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A Spanner In The Works


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Hi, so I'll try and keep this brief (which probably won't work). Girlfriend and I have been together for about 14 months and we love each other, and like any relationships it's had it's hard times.


But there's been one problem that's just kept reappearing. This guy. Mr X I shall name him. But let's start from the beginning...


She starts work at this new place when we're in the early months of our relationship, and she told me rumour has it Mr X has a crush on her, but I'll always be the one for her. She has always been secretive of her phone and I respect(ed) her privacy by not peering over when she's texting and not interrogating her on who she is texting, y'know, real supportive like. Anyways she becomes very distracted by her phone in the first few months of our relationship, and so I think, well I'm not gonna go crazy looking through emails, but I'm still curious as this Mr X has come up a fair few times in convo. So I find flirty texts and I get pissed and we get over it - forgive and forget and that jazz and the relationship drifts forwards by about 5 months from the Mr X text escapade.


Again she started being really secretive - she'd receive a text and almost like she'd been electrocuted, she'd leap up and read it! She must have spent more time on that thing than we spent talking to each other face to face! Not to mention texting at odd times, oh and mysteriously spending time on Skype and whatnot at odd times of the day - naturally when I'm not around. So like clockwork, I come home from work and her computer (being near mine) chimes with that signature Skype tone, and I get stuck in having a good old look at what is going on. I hit the jackpot, as she was chatting to a guy from a dating site about "seeing where things go" with them, flirting with old "rebound" flames from the past, and of course, Mr X. She said some very hurtful things, and dirty things I shall save from divulging here, but...the Mr X worried me the most, as he was a colleague of hers. She spoke of wearing "accessible" clothing, "going commando" and "dark places they could get lost in" with him.


So off we go again, I bring it all up - she's offended I went on her computer (which she uses to overshadow her own actions), and the relationship teeters on the edge of oblivion. Forgive, but not forget. She says she can change. Heck why shouldn't I mistrust her, it's not like she's cheated before right? Wrong. She admits cheating on every one of her past 4-5 boyfriends.


So a few more months go by and we come to the week of last. Again, secretive phone use - blah blah blah. So I check yet again, and I find she's googled "I'm cheating on my boyfriend" and also a topless picture of Mr X she received on her phone that she (from what I could see) had subsequently emailed it back to herself on her "non usual" email account.


So I say it's over. All the time she promises me she has been faithful and that he sent the pic to her and she "panicked" which is why she sent it to her other email. Funny huh? Oh and the googling? That was because she wanted "perspective on how others dealt with the guilt of their cheating pasts". I pack my stuff, and leave. We talk some time later and have agreed to take things slow and see how it goes. I love her, I can tell she loves me too.


Of course, the entire relationship isn't based around mistrust. We enjoy each others company. It's just that her body language and secrecy at various intervals has "informed" me that it's possible I might find some dirty business going on behind my back. Even as I was at the door, asking her for what could've been the last time we saw each other - she stuck by her story to the end "I have been faithful." She's either being truthful, or she is quite literally an evil mastermind.



Now, am I going mad? Or does this seem like a pattern is emerging. I have a backbone - I'm not being walked on, but I have a heart too - which feels like it is. I want to forgive and forget, but logic tells me that I'm just waiting for the next few months when something new will happen. What am I to do...? Thanks for your time.

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I think you should take some time and be single for a while. People do make mistakes I guess, but they don't learn from them if they don't fall hard. Even if she was faithful, she was still not being respectful of you.

I would say try and move on with your life. If you are meant to be together maybe she can learn from her mistakes down the road. In the meantime she should be respectful of your decision to take space, and hopefully she will think about her actions.

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This seems like what was happening in my relationship with my ex wife. She was constantly talking with one of my guys friends who was long distance. They would do weird stuff like put on a netflix movie and watch it at the same time and discuss it over the phone- romantic movies too. I was kind of clueless to this as my ex had said that she was in love with me but I could see feelings building for this other guy-- even my close friends were starting to notice her weird behavior.


Anyhow, my point is that she had admitted cheating on all her boyfriends in the past- huge red flag. Even though you should be spying on her browsing habits (i am guilty of this too), she was searching about cheating on her boyfriend. So you can either, confront her about it and have her close the ties with this guy (which she will see you as being controlling), or you can break off the relationship.


I know you see the issues but are trying to convince yourself that you are different from her past relationships..... I did the same thing too. Just look at her behavior and ask other people what they would do if they had this happening to them. Most people will tell you they would give the other person the boot.


Good luck to you!

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