I snooped my gf's diary

[friday3v]

So, I've been feeling pretty horrible lately. About a week ago my girlfriend attended a wedding of a friend she has had for many many years. I was scheduled to go but since I've been doing a lot of traveling to see her, since the wedding was far, and since her friend was also close with her mom, she thought maybe her mom should go this time instead of me. I wanted to go but thought that this would be fine.

 

Anyway, after the wedding she gets back and she calls me crying and says "first off, let me just say nothing happened." She begins to tell me that there was this guy who was there that kept hitting on her and when she was leaving asked her if she wanted to stay the night at his hotel room, but she said no. This was really hard to hear, and she felt absolutely horrible about all of it because she was saying that maybe she unintentionally flirted with him or lead him on and that she must've done something to feel like she needed to call me. I believed all of this when she told me but it definitely still hurt to hear that the night went in such a manner that some guy thought he could actually sleep with my girlfriend that night.

 

Well, I visited her this past weekend and when she was out of the apartment I saw her journal. I know I shouldn't have looked at it, but I just hadn't been feeling too good or confident about the wedding incident the weekend before. Well, in it she wrote something like, "What a night, I had a lot of fun. A little too much. I sat at the table w/ so and so who was super hot and we flirted like crazy all night. We danced and he felt my body and kept staring at my lips. Oh my god. I wanted to do something with him and he asked me to stay the night, but I didn't because of my boyfriend. This is terrible. But now I can't stop thinking about it."

 

The next page read, "Good news. I text so and so from the wedding and basically said, 'I can't stop thinking about Saturday night. Please tell me you're an ******* or have a girlfriend?' I text him this at 4:30 and it's now 7:30 and he hasn't responded. Like usual, he just wanted sex. What if I would've lost what I had with my boyfriend for a guy who doesn't even text me back. Ridiculous! I'm glad I text though because now I have closure."

 

What she wrote scared the s*** out of me. The images of her and some guy dancing, I'm assuming bumping and grinding and the fact that she wanted to sleep with him just scare me. The thing is that I love this women a lot and the fact remains that she didn't cheat on me, but it hurts to know that she wanted to. I must say that I'm not completely blameless. Now I know you see people who you are attracted to and what not and there has even been a girl that I wanted to sleep with who I've text but it just never seems to go down like this. I know she feels horrible about it all and I may not be so mad except for the fact that she sent that text. Ugghhh. I've been feeling sick since I read this and now I don't know what to do. If I tell her that I snooped we are probably done for sure. But I also just can't get it out of my head that she was so attracted to some guy and was so close to sleeping with him. But then there is part of me that knows she had a chance to sleep with him and she didn't because she considered me. I don't know. But I can really use some help and some honest insights here. I could really use some advice more than "dump her or just break up with her." We've had an absolutely great relationship up until this. Please help. I'm struggling!

[RedDress]

So... do you still think that she went to the wedding with her mom? Do you think she flirted like crazy and bumped and grinded with this guy with her mom at the table as her "date"? Just curious because I'm not buying the whole "mom" story.

[SamiJayne]

I'd be honest. You should not have read her diary. You should have trusted her.

Yet she was a liar.But two wrongs don't make a right.

Own up to reading the diary, and see what happens. Make sure you take a lot of deep breaths.

Or stew on it for a while and think about it.

 

You obviously can NOT trust this girl. she told you a story that had a tiny bit of truth in, as she felt guilty. But she lied to you. Is this what you want hanging over your relationship ?

 

If I found out my husband had done this, I would not be posting on a forum! i'd be cutting his wriggly bits off! Lol

[somedaymaybe]

Mixed emotions here... I have to admit, I'd have read her diary too after what she told me. However, I would have some restored sense of trust in her after realizing that she DID NOT sleep with him. Sorry, I know my response is not really a good one.

[offplanet]

Isn't the fact that she didn't cheat on you at the wedding cancelled out by the fact that she then later texted him? What if he had texted back, then would she have cheated on you? And then, you also did the same thing previously, wanted to sleep with a girl, and texted her? Maybe you two cannot expect total fidelity from each other in the future!

[DreamingLife]

I am sorry this happened to you. You know my first gut reaction was that I couldn't believe this woman would think of dumping somebody she loves for someone she's just met who showed interest in her. Which made me ask if she really loves you. Her eyes are wondering, so she might not be feeling it in your relationship. Maybe it's just a road bump for her to realize that she's got everything she wants in you, or maybe something hasn't been going well with you two? and she's considering other options so to say.

 

The fact that she warped the truth alarms me. She might be scared that you'll leave if she told you the whole truth. The wine might have been flowing and she lost control of herself or maybe the guy was super smooth and that clouded her judgement. What I'm saying is that you'll never know unless you talk with her. Listen, I'd suggest taking a step back and figuring out if she's as commited to you as you are to her. Fess up to reading her diary, apologize and maybe tell her the reasons behind you reading it. And talk. Good luck!

[goblinshark]

I really don't understand how not responding for 3 hours is closure, and he just wanted sex. What's the ******* for anyways?

 

Back to the subject, however. All humans are sexual creatures. We will always be attracted to other people, even in a committed relationship. It's good that she shared her thoughts with you. If you think she could ever only be attracted to you and to you only, you're fooling yourself. She could've completely hidden the transgression from you, or slept with him. She cares about you and what you have together. Though she took it a bit too far, it still means a bit that she stopped herself even when directly confronted with a chance to cheat.

[gilmond]

You should own up to reading the diary, I know you don't want to but you should. Tell her you read it because you were feeling uneasy about the wedding and that you saw what she wrote about the guy and how she was attracted to him but then at the same time how she was glad nothing came of it because of what she would have lost with you. She won't trust you but that just comes with the territory of reading her diary. I had my ex living with me at the time when I read her diary and yes it was a mistake but like you things were just eatting me up inside and I couldn't take whether she was cheating on me or going to cheat on me but I came clean. We ended up living with each other for 7 months after that and it was a roller coaster of events but we did love each other very much. Just be honest with her she deserves it no matter what the outcome will be.

[MasterPo]

I would get tested. You don't know, you just don't and all the wishing and wondering isn't gonna prevent you from catching something. If you want to tell her that you read the journal, prepare for a fight and some eggshell walking. #$#$ is gonna get tense and who knows if what you have will survive it. Some studs can take it to the grave and some are gonna let the other guy situation eat them alive, the question is which one are you?

Good luck and I hope it all works out.

[Doc Blaze]

so she really didnt tell you the full truth about what happened...

 

and from what your saying she was the one who text messaged him am i correct?

 

then she said almost destroyed your relationship over a guy she met that day for one night?

 

 

so what makes you think she wont jump onto the next guy who sweet talks her and she has a good time with?

[Doc Blaze]

I really don't understand how not responding for 3 hours is closure, and he just wanted sex. What's the ******* for anyways?

 

Back to the subject, however. All humans are sexual creatures. We will always be attracted to other people, even in a committed relationship. It's good that she shared her thoughts with you. If you think she could ever only be attracted to you and to you only, you're fooling yourself. She could've completely hidden the transgression from you, or slept with him. She cares about you and what you have together. Though she took it a bit too far, it still means a bit that she stopped herself even when directly confronted with a chance to cheat.

 

how do you know she would of stopped..she contacted the guy after wards>? thats sketchy to me and would of probably been it for me..you tell your bf your sorry and then you contact the guy that you might of " unintentionally flirted with him or lead him on" ....doesnt sound like someone who is sorry to me..yeah she didnt cheat but the whole story thing and what she is telling OP doesnt look right

[Ms Darcy]

Isn't the fact that she didn't cheat on you at the wedding cancelled out by the fact that she then later texted him? What if he had texted back, then would she have cheated on you? And then, you also did the same thing previously, wanted to sleep with a girl, and texted her? Maybe you two cannot expect total fidelity from each other in the future!

 

This does not seem like much of a relationship to me. It is a huge breach of trust to read someone's diary. What gives you that right? I think if you are at that point where you have so little trust, it's time to end the relationship.

 

At the same time, you sound like you are being hypocritical. Um YOU have wanted to sleep with others and have texted girls. Suddenly when she does it it's wrong but you can? Hardly.

 

My advice is to break up. But at the very least tell her what you did and what you read.

[friday3v]

I really wish I could just bury this and not think about. But it just hurts. I haven't been able to eat much and I keep waking up at 4 am like clockwork. The biggest thing for me is that I've been doing everything I can in this relationship to make sure that she is ok and feeling alright. I've always tried to support her and to be there for her and yet she gets swooped up or caught in the moment so easily that in one night she feels the need to screw this guy so much that she then texts him a couple days after meeting him all the while telling me how much she loves me. I don't doubt that she loves me a lot. But at the same time I believe she thinks she should just be alone. She has had a lot of trust issues in the past because her dad was a deadbeat and because every other guy has cheated on her.

 

I love her so much and I don't think she would ever cheat on me. For some reason I do believe that she will always cut it off before it reaches that point. I should tell her I snooped but that would be the end of us.

[Natasha24]

My opinion is probably going to differ from a lot of others on this forum.

 

I think what you read in the diary was a good thing. You shouldn't have snooped, but I think you should feel better from what you read.

 

She was wrong to flirt with this guy, and she was SUPER wrong to text him. But she clearly knows that she has something special with you, and she (potentially/hypothetically) could have thrown it away for a pointless night of sex, which she would have regretted.

 

We all get tempted sometimes. We're humans, we're driven by a sex, it's natural. But what we need to focus on is how we react to those temptations. Your girlfriend played with fire a little bit by texting him, but in the end, she's glad she didn't do anything with him.

 

You have a right to be pissed at her. She lied and she texted another guy. That's shady. But my point is that I think this is definitely something you two can work through, and maybe it has opened her eyes to the idea that no guy is worth what she has with you.

 

What I don't understand is that your original post says "I texted a girl once who I wanted to sleep with." How is that any different than what your girlfriend did? The situation is identical. If you truly believe that YOU wouldn't have cheated, then you should believe that SHE wouldn't have cheated. Maybe you are so upset because, deep down, you know you really wanted to make a move on that other girl..? And now you're scared your girlfriend will do the same thing to you?

[friday3v]

Natasha24, your opinion is different but I also think you're spot on and is what I needed to hear. What you said is what I believe, I think I just need to hear it from somebody else or more people. Our relationship is great beyond this incident and I truly do believe that she wouldn't want to throw away what we have. I truly believe that. I know she feels horrible about what happened and I think she is just not completely telling me the truth because she is afraid that I'll leave her. I believe that this was one of those moments where she began to completely realize that she does love me and like you said that no guy or night of sex is worth what we have.

 

My situation is identical, which is another reason why I know I should just let it go. The only difference is that when this happened she at least told me a little bit about what went on that night because she felt guilty and although she didn't tell me the complete truth I still appreciate the fact that she told me something. And yea, I think I'm just scared about the possibility of her sleeping with someone else in the future. But I just need to trust that this was a moment where she realized how much our relationship means to one another.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you are highly invested in seeing yourself as the good guy here. I think both of you are two sides of the same coin. No, it wasn't (in my opinion) ok to look at her diary. There is no explanation other than your insecurity that drove you to it. And you would likely do it again as a way to monitor her.

 

And no your relationship is not rock solid if you are wanting to sleep with others, one or both is grinding others, and you are texting others. In a long-term relationship that is monogamous, that just would not happen.

 

I think your biggest mistake now would be to try to determine/conclude how she feels in your own mind. Another sign of a not-so rock solid relationship is the inability to communicate when times get tough. You don't know how she feels until you ask her.

[Solo Pilot]

Does she know about your little infidelity moment texting that other girl that you wanted to sleep with? It is a good thing that she felt guilty and tried to confess to you. I know she didn't give you the whole truth though. Obviously she is afraid of ruining what she has with you.

 

Now reading her diary was a bad idea, I would have been a little tempted too.... Anyway you read it and the damage is done. Personally I would NOT ever tell her about it. It would do more harm than good to tell her. You can't sleep since your whole relationship is in jeopardy because of the lack of trust.

 

So back to my first question. Does she know about your little texting ordeal with that other girl? I think you should come clean with her about it. Perhaps if she knew that you have also had thoughts of temptation the same as she did, then maybe that could be a good thing.

 

1. First off, if she knew that you did the same thing it might help her to feel less guilty.

2. Also maybe you two could draw strength from each other realizing that ya'll both remained faithful to each other instead of falling for temptation.

 

Like someone already said above. Communication is an important thing to do in a relationship especially when your having issues like yours. You better man up real fast and start talking to her. These issues aren't gonna go away until you guys talk. Remember the guy should always take the lead in the relationship so it's up to you start setting things straight!

[Doc Blaze]

stop thinking and ask her...

[camus154]

Dump her without another thought. I don't know your back story so I will only go off what you've written here.

 

It's great she turned this guy down. And I can't really fault her for simply being tempted. But following that up with texting this guy? That's crossing a line. That's going from temptation and innocent fantasy to pushing things further. Your girlfriend did the right thing here, but found herself too tempted to leave it entirely alone. Next time I doubt you'll be so lucky.

[friday3v]

I'm not going to dump her right away, but I will tell her what I've done because she deserves to know. I feel horrible about doing it and invading her privacy and I should've just left it alone and went with what she told me. I should've just trusted her. But my mistake doesn't absolve what she did either. We are both wrong for our actions. This is something that I want to work out with her, but I feel like as soon as I tell her that I snooped then the relationship will be done because she will not be able to see me the same way again, just like it is now difficult for me to see her the same way now. I'm expecting our relationship to be over, but I am holding out hope.

[pl3asehelp]

I'd just break up with her without any kind of discussion. What's the point. There's no way this is forgivable, right? Forget that you read her diary - you had good reason too, you were right.

[camus154]

The next page read, "Good news. I text so and so from the wedding and basically said, 'I can't stop thinking about Saturday night. Please tell me you're an ******* or have a girlfriend?' I text him this at 4:30 and it's now 7:30 and he hasn't responded. Like usual, he just wanted sex. What if I would've lost what I had with my boyfriend for a guy who doesn't even text me back. Ridiculous! I'm glad I text though because now I have closure."

 

Maybe you're not reading between the lines here with what she said. You do realize this whole situation would have played out entirely differently if the guy HAD texted her back, right?

 

Think about that. If he had responded that he wasn't a (whatever expletive that was), or that he didn't have a girlfriend, you have no idea how your girlfriend would have responded. But at the very least, I promise you she would have continued to have SOME contact with him.

 

You lucked out not because your girlfriend is honorable, but because she got blown off.

[friday3v]

I don't think I could just break up with her without discussion. Like I said before she has had really difficult relationships with every man she has known and I've promised that I wouldn't just leave her like that. I don't want to be another man who has wronged her and betrayed her trust, even if she didn't act innocently as she led me to believe. I've even promised that I would fight for our relationship. There's part of me, though, that thinks maybe we're just not right for each other and she knows that she is not the warmest girlfriend out there. But even knowing all this and feeling at times like she doesn't love me, I still want to be with her and I still don't want to lose her. I'm in law school right now and I'm only 25 so I know there are other people out there. But when we met (I was 23) she was my first serious girlfriend and the first person I had sex with. I don't know. I guess that's why I'm afraid to lose her despite all of this.

[Ms Darcy]

He actually didn't have good reason to read her diary. And people seem to forget that he also wanted to sleep with other girls/texted them.

 

I think the relationship is messed up, no doubt, but they BOTH need to lay everything out on the table.

[pl3asehelp]

You're allowing yourself to be manipulated. So what if you promised you wouldn't leave her? That was before she tried to cheat on you. The reason she's had difficult relationships with every man she's known is because she's selfish and does egregious things to these men. Fighting for a relationships is a dumb hollywood idea. If you treat each other right, with love, there's no need to fight for a relationship. She's not doing that. There's nearly zero chance you're going to have a lasting relationship with the first person you had sex with. You'd both have to be really healthy and she clearly is nowhere near healthy.

 

I think the ridiculous story she fed him about going to the wedding with her mom and then crying and giving a half truth about the guy she met there was plenty reason to read her diary. He's smart. He suspected something based on her absurd story because he's smart. He read her diary and it was confirmed.