sharky988 Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 Or maybe he truly isn't interested in you? Stop making excuses for him. That, "He's too close to love you" stuff is just another line we tell ourselves when we're trying to get over someone. He isn't hanging out with you, because he doesn't want to. Saying it's because he has some deep-seated love for you only further complicates things, when here you are, already confused. I have to agree with the above. When I first read that he 'needed more time" before seeing you, I figured it was an obvious lie -- probably just to protect your feelings, as his plans for the weekend probably involve another girl, or looking for one. I think it's a bit naive to think he's being really honest with you right now. You've agreed to just be friends, and friends are treated differently than girlfriends or FWBs. Of course he'd break plans with you to pursue either of those. Link to comment
dontblink182 Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 Naive huh... Well I do see where you're coming from about the whole trying to "protect my feelings" but why would he waste his time trying to do that? I mean yeah maybe I am still stuck on how things WERE with us before when he was telling me the whole truth... But I mean really, he is kind of stuck with me in his life... It just makes no sense that he would start to lie to me when the whole time we've been friends he has never lied to me. Even about other girls. He was honest when he told me he had a new girlfriend, he was honest in the beginning when he was still sleeping with other people and whenever I ask him any other kind of question, he gives me an answer that sometimes I don't want to hear... His words to me about hanging out were "At first I thought it wasn't a bad idea but I thought about it and maybe it is, so if I'm not 100% about it then we shouldn't"... and he said he would tell me when he's ready to hang out.... I mean I see both sides of it, and even if he is trying to find other girls, that part doesn't bother me one bit.... and he should know that.... What I'm trying to say is he's never tried to hide ANYTHING from me in the past... If he really didn't want to be friends, wouldn't he want me to know about other girls? He's even said to me before that he wants me to hate him because if I hate him then it means that I won't talk to him anymore. That was when we were fighting and we have since moved past that... I KNOW that him and I most likely will not be friends... I do know this... I'm just trying to figure it all out so that I don't make this mistake again. I just don't understand why anyone would have to lie to someone like this... I am normally really good at reading people and knowing what they really mean when they say one thing... And I'm normally 100% right about things... But I have never been in this kind of situation with anyone like him before. I have let the whole situation be and have not contacted him since he said what he said... It's not like I'm pushing him or trying to make something happen that I know deep down isn't going to happen... I don't want anyone to think that. This is just my way of taking the crap I'm writing on my lap top and sharing it with people to get their opinion on it... And I really do appreciate your opinions... We ALL know how this is going to end... haha I just neeeed to hear it and argue it out until I finally just move on completely. It's surely not easy when you feel like you have a connection to someone and that connection is lost... I mean the last time we saw each other, we were just friends and yet he kissed me... There is no way that the two of us could be friends... And it sucks... But it's not the end of the world.... The thing that sucks the most is the fact that I do have to hear about him and he has to hear about me as well... Which is why I was really trying to be friends for the sake of my family so that they don't have to feel weird around us or anything... Grrrr I knew it was a bad idea, but it was soo easy to just let it all happen the way it did. We clearly were attracted to each other and we clearly enjoyed each other's company.... But the past is the past and there is no going back... And also just to clear something else up, I am seeing other people as well, and I don't know if he knows that or not... But who cares. He prolly doesn't.... Link to comment
dontblink182 Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 oh and I guess another thing that bothers me is that I've given him every "out" that I could think of... And he still hasn't taken any of them........ Why must he string me along like this? GRRRR! Link to comment
sharky988 Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 I'm confused. If you're fine being just friends, why does all of this bother you so much? Would you consider one of your girlfriends to be "stringing you along" if she cancels plans or doesn't tell you everything she's doing or why she's doing something or not doing something? If you're going to be friends, imo you need to start bringing down your expectations. He's not going to treat you like a girlfriend or a FWB anymore if you're just friends. Link to comment
ToF Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 oh and I guess another thing that bothers me is that I've given him every "out" that I could think of... And he still hasn't taken any of them........ Why must he string me along like this? GRRRR! Because you've proven again and again that you will stick around and take it. I don't know the full story, you're right about that. But I do know that he is not acting like someone who wants to be your friend. That is painfully, excruciatingly clear. I hope you either come to realize that, or that he proves me wrong. Either way, I hope you don't allow yourself to stay in this limbo any longer. Link to comment
dontblink182 Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 I know that he isn't going to treat me the same way, I know this. I was fine with the fact that he didn't want to hang out because we only had "plans" and I wasn't going to hold my breath about it....He knows me well enough to tell me "I'll let you know" and not "yes for sure" because yes I do get mad when my girlfriends cancel on me last minute... Just last week my friend of 20 years and I had plans to hang out for the first time in MONTHS and she ditched out on me at 1:00AM when we had plans at 9AM.... So call me crazy, but I am a big believer in if someone says they're going to do something, then they should do it... And he knows this about me... It bothers me that he is acting this way and "leading" me to believe that everything is cool between us, then its not, and then it is, and then its not and so on and so forth. This isn't the first time we've had this talk either. Over the summer we agreed to be just friends (we'd been sleeping together for a month at this point and he is the one that brought it up saying that he thought that it would be best if we stopped sleeping together...) and I was totally fine with it... But he kept telling me that the whole situation sucked and he couldn't not talk to me and blah blah blah so yeah, I fell for it... I went to his house to hang out with him (as just friends) shortly after this big talk about how we need to be just friends... and DUH the "magnetism" (or whatever you want to call it, sexual attraction, sexual tension... whatever) landed us back in bed together. The whole time we were "together" I knew it was a bad idea because I knew I valued his friendship more than the sex. I've told him in the past (within the past month or so) that I always thought that we made a good team, without the sex and how I knew one day the sex would end but the way we communicated about everything I THOUGHT we would be able to be friends because I didn't have any expectations of us getting together. Now you can still obviously catch feelings but not have expectations... And so that's what happened at least on my part. I started to really care for him, even knowing that he wouldn't be "the one"... I cared about him as my best friend because I never thought that anything like this would happen. And honestly I don't think he thought it through either. From day one we had this instant connection. He isn't my typical type of guy, he's younger than I am and I think that he's maybe my height if not maybe 1/4 inch shorter than I am... So at first being the human that I am I had a little trouble accepting those "flaws". But there was always something that attracted me to him... He told my step brother that he wasn't looking for a girlfriend, and I told him that I wasn't looking for just a fwb... So the first few weeks of us hanging out we really got to know each other without any kind of physical contact... I mean I lost one of my best friends this summer and he was there for me and stood up and took her place for me.... I guess that's another reason why I'm having trouble letting go. Even though I know what's going on, I'm still lingering on it. And not to sound rude or anything, but why are you all being soo negative about everything? I said before the reason I'm on here is to help me get over all of this and have a place to vent... So far all of the responses I've gotten, to me it seems like you're not really paying attention much to what's going on here...This is my way of trying to get over it... And figure it all out... Not to get him back... I've moved on from that part ages ago... I'm just having a hard time letting go of the FRIENDSHIP we had... Like I've said 100000 times before... And please correct me if I'm wrong because I know sometimes I may have trouble really getting out what I mean... Yes in the beginning it was hard to let go of the physical part of our "relationship" but if you really go back to my first post about the guy, all of this has really been about the friendship and how to keep it... I mean really, give me some freaking credit here.... I happen to get emotionally attached to my friends. I have a lot of acquaintances, but very few friends, and the ones that I do have, I have high expectations for... And this guy knew all of this going into this and got himself in... I told him the very first time that we hung out how I am... And he said he was the same way... Link to comment
dontblink182 Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 Because you've proven again and again that you will stick around and take it. I don't know the full story, you're right about that. But I do know that he is not acting like someone who wants to be your friend. That is painfully, excruciatingly clear. I hope you either come to realize that, or that he proves me wrong. Either way, I hope you don't allow yourself to stay in this limbo any longer. He is, and then he isn't... I know over all he really isn't acting like we're friends.... But it really just doesn't make any sense to me when he KNOWS we don't have to be friends... But he continues to tell me that he wants to and then he doesn't and then he does and blah blah blah... I never pressured him into anything, and since this last little happening, I haven't contacted him... Yeah its been 2 days, but I'm still not planning on contacting him at all... You're right, I have been going back and forth for way to long on this, and it does need to stop, but it just hasn't happened that way for me... And that doesn't mean that what I'm doing is wrong. Everything happens for a reason and I'm sorry if I'm a little more optimistic. It may sound "painfully, excruciatingly clear" to you, but CLEARLY it doesn't to me... Or any of my friends... Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 You may look at him as a friend, but he probably does not. You were sleeping together, so that is "his friendship" with you. The sleeping together has stopped, and he's lost interest (but so have you, you keep saying). Sometimes when the sex stops the friendship does too, because all along, there was never really a friendship to begin with there in the first place. Link to comment
dontblink182 Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 Does NO one read what I've been saying? WE WERE FRIENDS BEFORE WE SLEPT TOGETHER! Its not like he was some random guy that I met, slept with and then fell in love with... He was my FRIEND. Why am I the only person who sees this. I totally get that that friendship changed the second we slept together... I do... But I am friends with most, if not ALL of my ex's... Ex fwb's included... And it was very easy for us to go from sleeping together, to not sleeping together and just being friends. It's just this one situation that I've never encountered before which is why I'm confused. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 Does NO one read what I've been saying? WE WERE FRIENDS BEFORE WE SLEPT TOGETHER! Its not like he was some random guy that I met, slept with and then fell in love with... He was my FRIEND. Why am I the only person who sees this. I totally get that that friendship changed the second we slept together... I do... But I am friends with most, if not ALL of my ex's... Ex fwb's included... And it was very easy for us to go from sleeping together, to not sleeping together and just being friends. It's just this one situation that I've never encountered before which is why I'm confused. If this is your pattern, I think it's an anomaly and you've just gotten lucky you haven't had a problem with staying friends with people who used to sleep with. Also, you don't know that these people really think of you as a friend - in my opinion they maintain a relationship with you to keep sex as an option in the future. Link to comment
dontblink182 Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 *** is wrong with me? I keep in touch with, and hang out with all my ex's... And they've all had girlfriends and I've had boyfriends and we all hang out together and none of them have even tried to sleep with me... And its not like we talk every day (which is not what I was expecting from this guy) but I know that if I called them, they would still be there for me. Most of them have helped me move and everything, after we broke up and everything... Not expecting anything in return... and not only because they have other mates, but because we have moved on past everything... I mean yeah maybe this guy just isn't the type to move on... It just blows for me... Oh well, its really not the end of the world. I know.... Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 *** is wrong with me? I keep in touch with, and hang out with all my ex's... And they've all had girlfriends and I've had boyfriends and we all hang out together and none of them have even tried to sleep with me... And its not like we talk every day (which is not what I was expecting from this guy) but I know that if I called them, they would still be there for me. Most of them have helped me move and everything, after we broke up and everything... Not expecting anything in return... and not only because they have other mates, but because we have moved on past everything... I mean yeah maybe this guy just isn't the type to move on... It just blows for me... Oh well, its really not the end of the world. I know.... You really don't ever know what someone else is thinking or expecting. Honestly, I don't think you understand men very well. But maybe you're right and that's not the problem. I'm just offering my perspective. Link to comment
dontblink182 Posted October 6, 2012 Author Share Posted October 6, 2012 I understand men. I know when a guy is using me and I know when a guy is just a friend... I've always been a tom boy and hung out with the guys... I know what they talk about, and how they act with friends and stuff... I also have 2 step brothers (one younger, and one older) and an older blood brother, and many guy cousins and friends... I know that all guys have one thing on their minds 99% of the time... Sex, but I also know that when you don't want to sleep with a guy, just want to be friends you should tell him and not lead him on from the get go.... I always tell guys that I'm uninterested in anything and if they chose to stay friends that's cool, if not then that is what it is.... And if in the future they continue to try to sleep with me then I cut all contact with that guy..... I mean I've been doing that my whole life... So you're telling me that all of my guy friends, ex's included are only my friends because they think they have a chance with me? Wow, then what do I do? Link to comment
dontblink182 Posted October 6, 2012 Author Share Posted October 6, 2012 Maybe I am naive... I've been living like this for 24 years and it really is the only thing I know... So I mean there is a good chance that I am wrong.... Now I don't know what to think and my whole world doesn't make any sense anymore. Everything I've ever thought is wrong. How can I change it so that I know better so I'm not ever stuck in this situation again because this sucks. It really sucks. Link to comment
ToF Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 Forget about being right or wrong, or being naive, or whose fault this is. And forget about trying to figure out what he's "really" thinking, because that will never happen. Either you guys will end up being friends again, or you won't. He is not taking any initiative to be your friend -- this IS clear, right? So, as long as this effort is one-sided, it will not work. Period. Let it go for now. Link to comment
dontblink182 Posted October 6, 2012 Author Share Posted October 6, 2012 Yes, it is clear that he is NOT taking any kind of initiative. I still hear his voice in my head from before we ever split saying " I'm not the type to be just friends with girls... I almost always hook up with them..." and then I hear him telling me after we split how much he cares about me and wants to be my friend. That's the only reason why I'm confused. He clearly doesn't want to be my friend. I know this... Like I said, this is all new to me and I'm learning.... Thanks for everything. I know I put up a fight, I just didn't want to believe it. It's been 3 days NC and I have no desire to even talk to him. Link to comment
dontblink182 Posted October 7, 2012 Author Share Posted October 7, 2012 *update*... He said he misses me but can't mentally handle it right now... Whatever that means? I don't know... Don't really care. Didn't respond. It was a mid day text from him so I know he wasn't drunk or anything... Just weird. Link to comment
ToF Posted October 7, 2012 Share Posted October 7, 2012 Yeah, sorry but that's BS from him. He's attempting to bait you with the "I miss you" part, while letting himself off the hook by saying he "can't mentally handle it". Then he finishes it with "right now" to keep you on the back-burner. Forget about him. He is truly not worth all this. Link to comment
dontblink182 Posted October 8, 2012 Author Share Posted October 8, 2012 Well he didn't say right now... He just said "I'm sorry. I miss you, but mentally I can't handle it." I still haven't said anything in response because its too little too late and I don't want to be baited. It is bull for him to say that out of no where and pretend like that's going to get me back... He's not mature enough if he thinks that playing these games is going to get me back anyways... Thanks for your support. Link to comment
dontblink182 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 *update* two weeks later he contacted me AGAIN.... He did it in a joking way saying that he wanted something I had.... And I got mad and didn't put up with it. He said I read into it too much and I stood my ground... He said "fair enough" annnd... that was that.... A week later (yesterday) I did contact him about useless crap and we talked kind of like normal... Not really a big deal.... I have also been talking to someone new, it just sucks cuz he's LD.... But that's nothin big, just a little "distraction" from my life... Nothin huge, but I'm bored and figured maybe ya'll would wanna know.... Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.