dontblink182 Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 So I've been talking on and off to my ex fwb (he decided to end things a month ago, we got into a fight and I told him we couldn't be friends because he lied... blah blah blah...) for the past few days. I told him I was ok with being friends again and he said that was ok... I went *almost* two weeks without talking to him before I told him I still wanted to be friends... And now I can't stop thinking about him. He knows how I've felt about him since day 1. We've always talked about how we would be good together if we ended up making things official and we got really close. We both were on the same page as far as wanting a relationship (or so I thought) and everything was goin pretty good. He became a close friend, and kind of a "boyfriend" I guess, but not official. I told him a few times in the past that relationships scared me too much and I liked the way things were with us because I didn't have to worry about being a crazy gf or holding him back... I know it sounds crazy, but it was working for us and I was happy... He ended things cuz he needed space, and then ended up with another girl (that was official) , but that has back fired within 3-4 days and he's been single now for 3 weeks... (Or so, I think...) Every time we talk I make it short, and to the point. Nothing too pushy, and just a friendly conversation. Ok so here's where I need some advice. I can say that I miss the way we were, and would like for things to go back. I'm not saying I want it to be exactly the way they were, but I want to be able to hang out with him and not feel like I'm bugging him. I don't think we should be physical at all (no kissing or hooking up) but I do miss just being around him. He said he'd always be there for me (like he has in the past) and that he will always want to be my friend. I'm worried that now (after all the fighting) its going to be weird if I tell him I want to hang out... We're both pretty mature people and we both really enjoyed the time we had together... I want to suggest hanging out but I don't know how. Part of me kind of wants to see him and hang out with him to see if the chemistry that we had is still there (after we ended things, we've seen each other twice, and both times it was totally obvious that we have something...) I haven't seen him in almost a month... I know it sounds all crazy and everything, but our FRIENDSHIP (not just the physical part) was a really good one. Now that we're both busy with work and school, I know that we both don't have that much time any more. I know that I have been super busy with everything, but he's still been on my mind and I don't think I can get him out of there until I see him. Is this a bad idea? If not, how should I go about suggesting hanging out? Obviously I still have some kind of feelings for him or I wouldn't be sitting here writing all of this, but like I said before, its been a few weeks and we're both super busy so I don't think there's much risk of us falling back into old habits (kissing, hooking up, sleeping over ect)... Help! Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToF Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 I don't think seeing him/talking to him would be a good idea unless: a) He reciprocates the feelings you have for him, AND b) He wants the same type of relationship you do. Otherwise, I'd advise that you cut him out until you've completely moved on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dontblink182 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 He says he wants to be friends, which is really all I want as well... I just don't know what being "friends" means to him... If being friends to him means we can talk and be like we were (without the sex), or if being friends just means we don't fight when we talk.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedDress Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 I think you are completely wrong if you think you won't fall back into old habits. You still like him... you want to hang out with him... you've already had sex before... how is it going to be different if he comes over, starts flirting with you and kissing on you? C'mon. You'll sleep with him again. You like him! So much so that you are willing to forget about his lies and the fact that he ended up "official" with someone else in a very short time (so he's not incapable of being "official"). What you are really asking is how do you change the situation so that he wants to go out with you. And the answer is... you don't. No matter how good you are for him and how silly he is not realizing that - you just can't. I'm sorry... but I really think that you are playing with fire. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dontblink182 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 Over all I just want to know how to suggest we hang out without it sounding like I want things to go back to the way things were. Because I honestly don't want that complicated bull. I just want my friend back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dontblink182 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 I haven't forgotten about his lying or the fact that he was official with someone else. I'm not trying to change it so that he wants to go out with me, I don't have time for a boyfriend, OR a fwb right now. I've already moved on from the physical part of the "relationship" that we had. The kind of chemistry we have is not one that I feel like he's "the one" its just one that we get along so well and have a strong connection. Is it that wrong that I want that back? I don't think so. I've slept with other people since him, and have a pretty clear idea of what I want out of having him in my life, and that's just to have my friend back. I'm too focused on my career right now to have any kind of relationship, but the friendship that I had with this guy was easy and effortless and I wouldn't be distracted by it. I know what you're trying to say here, and I do appreciate the advice but I don't think it really pertains to my situation. I may not have been totally clear in my OP but I really really really don't want to be with ANYONE right now. I turn down guys all the time because I'm not ready, very attractive, stable guys. I can't have a relationship until I'm stable myself. Its not fair to do that to a guy... haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToF Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 Over all I just want to know how to suggest we hang out without it sounding like I want things to go back to the way things were. Because I honestly don't want that complicated bull. I just want my friend back. Well, think of it this way: If you can't even suggest hanging out without him thinking that you want more, and without it turning into "complicated bull", then he is probably not ready to be a real friend to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dontblink182 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 True statement. Haha I just needed to hear it from someone... As much as he says he "cares about me" and "wants me in his life regardless of anything else" maybe now isn't the right time to suggest hanging out. I mean I just don't know what his schedule is like and I don't want him to think I only want to hang out with him to get him back... I just really miss the friendship. Such a shame how sex complicates things huh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dontblink182 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 I also may be over thinking things (which is something I do... a lot... obviously) and that makes me think that I can suggest hanging out and everything would be peachy. GRRR I complicate things so much. Hence the reason I know I don't belong with anyone right now haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToF Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 His schedule shouldn't be so much of a concern, if he's really a friend. Nor should you be so concerned about "If I do X, then he'll think I actually mean Y and Z." It sounds like you'd have to be walking on eggshells just to establish a friendship with him. That isn't really much of a friendship at all, is it? Yes, sex does complicate things. It'd probably be wise to focus on other friendships and try to phase him out. Give it enough time so that, eventually, it's been so long that he can't possibly think you still have those feelings for him. By that time, though, you'll probably have found that his friendship wasn't quite as unique and strong as you feel it is now, and you'll have moved on. Right now he may say that he wants to be friends, but to me it sounds like you're the only one who truly wants to spend time together, platonic or otherwise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dontblink182 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 True statement. Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToF Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 So, what's the verdict? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 So he was in a relationship with someone else while having sex with you on the side? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dontblink182 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Share Posted September 25, 2012 No no no no no no no he was totally single when we had relations... And trust me, I know. And the verdict is...... I'm gonna wait it out like you said. If he really wanted to be friends, he would make an effort. The problem is I know him pretty well and I know that he doesn't have many girls that are just friends... He always has something happen with girls in one way or another... So I don't know if we will ever be friends again. I know I'm going to see him sooner rather than later because of how close he is with my step family but its just a matter of time before that happens... We'll run into each other. I'm just gonna go with the flow and see what happens. Not try to force it or think too much about it (or at least try not to) right now... Que sera sera.... whatever will be will be... Right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dontblink182 Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 *UPDATE* I didn't wait. I ended up asking him if it would be weird if I suggested we hang out... And he said that we can hang out soon for sure.... And I think we may have plans this weekend... I'm not going to bank on it but at least he is open to really being friends. That's really all I can ask for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 I'm confused. Is he now dating someone? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dontblink182 Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 I'm not sure if he is or not. I don't think he is... We were just having a normal conversation the other day and he mentioned a girl from one of his classes who is a little bit older and I was joking around like "ooh la la " and he was just like " Friends. hahah"... Not sure what that means, but even if he is with someone else, all I want is to be in his life again as his friend. He is a very important person to me and I've kind of been miserable (to be completely hones) without him...... He's a great person and a great friend. I just hope that he and I can really be good friends again... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 As long as you understand that if he does have a girlfriend, she'll definitely be at the top of his list, while friends are listed somewhere in between. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToF Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 *UPDATE* I didn't wait. I ended up asking him if it would be weird if I suggested we hang out... And he said that we can hang out soon for sure.... And I think we may have plans this weekend... I'm not going to bank on it but at least he is open to really being friends. That's really all I can ask for. Sounds like you're back where you started. Vague plans do not equate to "really" being friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dontblink182 Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 As long as you understand that if he does have a girlfriend, she'll definitely be at the top of his list, while friends are listed somewhere in between. Yeah I know this... But I don't think he has a gf. He's a commitmentphobe... Hence the reason we were just friends and will remain that way haha as far as the vague plans, I was thinking about that last night as well... It's a step in the right direction at least. If he were really very uninterested in being friends, he wouldn't have said what he said. Whether he means what he said, or was saying it just to be "nice" it still shows me that he is thinking about it. I know where you're coming from, but I'm not really getting my hopes up for anything I'm just really trying to get back to "normal" and let all the dust settle and move forward instead of feeling stuck with no kind of direction. I don't think I'm back to where I started, I feel like I at least made one step forward. The fact that he is such good friends with my step family is a huge reason why I kind of NEED things to be ok between us. I hear his name at least 3 times a day from them and for my own sake, I have to be able to hear about him and stuff without feeling weird. Which now that we've been talking and have "plans" I feel a lot better about the whole situation. I will be able to know things about him before my step family can say anything because we're talking and everything so I wont be surprised when his name comes up... See where I'm coming from? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToF Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 What happens when those "plans" never end up happening? If he truly, honestly, and sincerely wanted to spend time with you, you'd be getting more than this out of him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dontblink182 Posted October 4, 2012 Author Share Posted October 4, 2012 Well here's another update.... I asked him if he really wanted to hang out... And he said not this weekend because he needs more time... He wont tell me why he thinks we need time. I told him that things weren't going to go back and tried to explain to him that I just wanted to be friends and he said he doesn't think that now is the right time. Like really ***? He's the one that said he didn't want to lose me... Like at all as a friend... Now he's saying that he needs more time. From what my step mom said, (and since she's known him since he was 5 years old...) he and I got too close and he got scared. She said "you know that song that goes 'and it feels like I am just too close to love you'? That song reminds me of you and ****... " Well said step mom, well said... Oh well at least now I know... He must have caught "real" feelings for me and still isn't over them... *mind ***** for me cuz now I'm all confused.... I don't know. Whatever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToF Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 Or maybe he truly isn't interested in you? Stop making excuses for him. That, "He's too close to love you" stuff is just another line we tell ourselves when we're trying to get over someone. He isn't hanging out with you, because he doesn't want to. Saying it's because he has some deep-seated love for you only further complicates things, when here you are, already confused. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dontblink182 Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 Ummm Ok, I appreciate your advice, but you really don't know the full story. There is only so much that can be said on this forum... Like I've said before, I am looking to be friends with him and I have told him that so that he knows that I'm not interested, or expecting anything else. Also, a fact that you seem to be forgetting is that he is a FAMILY friend. I am pretty good friends with my step brother, and though the two of them have been friends a lot longer, this guy is no dummy and he wouldn't want to risk messing anything up for himself and my family. This is also his reasoning behind us not dating. You really don't know him and all that he has been through and all of the things that we used to talk about. Things about his military background (dealing with being a civilian for the first time in 5 years...) and his love life. BEFORE anything had happened with us, we WERE good friends. It was after a month of us hanging out and talking that he started to pursue me more and more. We Talked about everything and at the time I had told him to really think about what was going to happen with us if we went along with this kind of "friendship"... We were always open to talking about it and it was after another week of the two of us taking time to think about it.... that something had happened with us.... I would tell him things and he would tell me things and eventually, the way the "relationship" grew, we did get close... Which is something that he didn't want to do... For what reason? There are a few that I can think of... It would be one thing if we were both young, like 13-20... But we're both 23-24 years old and have had a few relationships in the past so we have some experience... I am not "making excuses" for him because I know what he is telling me is the truth. He isn't lying to me, he really has no reason to. He's more mature than that. He wouldn't tell me that he wants to be my friend and not mean it... If he was truly uninterested in me, he wouldn't waste his time with me and completely disregard EVERYTHING I say... He's also always respected me and my feelings. You make him out to be someone that I know he is NOT. And don't say "well how do you know"... Because, I just do. This isn't my first rodeo. I know the difference between a jerk and a nice guy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dontblink182 Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 Oh and it wasn't me that said that we were "too close" to love each other... It was my step mother... who I will mention again, has known the kid for 18 years... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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