Regaining trust and overcoming my own insecurities...

[redpanda]

It's kind of a long story, but I'll try to sum it up. My wife recently revealed to me that she still had feelings for her best friend from high school, who coincidentally became a good friend of my own (he even played the music at our wedding). They had stayed up late one night after a party and began talking about those feelings they had for each other again, the paths that they took, and what could have been, sharing tears and then eventually kissing each other.

 

I was crushed to hear this, wondering what exactly it meant that they have these regrets. My wife however assured me that she still wanted me and enjoyed our life together.

 

Just yesterday my wife decided to cut all ties with the guy, and I agreed with the decision, but I still had fears. She went on her own to talk to him in person, and the entire time my brain was going haywire. When she returned she seemed completely normal, but while talking about it that night the stress overwhelmed me. Suddenly I felt this rush of emotions regarding my trust, my wife's sense of satisfaction with our marriage, and what to do next, that I essentially had a mental breakdown. Nothing violent, but an outpouring of anger and negativity that was simply overwhelming for her. It resulted in me, probably wisely, locked out of our bedroom. I've apologized profusely and we've been coping today, recovering, and considering counseling.

 

I wanted to provide her with understanding throughout the ordeal, however that rational was interpreted by her as a disinterest in our marriage.

 

I have my own issues with trust, kind of always have, but with this turn of events the struggle has only become more difficult. How should I cope? How do I repair my marriage?

 

Thanks you so much for any replies.

[camus154]

It's sad to me that your wife goes off and kisses another man and you wind up here posting about how you have "insecurities".

 

This isn't about your being insecure. This is about your wife breaching your trust. Now it seems the tables have been turned on you, as though it's now your responsibility to convince her you still want this marriage. If anyone should be apologizing profusely, I would think it should be her.

[redpanda]

Thanks for your reply. In all honesty she has apologized, but I feel my current predicament is accepting her apology completely and regaining my trust in this relationship we have together. Essentially she's saying "I cut all ties with my old best friend while you just hung back and worried yourself into a mental breakdown (and that beer I had didn't help out either). What are you doing to make this marriage work apart from stressing out?"

 

I think there's truth to that. I need to be proactive about regaining confidence. That's what brought me here, but what else can I do to deal with this the right way?

[ghostgirl116]

um, your wanting to be understanding made her think you were "disinterested" in your marriage??? how old are you guys? why did she tell you these things if she planned to break off with the guy anyway? i mean, DIDN'T she plan to break off with the guy anyway? was she conflicted about marrying you?

[ghostgirl116]

i'm going to have to agree with camus... she is the one that should be apologizing. she totally turned this around to make you look like the bad guy. and if you were kissing on an old friend, you might find HER fit to lock out of your room!

[camus154]

Essentially she's saying "I cut all ties with my old best friend while you just hung back and worried yourself into a mental breakdown (and that beer I had didn't help out either). What are you doing to make this marriage work apart from stressing out?"

 

I think there's truth to that. I need to be proactive about regaining confidence. That's what brought me here, but what else can I do to deal with this the right way?

 

Wow, she's really got you snowballed, man.

 

Good luck.

[jordesse]

You are on the right track when you say you "need to be proactive about regaining confidence" but you have the context all wrong!! Be proactive in regaining the confidence to see that what your wife did was cheat on you! If anyone was showing their disinterest in the marriage it was your wife!

You both need to go straight to marriage councelling as well as individual councelling.

[redpanda]

Just to update. We cut ties with the old friend and things really started to look better. My wife and I became closer and even started seeking guidance. We did see the friend once, but it wasn't as awkward as expected and we were able to shrug it off. The friend however took it severely and threw himself deep into long nights of wild parties. Just a few days ago we were informed by other people in our circle of friends that he had completely disappeared from the house he was staying at, clothes, bed, computer, and all. He contacted us and revealed that he had a drug over-dose and had decided to live at his parents house until he could get his act together. My wife seems to have fallen into a depression of sorts, crying at night, sleeping during the day, and now has decreased communication. As glad as I am that the guy is getting help, I'm somewhat outraged. Was this a cry for attention? How do I comfort my wife? I fear this act only served to uncover those feelings she had again, but am I just paranoid? I told her she shouldn't feel guilty about his actions, and she said she didn't, only that she felt like a guardian of him in some way, but I don't know. I'm going for a job interview right now and kind of feel sad that I might not be spending the same amount of time with her during the day. Any thoughts?

[pl3asehelp]

Wow - not a good reaction from your wife. I suggest you not attempt to comfort your wife over the guy she was cheating on you with having some problems. I don't like her earlier reaction either where she basically brushed your concerns under the rug when she should be proactively doing things to re-assure you she's not going to stray again - that reaction alone would have been enough for me to tell her to take a hike.

[camus154]

You don't comfort your wife.

 

Sorry, did someone die? Get maimed in a motorcycle accident?

 

No. This friend acted irresponsibly, went on some party binge, and now is moving back home to get his life together. Why exactly is your wife crying in the evenings and sleeping all day because of this?

 

Sure, it's hard to cut ties with friends. But she already did that with him, right? And sure, it's hard when your friends go through hard times. But her reactions to these things do not match up with either the situation itself or the level of involvement she has with it.

 

Maybe I'm just not sympathetic enough as a man, but this strikes me as a disproportionate reaction to what actually happened. I can understand being upset over this, but not to the point of falling into a depression over it.

[pl3asehelp]

You don't comfort your wife.

 

Sorry, did someone die? Get maimed in a motorcycle accident?

 

No. This friend acted irresponsibly, went on some party binge, and now is moving back home to get his life together. Why exactly is your wife crying in the evenings and sleeping all day because of this?

 

Sure, it's hard to cut ties with friends. But she already did that with him, right? And sure, it's hard when your friends go through hard times. But her reactions to these things do not match up with either the situation itself or the level of involvement she has with it.

 

Maybe I'm just not sympathetic enough as a man, but this strikes me as a disproportionate reaction to what actually happened. I can understand being upset over this, but not to the point of falling into a depression over it.

 

Unless of course her level of involvement is more than she's told the OP about, which I think it's reasonable to assume is true. She's probably head over heels in love with this loser and that's why she kissed him in the first place. Now her new boyfriend isn't an option anymore and she's totally devastated.

 

Or maybe it was just some meaningless kiss like OP's wife said.

[camus154]

Yeah, unfortunately I agree that's probably the case.