Kalika Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now. I will be 30 in April. Part of me thinks about marriage, especially when I see what others have. SO MANY of my friends are engaged or already married - but then I think to myself that my boyfriend still has a very noticeable selfish streak in him, and definitely does not seem to seek out extra responsibility. He is also not that successful or dependable in the sense of being a good provider, although he is generally as helpful as I could expect him to be with things around our house. He is just not mature enough right now to get married or to be head of a household in that sense. He is my best friend but I can't help it, that is how I feel about him. That being said, as I approach 30, I feel disinclined to get married. I am thinking that if no proposal comes within the next year or two, I would probably just say no if he suddenly proposed after that time period, because it would be too little, too late. My son is 9 years old and the whole point for me of getting married was to possibly have more kids, which I wanted at one point very much ... but frankly, I don't want to have to start over with a newborn baby and my son who will basically be a preteen. My boyfriend currently has no interest in having any children. At this rate, because my boyfriend doesn't have his life together, even if he suddenly wanted kids, we would not be able to even consider them for at least another 3-4 years for financial reasons. And so it feels to me there is no point in getting married any more. Logically, too, many marriages just do not work out and I don't know why people want something like marriage so much even when the statistics show that marriage in the traditional sense is a dying institution. But even as I know these things, I still deep down want marriage so much and wish that my boyfriend was more stable, mature, and dependable. I still get envious when I see all the new proposals on FB, or marriages - people that have been together even less time than my boyfriend and I, and they are younger than me, and have already gotten married. I don't know why my thoughts are so contradictory ... or why I "want" something that I clearly am unsure about ... Thoughts ?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToF Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 Have you talked to him about this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 Is all of this still true ... ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalika Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 Wow .. thanks for the fast responses. ToF - When we have spoken about marriage, I have wavered on it - he tells me, "You don't even know what you want." Which is the truth. Unfortunately, I think the real truth is that although I would like to get married, I'm not sure that right now, I want to marry *him.* Ms. Darcy - a lot of those things have improved tremendously. He now actively gives me money to help with the groceries and things. He is much, MUCH better about paying for things. He is also starting to see that my schedule is absolutely hellish most days of the week and has gotten much better about doing things around the house that he sees need to get done. I have seen overall a really big improvement.. but there is always room for more! I am not expecting him to be perfect.. But I still do see in his actions where he sees himself as separate.. i.e, tonight I asked him to go to the store to get some milk, since I was doing the laundry - he tells me that he's tired and doesn't want to go, and says, "I don't even drink milk. YOU GUYS drink milk." To which I feel the need to point out that last weekend, when I did the shopping, I get things that he eats and I don't eat, etc.. sigh.. stupid arguments .. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToF Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 ToF - When we have spoken about marriage, I have wavered on it - he tells me, "You don't even know what you want." Which is the truth. Unfortunately, I think the real truth is that although I would like to get married, I'm not sure that right now, I want to marry *him.* This is important, and it's good that you can be honest with yourself about that. If marriage itself is an eventual goal for you, then you should tailor your actions to meet that goal. I'm not saying you should leave him and marry the first man who looks half decent ... but, if you feel that this isn't someone you want to marry, then it follows that he isn't someone you see being with for the long haul. Might be time to jump ship. Or at least time to start thinking about it, and having more discussions with him about where you guys are headed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 Logically, too, many marriages just do not work out and I don't know why people want something like marriage so much even when the statistics show that marriage in the traditional sense is a dying institution. But even as I know these things, I still deep down want marriage so much and wish that my boyfriend was more stable, mature, and dependable. I still get envious when I see all the new proposals on FB, or marriages - people that have been together even less time than my boyfriend and I, and they are younger than me, and have already gotten married. I don't know why my thoughts are so contradictory ... or why I "want" something that I clearly am unsure about ... Thoughts ?? With kindness, I think you are a little all over the map. Can you answer these questions directly. 1. Do you WANT marriage? If so, when do you want it? 2. Do you want more kids? If so, what's the timeframe for that? 3. Would you be happy with the current situation with your bf - just living together - forever? 4. What if he decided he wants children in a few years? 5. Are you happy with how your bf acts and can you live with that forever? I would say be careful not to scale down your hopes because of what your partner is/is not capable of. I would also say, in terms of marriage, the odds of marriage lasting for a long time go up when: 1. Both partners are over 25. 2. Both have educations. 3. Both are financially stable. 4. Both have parents who are still married. 5. Both participate in pre-marital counseling. Put those factors in and the divorce rate plummets to under 10 percent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cocoon2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 are your parents around?...are you guys been introduced to the parents of each other?... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalika Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 Thanks again for the replies .. Ms Darcy, lol yes I am all over the map .. trust me I know this - my thoughts change daily on this issue.. I do want marriage, ideally within the next two years latest - but because of my boyfriend's precarious financial situation right now I don't see that as realistic or possible. Same thing with kids .. I am not 100% sure I want more, but a few years ago I definitely did want more - now as my son gets older, it has become obvious to me that starting all over again with a newborn would be an extremely difficult change of priorities. If my boyfriend did decide one day that he wanted kids, I would consider it for his sake, and because I think he really would be a wonderful and doting father. As for living with him indefinitely, I could do that as long as I felt he gave me as much respect and consideration as he would give someone that was his Wife. I come on here when I'm upset with him but there are many, many amazing things about our relationship that I have never had with anyone else and he is really the only person I want to marry. Unfortunately, since we have now been together for 2 years, giving him another 1-2 years means that we will have been together 4-5 years... and that makes me older, with less prospects, if we did decide to part ways eventually .. I am afraid to have these "where are we going" discussions because he might take it seriously and propose even if he is not financially/emotionally ready to do so.. if money were no issue, I honestly think we would already be engaged. He is very upfront with me and when we have spoken about it, he has told me that he has to get things in order first - but I think he is expecting me to give him a few more years .. I just don't know whether I should tell him that in a few more years, I think the time frame or purpose for marriage will have passed. If we are dating 4-5 years, and we are not having any children together, then what's the point of getting married at that point?? If we did marry at that point, I will be putting at risk all my assets and finances for no real reason other than to say "I am married" to this person. To answer the above question, yes we have met each others' parents .. we both like each others' parents and my parents really adore him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 You are still all over the map. You are having trouble answering the questions individually dear. I am not saying do you want to be married to him but do you want to be married? Different questions. If you are tying marriage to him, the answer can be loopier. Remember, one year ago you wrote that you would like to be married in 1-2 years. Now you are saying in 1-2 years again. This means you are pushing back your own goals for him without any clear trust that you can/will/want to marry him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 Ok... SO MANY of my friends are engaged or already married - but then I think to myself that my boyfriend still has a very noticeable selfish streak in him, and definitely does not seem to seek out extra responsibility. mistake #1: comparing YOUR relationship to OTHERS. How is that fair to him? This is what will ultimately lead to your unhappiness. He is also not that successful or dependable in the sense of being a good provider, although he is generally as helpful as I could expect him to be with things around our house. You already have no faith in him... he probably senses this. So when you give him this impression indirectly... why should he even bother? Also when you say that he is not "dependable" yet he does a great deal of helping around your house... what mixed message are you giving here? Or to him? He is just not mature enough right now to get married or to be head of a household in that sense. Let's take a step back... you're a mom and are used to raising a kid. you are a completely different page than a bachelor who had no strings attached until he agrees to marry you. To a lot of guys, that is a bit of a scary commitment at first; especially if he has only dated you for two years and wants to hang loose until he has to suddenly settle down and be a stepdad. That being said, as I approach 30, I feel disinclined to get married. I am thinking that if no proposal comes within the next year or two, I would probably just say no if he suddenly proposed after that time period, because it would be too little, too late. So what is it that you want from this man? you really aren't giving him much of a chance here because you're too fixated on 1) your age and 2) your friend's relationships. My son is 9 years old and the whole point for me of getting married was to possibly have more kids, which I wanted at one point very much ... but frankly, I don't want to have to start over with a newborn baby and my son who will basically be a preteen. I've taught preteen children who have a baby brother/sister... and they were fine. But I understand if that is your preference. My boyfriend currently has no interest in having any children. At this rate, because my boyfriend doesn't have his life together, even if he suddenly wanted kids, we would not be able to even consider them for at least another 3-4 years for financial reasons. And so it feels to me there is no point in getting married any more. Or there is no point in dating. IMO, you might be rushing this. Logically, too, many marriages just do not work out Wrong. Logically too many people don't want to work out their marriages and that's why they end up failing. Every relationship takes effort everyday. I don't know why people want something like marriage so much even when the statistics show that marriage in the traditional sense is a dying institution. Not in my culture and especially not with my fiance. But even as I know these things, I still deep down want marriage so much And you can still get it. But both of you has got to give in a little to achieve this. It also depends on how long you are willing to wait. wish that my boyfriend was more stable, mature, and dependable. You cannot change him, but you can express this concern and see what he does with it. If he ignores it, then you have your answer in front of you. I still get envious when I see all the new proposals on FB, or marriages - people that have been together even less time than my boyfriend and I, and they are younger than me, and have already gotten married. And again... you are comparing your relationship to theirs. it is tough to handle this, but everyone's relationship is different just like every individual is. perhaps you have not found the right guy. or perhaps he hasn't had the chance to change. It took my fiance a few years to get his act together and he is a much more better person than when I first dated him. The question is: Are you willing to give your man a chance? How long are you willing to wait? Because sadly... I don't it at all written in your post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 He sounds like a loser. You're really happy with a guy like this? I wouldn't be. Don't you think you can do better and deserve that? Being in a relationship with a guy like that is definitely going to make you question all sorts of things in life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 My limited two cents -I'd stop all focus on the "most marriages fail" and similar statistics because I think you're just using that to lengthen your laundry list of "cons" but it's meaningless to you. As far as "head of household" do you mean he's not ready to be a main provider? I think that's true from what you describe but be sure that that is really a criteria for marriage - as opposed to being more or less equal contributors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalika Posted September 25, 2012 Author Share Posted September 25, 2012 Whew. Thanks for the responses everyone .... I am not sure where to even begin to address them though .. I guess if the kids issue is off the table, I don't see the point of marriage/legal entanglement. I guess that's what it all comes down to. Most people, I assume, get married so they can start a family, have kids, etc.... of course I understand that all relationships take a lot of work, but not all breakups come with lawyers, settlements, and alimony payments. Batya - re: my "head of household" comment ... I mean in every sense he is not ready.. financially, emotionally ... He is too dependent on his parents' opinions still. They live nearby and they are a pretty big presence in his life. I guess I'm not used to it because every other guy I dated was much more independent. He consults with them a lot and their opinion of me matters a lot to him. I don't find that conducive to being married because I strongly feel that when you marry, your wife should be the one you consult with, and your marriage's needs should come first. I sometimes find his parents' needs come before mine, although that has been occurring much less than it did even just a year ago. I am the polar opposite in that I consult very infrequently with my parents, and as an adult I don't feel the need to turn to them for every little thing or jump to please them, even at my own detriment. I think of myself as much more independent. They are still struggling with "losing" him in a sense since I am his first serious relationship and now he is not available to them 24/7. I guess I just don't know whether I should come out right now, as soon as possible, and tell him that I see no point to marrying, since neither of us plans to have kids - or just let it ride its natural course? Like it or not, marriage IS risky - especially for someone like me, who has a very decent amount of personal assets to lose if I were to ever get divorced. I know that I need to stop comparing myself to my friends and their relationships, but it's hard not to when literally everyone around me is getting engaged/married... I did things a very non-traditional way, but a part of me wishes I could still get married, have more kids, go the traditional route, etc.. but I would want to do it very soon and that's just not on his time frame right now. I never wanted to just have one child .. when I was much younger I wanted a husband, big family, at least 3 kids, the whole 9 yards.. adjusting to the reality of my what my life is now has been extremely tough for me. Sometimes it's easier to just convince yourself that you don't really want those things you can't have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalika Posted September 25, 2012 Author Share Posted September 25, 2012 Sorry I'm rambly.. hope ^^ post made some sense.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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