No libido at all!

[Unsure2012]

Hi so I'm not sure what to do, I am very self conscious about my body as I am a 90kg women to his 70kg. We were both quite skinny when we got together and I guess we just got comfortable and we both gained weight but it was ok because we where both in the same boat and weighed about the same. Recently he has got a very physically demanding job and has lost 10kg meanwhile I've gained that much, so here I am feeling horrible about how I look and it's made worse by how wonderful he's looking. I don't feel good enough anymore, I'm suddenly very jealous, especially when I know that he works with ALOT of skinny and beautiful waitresses who he has admitted have flirted with him he swears that he didn't flirt back but it still makes me feel like cr ap. I'm afraid he's going to lose interest in me and that makes me feel horrible and not interested in sex. He gets upset because he wants it and I don't then I get frustrated because he then thinks I'm not attracted to him even though I've just told him its really me that's the problem, all I can think of when we do it is just all my fat giggling about and how disgusting I must look. I've even started faking My finish because I don't want to disappoint him, it's really not him at all I just can't shut out my dark thoughts. I've tried everything to loose this weight but nothing's worked, I've tried calorie counting, exercising constantly in both cardio and strength, eating on meal a day, eating multiple meals a day and I even tried starving my self nothing is working and my doctor won't help he just tells me I am obese and need to loose weight but not anyway to help! It's really fu*king up my sex life and I need some help to become more confident. I really don't know what else to do

[SapphireNoir10]

You could try speaking to a dietician or someone who specialises in weight loss/exercise/food etc who can recommend the best way for you to lose the weight.

[becomingkate]

It's so tough to change your lifestyle, but that is the only thing that works when you want to lose weight. At my thinnest I'm a size 12, and then I start to creep back up to a size 16 over several years. Then I get back to a 12, and it starts all over again. Right now I'm down 8 lbs so I feel a bit better already!

 

I'm afraid he's going to lose interest in me and that makes me feel horrible and not interested in sex. He gets upset because he wants it and I don't then I get frustrated because he then thinks I'm not attracted to him even though I've just told him its really me that's the problem, all I can think of when we do it is just all my fat giggling about and how disgusting I must look.

 

Can you see the cycle here? I understand how one can be self-conscious (me too) but there are tons of pretty nighties out there. Lots of bigger girls have the same insecurities yet do their best to overcome them for their partners. If you keep turning him down, and painting this really unattractive picture of yourself to him, he's eventually going to realize that you're not sexually compatible.

 

You have him and he loves you, and you have the ability to keep him.

 

I've tried everything to loose this weight but nothing's worked, I've tried calorie counting, exercising constantly in both cardio and strength, eating on meal a day, eating multiple meals a day and I even tried starving my self nothing is working and my doctor won't help he just tells me I am obese and need to loose weight but not anyway to help!

 

This is the only thing that works for me:

 

1. If I need to lose it fast, I follow a diet that has 1600 calories for two days, then 1200 calories for two days, then back to 1600 calories for two days and so on. I keep the carbs to less than 25 g /day. If I want to lose it slowly, I stay at 1600

 

2. I give up all carbonated beverages and juice (especially OJ)

 

3. I stay away from bread, baking, potatoes and white rice and substitute rutabagas, cauliflower or salad as the side dish

 

4. I do 20 minutes of strenuous activity every day (gardening, walking, cleaning or having sex)

 

The longest I've been able to maintain that lifestyle was three years; now that my youngest is 15 and diet conscious, it's becoming easier again.

 

My advice is to go shopping and get some silky PJ's. If your man likes lace, or see through stuff, look for nighties/baby dolls that have those features. What's your best feature? Capitalize on that. Also, make sure that the clothes you wear every day still fit and look flattering, and that your hair and nails always look good. Use lots of body lotion to keep your skin soft. It all adds to self confidence.

[Johnny Utah]

The first step is that you don't love yourself.

 

It projects to everything else, your thoughts, emotions and over-eating.

 

You will sabotage things if you keep acting in a self-fulfilling manner. Your happiness does not depend on him. You communicate some of it to him but you will have to accept that a relationship has to be worked on and both people have needs. Do your part as best you can without the faking. What becomingkate said should help.

 

But first accept that you can be happy just for yourself. Then go forward and try to do things for yourself like eating right, exercising and then feeling right.

[Unsure2012]

Thank you everyone, I still feel horrible about myself but my partner has said he will pay for a gym membership to help me get on my way, I even have a friend who is willing to come with me! it's going to be really hard and I don't know if ill be able to do this but I'm going to try. Thank you again you all made me feel better about this whole thing

[Roxie84]

My gosh, this all sounds very sad. Well, my best advice to you is to start working out a lot more, hire a personal trainer if you can afford one, and get the support of likeminded people.

 

I would definitely suggest joining link removed. Its a lot to look throught, but you can count your intake, get lots of medical advice, join teams with people who are in similar situations as yourself, and receive daily emails with workout and diet advice, as well as articles written by trainers, nutritionists, and other professionals

 

Additionally, try taking a look at something called the Dr Poon Diet (or alternatively, the South Beach Diet). I've incorporated both diets using recipes from their Phase 1 and Phase 2 plans - I used to weigh 320 LBS and am now 250 LBS If someone with my willpower can do it, I am CERTAIN that you can! Also, just working out for an hour every day (or every other day) will increase your libido all on its own

[Unsure2012]

Haha thank you, I started on a medication to help boost my metabolism and give me some more energy, I also joined the gym today and plan on going to it every other day

[upsndowns]

Unsure2012, let me first say that I am so sorry to hear that you're having this problem. It's so painful for people on either side--right now, I'm on the opposite side, the partner who is wondering why her boyfriend won't touch her.

 

I have also struggled with body image issues, and I can tell you right now, if you don't love your body now, losing weight isn't going to help as much as you think it is. Losing that extra 10 pounds (or stone?) is going to take time. Why should you have to wait 6 months to have an awesome sex life and a body you love? You can start that sooner. A really great website you might want to peruse is link removed. (*=u). It's a collection of gorgeous chubby women who love their bodies and are really proud of them. I find it really empowering. You look great now. Fat=/=ugly. Being healthy is really important, and changing your diet and exercising is a great way to get more energy and feel confident. But weight and health have been wrongly linked together by a culture driven by selling us things. They want to make weight a status symbol, so they parade around skinny women to make you feel worthless and then tell you that they're "only concerned about your health". Losing weight for health is great, but you can love yourself now.

 

If you do want to lose weight, I've started an all-raw food vegan diet recently because if I don't give myself some pretty concrete rules about diet, I end up gobbling down pizza and soda and all sorts of things that are really bad for me. I've already lost about 8 pounds, and it's only been two weeks. I personally don't like working out at the gym, because all of the super fit people there are really intimidating. I like working up a sweat at home with workout videos (because I'm still stuck in the 90s). They have some really great workouts on youtube (they even have belly dancing, which is so fun!), so you don't even have to spend a lot of money. Cardio is going to help you lose fat, and I hate sweating, so I like having something to follow along with to take my mind off of it. I have a lot of energy now, and I feel pretty good. Detoxing off of cooked food kind of sucks, but the food you can eat is pretty awesome (and you can eat A LOT whenever you want). Raw eating costs a bit more in groceries, but you can buy frozen fruit (or, at least I do) to make smoothies, and I tend to not get organic because of how expensive it is. It does cut costs on eating out, too. I'm trying not to make it about weight, because I don't want to get discouraged and stop if I don't lose weight, but I have lost kind of a lot pretty quickly.

 

In any case, get healthy because you love your body and you want to take care of it. Self-hatred will get you nowhere. You are so beautiful the way you are. Getting healthy habits (e.g. NOT starving yourself because that will do the opposite of what you want) is just a great way to love on the fabulousness that already is you. As the Great Ru Paul says, "if you don't love yourself, how the HELL are you gonna love somebody else?"

[upsndowns]

Oh, I also meant to say, if you're worried about how your partner feels about you not wanting sex, I would make sure that he knows that you find him attractive without him having to ask. If you happen to notice he looks good that day, tell him. If he's walking around in nothing but a towel, let him see you do a double take, or tell him how hot he is. Getting turned down so much can really be a blow to your partner's ego, so try to build him up in other ways. Also, a little cuddling can go a long way. For me at least, missing the intimacy of sex is really really hard. If he goes in to hug or hold you, let him pull away first. Hold his hand in public. Kiss at traffic lights. Try to sleep in the same bed as much as possible, be the big spoon (girls can and should be the big spoon sometimes!), put your arms around him. Even if you don't feel like sex, establishing some physical intimacy is really important. It will decrease your stress levels and strengthen your bond.

 

I know I kind of vomited a lot of opinion all over your thread, I've just been going through a lot of this myself and I have a lot of feeeelings.

Hope this helps!

[Unsure2012]

Thank you so much! You described what I realize I need to do, I've thought about stuff like all this and it's taken me 5 years to do something about it.. Like really do something about it. Currently I am on my second day of changing my lifestyle, I am sticking to a total calorie intake of 1400 per day, on a medication to boost my metabolismand help fight off cravings (prescribed by my doctor so it's safe lol) and have a full workout that the gym instructor made up for me when I joined yesterday morning. My workout includes tredmill, rowing machine and x-trainer(pretty much a more advanced way of walking up steps) and then strength exercises to strengthen my arms, legs and pecks, it takes me about 2 hours total I even have a friend who is coming with me. The gym I'm going to is 24hours, you just swipe your card and the door unlocks, we go at like 8:30-9 cos most people are at home already lol. To the other part of the comment ^.^ it's not like we don't touch at all.. It's just he wants more of me then I feel comfortable with at the moment. I get upset sometimes cos he won't let me lie on his chest or come spoon me while I have my shirt on and it makes me feel like he just wants to play with my breasts instead of just enjoying holding me. I'm working on it and he says he's gonna reward me every time I loose a bit of weight with a present ^.^ I'm feeling pretty good right now, my body is enjoying the gym(although I'm a bit sore!) already after 2 two hour workouts my skins clearer and I just feel better thanks again your opinion is very welcome ^.^

[becomingkate]

Good for you! Keep us updated!

[EQIQ]

1400 calories a day while working out hard... I don't know how that is going to play out. Depends on your size. But if you are able to keep this up, just pay attention to how you feel, if you star feeling way too weak, or disoriented, slowed mental capacity etc. Those can be signs of malnutrition, and then you might wanna up your calorie intake a bit.

 

A common mistake people make is to start out hard, and try and make huge calorie deficits, extreme workouts, and then burnout after a week or two. If you feel like your burning out, don't quit. Modify your calorie intake, and keep on exercising the same. You will find a good balance after a while and get used to it.

[upsndowns]

1400 calories a day while working out hard... I don't know how that is going to play out. Depends on your size. But if you are able to keep this up, just pay attention to how you feel, if you star feeling way too weak, or disoriented, slowed mental capacity etc. Those can be signs of malnutrition, and then you might wanna up your calorie intake a bit.

 

A common mistake people make is to start out hard, and try and make huge calorie deficits, extreme workouts, and then burnout after a week or two. If you feel like your burning out, don't quit. Modify your calorie intake, and keep on exercising the same. You will find a good balance after a while and get used to it.

 

I second this. I tried to do something similar--only eating 1400 calories a day-- and after less than a week, I was weak and I felt *awful*. This is far too little calories. I would focus on your quality of food first, not quantity. Staying full will help keep you on track and motivated. Also, starving yourself will make you retain water, and it will be almost impossible to lose fat. Just eat *healthy food* when you're hungry and stop eating when you're full.

[Avila]

I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling so great about yourself. But maybe it's just the kick in the pants you need. health is wealth after all.

 

Your partner obviously loves you and the fact that he wants sex is a good sign. he thinks you're lovely so don't stress so much about that right now.

 

Diet wise, and i cannot stress this enough, losing weight is 80 to 90 % what you eat. Working out helps, it's really great for you but a change in lifestyle is the secret to long term success. You'll see a lot of ppl who go to the gym and don't appear to lose any weight. it's because they haven't really changed their diet. so chuck out or give away any processed and fatty foods you currently have in your house and don't replace them. if it's not in the house, you can't eat it. also never go to the supermarket hungry!, lol. I do this all the time and i never learn my lesson! another one is have a nutritious and large breakfast (and no i don't mean eggs and bacon. try untoasted muesli with bananas and milk/ soy milk.) Also buy some untoasted nuts and different types of trail mix and keep it in your purse and work place. snack on it between meals when you get hungry.

 

Also, don't be hard on yourself if you have a lapse. It's counter productive. If you eat something not so great, relax and continue the day healthily. There is nothing worse than beating yourself up about a food choice and then spiralling. Get back on the wagon every time.

 

I currently eat a mostly vegan diet to keep the weight down on my small frame (when you're short 5kg gains can make you look big fast, lol.) I suggest you concentrate on whole foods as fresh as possible. Remember half a plate of veg/ fruit at a meal and then quarter portions of protein and a whole carb like brown rice. a good trick is drinking a glass of water before a meal and buying smaller dinner plates. Talk it all over with a dietition, they will have some great ideas.

 

remember that if you are reeeeally craving something, don't deny yourself. also have a cheat meal every week. whatever you want. don't ever feel guilty about it.

 

You'll feel up and down about this new lifestyle but don't give up. It can get hard but being healthy and feeling good about yourself makes it all worth it. i wish you lots and lots of luck xoxoxo look after yourself.