i feel like I'm going crazy

[volvic]

i've posted before, lots of stuff. Times when I was suicidal, i got off meds, though suicidal thoughts do come the urges are not nearly as strong.

 

I was in treatment for a year a while back. When I went there I was in shut down mode, everything was numb and though depressed I was in that spot where I just wasn't feeling much. Had a huge eating disorder, which worked to self medicate, It kept feelings from getting too overwhelming. At the eating disorder center I was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety and depression. I couldn't easily cry and rarely did. I felt like I wanted to but nothing came out. So sometimes to relieve pressure I cut. Problem was, I think they couldn't not help me much because everything was blocked off in my mind. my childhood was a blank, my college years a blank. I knew upsetting stuff had happened but could not actually look at it directly. I knew technically what happened at college but it was like far away. I feel like i really needed to work on those but couldn't, emotional and cognitive constipation. There were high anxiety moments that come like sudden storms. There were flashbacks that would come and fade, leaving just depression and pain. I still get those though maybe not as frequently. It was much worse about six months ago. Then I would wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding or just really upset.

 

I remember more about my younger years now. I remember being emotionally abused and some physical abuse. I get frustrated because my mom was blind to a lot of it while it was happening, until my dad cheated and she had a mental breakdown. Now she believes me more when I talk about my dad, just not about my brothers. I have two older brothers. I grew up in what I believed was a misogynistic family. My middle brother was insecure about his height. My parents would have me and him (as kids) line up back to back and then they'd praise him about how tall he was. I always felt mildly disappointed, why wasn't I tall? Then one day I was taller. My parents scolded me when I showed my pleasure of finally getting to be the tall one. They never did that again. I realized that they were using me to boost my brother's self esteem. And I noticed it in a lot of ways. My brother would come up to me and tell me that "I'm smarter than you, I'm stronger than you, you can't compete with me." or "Girl's are inferior to boys, that is just how it is."

 

He would play small petty power games with me. Making big deals about how I couldn't borrow his things, even if when bought it was agreed to be shared, though he would walk into my room without asking me and take things he wanted. He burned manga books because he did not want me to be able to read them. I had made noise about it since when they were bought with the understanding that they were for both of us to use. He burned tapes too. When no one else is around he gets physical and much more nasty. I got upset because last time this happened was a few months ago. He had started getting very physical, when no one else was around. It was like when we were kids, except... we are no longer kids. he is very muscular (used to be a wrestler) and can hurt me. I can't push him away when he puts his face an inch away from mine and uses intimidating body language where he gets close. if i push him away it becomes fair game to get much more violent because then I technically "hit" him and he was "defending" himself. He is fine if I act like i see him as superior or with admiration. He is *****ly. I am *****ly but I don't get violent. I control myself, and I feel very upset when I set boundaries "brother you are getting physical stop." he ignores them "make me."

 

I decided I no longer want anything to do with him. But my family brushes it over like they always seem to do, and then they pressure me to not do that. They are fine in telling me to stay away when my brother doesn't want to be near me, which is fine, if he doesn't want to hang out that is his problem. But it becomes and issue if I do it. I feel they want to protect his pride. It is okay for him to treat me a certain way, but I can't do anything. My other brother constantly says small hurtful things. or really hurtful things, smiles while he does it. My family is used to it and just lets it go by. My brother is not having a fight with me or anything, it is just the way he talks to me. Whether it is about my weight and how fat i am (until i got an eating disorder then he would talk about how he never thought I was fat and how that stuff isn't what he said ever.) how my bra (he sees the strap) is too young, like a trainer bra, and I should wear something more fit for a grown up woman. i think that is ridiculous, I wear normal underwear, I'm assuming he thinks normal bra's are lacy and patterned because he is a good looking guy and probably that is all he sees when he sleeps with girls.

 

Mostly he tells me that I act and believe in shallow things, he doesn't actually know my thoughts on the subjects he just assumes they must be shallow. We haven't spent time together and he does not know me. He also tries to bully me when I try to get involved in the company that my family is related too. he encourages my middle brother to join, and does everything he can to try to make me feel unwelcome and like everyone is judging me. I get really angry because he does not have a right to do that. I have every right to work there.

 

I remember sitting in the car for hours going to their various soccer practices and games, wrestling matches etc. My dad is driving. Those are my weekends. I remember going to my swim meets and being alone. Girls are not valued. I remember being wet from practice, my dad is mad he has to pick me up and screams at me, dragging me from the car.

 

I remember my elder brother dragging me back and forth accross the floor by my leg. I scream and tell him "Leave me alone" he does not. When he is distracted I run to an empty bedroom and barely shut and lock the door in time, he bangs on the door and scolds me.

 

I remember my brother doing some wrestling move on my arm during an argument. I collapse on the ground and cry, he crouches down and stares, memorizing every detail. It was a status thing for him. I had pain in that elbow for years.

 

Things are fuzzy but I remember pleading, yelling, sobbing, "leave me alone, leave me alone, why can't you just leave me alone."

 

Things used to be worse, before I was able to be independent of my dad. He couldn't control me anymore. I speak to him, he is much more respectful. Sometimes he invites my brothers and I to go on trips. i don't think I want to go on them, I feel worried I'll be put into a position where I will be under his control and he will be abusive. I remember hanging out in the car, the boys would talk with my dad. It was like I was invisible, if I spoke everyone ignored it. Even if I was in mid sentence a brother would cut me off, everyone would respond to what the brother said, it was if I didn't exist. Then they say it was my fault if I complained about it.

 

I am worried and angry and feeling helpless because my brothers are I feel a negative influence in my life and do not respect me as a person or respect my boundaries. And I don't know how to avoid them. My family gets together, I love my grandparents, but my eldest brother, well after I'm around him I feel like killing myself a lot more than I do before. I want to avoid him. I want to not have them in my life. The worst is I don't have anyone to listen, no one can hear me (well I do have friends but i don't trust them enough with any of this)/ My brothers are very charismatic, cruel when no one can see them. I feel trapped and upset. I feel like my world is crazy, I feel like I get abused and then told it is all in my head. I feel like I live in a mad world. I want to get out.