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URGENT: text from my ex, what do i do?


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I don't know, HH. People say play it cool and don't bring up the relationship/reconciliation, but I don't know in your case. You've been broken up well over a year at this point, right? You are still struggling so much with things that I think him wanting anything less than getting back together would totally crush you and bring you back to square one, which seemed to be such a very low place for you. For your sake, I almost think asking for a sense of what he is looking to accomplish by meeting up would be good for you. If he still means all of the heartwrenching things he said to you and just wants to be friends/cool, I don't think it's worth it.

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So here's my update.


After not receiving anything in return for the rest of the day, he texted me when he got done the gym later on that night. He started with casual conversation and i went along with it. Eventually he brought up something like "would it be bad for us to spend the night together?" and i said "yes, that would be a really bad idea, i'm not doing that. and if you're coming back to just be friends or because you're horny, then i don't want to talk at all anymore." After i said that, he called and apologized for saying that. He admitted that he missed me, not just in that way, but in many ways. We had a somewhat normal conversation, it was still a little awkward, but it was so/so.


He asked if we could meet up today, so we met up at a coffee/tea place and it went well. We were flirty and joked around and at one point when we were walking he put his hand on my back, kind of being touchy. During this time, i did feel different about things. Usually when this happened before, i was so starry eyed and the feelings came rushing back but they didn't this time around. They were there a little bit, but not amplified like before and i was proud of myself for this. I didn't feel as desperate for the relationship as before. Once we wound things down, he dropped me off and i decided to bring up what he wanted. I asked him what his intentions were, if he wanted to start over or if he was just doing this to be friends. I told him i didn't want to go through what i did before and end up hurt again. He got a little uncomfortable, because he always became overwhelmed when we would talk about relationship stuff. I think that's what drove him away before. I was very persistent about starting a new relationship again and we would argue about it everyday. He told me that he doesn't want to rush things and that he missed me a lot. He said that he wants to see things get better and stay better and know they're going to be different before we make any decisions. He said that he didn't want to hurt me and that it isn't like the last time he came back- he admitted to feeling rushed before and forced to make a decision. He said he wants us to start over on a fresh page, as if it were day one, and spend time together and see what happens. He also doesn't want to go blasting things on facebook or want us talking about it to our friends/ family because he doesn't want other people to feed things into our heads.


Later that night, he asked to facetime and we did and just had a simple conversation. We have been talking maybe once or twice throughout the day. We don't overwhelm eachother, which is something he said he wanted to make sure of. He didn't want us to become overwhelmed with eachother, he wanted us to keep our sense of independence, which to me i can understand because it's not healthy to be constantly about eachother and sometimes i could be a typical girl. The good thing is, even though we don't talk all day, it doesn't really bother me. I'm not obsessing about why he isn't texting (he's not much of a texter anyway), i generally just give him space. I rarely text him first unless i'm just being nice and saying something like "have a nice day at work". He texted me this morning while in class, then called when he was done...then we didn't talk all day until i just texted him to have a good day at work and he said thanks, then that was it. I don't know if it's good or not.


I guess i'm still kind of confused. And yes, i'm still a little scared. There's not telling which way it could go. Of course i'm hoping for the best but it doesn't mean it will happen and i still feel really scared that he's going to turn around and hurt me again. It would have been nice if he came back and KNEW he wanted to be with me again and would be pulling all stops to prove to me he's different/wanting this/etc so that i could feel safe, and because i genuinely want to feel like he wants this,...but i know the bad parts of our relationship really took a toll on him and he doesn't want to relive that and see things go down the same road again, so i think he's just as cautious too. It's just scary because i want things to go int he right direction, i want him to fall crazy in love with me again, i just can't see the future and for that i'm nervous. It's also sad to know that, no matter what, we'll never be brand new- we have a past to move on from, and that love will never be completely new. It may become fresh, but never new. I just wish he were doing things to really prove that he wants this, but i know he's unsure and cautious because of our past, i don't know if i should expect him to be going out of his way to be doing things for me romantically, or just go with the flow.


What do you all think?

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Hi Hopeless- don't know your full situation but I think it sounds good, but you should not bring up getting back together. It's clearly an option and something he is toying with, but I think the minute you bring it up you start adding pressure to the situation and that can affect it. Let things develop naturally, play it a little cool and attract him. Just see how it goes and don't lay your cards on the table.


I'm the dumpee- 4.5 year relationship, " i dont love you anymore"....pretty distraught and not sure what my chances are, but I initiated contact after a few months and said i wanted to see him before he goes travelling. there is no point bringing up the relationship for me as its too soon for him to change his mind, so i think just hanging out and getting on is the best....then if THEY change their mind great....if not you haven put yourself out there and got shot down

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I wish I knew the answers to your questions OP. It's scary territory putting your heart on the line again for someone you really love.... when you're not sure if you can totally trust them/their intentions. Just be careful. His words sound good - but make sure he backs things up with actions. If he starts getting flaky or isn't showing action - be ready to protect yourself by walking away.

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Here is what I heard in your update:


I am here because I miss you. I am not here because I have a burning desire to be your bf again or because I feel like I am in love with you.


I do not want you to take this to mean I am commiting to you. I do not want the end result of this conversation to be you thinking I am your bf again. In fact, just to ensure that, I want to make sure we are really discreet about this. Don't tell anyone - friends, family, facebook - about this.


But I miss you strongly. So I want to start seeing you again. I want it to be just like when you start dating anyone. If I find that you start getting on my nerves or any feelings of desire that I have go away, I want to be able to leave you again with a clear conscience.


If we date and my feelings change and I decide to commit, then I'll consider commiting. But I do not want you to a) pressure me into commiting or b) expect that I will commit. Your guess is as good as mine as to how I am going to feel. It's like a roll of the dice right now.


And just like a new "dating experience," I don't want us to see each other too much or communicate too much. I want you to have no expectations of me and be happy when you hear from me. Give me space.


In summary, I miss you but I don't feel strongly enough to work on our prior issues/build towards a relationship. I just want to spend some time with you sometimes and see how I feel. I know you would take me back in a heartbeat so accept these terms and we may be able to date again at some point in the future ... perhaps.


.............. That's my interpretation of what he said. Would you be crushed if you two dated for 3 months and then he decided it was time to fully move on?

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