TRUST-- Did he really stop seeing her?

[GH27]

This has become one of the scariest words in the English language for me. Let me preface my dilemma by first saying I recognize my trust issues outside of my current relationship and am in therapy and also try to do as much soul work as possible on this. This stems from years of daddy issues, crappy relationships, etc. Now, onto my problem….

 

I dated a guy for about 6 months. He was fresh out of having his dad pass away and his gf cheating on him. He didn’t want a gf but I pressured him into it anyway—horrible. So, needless to say, things didn’t work out. After a month break, we have slowly started to ease back in. During the time apart I read a lot of Michael Fiore posts to get more insight into how men think. I don’t want to dance this needy dance any longer. So, things were going GREAT. I had no anxiety over titles, I just enjoyed the present moment. Then, after about 2 boxes total of unaccounted for condoms, I realized my guy had been with someone else in that short month. He did admit he started seeing a girl he saw briefly before we started dating in the first place. 3 weeks into us seeing each other again, we agreed to be exclusive. He swore that even prior to, he had stopped sleeping with her. Now, I cannot tell if my fear or intuition believes otherwise. I am so confused that I just don’t know what to believe or where to turn. The reality is, he was single and allowed to do whatever he wanted. I so badly wish I could just start fresh, but something is holding me back. I think, if he could have that much sex in a month, is she so easily accessible that he’ll see her whenever he is bored of me? He promises they are not compatible, and he won’t be seeing her.

 

Also, I want to make it very clear that our time together is better than it has ever been. He is so attentive, I am a PRIORITY. He compliments me just the right amount, he seems so comfortable and happy with me. I catch him looking at me and smiling. Every one of my friends notice this too and say I am known for overreacting and pushing guys away.......Yet, after all of this wonderful progress, all I can do is wonder if they are together when I am not around. Also, he shuts down when it comes to sharing his feelings and having talks, its one of the main reasons we broke up. As it is, I’ve already brought up the condoms a few times, and some in a joking way…. I’m scared I will ruin this again if I don’t find resolution, but I am not even sure what it is I’m looking for. Is there a non-intrusive way to tell him: 1. That I don’t understand how he could go off and have all this sex with a another girl in such a short amount if time. 2. Ask if she has messaged/ called him since their last correspondence which was him telling her that he was spending time with me again and her saying “so should I just leave you alone?” 3. Ask when they were together last. 4. Tell him that when we are not together I’m scared he’s with her. OR do I just wait it out, live in the present, and see if anything else iffy happens? When I first found out about this I asked the last time he saw her and he said 2 weeks, then it changed to before we started hanging out again, so that scares the crap out of me....... The bottom line is we were not exclusive then and are now. He swears he is with me and only me.......Please help.

[Roxie84]

I wouldn't feel bad or beat yourself up - he took you back which shows that you did something right. However, a lot has happened in his life, and while this isn't an excuse, he is going through some life changes. If he allowed himself to be "pressured" into a relationship, this probably happened because he had a moment of weakness. To top it off, he jumped from one relationship to another.

 

However, I do not like this behaviour. I think it would be best for you to take things slow and not allow your feelings to get too intense just yet - the relationship is fresh and already has some problems. Likely, he was only sleeping with this other wom(e)an because he wanted to "enjoy" his last bit of freedom before "settling" into a relationship again.

 

Don't question, don't be paranoid, just protect yourself and your feelings first. If you like this guy enough to stay with him after all of this, then it is reasonable to assume you've already invested a lot in him emotionally. Do youself a favour and stand back, stand tall, and enjoy your time with him without allowing yourself to get walked on.

[GH27]

Thank you Roxie.... What I want for myself more than anything is to just be in the present. I want to enjoy this time and stop pushing him away. The bottom line is that if someone is going to hurt you, they'll do it whether you ask them not to or not. I do like him-- alot. I want us to have a chance. I want to really take this as a brand new relationship, because essentially that's what it is. I want to go slow, be less paranoid and less anxious......

 

Yet even as I type it, the thought "but is he still seeing her????" is blaring through my mind. I just know asking would be a huge mistake. Looking forward to some therapy!

[Roxie84]

lol well I don't blame you, I would be thinking the same thing. It's one thing to look past something and take a person's words at face value, but you also don't want to end up in a spot where you are just making excuses for him either. If you find in the near future that his actions are "off", such as not answering the phone and only texting, breaking plans often, dancing around things, and so on, then it would be reasonable to assume he might still be seeing her.

 

If he doesn't give you any reasons to think he is being unfaithful, then it would be best to move forward and continue to enjoy his company.

 

All in all, you're not married to him, and your happiness comes first. If you find that early in he relationship you are unable to build trust with him and feel paranoid about his actions, you are free to put your happiness first and walk right out the door