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Can people ever really not know how they feel?

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I posted recently about an ex that has been instigating contact for years and yet has clearly shown that she's either confused or unaware of how she feels about me and it got me thinking, can people really ever be totally unaware of their feelings?


This ex has:


- Contacted me repeatedly since our break up years ago

- Gotten inappropriately jealous about other women in my life

- Told me she'll 'always be there for me if I ever need a friend'

- Never missed contacting me at Christmas and birthdays

- Sent me birthday cards covered with kisses and thinking of you's

- Contacts my mom and dad on their birthdays despite not seeing them for years

- Acted hurt when I've been really happy when she tells me she's really happy

- Asked me if I'm dating anyone new

- Told me she thinks she'll never meet someone

- Acted jealous and angry when I told her that she will

- Told me she feels sad that she's not able to be there for me in my life


And there's much, much more...the list goes on. And even her friends and family tell me they wish we'd get back together as they say she's not been happy since leaving me all those years ago. And yet the last time she contacted me, I heard she'd asked her sister "why do I keep wanting to contacting him", showing that she's not even sure about what she feels about me. I'm sure some of you will jump on the 'be there for me as a friend' comment she said but please keep it in context of everything else she's said and done.


Now I'm not asking what I should do or what she feels or anything like that. I covered that in my last thread and got some great advice. All I'm asking is - is it possible to love someone, not be over them, still be in love with them etc and not actually realize it? Or am I missing something? I just know that if I was acting the way she is towards an ex, I'd either be like "Wow, I'm totally still in love with them" or at the very least would be asking myself some serious questions. Am I the only one?

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I think she's well aware of how she feels. Other than you 'hearing' she asked her sister why she keeps contacting you, all of her actions indicate otherwise - that she knows exactly why she's contacting you and how she feels. It's probably just hard for her to admit because she isn't ready to move on.

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Yeah the same thought had crossed my mind that her sister and friends were subtly helping her with their contact with me, but I didn't sense any BS or lying from them. It really did seem kind of as if they maybe think they know how she feels but that she herself doesn't. I just find it inconceivable that anyone could act like this for years and not see that there are serious feelings still there. Or else I'm the one misreading things for whatever reason.

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Yes, and I equate it to fear of the unknown. As a teen, I was unsure of my feelings for 4 different girls. I was attracted to all 4, but I didn't know which one had the best chance of working out. None of them did anyway. A few years ago, I had to choose between somebody who I loved versus an old flame that was more likely to work out. I stuck it out with the person that I loved, even through the many lows in the end, but ultimately she left. The old flame didn't stick around to be a back-up plan, which was perfectly acceptable to me.


My most recent ex dumped me because she was unsure of our future and was too impatient to even try to work through it. She's been confused for months, and I can tell she fears regret. However, she wasn't too confused to jump to other people, unless you believe in dumper rebounds.

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  • 4 weeks later...



Hi Allcity! These are my opinions on her inconsistent statements and actions:



1. She knows exactly how she feels about you. She has dropped multiple hints and is waiting for a return hint from you before she fully exposes her cards. She will never ever say directly "I haven't gotten over you and I am still in love with you" until she has a sense of where you stand first. I believe she is frustrated because she's not getting any type of response from you, so her inconsistent statements range from "I will be there for you" to "I will not be there for you."


2. If she is the jealous-and-possessive type, she can't stand to see you with anyone else and it drives her crazy that something she once had might now "belong" to someone else. ESPECIALLY if the men she's been dating falls short of filling your shoes. She might be obsessed with the idea of losing you more than she is with the idea of being back together with you.


You two were together for 10 years. Whether or not she is still in love with you, she is DEFINITELY experiencing a loss of that special connection that you two built over the years, and she could be confusing that with love.


As for your parents, perhaps they are just good people who treat her well, and it's rare to find good people in the world who are worth keeping connection with. My ex's parents helped us buy a house, and have been supportive beyond belief even long after the breakup, and I will continue to buy them birthday and Christmas presents until the day they die.


My personal opinion: You hold a special place in her heart that no one else has been able to fill, and it's more complicated than just being in love with you.

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