I woke up angry today.

[klin]

He was a jerk to me. However nice he was about it, however much he sugarcoated his words, however sweet and honest he tried to be, it was a totally selfish and awful move. What makes it okay to pretend that you're in love? What makes it okay to not give me a chance to talk with you about it? What makes it okay to just phase ME out? That HE gets the chance to do that? That HE gets to cut off contact? What makes it okay to watch me BAWL my effing eyes out and he crawls into a bawl because he can't look at how he hurt me?! HM? Because you're insecure? Because you need time to grow up? Because you want to be more "independent"?! Eff that. I didn't smother. I didn't. I wanted to spend time with a man that was supposed to love me, and I'lll be honest, it's hard to call him a man. Brandon said at the wedding that he felt that Ben was one of the most mature guys he's ever know. He's insecure and selfish and confused and what a terrible thing to just throw away his girlfriend of forever especially after leading her into thinking that they were getting married. I am crying tears of anger and I just want to hit him. I want to shake him. I want to be so angry. I feel so misled and abused and betrayed. What makes it okay to convince me that you hadn't loved me in a while?! WHAT MAKES THAT ANY FORM OF OKAY?! Jjerk. Don't convince yourself that you pretended to love somebody. Even if you didn't have fun sometimes, you weren't entitled to the Ben Show constantly. And if you were unhappy, you should have said something about it instead of burying yourself in unmet needs and desires until you were CONVINCED that it wasn't possible. Don't tell me that I, alone or in a team, can't do something. It was possible and you gave up like a selfish little child. Y I SO badly want him to ask for me back so I can say that. So I can say that he just threw my heart out like it didn't matter because he wanted to figure himself out for a while...figure yourself out? Figure yourself out while I cried myself to sleep for a month? While I moved to a new city and new house and had to redefine my entire outlook on my future?! Yeah, whatever. Whatever that was okay. I didn't even get areason, and everything happens for a reason. Unhappiness is caused by somethign and I didn't get a chance to make you happy. That's bull and I am angry and I get my anger. At least it's better than depression and bargaining with myself. I was awesome, I was totally and completely awesome and he can't have that anymore. Not that it's any consolation if he doesn't want it, but I hope someday he has a twinge of thought about how this made me feel and how unfair it was to be so selfish about everything. To tell me that HE was too hurt to see me, to tell me that HE was awkward talking to me, to tell me that HE needed time to process. Ughhhhh. OR he can be with a girlfriend who has lots of qualities that I don't have but is a dense idiot who he can't share his feelings with at all - who doesn't try to get to know him in that way. Am I a bad person for writing this? No. Why? Because I am broken hearted and in love with him and he gave up on me and doesn't have a clue about why. I fell like it would have been one thing if we had figured it wouldn't work together - usually when one person is having a bad time, the other one is too. And this summer was hard, and it sucked, but it wasn't over, and it's not fair that you convinced yourself of it in the week you decided it was too hard...the week that I wrote my final exam and worked over 50 hours - whatever it had nothing to do with not spending enough alone time together. Whatever for there being nothing to be figured out.

[Deejmonster]

Feel better now? Everyone needs a person to vent to... luckily, you have about 100 people that will hear your story here... would you like to share the story of what happened? We are here for you!

[SAButterfly]

I know those feelings. Shock, confusion, anger. They're completely normal. You were left without closure- you wanted to work on things and he didn't. There's nothing you can do about it now but try to pick up the pieces and move on. Easier said than done, but it's the only way. Now, stop looking at the future that you thought you were going to have and focus on the present. Who knows what's going to happen today? Hang in there.

[Limiya]

I'm in your boat too.

Dropped after being promised for 6 years that he loved me and wanted to marry me and have kids etc.

Then suddenly drops me out of thin air and i didn't see it coming.

 

They are very selfish you're right. And i'm angry too.

I deserved more consideration as did you.

 

Vent away girl. That's what this board is for.

 

Limiya

[klin]

@Deejmonster - I've posted a few things about our/my story - if you're curious, feel free to look. It's fairly detailed. In all honesty, he was good about it. He wasn't immature - he loved me until he felt that he couldn't anymore, and that scared the crap out of him, so he broke it off. It's upsetting because I'm a person who is strong and wants to fight and I want(ed) him so bad. It's hard to lose all control - to have no decision be my own. Obviously I do have the choice to pick myself up and work on what makes me happy - I am bitter, though, that he didn't wanna be a team. Sigh.

 

Thanks for all of your listening ears. I really appreciate it.

 

For the record, I am feeling a bit better. I had a class with a friend of mine and treated myself to a latte and am working on homework. I usually wake up sad/numb/apathetic, but today I just needed to mentally scream for a while. It's really really really nice having this forum because I don't need to scare my friends or burden my ex, but I still know that there are people to listen/sympathize/really know what I'm going through.