Love him or leave him?

[12redroses]

I'm a 30 year old woman going out with a 30 year old man. We first got together 3 years ago in not so great circumstances. We were very good friends and realized we felt more than friendship for each other. He left a long term relationship to be with me and it quickly became very messy as our social circle took sides, he was crippled with guilt, I felt I was being cast in the very much unwanted role of the 'other woman' and despite us both being head over heels with each other it fell apart. We remained very much in each others lives but it was very tough on both of us for various reasons and we ended up hurting each other by flip flopping between being together and not (he wasn't happy to be open about being together because of guilt/public disapproval and I didn't want to be his dirty secret). We both attempted to move on and were with other people only to tell each other it felt wrong because we still loved each other. After about a year and a half I moved away and we eventually cut contact. I missed him but I was relieved to be out of the drama.

 

Almost a year ago we bumped into each other randomly (we lived in different cities by now). He started getting in touch and told me he wanted to make his life with me. I was wary at first but he seemed genuine and we started a long distance relationship. He said he would move to my city since I had become very unpopular with his friends due to all the fall out with his ex. I have always felt it was unfair of them to put all the blame on me and that it was none of their business. I tried to be friendly with them but it wasn't reciprocated so I have very little involvement with his circle of friends, and as a result most of our time together is spent in my town not his. His plans to move here became ever more vague until he stopped saying anything about it and I stopped asking.

 

His interest seemed to slack off after he learned about a fling I'd had while we were out of contact. I reasoned that it was in the past and pointed out I would never ask whether or not he had been with anyone since it was unimportant now that we were together. He kept saying everything was fine, but let me down on a few occasions by dropping plans with me at the last minute etc. I tried to speak to him about this a few times and he appeared to take it in but nothing seemed to change. About 4 weeks ago I brought everything up and told him I did not want to continue as we were and he said he understood. He still sent me messages but I slacked off on keeping in touch with me until one day he got angry at me (over IM) he said some nasty things and then logged off as I was responding.

 

I decided that was the end of it and when he got in touch 10 days later I didn't reply. He messaged me for a few days then called me from an unknown number. He said that he had been upset etc and didn't want to split up. I told him it was over and he said ok. He messaged me a few more times and yesterday sent roses to my workplace, I still didn't reply. Then yesterday evening he called and said he was in my town and would I come to meet him. We talked for two hours. He wants to work things out. I still love him and I'm glad we've finally talked this over but I don't believe this would never happen again. I need to be able to talk through problems not ignore them til they erupt into a huge fight. What should I do?

[pl3asehelp]

Maybe you wouldn't ask him about other relationships because you don't think it's important due to the fact that you're together, however it doesn't look like he sees it that way and I wouldn't either. To me a fling means you don't really take relationships seriously and I wouldn't want to date someone who I thought approached relationships in that way. I'd just go your separate ways.

[iamkaylee]

I hate to say it but it all sounds like normal fallout after an affar and the marriage ends over it "for the other person". This rarely works out no matter how much the two people may think they "love" one another. If you're going to leave one relationship, you do it because it's the right thing to do, without someone else in the picture. Leaving "for" someone else just plain doesn't work and your story is a pretty good example of why without even mantioning all the crazy flipflopping back and forth.

 

I would say tell him to get his crap together and then call you when he's really ready for a full time committed relationship with you. Then cut all contact. If he's serious, he'll step up and do it. If not, he will just keep trying to wheedle his way in and string you along. It's time for you to move on and let this go.

[ParisPaulette]

Well, your first problem is obviously going to be the fact that you both got together under less than stellar circumstances and there were repercussions with those friends who knew his ex and had always thought of them as a couple. When you say he was in a "long term relationship" with someone else at the time I take it he wasn't married, but was perhaps living together or even engaged to his ex. And yes, there is simply no way that you were and are not going to be viewed as an interloper by those who knew him and her as a couple first. It would have been much smarter and better for him to have ended things with his ex then waited a sufficient period of time before starting something new with you. Unfortunately he didn't do that and you didn't either, so what's done is done. It may not have been planned, but if you look at it from his ex's viewpoint there is a betrayal in that her BF and you got together while he still was in a relationship with her. I'm glad that you both were at least honest enough to be open about it and he broke it off with her to be with you, but still damage was done. And expecting anyone who was around at the time be okay or accepting of you is simply unrealistic on both your parts.

 

That said sufficient time has passed and you've both started back up and that shows me that obviously there is something there that may be more long-lasting than a simple fling or affair that burns itself out. However, and this is a big however, how the two of you deal with conflict and problems in a relationship is the bigger issue here now. Putting aside all the drama of how you two got together and given the amount of time that's passed since then I think it's fairly safe to say that what you're seeing now is more honestly what you can expect of a relationship with this man in the future. All relationships, no matter how great, must in time deal with conflicts and disagreements. And that is often what determines whether they will work in the long run or not. Given his history it does seem that perhaps he's a little bit gun shy of staying in a relationship long term with anyone--first leaving his last GF to be with you and now even though you two have no real barriers to being together he still finds reasons why it can't happen-i.e. being upset that you had a brief relationship with someone else while he wasn't in the picture and you two weren't a couple at all, which is silly and hypocritical on his part.

 

To that end I think you're maybe better off to tell him you're cutting contact permanently unless the two of you can resolve the issues of how you handle conflicts as a couple permanently. Then suggest couples counseling and see if he's willing to sit down with a neutral third party where the two of you can hash out your differences. Otherwise I'd suspect that maybe this guy simply hasn't got what it takes to be long-term relationship material given his past behavior with his ex and now current behavior with you.

[12redroses]

Thanks for the replies. Just to clarify, he was not married to his ex, they were not engaged either and they never lived together. We also didn't get physical until after they had broken up. Obviously we should have given the previous relationship time to fade before starting our own relationship, hindsight is a great thing but its hard to be so rational when your in the middle of an emotional storm. Thank you for the feedback.

[Ms Darcy]

You are finally out of that drama. Why go back?

[abitbroken]

Thanks for the replies. Just to clarify, he was not married to his ex, they were not engaged either and they never lived together. We also didn't get physical until after they had broken up. Obviously we should have given the previous relationship time to fade before starting our own relationship, hindsight is a great thing but its hard to be so rational when your in the middle of an emotional storm. Thank you for the feedback.

 

The fact is - he wasn't available when things started with you guys. He was with someone. Even if you were not physical - whatever the two of you did or allowed caused him to leave his girlfriend. He didn't leave her on his own terms and then meet you or decide he liked you, etc. Now, it can be said that is is honorable for him to leave his girlfriend rather than cheating, but the circle of friends don't see it that way.

 

Past is past, but I think that its true that the relationship might not survive without the drama and now that the initial exciting feeling of having to meet clandestinely away from disapproving friends or the thrill of the "grand gesture" of him leaving someone for you - things aren't as thrilling for him. What thrill is there in seeing you in a different town far from the drama, right?

 

I think that you should move on and heal like you already have started and meet a guy when you are ready who is looking for someone special in his life, rather than someone who already has somebody. Just my wo cents.

[nutbrownhare]

I'd leave him where he belongs - in the past, in another town.

 

Even if you did get it together, it would be difficult because of all the history, resentment and not being accepted by his group of friends. He has shown a very clear pattern of promising you the world, then backing off, becoming more and more vague and it eventually becoming clear it isn't going to happen. When you distance yourself from him - by telling him it's over, sticking to your guns and not responding to his messages - that's when he starts to state he's really committed to working things out. The ONLY constant thing here is the emotional distance between you, and you can guarantee that if you warm to him again he will back off - to preserve that distance.

 

Given that you're in different towns, you are having to make an effort to see each other. I honestly don't think it's an effort worth making. You've already started to heal and move on. Continue that process and, in time, find another relationship which isn't overshadowed with pain and guilt right from the start.

[Celadon]

There seems to be an awful lot of drama in your on-and-off relationship, which is not a good sign. And with you living in different cities, it feels very much like the deck is stacked against you guys, sorry to say. You need a way to start all over again, without concern for what other people think or how you and he feel about what they think. Otherwise, it's just too complicated of a situation.