rebellefleur Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 This is the exact text: "Hey K, i hope things are going well. I know we haven't talked in some time but i still think of you and wonder how you're doing. Anyway, the last time we talked was about just having a friendly meet and maybe grabbing some coffee. I guess as harmless as it seemed, i was scared to. But if you are up for it, maybe we can do that sometime. I don't want to complicate things i just would like it if we could possibly do that sooner or later depending on how you feel about it. Let me know." I don't know what to think/how to react. Obviously it isn't a blatant, HEY let's get back together, love you xoxo...but i don't know. At the same time it isn't just a one liner. What do you guys think? How would you react? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MasterPo Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 When they show up in person, bearing gifts and humility, then sure - have a conversation. Otherwise texting is being safe and you shouldn't be someone that settles for that. Delete it and leave the emo bandage on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 If you want him back then take a chance and meet him. No guarantees and so low expectations, of course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nattpanter Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 Im sick and tired of exes wanting to grab a coffee! Sweet lord... you either meet to talk about reconciliation or you move on. Mine tried this with me, I confronted her (nicely) about how I feel and that I don`t really understand what "a coffee" means. I put out some questions for her, and she said she would take her time to respond to me. Well, this was in April and the ***** has as usual not taken her time to answer me. Whenever I write something more with substance than "Hey, I hope your doing great" and "we can have a coffee if you like" she dissappear. For me, it`s bull****. You have broken up, make that the reality for your ex and tell him/her you won`t do it until the day he/she is ready to talk about getting back together. I find it very usefull to perceive breakups as black and white situations. It`s the gray-zones that keeps people in the same spot forever...and never able to move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markie6 Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 voice trumps texting....every time , face to face is best .. never get managed by email or text. He seems willing to meet , worried about things getting complicated and it's dependent on how you feel about it all. Have you been asking him non stop to meet up ? and now he is agreeing to it ? but by all means go for the meet , if it's going to help you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebellefleur Posted September 25, 2012 Author Share Posted September 25, 2012 If you want him back then take a chance and meet him. No guarantees and so low expectations, of course. Low expectations, agreed. It'll be hard though, but i'd have to play pretend. voice trumps texting....every time , face to face is best .. never get managed by email or text. He seems willing to meet , worried about things getting complicated and it's dependent on how you feel about it all. Have you been asking him non stop to meet up ? and now he is agreeing to it ? but by all means go for the meet , if it's going to help you. No i haven't bugged at all honestly. I was NC for a month, broke NC to ask to meet up and he said he wasn't ready- i said a few more things then went straight back to NC and have been up until this point. The only thing that makes me wonder, is i know how wonderful it must be to have the ex come bursting through your door telling you how sorry they are, how they want to make things right...but for some of the reconciliation stories i've read, they've had to start up as friends. I haven't made a decision yet, still haven't replied hours later- if i do decide to go, should i be upfront and tell him that if his intentions are only to be just friends then i'd rather not, or just go into the situation not mentioning anything at all about relationships? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markie6 Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 How long as this been going on ? By and large I think you are right, my default position with a dumper , is you either want me back...or off you go. No middle ground , as that is like quicksand. Freinds after a relationship is rarer than rocking horse pooh , aquanitances onto friends sometimes. It is extremely hard to be good friends with anybody where emotions are concerned. Reconcilliations are rare enough anyway without thinking you can forget all that happened and start again from position a , when all your memories stretch to position z. Everybody who is in a potential proper long lasting reoncilliation will telll you, they are hard work, so try and not get your hopes up too much, far better to have low expectations and come out happy , than the other way round Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nbr Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 The only thing that makes me wonder, is i know how wonderful it must be to have the ex come bursting through your door telling you how sorry they are, how they want to make things right...but for some of the reconciliation stories i've read, they've had to start up as friends. As my sig says, I'm not even in reconciliation with my wife yet, though we still live together the marriage is dead and we are simply room mates, co-parents, and exceptionally close friends (I suppose with benefits, but that's barely true, for her it's strictly mechanical and satisfying urges with someone who won't give her STDs, for me it's "at least she's not banging someone else"). Yeah, you have to restart the RS as friends, you can't hide from or bury the past, and it's much better to work on that past as friends when the pressure of the RS is not there too. -nbr Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrenchFries Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 You have been in a very fragile state of mind. Proceed with extreme caution. If you decide to go, do so with little expectation, it's just coffee. I'd hate to see it set you back, when you were just saying you were doing better! The invitation seems to be open to now or later, so there is no need to rush into meeting him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebellefleur Posted September 25, 2012 Author Share Posted September 25, 2012 Good point nbr, good luck to you with everything! You have been in a very fragile state of mind. Proceed with extreme caution. If you decide to go, do so with little expectation, it's just coffee. I'd hate to see it set you back, when you were just saying you were doing better! The invitation seems to be open to now or later, so there is no need to rush into meeting him. I agree. I know i'm not fully healed or even halfway there. Maybe halfway-ish, but i would hate to see myself take leaps backwards. It's different feeling this time though, a little. Before when he did this...after a week of NC, i was so willing to see him, i was so anxious/ excited to see him again. This time, i was just shocked. What made him think of me? The text came in at 7am...i think he's taking classes so he must have been up early and thought of me- why? I broke NC about two weeks ago, so he knew i was still kind of around and interested, but lately after breaking NC i felt more relieved, i was finally accepting things as much as i didn't want to. This time when he said he wanted to meet up i didn't want to jump to reply to it before, i didn't feel excited to see him, i kind of just questioned it. I even thought, do i really want him again? I've been hoping and wishing for so long, even still, but then when the reality of it hits and he's kind of in front of me...i don't know if i'm really going to want to put myself through this again. I don't want him to come back and not think he doesn't have to fix anything, i want him to prove to me that things will be different. I played my part in pointing out my mistakes, working on them and being willing to work on them, fighting for us, etc.- it's his turn. I don't want to just settle and go back to taking the blame like he always made me do. I didn't get the message until about 1pm. I thought about it for an hour and finally responded with "maybe sometime soon." I didn't want to NOT reply because i do want to keep the option for reconciliation there, only if he's willing to step up and play his part (and it's only assumption right now- he could just genuinely want a friendship. I'm not interested in a friendship yet. A friendship to work on things, yes, just strictly a friendship with no possibility to lead anywhere? no...i need to heal more for that.) Since my response, i haven't heard anything from him which kind of annoys me. I feel like if he was anxious to see me, he would have responded right away or tried to make plans already but then again maybe his ego is hurt since i took forever to respond and my answer was so brief compared to his text, but still. I don't know what to think with the lack of response. I'm not going to contact him anymore. Any contact will come strictly from him before i answer. I'm not going to be the same girl who would ask "how high" everytime he said jump. I've gained some self respect back and i plan to keep it that way. I don't want to keep playing games of who's stronger/who has the upper hand. I either want us to see if we're genuinely compatible and can work again or just move on. I don't want to load all of that onto him yet because i know if i start relationship talk, it's going to make ME look weak and send him running. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 I would tell them ex's are better left in the past and we should stay out of contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 I think if you can handle it and also handle the fact that nothing may come of it, then go for it. I assume you want him back. He may be open to this, he may not, but that is the chance you take. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebellefleur Posted September 25, 2012 Author Share Posted September 25, 2012 I'm just so confused. He hasn't responded to me since i answered him this afternoon with "yeah, maybe sometime soon." I don't know what that could mean. Also, i don't know if i should find out his intentions first and let him know i can't be just friends. I'd be okay with being friends to see if we can work again as a couple, if we've recognized our differences and fit, etc. but i can't be "just friends" just to be pals and ruin my healing all over again. In the original text he sent, he didn't say anything about getting back together, but i feel like a lot of exes won't just come out and blatantly say it. I don't know what to do from here. I don't know if i should ask him- but know in his mindset, if i bring up anything relationship centered, he'll run. He'll think i haven't changed or i'm still needy etc. What should i do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TriColors Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 I am confused, didn't you break nc last week and he told u he didn't want to get back with you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrowingUp85 Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 I don't know what to do from here. I don't know if i should ask him- but know in his mindset, if i bring up anything relationship centered, he'll run. He'll think i haven't changed or i'm still needy etc. What should i do? I feel like you have to ask him. If there's one thing I learned from my past relationship, it's the need for communication. Communication works best when you express your feelings and ask your partner for theirs. If he runs because you bring up something relationship centered, well then he's not ready for a relationship, and is merely keeping you as a backup. It's not you being needy, it's you trying to understand him. If he doesn't appreciate that, it's his loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebellefleur Posted September 26, 2012 Author Share Posted September 26, 2012 I feel like you have to ask him. If there's one thing I learned from my past relationship, it's the need for communication. Communication works best when you express your feelings and ask your partner for theirs. If he runs because you bring up something relationship centered, well then he's not ready for a relationship, and is merely keeping you as a backup. It's not you being needy, it's you trying to understand him. If he doesn't appreciate that, it's his loss. Very true, thank you, i have always felt communication was big in a relationship and communicating with him was the hardest thing to do. Seeing as the last time i said something was at 2pm and it is now 10pm, i'm going to wait to bring it up but possibly if he texts me again, i may need to mention it. I just don't know, it's so confusing. I am confused, didn't you break nc last week and he told u he didn't want to get back with you? When i contacted him, i never asked to get back together. I asked him if we could talk and that i missed him, he said that he wasn't ready to talk. I went back to NC that day, didn't talk to him, and then i woke up to that text that he sent this morning. So no, he didn't say he didn't want to get back together because that idea wasn't brought up. But getting that text is still confusing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrenchFries Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 If he runs because you bring up anything relationship related, I think you'll have your answer. You seem upset by his lack of a response. If he contacts you again I do think you should ask him what it's all about. If he says just to catch up or something along those lines, I'd politely decline. The fact that he said he doesn't want to complicate things makes me wonder if he's thinking he's taking a big risk by seeing you, because he knows you want to be in a relationship and he does not. Of course, that's purely speculation. Only he knows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebellefleur Posted September 26, 2012 Author Share Posted September 26, 2012 If he runs because you bring up anything relationship related, I think you'll have your answer. You seem upset by his lack of a response. If he contacts you again I do think you should ask him what it's all about. If he says just to catch up or something along those lines, I'd politely decline. The fact that he said he doesn't want to complicate things makes me wonder if he's thinking he's taking a big risk by seeing you, because he knows you want to be in a relationship and he does not. Of course, that's purely speculation. Only he knows. I too thought the same thing, especially with that particular point, the whole "not wanting to complicate things". I don't get it. He's just the kind of person who gets very, VERY easily stressed out and overwhelmed. He has a lot of anxiety issues/ depression/ bipolar tendencies. So for him, the stress of a relationship was always a lot for him. The simplest fights to him were the biggest deals and communication was very hard. So knowing how he is, i don't know if he's saying that because he wants to see if things could be better, less stressful, and overall happier...or if he just wants to purely be friends and that's it. I just don't know why he'd want to be friends. He has tons of friends, he doesn't really need me. There's nothing in our lives that we'd need each other's friendship for. It's all very confusing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrenchFries Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 Well you responded to his text. Now the ball is in his court. I don't think you should make contact again. Let him come to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gtnovru Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 Do not text him again until he responds! Please. Do not get pulled into this, do not give him anything more until you hear from him. Him not replying after 8+ hours is rude and toying with your emotions, intentionally or not. Go back to being strong, ignore it all for now. And keep us posted : ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebellefleur Posted September 26, 2012 Author Share Posted September 26, 2012 Do not text him again until he responds! Please. Do not get pulled into this, do not give him anything more until you hear from him. Him not replying after 8+ hours is rude and toying with your emotions, intentionally or not. Go back to being strong, ignore it all for now. And keep us posted : ) Thank you! I don't plan to make any further contact. I don't know, i kind of felt like it was rude no to respond. Like if he really wanted to see me, wouldn't he keep it going? I don't know. I showed one of my close guy friend the text and he told me that i didn't really keep it open for conversation, that if i wanted to see him i should have just said that. But i feel my response left it open for him to make the move if he wanted to. I said "yeah, maybe sometime soon." I didn't shut him down (i don't think) and i didn't look overly excited/needy (again, i don't think lol)- but i don't know if i should take his lack of response after that or rude or just that my response didn't really need a reply? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strawberrybonb Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 We can never know what is happening in someone else's mind, but I think if I were in your ex's shoes, this is what I'd be thinking: I (your ex) am ready to meet up finally, but now it sounds like you're not ready. So I will wait until you are ready. Ball's still in your court. Just wanted to throw that out there. It may not be that he's intentionally trying to be rude or anything, but rather that he is waiting for you to become comfortable with the idea of grabbing coffee and then to let him know when the time is right. (Unfortunately, only he knows what he's thinking.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebellefleur Posted September 26, 2012 Author Share Posted September 26, 2012 We can never know what is happening in someone else's mind, but I think if I were in your ex's shoes, this is what I'd be thinking: I (your ex) am ready to meet up finally, but now it sounds like you're not ready. So I will wait until you are ready. Ball's still in your court. Just wanted to throw that out there. It may not be that he's intentionally trying to be rude or anything, but rather that he is waiting for you to become comfortable with the idea of grabbing coffee and then to let him know when the time is right. (Unfortunately, only he knows what he's thinking.) I was the one who first initiated meeting up two weeks ago, he knows that i want to. I just want to see more effort out of him. I put so much energy into everything. I think if he wanted to truly meet he could have added to the convo with something like "Okay, great, just let me know when you're ready/free" something along those lines. I just keep thinking, if i wanted to really meet up with someone, i'd try to make it happen. I'd at least get in touch with them again. Another issue that confuses me is this. He still has me blocked from calling. If you want to meet with someone, why wouldn't you at least have the decency to unblock the person? Isn't that a bit odd? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gtnovru Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 Yes, him not responding isn't cool... Your response didn't necessarily ask for a reply... but the nice, friendly thing on his part would've been to say something BACK. That's how it works, especially if he's wanting to make things right in some way... Let this go for now. And thanks for sharing! Shows it's possible an ex might call again one day - I'm glad you got the chance to hear from him, even if his intentions aren't sincere or trustworthy... it's still nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strawberrybonb Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 Another issue that confuses me is this. He still has me blocked from calling. If you want to meet with someone, why wouldn't you at least have the decency to unblock the person? Isn't that a bit odd? Yeah, that does sound pretty strange... I hope I didn't send you into a spiral of overanalyzing. I think you're right. Time to take step back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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