Ex boyfriend of four years coming to visit me for 10 days. BU December 2011

[Rexcat84]

I've posted in here once before about my break up and working on getting back together. A little summary is that we broke up in December 2011 after almost 4 years together. He took a job in another city and we had done several stints of long distance in the past. I wanted him to remain in the city that we were living for another year since I had followed him there a couple years earlier and had a good chunk of grad work completed. He felt he needed to start his career with a good job that was offered in his hometown. For several months before he moved, he postponed making the decision to stay or go, and only made it a week before he left. The whole thing loomed over us for a number of months, causing alot of stress. He wanted to stay together, but I decided we should break up.

 

I was angry and so was he, we barely talked (maybe three times on the phone) for almost 5 months. JUst when I started to feel like I was getting my life together and back on track we had an emotional skype date (him crying to me that he missed me a lot). I then attended a conference (which I had up until the skype date debated on whether to go to or not.. i had no idea if he had moved on, if he was dating, etc) in his hometown and we spent some time together, deciding that we would work on our communication and friendship while remaining exclusive to one another. Over the past few months I have really spent time thinking about what a solid relationship should look like, and my own actions that were impeding that. I feel every week that passes by I have an improved outlook.

 

I have clearly iterated to him what I felt I was missing in the relationship. Over the summer we spent time talking on the phone, and on skype. At first it was difficult because we were both angry. In august we met up again with friends for a few day music festival. We had a bit of quality time, and it was clear we still cared, and flirted a bit. He was in tears when I was leaving to go home (Ive never seen him cry unless its to do with me). SO now to the present. He's coming to visit me for 10 days starting Saturday. I've asked that we make a decision to either start a life together or end things completely while he's here. He's agreed, and said that he's still unsure, but we'll see how the trip goes. I'm nervous obviously, but I like myself and how I act towards him and others so much more now than a year ago, and have also developed such great friendships during the break up, so I feel like I should have nothing to worry about.

 

I'm debating how close and how open I should get with him, but maybe I'll just try not to think too much and see how things go. Any advice would be nice. Anyways I also just wanted to share this story with those of you posting in the getting back together section. Its been a long, but educational 10 months and thing with him are STILL unsure. But I think if you want to get back together with your ex, finding yourself is what really needs to be done.

[camus154]

10 days is a long time to visit with an ex without having any clear goals or expectations established beforehand. You hope to walk away from this visit with a decision made as to whether you get back together or part ways for good, but simultaneously question how open you should be with him and suggest that you'll just "see how things go".

 

I think what will realistically happen is you'll both reconnect, probably become intimate, and at the end find yourselves right back where you started--emotionally confused and unsure of how to proceed. If I'm reading your history correctly, you broke up not because of incompatibility but rather due to logistics and distance; I don't quite see how you expect to overcome such obstacles by gauging how well you reconnect during a visit? It seems like the conversation you should be having is whether one or both of you is willing to move to be together again, and/or how long you're willing to support a long distance relationship, if at all. This is the conversation you'll ultimately have to have regardless of how well a visit goes, unless I'm misunderstanding your situation.

[klin]

I think the best way to go is to take things as they come - to be yourself. In the interactions I've had with my ex since the BU, the best ones have been where we just are who we are. He has told me that he thinks/thought it would be awkward seeing/talking to each other (probably because he's the one who broke it off and feels guilty), but we ended on friendly enough terms (I was/am heartbroken, but there's no hatred between us). When we did see each other,though, it wasn't awkward - we had a really good dynamic for a long time, and I think that you'll usually always keep that unless things ended really messily...y'know? Overthinking always makes it a bit more complicated than it needs to be. Just do what you're comfortable with. Sorry for being so wordy!

 

 

For the record, these were my favourite parts:

 

"Over the past few months I have really spent time thinking about what a solid relationship should look like, and my own actions that were impeding that. I feel every week that passes by I have an improved outlook."

"I like myself and how I act towards him and others so much more now than a year ago, and have also developed such great friendships during the break up, so I feel like I should have nothing to worry about."

"I think if you want to get back together with your ex, finding yourself is what really needs to be done."

 

My aunt told me a while ago, "a good relationship and/or marriage is based upon two whole people who are united - not two halves hoping to complete each other." If you're strong and confident and whole as an individual, you bring that into your relationship (and vice versa). It sounds like you've grown up a lot and have more clarity in the situation which is awesome. I hope this time goes well for you - that it brings clarity and security in whatever your decision may be. Good luck!

[markie6]

The obstacle before was the distance , it's still going to be the distance ... and he is still unsure... While I seriously hope you prove me wrong , I can see this going pear shaped as none of the issues have been resolved. Now I have been in 2 LDR.. and by distance I mean plane and 4 hours train, not an hour away that some people balk at. It is hard , you know this and have come so far to get to the happier place you are in now. If you go in with no expectations of any resolution , I fear the worst. Love can conquer the distance, but do you both want it badly enough ?

 

 

good luck though

[Rexcat84]

Thanks all for your advice. I don't have all the answers, or I wouldn't be posting here. I feel that if not clear resolution and plan to achieve a non LDR is proposed and agreed upon, then yes we will have to go our separate ways. But thank you for helping to drive it home to me.