I may get hurt but...

[Hereiamagain]

Quick review

Together 4 years

Engaged 1 year

Broke up 10 months ago

I try to win her back - all the things everyone says you shouldn't do. Flowers, letters, text messages, etc.

Her response is consistent "I love you too but I can't do it again"

No Contact for last 3 months

Last three text messages initiated by her. One to say she passed my contact information on to a mutual business contact. One to congratulate me on my new job (through mutual sources she found out 2 hours before even I was notified I had been selected). And of course the obligatory happy birthday text. I ignored all three.

I have not even come close to being over her. I still love her despite everything.

 

Ok now the question. The last two weeks I feel like I am being pulled to her. She is in my thoughts more than ever. I feel the need to reach out. I know the risk. I know I can get hurt. I know this could set back my healing process. But if you truly love someone, if you truly believe that she is the one, and yes I know many of you think there is no such thing as the one, but I believe in soulmates and I believe she is truly my soulmate so indulge my line of thinking for just a moment, shouldn't you throw caution to the wind and knowing you may get hurt give it that one last try rather than risk a lifetime of wondering what if I tried just one more time.

 

Should I try and save us one more time.

[FreeFallFeelin]

Go for it. You don't need other people to give you the go ahead. You know the risks, and if you're willing to accept the consequences, then do it. I think the chances of it working out are almost zero (unless she actually gave you indications that she wants to get back together), but if you need to reach out to her one more time just to find out for sure, then go for it. You don't want to live the rest of your life wondering.

[Loveandlost]

yep might as well go for it. no regrets.

[Vigilant]

Good question.

 

From my experience... it's best to not contact. HOWEVER I did contact one last time to wish her well and to leave the door open in case she ever did want to talk to me again. (I had previously told her I wouldn't be speaking with her until I could handle it.) But she knows I'm moving forward with my life, and I'm not waiting on her. That course of action settled it for me; I was satisfied that I had not cut her out of my life, but left myself free to pursue my own path. I will be satisfied if I never hear from her again, because I gave the relationship everything I had (Given my knowledge and experience of relationships at the time.) It's her call now, and I have closure.

 

I would ask yourself these questions before you go through with contacting her- how much have you worked on yourself since the BU? Would you be able to live without her, and be happy without her (even if it takes a while)? How much do you think she has worked on herself? Do you think anything will have changed from pre BU if you guys got back together? Are you reaching out to her more out of your own loneliness, as opposed to anything else?

 

If you're uncertain about any of these, I would say give it more time. If you need closure, (or just to stave off the urge to reach out) I always recommend handwriting a letter to her, then not sending it. Store it away or destroy it. Or post on ENA, there's a thread for just such an occasion- "Post here instead of contacting your ex!"

[markie6]

Never let the internet strangers put you off , we will of course still be here should return..with good news .. or bad

 

good luck

[T99]

Argh I've been thinking of doing the sme but expected everyone's advice to be not to do it!

[shessofly]

3 months is a good period of nc. i hope it goes well for you. good luck. why did you split?

[Hereiamagain]

3 months is a good period of nc. i hope it goes well for you. good luck. why did you split?

If I had to try and pinpoint it I would say lack of communication. Like all couples we had the honeymoon period then there was some turbulence, we just didn't communicate through it. I was foolish enough to believe that love alone would get us through the rough times but love or no love you have to communicate. I believe we really could be great together if we just gave it another chance.

[camus154]

If I had to try and pinpoint it I would say lack of communication. Like all couples we had the honeymoon period then there was some turbulence, we just didn't communicate through it. I was foolish enough to believe that love alone would get us through the rough times but love or no love you have to communicate. I believe we really could be great together if we just gave it another chance.

 

It's telling when people believe they are soulmates but still have to say "if we just had one more chance, it would be perfect". Well, why wasn't it perfect the first time around? If you're soulmates, that means you're literally meant to be together. But you were together, and it didn't work out.

 

So you say love isn't enough, you have to have good communication, too. I agree, but if love isn't enough to ensure a successful relationship, then why bring up the soulmate thing in the first place? What value does thinking you're soulmates have if it can be dashed by something as simple as effective communication?

 

See what I'm getting at here?

[markie6]

The OP is so far out of the life raft already , it seemed pointless trying to pull him back in. You on the other hand haven't managed 3 months NC .. In fact that's about the amount of time you have been broken up , how much NC have you done , has your head cleared ?

 

If the OP didn't seem so set on it already I would be advising against but. I would advise you to keep to your nc

 

sorry op not trying to derail your thread

Argh I've been thinking of doing the sme but expected everyone's advice to be not to do it!

[Zero71]

I say go for it. Sure you might get hurt but you never will know the truth all the same. It's better to be hurt but know you tried your best than to regrets. Just make sure you go in with your eyes wide open of negative outcome.

[Hereiamagain]

It's telling when people believe they are soulmates but still have to say "if we just had one more chance, it would be perfect". Well, why wasn't it perfect the first time around? If you're soulmates, that means you're literally meant to be together. But you were together, and it didn't work out.

 

So you say love isn't enough, you have to have good communication, too. I agree, but if love isn't enough to ensure a successful relationship, then why bring up the soulmate thing in the first place? What value does thinking you're soulmates have if it can be dashed by something as simple as effective communication?

 

See what I'm getting at here?

 

No disrespect but you have the concept, at least my concept, of soul mates all wrong. Someone can be your soulmate but that doesn't mean you don't have to work at your relationship. Two people can be perfect for each other, they could have been destined to be together but if they take that for granted and stop working at their relationship no matter how much they were meant to be together they will fail.

 

A soulmate is having that connection to someone that will always be there. If your relationship falters that connection for some means leaving the light on so the other person can find their way back home. For others that connection is thinking back to "the one that got away" that person that no matter who you are with, no matter how many years have passed and no matter where you are you can't shake that feeling deep in your heart that you were supposed to have been with them. Read through these threads, there are quite a few soul mates out there.

 

In life we won't all be lucky enough to meet our soulmate, for others we won't be lucky enough to hold on to them and for others they'll be lucky enough to grow old with theirs. Hope you find and grow old with yours.

[Hereiamagain]

The OP is so far out of the life raft already , it seemed pointless trying to pull him back in. You on the other hand haven't managed 3 months NC .. In fact that's about the amount of time you have been broken up , how much NC have you done , has your head cleared ?

 

If the OP didn't seem so set on it already I would be advising against but. I would advise you to keep to your nc

 

sorry op not trying to derail your thread

 

Let me preface this by saying in no way is this meant disparage or insult anyone. Advice given here in most cases is given with the best of intentions and has helped me and countless others. But what is important to remember is that there is more than one answer.

 

No contact has its place, it gives us a time to reflect on our failed relationship, to heal from the breakup and to improve ourselves so if we do or don't get back together with our ex we will be a better person. But it is not the end all be all. Just read the threads here and truly see the many of us still suffering after months of no contact, to see those who talk about how they are doing great months after the break up only to see them fall apart again at the slightest thing that has to do with their ex.

 

I'm not here to say reaching out that one last time is for everyone, it's not. But is it ridiculous to say that reaching out one more time, for those who it is for, even if they they may get hurt, isn't the right thing to do. Should you stay in the "life boat" if the life boat has a leak in it. Life in general is about taking risks if you play it safe all the time you may never have to worry about losing your cubicle but you will never get that corner office either. Maybe in reaching out you will get your heart broken into a million pieces - AGAIN- Maybe reaching out will bring you the closure you thought you had but didn't and maybe just maybe reaching out will bring you and your ex back together. You never know but you'll never know if you don't take that risk.

[Ms Darcy]

I think the soulmate discussion is a bit irrelavant. She is gone and you have to learn to accept it.

 

I say, because I care about you, that you need to STOP asking her for one more chance. SHE KNOWS you want one more chance; you have asked her numerous times. She has chosen to live her life without you and you have to go about the business of acceptance.

 

People call me mean when I tell them to stop dwelling. In my own break-up and healing situations, the biggest factor in my healing was - along with acceptance - choosing not to ruminate on the 'what ifs' and 'whys.' The less I ruminate, the easier I accept it, and yes even move on.

 

We make the mistake (myself included) of saying "Time will heal." Well, that's not true. There are cases on this board where people are still hurting two, three, four years after a breakup. It is not time that heals, it is space. You are still actively engaged in believing you can get her back.

 

You cannot and will not heal unless you let yourself.

 

And healing is accepting that the relationship is over. Accepting that her decision does not make you a bad person. Accepting your life without him as one full of great potential. "Healing" is a process of the mind. It is all within you and has always been. It's the SPACE you give yourself to accept and move on. For many people time and limited/no contact really facilitates this process. But for some, where the desire to hold on to the past for dear life is strongest, the need for more conscious healing is in order.

 

So, I would suggest lots of things (none of which is to say you are bad/damaged):

 

1. Therapy

2. Journalling (not about him but about your own self-worth)

3. Cut off contact with her

4. Don't read any books about "Getting an ex back"

5. Exercise regularly

6. Start practicing meditation

7. Read "From Abandonment to Healing"

8. Ensure you are sleeping properly

9. Delete your facebook account (if she's on it)

10. Choose 4-5 positive mantras you would be willing to repeat to yourself for 10 minutes every morning

 

Good luck.

[camus154]

No disrespect but you have the concept, at least my concept, of soul mates all wrong. Someone can be your soulmate but that doesn't mean you don't have to work at your relationship. Two people can be perfect for each other, they could have been destined to be together but if they take that for granted and stop working at their relationship no matter how much they were meant to be together they will fail.

 

That's not really the point, though. People going through break ups toss about the "soulmate" stuff because of their emotions--they haven't come to terms with their relationship being over yet, so they imagine they were "meant to be" with the ex, even though all evidence points to the contrary. Again, what good does talking about soulmates do when the reality is, you're not together? It has zero explanatory power, it offers no new perspective to the matter....in other words, you might as well talk about how you both loved the same type of food. It's inconsequential to the matter at hand.

 

Regardless, perhaps you need to reflect on your own words regarding this situation:

 

They played us for a fool and we trusted them with our hearts and then they broke them, left them in a million pieces. We used to believe in love now we're simply bitter unwilling to ever open up our hearts to anyone ever again like we did for them for fear of getting hurt again. *

 

On the other hand they have no problem firing off the occasional text to us. *They don't need to heal from a lie, their heart is just fine. *Just checking to see how you're doing, happy birthday, ran into so and so they said to tell you hi. *Any thing at all or just because they're bored is a reason to text us. *Yep no problem to talk to us at all. *

 

This is what you told us in your last thread. I would advise you to keep those words in mind before you rush off to contact her again.

[FreeFallFeelin]

The idea of a "soulmate" just seems like a Hollywood fantasy to me. It implies a grand super-natural scheme at work (okay, lots of people do believe this). But for the rest of us (non religious types) it just seems hokey (not trying to offend anyone). What if your definition of soulmate changes, or like in your case your soulmate changed and decided that you weren't her soulmate? Is it destiny, or is it just humans caught up in the intoxication of love that makes them believe the illusion?