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Why do I stay with her?


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I recently read an article titled "Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser" written by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist. It won't let me put the link, but if you do a search you should be able to find it. I fall into this category. My live in girlfriend fits about ten of the warning signs (numbers 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 14, 15, 17) . Yet, for some reason, I keep giving her more chances and for some reason I just can't let go. I can't stop loving her. All my friends and family see what she is doing to me. She only gets mad when I tell other people. Stating this is our business and not theirs. What can I do? This is destroying me emotionally. Why can't I just walk away? She says she loves me and I believe she does.


I have tried talking to her and she is even getting therapy, but I'm not seeing much change. And everytime I try to break it off she accuses me of not giving her enough time to get 'fixed'. And I believe her so I give her another chance.


I think part of the reason I keep giving her more chances is out of guilt. She is almost 100% financially dependant on me. I pay all of the rent, utilities, food etc. She cannot afford to survive without my help. She has a job, but it only pays minimum wage and she only works 30 hours/week. She doesn't even have a car.


I'm getting ready to move out of state because of my job. The plan has always been for her to come with me, but I have since changed my mind and told her I didn't think it would work. So then she bombards me with comments like:


"Thanks for giving up. I sure was kidding myself"


"Sorry I didn't get fixed quick enough for you and I am sorry for loving you"


I know I have made mistakes but you have CRUSHED not only my heart but my spirit. Well done"


"And you will go on and never look back!"


"What SUCKS is just when I start to believe in me and us BOOM!"


""Happy 50th to me


Those were all within a five minute period.



Part of me still wants her to come because deep down I still love her, but I CANNOT deal with her problems anymore. She keeps referring to the move as a clean slate and has assured me things will be different. If they are not then she has agreed to leave after 60 days, but she just wants this one chance.


She is wearing me down so bad I have made an appointment to see a therapist just to get professional help.


Thanks for listening.



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I understand your pain my friend. If you hadn't read that article, would you still feel the same way? You may still love her but you are realizing that she might be the right person for you. You have to make choices that will be best for you. Its a hard call.. but its what has to be done. She feels like an anchor. A weight that is not allowing you to move forward with your life. Do what is going to make you happiest.

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Rough Treatment "The Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset.
If she has done any of this, then you should leave her.




All the rest are bad enough but violence is unacceptable. Bearing in mind the other behaviours she will probably accuse you of violence and call police on you.

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Coo coo for cocoa puffs. I sympathize with your pain - it feels almost impossible to leave someone we have invested or emotions in, even when we know they are making us miserabe.


Please, for yourself, cut your losses (not really a loss here) and start fresh without her when you move. She is toxic for you, and the emotional abuse will only continue.

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Pack your stuff, make your move and leave her behind. Once you get some distance between you, you'll be able to see a lot more clearly what a parasitic leech this woman really is. It's not love, it's an abusive merry-go-round. If she really wanted to get "fixed" she'd be putting a lot more effort into it including being able to support herself. There's no reason an able bodied individual can't get out and find decent enough work to help pay for something. So where does all the money she make go. Bottom line, she's using you for all she can get and the guilt trips she pulls on you work real well to keep you sucked in.

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Maybe because you have invested so much that you don't want to give that up? I think that happen a lot, maybe you don't want to lose


I can not tell you that you should leave her right away, because I know both sides and is not easy for either. But you definitely, if you want to give the last chance, put a limit date to see the changes... you've been wainting enough

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Guys love to fix stuff.


That is EXACTLY what her therapist said.


As far as confusing neediness for love, I'm not so sure. Maybe that is what she is doing, but deep down I feel she does love me. She has had a pretty rough life and because I do love her I am not going to give up on her. I consider the physical abuse incident to be an isolated incident and that was the point where she realized she needed help. To her credit she starting seeing a therapist within a week. Although, I may have pushed her because sometimes she lack motivation. You see when things are going good, they are AWESOME. We often just sit in each other's arms on the couch in the evenings. I ALWAYS reach for her hand when we are in public. So I'm just not ready to give up on that yet. Here is what I am doing. She needs to have, before we go, a one way ticket back to wherever she is going for thirty days after we get there. That ticket will be extended every thirty days for the first year. If, after that year probation, she has not had any relapses then she can refund the ticket. She also needs to get a notarized statement saying she will leave within seven calendar days if at any time she has a relapse I decide she needs to go. Surprisingly both her and her therapist think this is a good idea not only for her, but me as well.


Sometimes I feel like Luke Skywalker and his father when he said I can sense the good in you. I really think she wants to change and there is good in her. It's just she came from a toxic environment and this is learned behaviour.


I just wanted to add some of you may think I'm hanging on because I am afraid to be alone. That could not be further from the truth. You see, I am a very solitary person. Sadly it is a necessary evil of my career because I spend well over 200 days a year travelling and living in hotels by myself. At one point, when I didn't think I was taking her with me, I was really looking forward to being on my own. Just me and my rats. Doing whatever we wanted to do. But, like I said, I love her too much to give up.


I probably sound a little like a loser in still putting up with her. Actually I am a very emotionally adjusted person. I retired from the Air Force ten years ago and have since then have had a very successful second career. Truth be told, I don't really need her to work. I make enough to support the both of us. At the risk of sounding arrogant I've been told by other women I am very attractive so finding someone else would probably not be a problem.

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If some A1C came up to you 15 years ago, confiding in you about bringing his unhealthy girlfriend along for a PCS, that surely everything would be fine because, hey, he got a notarized statement promising she'd leave if things went belly up, would you honestly tell him that sounded like a grand idea?

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