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3yr Relationship breakdown


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Hi all


I'm new to the forum. My name is Tim and I'm 33. I'm here due to the breakup (as most people are I guess) and have been lurking on these pages since it all unfolded trying to find some sense, hope and reason in my particular situation. I've really been struggling to come to terms with my feelings in the aftermath. I'm at the stage where people close to me have said all they can on the subject (bless them) and it's old news, but to me everything is so fresh.


8 weeks or so ago, my almost 3yr relationship with my girlfriend imploded after a small 'argument' grew into a tornado.


Let me give some background on our history. She is 7 years my junior and we met in work through a mutual colleague of the time.


We came together and clicked pretty well off the bat. At the time I had been single for 5 years and welcomed a beautiful young lady into my life. We shared a lot of similar interests and spent the next couple of years enjoying each other's company. We loved to canoe, walk and go to the cinema together especially. I really loved her company and got on with her family well.


bit of background info - We broke up for 3 months in a similar situation just before Christmas last year, small disagreement that snowballed on the telephone. We maintained contact after the negative feelings subsided and we got back together last March with the mutual understanding of taking things slow...


...So we took things slowly, going out on dates and daytrips accross the country to various places. I thought things were building well. I was visiting her at home regularly and eating sunday lunch with her mother and gran (they all live together) weekly. We hadn't had intimate contact during this period even though we were kissing holding hands etc. I just thought, take it slow in agreement wish her personal wishes.


Anyway, fast forward to 8 weeks ago where I had a camping trip planned with a couple of friends to test out my new hammock. She knew I was going camping a week in advance when I asked her if she was cool with it and she said yes. I double checked to make sure she was cool and again she said fine. Bearing in mind she had a week to herself to watch wimbledon and I didn't bat an eyelid for her wanting to stay in to watch the game.


So she was happy for me to take off for the night camping...or so I thought. I was supposed to see her the following day to go watch the new batman film, which I was really looking forward to. When I got home from the woods the next day she text me to ask how camping went, I said great and what time shall I pick you up to go to the cinema. At this point she sort of went cold and said she was feeling tired from painting the house and wanted to just chill instead. I said no problem i've got a few things to sort out etc etc. Anyway, later that day I had a semi angry text from her saying she thinks i'm more of a couple with my mates than I am with her. Which is just rediculous as I really wanted to see her that day instead of attending to other things.


So the argument went from there on text, back and forth and resulted in us speaking on the phone the following day. I could sense there was going to be an argument as I felt that the things she was upset with me for were petty and I knew I was going to react and bite. From there we basically ended up having a full on breakup over the phone conversation. I said a few things in anger that I deeply regret. I think we basically just told each other to get lost, it was dump or be dumped at this point. She hasn't got any friends aside from her immediate family and I feel terrible that I said to her 'go find some friends'. I am not a horrible person or abusive, and I feel utterly distraught that I let myself react in anger and say these things to her. I sometimes feel she's get's funny with me for having a small social life, I play in a band and small things like that. I think she thinks that because I do other things that they are more important to me than her which is just so wrong. She was my world.


Right away, regret seeped in over what had happened.I regretted the things I had said and the way I behaved during the argument. It felt as if all my buttons had been pushed and I just let loose. The tongue is quicker than the brain in these situations and boy am I paying for it now. She also said a few nasty things to me and I think this is why I reacted so stupidly. I mean this is a girl I love dearly and would be happy to spend the rest of my life with and I hate myself for behaving this way.


Anyway, I left it a few days and text her saying I dont think we should break up and apologised for my actions and part of the argument. She didn't reply. I left it another week and text her saying I hope she is well and doing ok. No reply. Came to bank holiday weekend and I text her saying look it's been a few weeks, lets go for a drive and a chat, nothing heavy. She replied straight away this time saying NO PLEASE STOP. I totally felt like some kind of stalker at this point. I was so upset. Anyway, a few weeks past and a female friend of mine advised me to send her a bunch of flowers and a card. I didn't think it was the best idea, but in the end I did just that. Bought her a lovely card and a bouquet of flowers and sent them to her home. The card wasn't a begging letter, just saying I am really sorry and how much I regret what happened and that I hope she accepts the flowers by way of apology.


That night she text me saying that she had the flowers and that they were pretty but to leave her alone and basically move on and leave her be, she told me she was over us. Of course I was utterly distraught at this, but didn't disrespect her wishes. I just went quiet at this point and have tried to move on with my life.


Last week, I saw the rota in work and I was staffed to go into the post office (where she works) everyday to collect the mail (I am a postman). So this would of been the first time seeing each other in 7 weeks. On the monday I walked in and we flicked our eyes at each other and looked away. I just got on with my job and got out of there. On the Tuesday, I gave her a little friendly smile and put my thumb up to her as a sort of make the peace gesture. She looked straight through me and totally didnt reciprocate. It felt like a dagger in my chest at this point but I didn't show it. I just held my head up and walked out of there. Wednesday, I walked in thinking she hates me etc and she came over and asked how I was, I said good how are you, she said good, I said i'm glad you're well and left. I was so happy that she spoke to me I was bouncing. I went in the next day and the same again, bit of light chit chat and I left. I think we were both a bit nervous around each other, she dropped the pen she was signing my collection sheet with and I sort of made a light joke of it. Anyway I was so happy that she spoke to me a couple of times, it got my hopes up. But since then I still haven't heard from her. I guess she felt bad about totally blanking me and which is why she interacted with me the following couple of days. I was hoping it was because she had calmed down a bit that it might be a good signal. But I can feel the depression slipping back in now that I haven't heard from her.


I just wish there was something I could say or do. After almost 9 weeks, my feelings havn't changed. I don't resent her and I have forgiven her. I feel that sometimes there is no forgiveness in her, and that all of this is because she didn't really love me enough to get through it. She tends to fall out with people and hold grudges for a long time. I just wish I would get through that I love her more than anything. I would've taken a bullet for her. Don't get me wrong, i'm not 100% innocent, we all rub each other up the wrong way sometimes and I'm sure i've wound her up sometimes. Never stopped me loving her though.


So i've cut all contact, i'm guessing she knows how I feel, but I can say no more. She knows im sorry for my part in all of this. The ball is in her court now and it all depends if she realises that she does in fact love me and yes it was a stupid childish argument that shouldn't of ballooned.


Realistically, have I got any hope. It's been two months now, with 3 weeks total no contact.


I just miss her so much. I love you. More than you'll ever know. I love your zombie fixation and the way you prefix your dogs name with you, the good the bad. You brought light into my life.


Tim x

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I have some advice for you, namely let her rot in hell and let her have some nasty disease on top of it. Well of course i don t mean that literary , but you get the gist.


I know you love her with all your heart, but that doesn t mean you should let your kindness be abused. Loving someone isn t an excuse for letting that person walk over you back and forward.


SHE s WRONG!!!, if she didnt want you to go she should have said it, you arent the one who should apologize , you didnt do anything wrong (including what you said on the phone).


She s obviously jealous that you went with your friends, and its obvious that she is selfish to the point where she doesnt want to (share) you with anyone. She wants all the attention for herself without considering and realizing that you also have a life beyond the relationship.


You dont want to have such a possesive and selfish woman in your life, you ll only become her prisoner if you stay with her. She needs to realize that she s not the only one, and that there are significant people besides her that are important to you in your life.


Its her own fault for ruining the relationship, don t contact her anymore no matter what happens , let her chase you instead, and give her time to come to the realization what she has done wrong to you and your loved ones.

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Well, I am so sorry for your loss. I think she let you go. I think that the reasons may be more for the argument and what was said rather than you going camping. I think a reasonable mature woman would have let you go and have fun (it was just for one night, right?) , but obviously there was something in her mind not allowing her to do that.


I know you love her. But if she can so easily let you go, from one really bad argument, then maybe she doesn't love you back as much. I am so sorry


ON the bright side of things, you DO have friends, and a band. A broken-hearted musician writes much better music than one where everything is going smoothly. That's where the blues come from, you know? So take a little from what you learned, and although it's tough, move on. There's nothing else you can do. She closed the chapter.

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Thanks for the reply guys. Means a lot to get someone elses view point on things.


You see, me and this girl have always got on like a house on fire apart from these instances. I still love her very much and just wish for her to realise her part in all of this. I do feel totally rejected over it all, as if the blame has been squarely left on my shoulders.

My heart skipped several beats when I had to see her in work last week, and her talking to me (eventually) really made me happy as it gave me hope. But the fact I havnt heard from her since turned my happiness and relieft into sadness and confusion.


What emotions do women go through during these situations? She must of done some thinking herself since the split. Im sure she loved me but maybe just not enough. I cant grasp the fact that shes so stubborn and unrelenting. Of course she doesnt know the knockon effect this has had on me. I've lost so much weight and my motivation levels are non existant. Im walking around daily like a zombie and I feel totally confused and lonely.


She used to have a social outlet a few years back which revolved around her exbf and mutual friends, but when they split the friends went his way. I think if she had a bunch of friends none of this would've happened. As she lives with just her mother and gran there's always just the female point of view which probably hasn't helped her.


Yes i play in a band but i really feel unmotivated to do all my normal pastimes because of all this. Dont get me wrong im getting on with things slowly but i just dont feel 100%. I miss her so much.


I will not chase her anymore as i am exhausted. I just hope she comes to realise a few things. It wouldve been our 3yr anniversary in 3 weeks

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I have a feeling the relationship really ended after that first break up and everything else was just dragging it along to the end. I am sorry that you have to end this chapter in your life. But I would say that in truth this is not about one argument. It had likely been long-term resentment building up in her for a long time.

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Yes there's possibly an element of truth in that. However the weeks prior to all of this we'd had a few lovely dates, feeding the ducks and swans at a local lake, hiking to waterfalls, trips to a sea life centre etc. Everything was going well enough during this time.


I think it is more to do with the argument itself, i'm sure I upset her pretty majorly. I didn't think her anger would subside, but her approaching me in work last week must of been her way of saying there's no hangups.


Should i of texted her to say its good that we were civil to each other for that week or was I right to of left it.


I feel terrible. I love her so much and of course just want to reconcile with her. I guess I just have to stick it out and see what the future holds.


I hope in time she at least realises we did have a special connection.

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I have thought about putting everything in a letter to her, but I don't know if it's the best course of action. I don't want to push her away further than she's already been I guess.


I hope in time she will come to miss us and get in touch with me. It's been 9BU 3NC weeks which doesn't bode well in reality. But as they say, time is a healer so I'll silently keep my fingers, toes and eyes crossed whilst also trying to move forward in my life from all of this,


It would of been our third anniversary in 3 weeks and I know that's going to be a tough date for me to get through without slipping back into the emotional abyss, nothing a few pints cant cure though ;-)


Hope is dwindling..but my love for her isn't


que sera sera




Tim x

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Struggling today. Got the wringing hands in my stomach and feel sad.


I think it's because this week is another new month and the 9th week since we broke up. And knowing that it wont be long until xmas and her birthday. I feel really down about things.



It would be lovely to hear from her, to know she at least thinks of me and doesnt hate me. I wonder how she is and how she feels now 9wks have gone by.

With every passing day of NC I feel myself slipping into the quagmire.

I feel confused, wondering if she thinks i've moved on and have no interest in her. I told her during our last contact when she told me to move on that I have moved on and this is making me question NC. Not that I intend on breaking it anytime soon The last time we spoke was 3.5wks ago and i miss her.

I feel stupid venting on a forum but I have no other outlet for dealing with this.

I must be some way into the healing process but its not getting easier at all. Restless sleep patterns, I am unable to feel like I am enjoying things and have lost my zest. Where before I had a skip in my step and sang aloud in work, I now feel the equivalent of a zombie just shuffling about with no dynamic.

Its hard. I think ive read every self help literature on the internet. Ive fully accepted the breakup and that ill probably will never hear from her again, ouch. Makes me sad to the core.

I feel disappointed that we let a stupid argument get the better of us. She meant the world to me.

Sorry for the semi-rant guys

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