The troubles of sex and dating

[contrarymary]

So I had sex on the first date. The thing I'm finding difficult is how can you tell if the guy is genuinely interested in more but just not ready at that particular time or just stringing you along for the sex?

[contrarymary]

when I say not ready at that particular time I mean for a full blown relationship. So they still want to see you but you are not girlfriend and boyfriend.

[Natasha24]

Unfortunately, the only way to know if he's just seeing you for sex is by not having sex on the first date. There's really no other way to tell. You just have to wait and see.

[contrarymary]

O also we've been seeing each other for 3 months now.

[contrarymary]

I was thinking of saying something along the lines of 'I need to stop having sex as I'm starting to realise how important it is for me to be in a relationship before I give myself to someone like that. I think it might be best for now to continue seeing each other and stop having sex but be open to the idea of seeing other people. Unless you are ready for a relationship?'

 

Obviously that's a very rough wording but what do people think? I'm just finding this limbo so hard!

[Ms Darcy]

So I had sex on the first date. The thing I'm finding difficult is how can you tell if the guy is genuinely interested in more but just not ready at that particular time or just stringing you along for the sex?

 

If you have that question, then the best way to know the answer is to wait on sex until you are in a relationship.

[Keyman]

It sounds like you are in a FWB situation, and by cutting off the sex, you will likely cause him to lose interested. i don't know the full situation, but it sounds that way.

 

If you are interested in a relationship with someone in the future, best to not sleep with them to start with.

 

I also do not think you are in limbo at all.

[HeartGoesOn]

So I had sex on the first date. The thing I'm finding difficult is how can you tell if the guy is genuinely interested in more but just not ready at that particular time or just stringing you along for the sex?

 

By taking the time to determine if there's potential for a relationship, and having enough respect for yourself before giving someone access to your body. This also eliminates the all too common question, "Where do we stand?"

[contrarymary]

ok well at the moment we are talking as we usually do and I'm trying to stop him from talking about sex and then I will see him for a bit when I come back home on the monday and I have to remember to NOT HAVE SEX!!!! and I will tell him the above...and as you say keyman I guess I will see then if he is truly interested in more or just the sex.....we did have a thing with facebook yesterday and I said it upset me that he still had 'single' as his status and please could he take it down. He said that he didn't know how???? (he is not technologically impaired) and that when I next saw him I could change it for him.......but he went to the effort to find out how to deactivate his account? He is back on again now though and we are talking as we did before because he said he didn't like talking about serious stuff over the phone and text due to past experiences?..

[contrarymary]

Yes I understand this and I wish slept with him so early but I can't take that back now....only deal with the situation I'm in at this present moment. I have never done this before so it's all quite new...

[Ms Darcy]

I said it upset me that he still had 'single' as his status and please could he take it down. He said that he didn't know how???? (he is not technologically impaired) and that when I next saw him I could change it for him.......but he went to the effort to find out how to deactivate his account? He is back on again now though and we are talking as we did before because he said he didn't like talking about serious stuff over the phone and text due to past experiences?..

 

He is bs-ing you. He just wants to continue to be single while sleeping with you.

[contrarymary]

Yeah he says that with his ex it had been about six months and she had to go in to his account and change it for him but even if that is true I don't want to have to do that!! I've expressed that it bothers me I don't see why it is so difficult for something so trivial as he says to take it down if it's bothering someone he supposedly cares about...

[contrarymary]

The trouble is...I'm meeting with him on Monday and I need to get my point accross with no wishy washiness and make sure he can't persuade me in any way otherwise...so...3 months of sleeping together...am I being pushy by saying we should be in a relationship?..and what if when we meet he says that yes we are in a relationship, boyfriend and girlfriend but still acts weird about the whole facebook thing?

[Ms Darcy]

I wouldn't push. I would just tell him that you've enjoyed your time together and you consider him to be a bf. Ask him if he is on the same page. If not, and he can't see that happening with you in the near future, then you should consider moving on.

[contrarymary]

well I remember one time a week or so ago we were having supper and I brought this up (but not in a very good way...so I blame myself for the wishy washiness too) and he did say that he could see himself in a relationship with me maybe in the future and he had thought about it. Although he also then said at some point that he didn't like labels...so serious conflicting messages!

 

But I just wonder...at what point do I then say so...'are you my boyfriend' and I probably wouldn't have felt so odd about it again if he hadn't been so weird about his 'single' status on facebook...all I asked was for him to take it down because it was bothering me that he seemed so available when we are exclusive, he didn't have to change it to 'in a relationship'. But he also got ancy because I discussed that over the phone and for some weird reason he's odd about serious subjects being over the phone...but I'm away for a couple of weeks so it was my only choice!

[theanonymoose]

Just be prepared to walk away if you're not happy with the situation you're in. You have to be able to show him that you won't let him dictate the terms of your relationship at the cost of your own happiness.

 

That doesn't mean you should bail immediately and refuse to compromise (if the compromise is decent, like a step in the right direction), but it does mean that if he's unwilling to budge and you're not happy with that, you should let him know that you need some time to think things over. Send him that message that you're both in this; it isn't just him having his fun without a care in the world.

[contrarymary]

Thanks I just want to make sure that I don't do anything stupid and that I'm not getting too emotional about this. Especially the facebook thing...I mean is it bad that it bothers me so much?

[theanonymoose]

I don't think it's inappropriate to be a bit bothered by it after a few months of hooking up. I think the chat you have on Monday will help shine some light on how he feels about things. Just try to keep level headed, relatively logical, and non-confrontational. You also want to present the right mindset when you're dealing with him, so remind yourself of these two things:

 

a) This aspect of life (dating and relationships) is just about entirely about happiness. Whatever you do, or try to do, you should both be aiming to be happy. If it's not making you happy, you need to re-evaluate.

b) This is only one man, in a sea of millions of eligible men - at least thousands of which should be living relatively close by. If he can't give you what you want, or at least give you a decent portion of it, you'll be able to find someone that can. I know your heart can make the prospect seem much less promising than that, but try to buddy up with your brain - he knows the score.

[itsallgrand]

Listen, the truth is that things aren't different if you have sex. You still are just...dating. And he has shown no interest in moving it past dating to an exclusive relationship.

 

I think people tend to get buggered up when they add sex to the mix IF sex means some contingent thing to them. It's not a bad thing to attach meaning to sex - but if this is a truth for you, you gotta know that walking in and not expect something from someone (that it will progress to a relationship because you are having sex) automatically. You need to take the time to find out if that is true for the other person, too.

 

Very lame of him to say he can't figure out how to deactivate facebook or change the setting. But you aren't a dummy, you can figure out that this doesn't fit together. That there are things you want to hear, and there are things he knows you want to hear, in order for the sex to continue.

 

Don't threaten or stop the sex and expect him to listen to you like you are a girlfriend. If you aren't happy, walk away. Don't demonize him. You two walked into this together...and maybe it isn't working out for you....then be honest about that. Just my two cents.

[Capricorn3]

I'm probably the only one here who's wondering what the problem is, if as you say, you are together for the past three months? If it's going well, then why would you suddenly want to stop having sex with him? What are you hoping to achieve? What am I missing here?

[itsallgrand]

^As I understand it, she has certain "girlfriend" expectations that he isn't meeting.

[Capricorn3]

^As I understand it, she has certain "girlfriend" expectations that he isn't meeting.

Ok. The way I read it it sounded like a regular couple dating, lol. Does he need to actually say the words "you are my girlfriend"? lol.

 

OP: The only way to figure out whatever it is that you are after with this guy is to ask him directly and say what's on your mind. If you can have sex with someone for 3 months, then surely you should be able to actually discuss things like this as adults, no? Communication is key.

[goblinshark]

Some guys who wouldn't regularly "string a girl along for sex" do so when the girl puts out on the first date. It initiates a thought process in his head like "does she do this with all the guys she dates" and makes him think that you might only be wanting the sex as well. Sometimes it doesn't work like that, but most of the time it seems like guys don't keep things going with girls they have sex with on the first date.

 

It's not like it's a big deal. Just try not to next time. Guys like a bit of a chase. That way, when they do get it, they feel like they've worked for it. Work = value. It's similar to buying something or getting it for free. Even if it's the same thing, if you pay for it you will value it more in your mind, meaning more attachment and more desire to commit to a continued relationship.

[SapphireNoir10]

The only time I've had sex really early on...pretty much the first date we were together for 15 months. The rest of my sexual partners have all been once we've entered the official exclusive relationship label.

 

Most of my friends though, who've slept with guys on the first date etc have ended up not hearing from them again, but then again one of my other friends one night stands turned into a 2 year relationship.

 

You just never know.

 

I'd always hold off till the exclusive/relationship stage myself because I Wouldnt wanna sleep with someone dating/seeing others.

[contrarymary]

Just to clarify everyone we are 'exclusive' in all honesty the only thing that really bugged me was when he kicked up a fuss about the facebook thing and it just sort of sent off a red flag. I have explained to him that it bothers me and he said that I can change it but that just seems odd to me...I don't see why he can't.

 

It's annoying as next week I'm house sitting for my mum and I thought it would be really nice to invite him up here but I'm feeling odd about what we are doing now....I have to go back up to london on the monday and will talk to him a bit more about it then.