Boyfriend has no libido--help!

[upsndowns]

I'm trying to poke around on the interwebs and get a good idea of what we're dealing with here.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. Over the past year or so (maybe more), we've been having sex less and less frequently, and the quality has definitely dwindled. Lately, we have sex no more than three times a month (usually once or twice a month, with a few months where we don't have sex at all). This past month has been another "dry spell" with absolutely no sex, and the last two times we had sex, he was very, very drunk. Tonight I asked him if everything was okay. I told him that I wasn't angry with him or disappointed, but I wanted to know if he was okay, or if I did anything to hurt him. He said that I didn't do anything wrong, he just doesn't have a sex drive anymore. He said that it doesn't feel good anymore, and he gets the feeling that he shouldn't be touched like that. I've been reading about low T and things of that nature, but I haven't read anything like this and I'm really worried about him. I told him that he should go to the doctor, but he said that he's embarrassed and feels emasculated. I assured him that I don't think that he's any less of a man, and that his doctor won't think so either, especially since problems with arousal are pretty common. He said he wants to try to self-diagnose and fix the problem on his own, first.

 

I won't pretend that the lack of sex has really been a blow to my self-esteem. I can't even orgasm on my own now. I just start feeling sad because I miss intimacy with my boyfriend. I need porn to be able to even masturbate because when I try on my own I just get distracted by thoughts of how repulsive I must be that my own partner doesn't even want to have sex with me, even though I'm starting to think that may not be true. I really don't want this to come accross to him, though. As much as I miss being intimate with him, the last thing I want to do is to make him feel pressured or inadequate.

 

Is there anyone else who has experienced this? If so, is there anything you can tell me about what's going on, what you do to treat it, and what I can be doing to help?

[goblinshark]

What's your living situation? Also, how was the sex before this started?

[upsndowns]

We were together two years before we moved in together, and even then, we set a deadline of eight months for when I would move out (I just didn't have anywhere else to go). I moved back out a month ago. The sex at the beginning of our relationship was fantastic. Or, rather, the messing around. We didn't have sex until we'd been dating a year. I was a virgin, but he had been sexually active for six years. When we first started being sexual with each other, he couldn't get enough of me. I know that sex cools off after a while in relationships, but he said that he has NO desire at all, and that sex doesn't "feel right". We've been fighting a bit lately because he was criticizing me a lot and hardly ever said anything nice, and that combined with a lack of sex really made me feel undesirable and ugly. He's started saying nice things to me again, which makes me feel a little better, and it is a relief to hear that his lack of interest isn't my fault. But I do miss being intimate with him terribly, and even more, I'm worried that he might be sick. I've heard that low libido can be a sign of some serious thyroid problems.

[becomingkate]

I think that your relationship is at it's critical stage right now, since it's been more than a year that it's been going on. If it were me, I would probably give him 3 or 4 months to find a solution, to at least seem like he's working on the issue.

 

Is there any indication that he could be masturbating when you're not around? Talking to any girls online? The fact that he wants to figure it out on his own makes me wonder if he knows what the problem is, and he's just buying time for some reason.

 

This past month has been another "dry spell" with absolutely no sex, and the last two times we had sex, he was very, very drunk.

 

This could explain why he's buying time - does he drink quite a bit? My late husband drank himself to death, and the first thing to go was his libido.

[upsndowns]

He said that he has no interest in sex at all, not even masturbation. I don't think that he would cheat on me, but honestly, I guess I can't know. I would believe anything at this point. He doesn't drink that often, though. He drinks sometimes on weekends, but he rarely gets really drunk. This last month, now that I think about it, it was a little unusual for him to be that drunk twice in the same month, but other than that, his drinking hasn't really increased, and it's far from being out of hand.