growth or regression?

[deejay74]

hello again. I have posted in ENA for other things recently but I feel like I am still going through some funk and I am trying hard to stay positive.

 

here's some background: I'm from the DC area and lived in NYC for 8 years. I moved back 2 years ago. I had a lot of friends when I left but now, I have a few. During my time in NYC, I grew a lot as a person and I've changed for the better, in my opinion. I feel that I had matured and gained a new perspective on life. However, when I moved back, hardly any of my old friends reconnected with me. Some I reached out to when I got back, some I didn't. Most of these friends I kept in touch via Facebook but I removed myself from there. I noticed that a lot of them are still the same, meaning they haven't grown or matured and still act childishly or they're stuck in their old ways.

 

While I was in NYC, I had cancer but now I am better. I didn't need surgery, thankfully. A couple of months ago, a dear friend of mine had gotten diagnosed with cancer as well. He needed surgery before chemo and radiation. After his surgery and before he started chemo/rad, which was just a couple of weeks ago, he was telling everyone he was cancer free. That really concerned me because, in my experience and from what I know about cancer, you can't be sure it's totally gone until you're finished with chemo/rad and after you get a PT scan on your body to make sure it's all gone. I was concerned he was celebrating prematurely. So I called him up and I was very careful with my words because I know how sensitive the situation is. I asked him if he is sure he's cancer free and if his doctors told him so because, as i said, in my experience, we weren't sure until after chemo/rad. I also told him that I know our cancers are different and the treatment will be a little different. I kept asking if his doctors told him he was cancer free. All I wanted for him was not to get too upset or disappointed if the doctors told him he's not done yet. We had a mutual friend go through cancer and celebrated prematurely and I didn't want my friend to go through the same.

 

Well, apparently I really upset him and now he thinks I'm an insensitive, selfish, *****. This couldn't be further from the truth. Now, I fear, he is telling our mutual friends how insensitive and selfish I am.

 

I worked hard on myself during my time in NYC. I know, in my heart, I have changed for the best and I know I am not finished.

 

However, it feels like in the 2 years I've been back in my home town, I've regressed a bit but I can't tell. Everyone around me seems so negative. I feel like people misunderstand me a lot. I only have a handful of friends now. I've had a failed relationship and no success on the dating sites I've been on. I've joined link removed and can't find groups that I am interested in. My job is in jeopardy and I am not having any luck finding something in-line with what I do (I work in Apple IT and jobs like this in the DC are very few). I worked really hard to get to my level and the only positions that are being offered to me are below my skill level.

 

Long ago, I used to play the victim and blamed everyone else for my problems. Now, it almost feels that way again but I really believe that I am the one who grew up and matured while everyone else down here stayed the same (regarding my friends). So, in essence, I am blaming them.

 

In order to keep this short, I'll stop here. But, does this sound like I've regressed? My goal in life is to keep learning and changing for the best. I try my best to stay positive and to stay focused, but it's really hard these days. Is it possible that if someone makes positive changes in their lives about themselves, can those around them who keep doing the same thing take it the wrong way?

[Xylitol]

It's easier to stay happy on the beach then in hell, the environment plays a BIG part on how you feel, react and your general mood, so in a sense it might mean that you have been throwing yourself back in your old circle and picking up old bad habits instead of moving forward in life like you had been for those 2 years. I personally had the idea you'd be happier in silicone valley then in NYC , there's more sunshine and dynamic people there as well making the mood a lot better. I am like asking myself, what are you doing back in NYC to begin with? Was there anything to gain there, or did you go back there because you are used to the area, or you having emotional attachments?

 

I think you should realize that you are the one who is responsible for maintaining relationships, if you walk out for 2 years, is it surprising everyone has moved on? I think you are emotionally attached because you were expecting them to wait for 2 years on you, no? I can understand were that feeling comes from tho, everyone needs love and attention, however i think you need to understand that you are responsible to take care of your own life and be emotionally independent and have a life of your own to live, and just to see the other people in your life as accessories that add something nice to your life.

 

I don't think your old circle of friends have anything more to attribute to your life, you have moved beyond them, you 'i think' are better off in a different environment in terms of professionality and career wise.

 

But the friend with cancer is a problem, as well as your approach towards people. You should call him and apologize, say something like , i apologize for what i wanted to say didn't come out at all in the way that i wanted to say it, i meant something completely different, i wanted to make sure you didn't get that disease again that's why i wanted you to get some check-ups afterwards, but apparently i said it in a completely wrong way so i apologize for that.

 

Also a sensitive approach doesn't work with men, men are direct creatures, they basically say what they mean instead of going around in circles like females do in order not to hurt people. This is the reason why your friend didn't understand what you were saying, so be direct to males, and indirect to females.