*Silently ANGRY*

[MsUndrstood]

Well,where should I start!? Ever since I could remember,I've always had conflicts with people "telling" me what to do. It didn't really have an effect until I reached 20 and it's only gotten worse. I'm now 22! I hold almost everything in just because no one understands me and it's no point in talking if your just going to listen! I find myself getting angry all the time ! Mostly in business situations. I constantly feel like I'm being picked on,judged,and treated unfairly! And when someone tells me to do something instead of asking me I go bunkers! But you would never be able to tell because I bite my tongue and hold it in. I do things out of spite instead thinking I will hurt the other person. Once I've had enough depending on the person I will say things with the intention of hurting their feelings but then afterwards I feel really awful and I have to apologize. It's weird I feel like I'm crazy or I need anger management or something. I feel like I won't ever be able to work at a normal job without getting really angry and wanting to hit below the belt. I recognize the problem but I don't think I can fix it alone! I'm open to suggestions and constructive criticism .. one ex: happened today

Manager: hey Ashly your shirt looks a little dingy,you need to do something about that!

Me: (smiling) oh,yes for sure! (walks away feeling extremely angry,starts slamming doors and thinking of bad things I want to do and say) please help me change my ways thank you!

[volvic]

This is what helped me sometimes.

 

using "I feel" statements. For instance "I feel uncomfortable when you make comments on my clothes. Please don't do that." If he or she doesn't stop then she or he looks like a jerk. Of course sometimes those people may ignore it, that really sucks. But first step is always for me anyway, make an assertive statement. Assertive is different from passive (where you say nothing and let them treat you in a way you are uncomfortable with, you only respect other people's boundaries and not your own) and different from aggressive (where you are doing things that show your anger indirectly with spite or maybe angry words. you respect your boundaries but not other people's) Assertive means you set your boundaries, while respecting other people's boundaries.

 

well, lets back up.

 

First step. finding out how you feel/ perhaps why too (be honest about how you feel):

 

I feel upset, or angry, (because: blank)

 

second step, validating how you feel, because if you are angry you have a right to feel angry. Anger is not bad, it is a sign something has happened that caused you to be angry. Your anger is valid.

 

Third step, assert yourself (be honest about how you feel):

 

"I respect that you have your own opinions about me and my clothing, but I feel uncomfortable when you make those comments in front of me. Please do not do that."

 

They can say whatever the hell they want, that is their opinion. Those thoughts are not yours, they don't belong to you, those are their baggage and issues. Their rude issues, let it stay with them. They aren't family, they can't stick with you outside of work. You don't have any obligations to them at all. People will respect assertiveness, and they will treat you better, or they will be jerks. But often assertiveness wins respect. You know why girl's go after bad boys and not the nice guys? It is because bad boys show strength (thought it is often aggressive, and that can lead to unhealthy relationships). Nice guys are often passive. What is really admired is strength. Nice guys can finished first if they are assertive. That is strength, and strength that is more powerful than aggressive strength. Much more attractive. That is the ultimate guy for me anyway. I think that is what girls are hoping for. That is why they keep moving towards unhealthy aggressive guys, and get disappointed. THey are looking for that assertive nice guy.

 

 

 

 

Now this system doesn't always work. Sometimes people will be huge jerks who don't respect boundaries at all. Then you are screwed, but with normal people who aren't abusive this has a decent shot of working. With many people this works pretty well with me. I suggest trying it, anger lowers when it is treated with the kindness and respect it deserves. Anger is not bad, it is a signal. It is there to tell you something is wrong. This way I feel less angry afterwards. Maybe it will work for you too.

[volvic]

oh, regarding that people can say what they want. I think it is not unreasonable to ask them not to say it in front of you. That is your right I feel. You don't have to hear it. That said, not everyone is going to respect your request. But at least you can give it a try.

[meoww]

I kind of have the same problem and think you are doing well to recognize that maybe your anger could eventually surface and get in the way of your career.

 

When it comes to thinking nasty thoughts, I think you should try to replace that intense thought with a less intense one. Then, over time you won't be thinking, I wish I could slap her in the face right now, but something more along the lines of oh that really hurt my feelings and maybe there was a better way to express that.

 

Sometimes it just necessary to vent though and i often do this on my phone on video and it helps so much. It's just a private place for me to release my genuine frustration. I usually let it all hang out but lately I've been less angry, I think it's because I have been able express it fully.

 

Just try to focus on your own feelings, like do I feel ashamed, humiliated, taken advantage of, right now and try to pin point that first of all. Then you can find a healthy way to cope with those negative feelings.

 

As everyone else noted some people are just hurtful and you need to do everything you can not to get wrapped up in their issues.

I also think you start to notice other people's triggers and you'll have an easier time not doing stuff that inherently bothers them.

 

Hopefully we can both get through this, it gets me down sometimes too!

[MsUndrstood]

Thank you so much! It eases my mind to know that there ARE others like myself! I will definitely take in all advice and see if it helps!! @meoww

[MsUndrstood]

@Volvic I really appreciate you taking the time to view my post and lend advice! I am going to apply this starting now and see where I end up!