to my stomach I just do not - for the life of me - understand HOW a person can not address health issues like this? And furthermore, personal/relationship-related issues that stem from health issues! I don't like going to the doctor either, but dammit, when something's wrong, I get it looked at!

[upsndowns]

Honestly, between the sleep issues and the not wanting to do things, it really sounds like depression. Your description of him sounds so much like me a while ago that it's scary. Doing anything is completely overwhelming, but making appointments and phone calls? That terrified me. I literally couldn't handle making appointments or talking to people on the phone. It was almost like I would forget on purpose because thinking about it was too scary. I wound up in the hospital with scars all over my arms, but that doesn't have to be true for your boyfriend. I would do some reading about depression and see if it sounds a little too familiar. If it does, there are informal depression tests that you can take online. Maybe you could cut a deal with him and have him take one. If it doesn't say that he has moderate depression or worse, he doesn't have to see someone about it. But if it does say that he has moderate depression or worse, then he has to see someone. Not knowing him at all, I would say that it's severe from what you've told us. And by now I know my stuff when it comes to depression.