his emotional "affair" how do I deal with the aftermath? :-/

[TalkThatTalk9]

It has been 2 weeks since I found out my ex is with a woman he emotionally cheated on me with for the last year of our relationship (and I believe that feelings were felt between them for long before that but everyone told me I was crazy). I know some people do not look at emotional cheating as cheating but I feel just as deceived by this as I would if he were to have physically cheated on me.

 

I have been doing great. I feel free, I feel happier, I don't think about him hardly at all anymore.

 

I think though, that part of me is in huge denial and burying the feelings deep down inside of me.

 

I had a dream last night I saw him and her, and she was trying to be my friend in the dream and telling me to call her sometime and I just looked at her and said "I never want to speak to you again"

 

in the dream he was trying to make us like each other and be friends (just like in real life... why would he want that if he liked her?!?)

 

it has made me realize that I feel like in real life he tried so hard to make me like her and be her friend and I just had a bad vibe from her. and I ended up being right.

 

how do you even deal with the betrayal you feel in a situation like this? I want to be super mad at him, but I feel more mad at her. I feel like a fool.

 

I refuse to let myself think about it, in fact, I barely think about these two longer than 5 minutes a day. Which is amazing considering before I found out I thought about my ex alllllll day.

 

I am just starting to feel like our relationship was one big lie, because we were together 6 years and by our 3rd year I had suspicions about this woman liking him and he liking her. the past 3 years I have fought with him about what I suspected to be feelings. and he would always compare me to her.

 

(uhhh he would even say things like "well C. makes her casserole this way, and it is good. why can't you make it that way?" stuff like that that I think about now makes me want to rage)

 

it is making me scared to death to even date another person. I have a friend who wants to take me on a date, and I am like panicking and don't even want to bother dating someone because I feel as if in the end I am just going to end up as hurt as I am now by someone who I care for.

 

I'm already stating to friends that if I had a boyfriend again and he had a girl friend, it would be pointless because I can never ever trust a guy with a good girl friend again I was so trusting to this one and look what happened.

 

sorry, I know I am a broken record on this site.

 

I am doing good, it is just this dream has brought back all the emotions I have been ignoring. I have been ignoring the hurt and embracing the anger of this situation, and I think I Maybe need to deal with the hurt a little more. I feel very deceived. I dunno how to do that though.

 

I just know, that I do not want to be that girl that does not trust her man when he is out. I always 100% trusted my ex knowing he wouldn't cheat on me...

 

and he still claims he did not cheat on me, but I see as he did.

[Tranquillo]

When your ex was trying to get you to like her and you got a bad vibe from her, what was it exactly that gave off a bad vibe?

 

Being together for 6 years is a very long time so it's natural that you would dream of him and her, because it is still in your mind, but these dreams do become less and less, eventually they stop.It's annoying when you're trying to forget someone and then dream of them, because it just makes you think of them.

 

It's only been two weeks since the break-up so I think it's a bit too soon to be dating yet, you need a bit longer to gather your thoughts and emotionally distance yourself from the ex. Not everyone will be like him and I can't say that no one else will leave you hurt again but not taking any risks will mean you may be missing out on getting to know a decent person who is right for you. And this guy, he's a friend already so you know what he's like etc.. I think he should for now stay a friend and be there for you and maybe later, when you are more stronger, then date.

 

Ps, in regards to your avi pic.. Expensive mascara's are usually waterproof so it doesnt matter if Adriana lima cries or not, it wouldnt run.

[TalkThatTalk9]

ummm actually we have been broken up for 6 months, I just found out about the cheating/relationship 2 weeks ago.

 

anytime I would hang out around them, she was ALWAYS talking about how great my ex was (he worked with her husband who she left for my ex)

 

anytime my ex would hang out with her and her husband, and the husband would yell at her in front of people, my ex would get real upset and talk about how much of a jerk her husband was. I understood it is upsetting to see that, I though the was a good guy for being upset about it. but it got to be a bit much. he would get more and more upset every incident, and yet he would yell at me in the same way when drunk and he wouldn't see that he was being just as bad to me, but in his eyes, it was only bad to that girl when it happened.

 

she would call my ex to do things around the house if her husband wasn't around. when we would all hang out together, she would always be praising my ex and flirting with him in front of me.

 

my ex was always comparing me to her in a lot of different ways, and I could tell he was always secretly jealous of her husband for having the business he wanted, money, and a woman who would drink all the time and do whatever he wanted which I was not.

 

towards the end of the relationship, I would wake up at 3 am to his phone ringing and it was HER phone calling him not his friend (her husband)

 

It was becoming very clear to me her feelings for my ex, and his feelings for her. It got to the point where I was not invited over to their house anymore, and my ex wouldn't even worry about it he would just go over to their house and hang anyways.

 

and anytime I brought up any of my feeilngs about this, I was "Crazy, jealous, and needed to get over it"

[Tranquillo]

So the main reason for the break-up wasnt emotional cheating?

 

Ok, I think 6 months is enough time but it's still raw on your mind and understandably so because it's just been two weeks since you've found out about the emotional cheating thing, so it sort of opens up an old wound, you gotta wait a bit more for it to heal up again before investing your emotion and energy into someone new. Dating isnt serious though, it's light and fun, it will take your mind off stuff and make you realise what else is out there so if you do decide to date, keep it light.

 

Did your ex know her longer than he had known you? Sometimes it's natural for friends to just care for each other whenthey have known each other for a very long time, it doesnt excuse his behaviour towards you though, wrong of him to shout at you but then feel all upset when someone shouted at her. As for her always talking about how great your ex is, maybe them two deserve each other (why even talk about how great a man is when you have your own husband to praise?), 3 am calls from a married woman is just wrong, you're much better off without people like that in your life.

[nbr]

TTT, I had a similar affair on my wife, no sex, no kissing, no hand holding even (though the temptation/desire was there). Yeah, I tried to get my OW and wife to be friends. My OW was cool with it, my wife? Well, I think you know how she felt.

 

I wanted a RS with both women, there is no other way to explain it. I never *ever* stopped loving my wife, hence wanting to bring the two together. In hindsight, yeah it was wrong, stupid, selfish, and all the other bad things people say about cheaters here. There is only one difference between an emotional affair and a physical affair from a total damage to the primary RS standpoint: you don't need to worry about STDs from an emotional affair. In many ways I've found that the emotional affair is more damaging to the partner being cheated on because since it's not "just sex" it implies there is something deeper.

 

I can now say with openness that I've been on both sides of this fence, cheating, and being cheated on. My wife doesn't see hers as cheating, and frankly nor did I in the beginning. Yeah, it hurts like a ton of bricks, landing one by one on your foot, your heart, your head, your arms. It dribbles the hurt out, it's not one *slam* and done.

 

It got to the point where I was not invited over to their house anymore, and my ex wouldn't even worry about it he would just go over to their house and hang anyways.

Try being shoved out of your own home/into a back room when the other person comes over some time. That's even worse.

 

I think your dreams are normal. Yeah, you bottled some of that hurt away and the recent revelation has brought it out. You're just broken up two weeks ago all over again because of it. Thing is, since you've been here before (5 and a half months ago) you'll heal a bit faster this time.

 

hang in there.

-nbr

[TalkThatTalk9]

thank you for sharing your viewpoint of it. I can't imagine what it is like to have to go through that with your wife.

 

It is hard for me, because I always thought of cheating as physical and I knew emotional existed, but I never knew how much it would hurt.

 

I guess it hurts because I tried so hard to be the best girlfriend for him, and it still was not enough, yet this woman is the one he wants. It's like I did the 6 hard years with him... teaching him what relationships are and all the important things we were supposed to go through to get to the point where we were supposed to be married. and right after all those years of work and commitment, she comes swooping in and gets him after I had to go through all the hard times with him.

 

I know that he has not changed, he was a horrible boyfriend and she will get that eventually... but I feel as if I was like I was a practice round and now she gets the benefits of what I worked so hard to build with him. but then I look at it as it was so one sided with us, good luck to her I guess.

 

I know they deserve each other, and I am better off. . .. I hate being made a fool and that is what it feels like.

 

it is just an off day for me the dream kickstarted me into this mess. but I am not allowing anymore time/tears for them today. I am done with it.

 

I just want to scream at him what a coward he is (he could of just told me I asked 838 times) and what a jerk he is for being the way he is. but I know that it would not matter in the end.

 

I have to just accept that I will never get the answers I want, and I will never get through to him how much he has hurt me. so I guess it is pointless to dwell

[becomingkate]

I am just starting to feel like our relationship was one big lie, because we were together 6 years and by our 3rd year I had suspicions about this woman liking him and he liking her. the past 3 years I have fought with him about what I suspected to be feelings. and he would always compare me to her.

 

This is something that I'd learn from. I believe that you stayed the additional three years because he always had some explanation, or he'd reassure you that all was fine, even though you saw red flags. I bet from now on, you will see those red flags and move on without second guessing yourself.

 

I have a friend who wants to take me on a date, and I am like panicking and don't even want to bother dating someone because I feel as if in the end I am just going to end up as hurt as I am now by someone who I care for.

 

Then you may not be ready; but remember that dating is all about meeting people, and enjoying yourself. Your next date doesn't have to be the start of a new relationship, it can be about having a laugh and some good food. You have the power to take it as slowly, or as quickly as you want. I'd recommend "slowly" though.

[lavenderdove]

Are you really sure it didn't go physical long before he left? Almost NOBODY admits to an affair beforehand unless caught in the act, especially because things could go worse for the wife if it comes out in divorce court that the wife had an affair. So they keep it under wraps until they are sure she wants to leave her husband, then they pretend it was nothing beforehand in order to sanitize the whole situation and make themselves look less bad, and to improve her legal position in divorce court.

 

And if they were having an affair, of course they'd lie, lie, lie about. Many affairs go on for YEARS before they come to light, so it sounds like that may well have been the case here.

 

Regardless, it is hard to say but he probably couldn't care less how much he hurt you or he wouldn't have been running around with ther to begin with! People who engage in affairs are selfish at best, and their characters leave a lot to be desired because they are willing to lie and deceive in order to pleasure themselves.

 

So frankly he may be a coward, but odds are also good he's a liar and a cheat based on what you've presented here. And you need to really accept that, that he knew what he was doing and chose to do it and lacked the character to behave better than he did. So good riddance!

[Justme3]

It sounds like he was dating her while he was with you. It also sounds like they had more than just an "emotional affair." He is a cheater, a liar, and completely disrespected you. They both deserve each other. I think you have your answers. Your gut feelings have always been correct. You were too good for him.

[TalkThatTalk9]

when I found out about them, I freaked out. and I had texted him "are you and blah blah dating? were you with her while stilll with me?" and he wrote back "not to be rude, but it's not you or anybody's business to be in my business"

 

so the next morning, after I had calmed down I wrote him "I'm not trying to get in your business, it is not my business who you date. but it is my business to know if I was cheated on, but I know you will never tell me that."

 

he wrote back "No, I did not cheat on you so don't go thinking that. and I do not hate you"

 

I just wrote "wow thanks for that. have a nice life"

 

all I haev is what he told me, which I take with a grain of salt. I don't trust a single word out of his mouth. doesn't matter I am never talking to him again.

 

and after talking with a friend today, and hearing you guys out, I am going to be fine. I just had a weak moment because of my dream. I move in 3 days, focusing on that.