Looking too friendly

[quirky]

I think I have this issue with guys. I am very warm, open and chatty and I think I give off the friendly vibe a bit too much. As in.. 'I don't need to be pursued, I am friendly to you already'. I have heard of a few guys that like a challenge, a lady that is a bit more closed off but slowly opens up to him..maybe there's something for him to 'earn' there, he feels special when she warms up to him..being distant can be alluring I guess.

 

When I say open I don't mean I blurt out my life story, neither sexually. Just being very approachable.

 

I am excitable, tactile, spontaneous and most times the guys that ARE interested get surprised about me wanting to be pursued and go slow. I don't look cheap for sure, I am also an intellectual lady..but maybe I look easier than I am o_O...? ? Particularly in the British culture where people are more reserved, someone as open as me might cause confusion (I am not british).

 

I have thought of holding back and having more distance and toning myself down but then I wouldn't be myself would I.

 

Same goes with my clothes. I wear lots of nice dresses, 50s style or retro/vintage but I am also clumsy and very silly too, I might hide and scare my colleagues, things like that. I can be almost childish.. but the thing is I am very wild too, it's just not very obvious. Also because I get excitable people think I'm happy person but I am actually very deep and analytical and melancholic.

 

I am conflicted....my ex said I am like 10 women in one. And I actually think it's confusing to the guys, I don't know how to portray myself. Does anyone else have that problem? I'd appreciate some tips as I am going to venture out again soon 8)

[Klokwurk]

I SAW HER FIRST!!!

 

Seriously, you sound great, what is the perceived problem? You are too amazing? That is sort of a hard thing to do.

 

Damn.

[pl3asehelp]

Sounds like you're still deciding what kind of person you want to be and how you should conduct yourself to be that person.

 

The whole pursuit thing should be 50/50. I personally think that if you expect otherwise, you're severely limiting your choices and I wouldn't be surprised if you never find a healthy rewarding relationship.

[jordesse]

I think you sound like a great girl and I wouldn't go changing anything! I can totally relate to the way you described yourself as I see alot of what you wrote in myself. I have the opposite problem though. Many men take my very friendly personality as a sign I like them and are interested in them! It gets very awkward when I have to explain I only like them as friends. Believe me, they'd know it if I was interested! lol Stay as you are, you sound great!!

[tiredofvampires]

Lol, quirky, you really ARE my twin. All the way. Everything you wrote (except for the clothing style) is me, to a T. Outgoing and tactile and friendly/warm enough for people to think I'm bubbly and happy (and willing to go quickly into something), but just cautious, "not easy", and melancholic/serious enough below that surface impression that it'll either bring disbelief in someone at first, or turn them off (my problem is that I have a hard time revealing these different aspects of myself because I don't know what the reaction will be, even if I'm being socially appropriate). I've been called "intimidating" too many times to count, but I honestly don't know how that fits into "approachable", which is also a consensus. Go figure!

 

I think you already have your answer: if you try to contrive yourself in any way, you are no longer being you. And really, you want to attract someone who likes the "10 you's" (sure keeps things from being boring for 'em!), and likes that you're not going to play into some expected social dating personality when it doesn't fit.

 

Being aloof does attract some fellas. Just not the fellas that I think will ultimately be as compatible (or as healthy) for me as I'm looking for.

 

Soooooo........don't change, just go out there and keep weeding out anyone who doesn't like it. Let 'em find that mysterious, remote, sophisticated femme fatale. We might not have as many "takers", but the ones that do bite will be totally worth it.

 

STAY QUIRKY!!

[mfan]

I'd recommend you say "eurggh!" occasionally, as I've heard some guys are really attracted to that. Just kidding.

 

Seriously though, I've had friends who also "are like more than one person at once", meaning they don't fit into one tight description - and I think that's awesome! However, they, like you, sometimes feel that men (and women too) don't "get" them. I guess many people are looking for a friend/mate who is easy to understand. But I still think too easy isn't as rewarding.

 

If you combine a lot of personalities then you are a challenge! No need to worry about trying to be more of one, it makes you more broad.

[quirky]

I SAW HER FIRST!!!

 

Seriously, you sound great, what is the perceived problem? You are too amazing? That is sort of a hard thing to do.

 

Damn.

 

Wow, thanks, that's nice of you I dunno, just worry that guys don't know what to make of me, I often feel like something's gone wrong with me in the making and I am a bit of everything and nothing is specific.

 

 

I have the opposite problem though. Many men take my very friendly personality as a sign I like them and are interested in them! It gets very awkward

 

Yes I understand, I used to have that issue too when I was younger. Now I try to be careful if the guy looks interested and I am not. Thank you for your sweet words If you are similar, how does it work for you? Have many guys told you you're not just what you seem?

[quirky]

Sounds like you're still deciding what kind of person you want to be and how you should conduct yourself to be that person.

 

The whole pursuit thing should be 50/50. I personally think that if you expect otherwise, you're severely limiting your choices and I wouldn't be surprised if you never find a healthy rewarding relationship.

 

I want to be me but 'me' is a contradiction.

 

I am VERY responsive when a man makes an effort. And very encouraging too and honest. But I can't be planning our first date, I guess I am traditional like that..I am not selfish or much of a princess. I just like the guy to make the first 2-3 steps. If I never meet someone, that's cool I guess..

[ghostgirl116]

oh my goodness, would i like to respond! i am an open person, but i won't make a person my bff in five minutes. i just like to try new things, i'm very go with the flow, and i love people. i'm also a bit of a recluse and an introvert (if they can be reconciled with my love of people lol). i lived on the u.s. west coast for a number of years (although i did grow up in the midwest, but a rather larger city, now i live in a smaller u.s. city--different!!) and when i moved to this smaller city in the midwest, it was culture shock. if you're a happy-go-lucky sort such as myself, and a woman, and a rather girlie woman (i am over forty and i love wearing dresses-and i am appropriate for my age- and heels), you are considered a woman who is on the look -out for a man. and i have been treated accordingly. there is nothing in my actions aside from this that would suggest anything of the sort, but i have even had a girlfriend tell me that people don't know how to take my friendliness, that it seems i am flirting.

[pl3asehelp]

I want to be me but 'me' is a contradiction.

 

I am VERY responsive when a man makes an effort. And very encouraging too and honest. But I can't be planning our first date, I guess I am traditional like that..I am not selfish or much of a princess. I just like the guy to make the first 2-3 steps. If I never meet someone, that's cool I guess..

 

What do you have against being an equal participant in planning the first date?

[Capricorn3]

I am conflicted....my ex said I am like 10 women in one. And I actually think it's confusing to the guys

I can understand why guys (people) would be confused - I mean, 10 different people all rolled into one IS scary! lol. But seriously, I have no idea how you could "solve" this. My only solution would be to somehow "match" each different personality (for want of a better word) to the right occasion. A casual/party occasion, bring on the excitable personality. A more formal/serious occasion, bring on a more formal side of you etc etc. Other than that, I have no idea.

[jordesse]

Have many guys told you you're not just what you seem?

 

Yes Yes Yes!! But in a good way! They are often surprised by my me eg. I've met guys during "my wild side" (out partying, drinking, dancing in the rain etc lol) and they are shocked I don't do one night stands or I'll start up an intellectual conversation about the gross domestic product.

Your personality is your advantage. Don't worry that guys don't know what to make of you! That is the exact thing that will attract the right guy for you. It is what makes you interesting which is as good as being mysterious.

When I was young, I had the same fears as you do. I felt somewhat 'abnormal' and desperately wanted to fit in and be like all my 'normal' friends. I tried to conform and ended up marrying a very conservative, staight laced man and we lived a conservative, staight laced life.

Of course it all came crashing down one day because I was trying to be something I'm not. I finally decided to embrace all my quirky personality traits and be myself wholely and souly and I met my perfect match! We've been together almost 7 years now and we are still in the honeymoon stage because we are still amazed by each other every day! He says he is still learning new things about me each day and every day is different! He never knows which Jordesse he is getting on any given day! He loves it and so will the man that falls in love with you!! Good luck and enjoy your uniqueness!

[jonny15]

There is nothing wrong with being open and friendly.

 

This isn't a game, so there is no need for men to need to solve a puzzle when it comes to a woman.

 

Being straight forward is fine.

[Klokwurk]

I'd recommend you say "eurggh!" occasionally, as I've heard some guys are really attracted to that. Just kidding.

 

Lol!

 

Everyone has their thing - you happen to be challenging and complex; of course I cant speak for all guys, but to me those are qualities that make you seem more human, more "open" for the sort of contact I want to make, more desirable. Just keep putting yourself in social situations, youll bump into your match when you least expect it.

[quirky]

My kindred spirit ! ! Why don't we live closer ? ? We'd have so much fun together

 

I relate so much to what you write. I couldn't change myself really.. Capricorn made a good point though about suiting the situation I am in at a given time. I am not inappropriate though..I have also been called intimidating or intense and I was also somewhat arrogant when I was younger. I also feel I can be too 'heavy' for people that are not deep, after being on eNA it's hard to converse about feelings on a basic level..lolol

 

Does the bit in bold bother you ?

[quirky]

What do you have against being an equal participant in planning the first date?

 

You mean if he said 'I was thinking we can go to this restaurant, what do you think?'

That is fine. But the times I have made the first step I ended up making a lot of the steps.. Just my experience.

[quirky]

if you're a happy-go-lucky sort such as myself, and a woman, and a rather girlie woman (i am over forty and i love wearing dresses-and i am appropriate for my age- and heels), you are considered a woman who is on the look -out for a man.

 

My mum has that problem. Such a shame because she is a successful busineswoman who loves to dress up. It's because she is very friendly too.

 

You guys are being very encouraging, thank you !

 

jordesse - I never wanted to fit in and never compromised for it either..quite the opposite. Just a little troubled about this since I've been single. I am really happy you have found someone to love

 

Klokwurk - you are very nice ! It's not easy to find guys that are a bit different and off the wall but still want to settle and are reliable. You sound a bit different yourself, do you easily find girls you like? And what kind of places do you hang around..?

[andy94]

Hun, there's nothing better you could do than to be yourself. I don't know about other guys, but i sure don't like it when someone pretends to be something they aren't. There are people who will hate you for who you are, but there are also people who will love and adore you and your personality.

[jordesse]

No, I didn't think you were trying to conform. I was just sharing my mistake and the consequences of the confusion I had surrounding my perception of my perceived faults. My point was supposed to be, your unique, multifaceted personality will attract far more men then it will deter them. I'm betting you get alot of attention from men but it's not from the ones you want? If this has troubled you since being single, what exactly has been standing out for you that is making you feel this way? Can you give an example?

[quirky]

No, I didn't think you were trying to conform. I was just sharing my mistake and the consequences of the confusion I had surrounding my perception of my perceived faults. My point was supposed to be, your unique, multifaceted personality will attract far more men then it will deter them. I'm betting you get alot of attention from men but it's not from the ones you want? If this has troubled you since being single, what exactly has been standing out for you that is making you feel this way? Can you give an example?

 

Truth is when they ARE interested it is mainly because of my personality. I am not sure I get too much attention..I guess where will you get attention? Most guys at my job are gay, one has asked me out. One guy from my hobby, one when I volunteered for something, one friend of a friend..but it never becomes anything. I tend to like unusual guys and they end up being quite weird or unstable or don't keep the interest up. I haven't tried online dating but was thinking of giving it a go now because I feel like meeting someone. I was getting over a very painful BU up until now.

 

You are right though..maybe there's some things about me I perceive as faults when they're not. My deepest concern is 'will he handle me'. I remember once my ex said 'you have the devil in you' and of course I don't...but I have too much passion, too much life, all that life entails the good and the bad.

[lipstick red]

OMG I'm the same way...as in friendly and approachable. Seriously what's wrong with us being friendly and approachable. My bff said I'm too friendly but you know if I like the company (guy or girl) why can't I show you how I feel? Sometimes I feel so restricted around reserved ppl but hey I'm flexible, I can be reserved as well.

 

I love wearing dresses as well, esp vintage (do you shop at Etsy?). I cook, I love rock but I don't do any of the bad vices that goes along with it.

 

I wish I have some form of advice but I'm practically in the same boat as you. The last guy said I move to fast? Er, hello maybe he's moving to slow! hahaha

Just like you, I have guys who think I'm interested in them but trust me, if I'm into you, I'll be flirty. If I'm not into you, I'm friendly just cause my momma brought me up right!

 

Maybe some guys mistaken friendly as flirty. I don't know.

[lipstick red]

I'd recommend you say "eurggh!" occasionally, as I've heard some guys are really attracted to that. Just kidding.

 

 

haha this 'eurgh' thing sounds like some thread I read a few days ago. You've gotta be the same person or there's some other guy who has the same quirk as you. I actually had a real life chuckle and went 'awww, cute' when I read it.

[mfan]

Hi [lipstick] - it was just a parody of that other thread in the Dating forum. (which I still find kind of endearing, actually)

[lipstick red]

Well, I thought it was funny. Like an inside joke here. I'm new so it felt like I kinda know what's going on. haha

[Generation]

Just be yourself.