IS it wrong that your girlfriend keeps a certain distance?

[enzarto]

girlfriend jacey of 3 months went to the hospital and didnt want me to be there. however we have known each other since january as friend (till may), and spend a lot of time together, i feel like i've changed (matured) being influenced by her as a friend and a partner, even in the short period of time. if i went to the hospital and didn't want her there, it would break her heart. i was in tears on the phone with her when she told me. i understand that as a partner she wants to feel pretty for me. but its not always going to be that way, i've definintely felt, not so manly, and had to surrender my pride to let her in on personal things about my life. i want to be there for emotional support, even if she doesn't feel so attractive. she has endometriosis, and requires treatment once in a while. we had sex the night before and had a lot of pain the next day. (if anyone doesn't know what the condition is, it basically has to do with uteral-lining pain, espeically during hormonal influences, like the menstrual cycle).

 

okay so 2 questions, she pushed to have sex because she struggles with her condition and i kept resisting, because i know her period was coming up and she would be in pain b/c of her endometriosis. she even knew, but she struggles very much with this and it really bothers her that the little time we have to spend time, we can't have sex because of her condition. she's usually the resistant one and i feel that we have enough sex, and i hate, absolutely hate seeing her in pain, espeicaly when it has something to do with me (like us having sex) was it wrong that i gave in and had sex with her?

 

the second question i think is where i'm really curious, i know she has the right to let me be there or not be tehre for her. i argued that me being there for her was a way for us to grow together and help each other with our challenges. was it wrong (selfish maybe) for her to not let me know what was going on, or let me be there for her? or is there something wrong with my thinking right now? much had to stay the night at the hospital? (in all fairness she told me afterwards, but she didn't

let me go wait in the waiting room at the hospital at least)

 

i want to point out i'm understading, it could take time to share these things. and it isn't my right to know (unless eg, she's pregnant with me). she may not be ready, also it could be a little embarrassing.

thx

[luminousone]

I wouldn't take it personally - due to the personal nature of her condition, she simply may not feel up to having ANYone around. My ex Father in Law is like that. He does not want to be bothered when he is sick and wants to be left alone. On the other hand, my MIL loves to be pampered! So it just depends on the person. You need to respect who she is.

 

However, you can send her flowers and a stuffed animal. Send her texts with silly updates and jokes to lighten the mood. Take pictures of empty chairs showing you are missing her... Set an extra place at the table and take a picture and send that to her... Send her links to "missing you" type songs... be creative.

 

As far as the sex issue, she is a big girl and makes her own decisions. If she was the initiator, and you mentioned your concerns, and yet she still proceeded - then she takes responsibility for her own body. Too bad it ended in pain though...

[Ms Darcy]

Was it selfish or wrong of her not to let you be there? No. I don't even understand why you would think that was selfish. It is selfish of you, in my humble opinion, to want to be present when someone is in a vulnerable state and does not want you there. Then you are thinking more of your ego than her emotional needs. You can make the offer, but don't pressure her into doing something she does not want.

 

I would say that you should never agree to sex if you don't feel comfortable. Stay true to yourself.

[enzarto]

Was it selfish or wrong of her not to let you be there? No. I don't even understand why you would think that was selfish. It is selfish of you, in my humble opinion, to want to be present when someone is in a vulnerable state and does not want you there. Then you are thinking more of your ego than her emotional needs. You can make the offer, but don't pressure her into doing something she does not want.

 

I would say that you should never agree to sex if you don't feel comfortable. Stay true to yourself.

 

i think you have this confused. this has nothign to do with my ego. i was seriously just worried. i dont think its selfish to want to be there for someone. i also didn't pressure her, i do agree that it is selfish to go without there permission. that is wrong

[Ms Darcy]

i think you have this confused. this has nothign to do with my ego. i was seriously just worried. i dont think its selfish to want to be there for someone. i also didn't pressure her, i do agree that it is selfish to go without there permission. that is wrong

 

I am not confused. I just have a different opinion. If you are worried about her, how can you help her while she is there unless you are a medical professional. Your offering would be emotional support. If your presence would cause her more emotional anguish than support, then it is actually hurting her.

 

Also, I didn't say you pressured her. I said don't pressure her.

[becomingkate]

i argued that me being there for her was a way for us to grow together and help each other with our challenges. was it wrong (selfish maybe) for her to not let me know what was going on, or let me be there for her?

 

Since you've only been going out for three months, I think you need to listen to her and let the relationship develop naturally. I doubt she's being selfish - and I bet she'll let you know when she needs your support.

[enzarto]

she felt she was being selfish afterwards. i told her that she would invite me when she was comfortable.