Tired of being low priority

[canyoukeepasecret]

I'm so depressed as I write this and I have no clue where to go from here. I feel like I'm really bad at relationships, and I am very hard on myself when things go wrong, even if it's not %100 my fault.

 

I met my boyfriend in the spring, and I really love seeing him and spending time with him. *We've met each others families. *He's met my friends on more than one occasion. He has a lot of things in his life which keep him busy with his sports and work, and tons of friends. *He's rarely at home. *I'm never included in plans with his friends. *I only met them once on a camping trip. **

 

Over the last couple of months I've found myself stressed and anxious as he's always "too busy" for me. *I've grown so tired of that excuse, and tired of only seeing him once every week or two.*

I sat down and talked with him about it last month, so he is aware of how i feel. *I told him that to me, "too busy" equals "you're not a priority" and**he says that I can interpret things however I want but it doesn't really mean its true. *he also says that I'm just being insecure and need to keep myself busier and find more ways to occupy my free time. *But I can't understand why he doesn't seem bothered that we only see each other once a week, or sometimes once every 2 weeks. * I feel like I get his scrap bits of time, or he makes all his plans, and then has no time left for me. *He seems satisfied with just texting each other everyday.

 

My problem is that this month he has a work trip and*was planning on being away for 3 weeks. *We had a great week together before he left, and everything seemed to be going well. *He even surprised me with dinner one night.*Then he came back home unexpectedly after one week into the trip for 2 days before leaving again to finnish his 2 week work trip. I was so excited that he was back for 2 days. *But in those two days he made plans with his family and friends and in the end he was "too tired" to see me. *It was devastating, and like a slap in the face. * That knowing he wouldn't see me in 3 weeks, he didn't even seem bothered that he wouldn't get to see me. *I texted him how upset I was and he basically blamed everything on me being insecure. *

 

But even if I am insecure in relationships, it doesn't mean that he's not giving me reasons to be so.*

 

So I got really angry with him, and his response was that*we need to "pump the breaks" and we'd talk in two weeks when he got home. *It's been one week of not hearing from him and it's breaking my heart. I haven't made any efforts to call or text him, *because I feel like that wouldn't help and just put a band aid on the problem. *He doesn't get home for another week. *It feels like we've already broken up as we never go a day without connecting with each other, even if it's just a text.

 

On one hand I'm not happy with our relationship, and if this is how its going to be I need to end things. *but on the other hand I miss him so much and enjoy the time i do get to see him. *I know I should dump him, because he isn't treating me *like his girlfriend but it's not always that easy to do.

 

Am I being unreasonable? I don't know how to get through to him, and I don't know if I ever will. *I guess I'm looking for advice. *I feel like a failure, and I'm beating myself up over this. *

[camus154]

Doesn't matter how much you miss him. You're absolutely right--he's not making you much of a priority and you know this. If you're not happy with this, then you only have one option--time to end it, no matter how hard it may be.

[pinkelephant]

I find the astricks in your post really distracting, just so you know.

 

I don't think it's worth arguing whether you're a priority or not. It seems that you have different ideas on what makes a relationship. You need more and he's okay with the way things are. After proposing to compromise (which he declined/ignored completely), your only option is to leave and find a better, more suitable partner.

 

I used to feel needy and insecure with my last bf with the little amounts of time we spent together. With my current, while it's still apparent that I require more "relationship/couple" time, he makes time for me and is compromising. Most of all, he doesn't belittle my feelings and use tactics to make me question myself. Tactics that I noticed in your posts (calling you insecure, calling for a break when you voiced your concerns).

[canyoukeepasecret]

The website added the astricks, I couldn't get rid of them, they annoy me too

Thanks for your advice, I need to hear it. I agree with both of you. I just need to find some strength inside of me. He is hard to talk to as he thinks so highly of himself. I agree I need to find someone with similar values and yet I keep ending up with the completely opposite guy.

[Chalk]

I think you'll kick yourself later if you don't do it. I've been on the receiving end of 'it's your problem you're just insecure' and felt it lacked empathy. He can always come back if he wants to make you more of a priority.

[offplanet]

I agree I need to find someone with similar values and yet I keep ending up with the completely opposite guy.

 

By staying in a relationship where you're treated as such a low priority, you're giving the message that you're not worthy of anything better. By leaving, you give the message that you're worth more. Don't accept this kind of treatment, and you will give out the signals that you're worth more, which will attract a different response from men. It'd be better even to be single for a while, if necessary, than settle for that lesser kind of relationship, which is a recipe for misery. If you get to be more self sufficient, happy in your own interests, and not desperate for a relationship, you will more likely to attract someone who will value and want your company.

[jordesse]

Is this the same guy who took two months to kiss you? Is this the same guy who used to spend a lot of time taking you out on nice dates? If this is the same guy, it sounds like he invested a lot of time in the beginning but slowly started to spend less and less time with you?

I hate to say it but I think he may have met someone else.......

[eternalsunrise]

Ohhhhhhhh yeah. I hear you. This would fire me up big time.... The "we'll talk when i get back in two weeks" would have been the last nail in the coffin for me. I think you need to show him who's in charge and break up with him. He treats you awfully. You deserve to build a better life for yourself and it starts with inner work. This guy doesn't sound like he's salvageable as far as respect for you goes. During this time of gathering your strength you should go right out and read the book 'why men love...' by Sherry Argov. Change your perspective. You are NOT a doormat. You deserve a much better life with a great guy you can build something with actively rather than just taking crumbs from that guy.

[canyoukeepasecret]

I know I need inner work eternalsunshine, I just don't know where to start. I feel very hopeless, like I'll never be happy in life. I have an appointment to talk with a therapist next week. How does one change for the better? My friends aren't a good support for me, they've been the ones encouraging me to keep trying with this guy. In the last 2 years, I've been a doormat for all the guys I've dated, and I don't know how to change.

 

And yes Jordess, this is the same guy. He very well may have met someone else, and the thought of that breaks my heart. Or he simply may find that I've put up with the way he's been treating me, and doesn't need to try as hard. He still puts in effort when I see him, buying me things, bringing me out to nice places, it's just very infrequent dates. And I do recognize that this isn't okay.

 

I know I've been treated awful, and it's easy to tell someone to break up with them, but its hard when that person isnt even in the same time zone. When he comes home, we will break up. I just don't know how to go about doing it. Over the phone? In person? I'm not good at expressing my thoughts and feelings, so it will be hard for me.

 

The more I hear from everyone how I deserve better, the more I feel like I can do this. Thanks for the support

[pinkelephant]

Good for you! I think you just need to figure out what you need in life. I think friends generally try to encourage you to work on your relationships especially if they don't see you breaking from it. At least, that's how some of my friends are. Seeing a therapist is a step in the right direction. What helped me was to really enjoy my time with everyone ELSE in my life and be in the present! That takes a lot of practice, oddly enough and it made me more pleasant to be around in general. I also looked into different hobbies to try out. Basically, made my life fuller.

 

I hope that helps. Good luck! We are here if you need more support. That's what this site is for!

[Ms Darcy]

Of course you can. You are 29. Vow to go into your 30s with confidence and self-respect ... and therapy!

[canyoukeepasecret]

Just an update: broke up with him tonight. I told him how I felt, and his response was that we shouldn't be having these problems so early on (I agree). I wasn't willing to continue if things weren't going to change, and he actually said he's been "giving me 90% of his free time", and felt he couldn't date someone who didn't trust him.

 

What bothers me is how he said he knew I was "the one" (his words) from the moment we met. Why would he even say that? He said it after we had decided to end things.

 

As he was leaving he asked what I wanted, to break off communication for good, or to stay in contact and grab a coffee sometime. He wants to remain friends. I found that very insulting as he's hardly had time for me lately, and agrees that we should be breaking up. He seemed to have a hard time with all of this. If I'm not in his life as his girlfriend, then I have no interest being in his life, it would hurt me too much.

I honestly don't know how I feel about all of this. I almost feel numb if that makes sense.

[Ms Darcy]

With the "one" comment and "staying friends" I think he was angling for some casual sex. You did the right thing. Go girl.