Follow-Up Question: He's Back from Vacation...

[gtnovru]

OP - Yeah, if it's gonna bug you... definitely reach out to him. Otherwise, you might have a difficult time "moving on". But if he doesn't reciprocate interest after your attempt, then let it go.

[DN]

I know a lot of women who agree with me on this. This "way" of looking at things is only from experience.

Yes, I know they do - that is why so many are lonely.

 

OP - don't be one of them.

[gtnovru]

Yes, I know they do - that is why so many are lonely.

 

OP - don't be one of them.

 

The women I'm referring to are women who DID pursue men when they should've walked away, demanding better.

 

I just think women need to self-protect... if a guy isn't showing enough interest or commitment, it's risky trying to pursue him. It's likely to end in rejection and heartbreak.

 

But I hope the best for the OP. I hope this guy proves these ideas wrong.

[theanonymoose]

In regards to the OP, I'm also of the opinion that if he had absolutely no interest, he wouldn't have contacted you when he got back. How much interest he has is an unknown - but there's probably at least a small iota there.

 

As for the guys chasing/girls pushing back state of affairs - I'm a guy in Australia in my mid-20's (so this may not apply to the dating cultures in other countries), but when it comes to the game of courting, I like to think I've gotten pretty decent at it over the years. If we push (ie. make contact, ask out, etc.) and we don't get positive responses, we'll often pull away - either to not come on too strong, or because we know that we should put our effort into someone that actually cares that we're making said effort. Push-pull theory is basic psychology when it comes to courting/dating, so if a guy is doing all the pushing, he's going against the natural instincts of the woman, so he's not going to do too well in many cases (I'd say most, but I have no figures to back that up).

 

Basically, as a guy that knows he has a lot to offer and can surely find someone worth his time - I have no qualms being the main instigator of conversations or asking out or anything like that. But if a girl stops responding positively, I'll pull away until she changes her tune.

 

I used to think that the guy and girl should always do 50% of the instigating of stuff, but about 6 years ago I was dating a fantastic girl, but noticed I was the one starting most of the chats and organising most of the dates, so I felt like she probably should, and decided to stop texting her and see what happened. She never got back in touch, and I regret doing that. With how things between us were going I'm pretty sure we would've kept dating for a while if I hadn't made that mistake, and I knew afterwards that I had never actually minded doing the instigating. I'm pretty sure she thought I had just lost interest and moved on.

 

So basically - as a decent guy, I have no qualms instigating most conversations or meet up requests, but if the girl doesn't respond positively I'm likely to pull away until she does.

[Lucy3]

i don't think there is anything wrong with you asking him to dinner or for a drink, whatever the outcome at least you can be rest assured you made the effort with him.

[Candied Storm]

I agree, if he had no interest he wouldn't have contacted you. Its easier to fade out when you already have an excuse (oooh, I was on vacation! I lost your number! etc.) He contacted you, but he could have been hesitant because YOU didn't contact him while he was gone.

 

Try to set up a date, it doesn't hurt to initiate - just be like 'Hey, I have an hour free after work' or 'hey, I need an excuse to try out this new coffee/restaurant/bar, up for it?' and see where it goes.

 

Don't let missed opportunities pass you by. Its better to have regrets than a bunch of 'what-ifs'.

 

Tell us how it goes!

[Generation]

I gave myself a few hours to finish up my afternoon activities and then replied, welcoming him back and asking him how his trip went. He replied immediately, saying it was good, and that he was incredibly tired. I just wrote back "Cool" to try and match his indifferent communication, and see if he'd bite. He replied "Indeed...!!" And that was that.

 

If a woman texted "cool" after something like that, then I know something's up. She doesn't sound exciting to hear from me at all, did she find someone else? As an ice breaker, I can see myself texting "Indeed...!!" to gauge her interest level a little more. I'm just trying to put myself in his shoes. Kinda hard to ask someone out when all they say to you is "cool".

 

I've been keeping up, and I honestly don't see him really doing anything wrong or out of the ordinary, he was in China wasn't he? but I do see you possibly sabotaging this without even knowing it.

 

Anyone watched That 70's Show?

 

[Lucy3]

If a woman texted "cool" after something like that, then I know something's up. She doesn't sound exciting to hear from me at all, did she find someone else? As an ice breaker, I can see myself texting "Indeed...!!" to gauge her interest level a little more. I'm just trying to put myself in his shoes. Kinda hard to ask someone out when all they say to you is "cool".

 

The OP said that she welcomed him back and asked him how his trip was. HE was the one seeming un interested by saying it was good and that he was tired. That is a very vague and boring message to reply back to a welcome text. He didn't try and engage in any conversation with questions or anything but the OP did. I do agree that the OP could have written something a bit more engaging than 'cool' but she was only matchinf his level of stand-off-ishness, which he started.

 

I think in this case the guy and the OP are both unsure of whether either wants to pick up from where they left off before he went on the trip. An offer of a date from either of them would get the ball rolling.

 

Keep us updated OP!

[Lucy3]

If a woman texted "cool" after something like that, then I know something's up. She doesn't sound exciting to hear from me at all, did she find someone else? As an ice breaker, I can see myself texting "Indeed...!!" to gauge her interest level a little more. I'm just trying to put myself in his shoes. Kinda hard to ask someone out when all they say to you is "cool".

 

The OP said that she welcomed him back and asked him how his trip was. HE was the one seeming un interested by saying it was good and that he was tired. That is a very vague and boring message to reply back to a welcome text. He didn't try and engage in any conversation with questions or anything but the OP did. I do agree that the OP could have written something a bit more engaging than 'cool' but she was only matchinf his level of stand-off-ishness, which he started.

 

I think in this case the guy and the OP are both unsure of whether either wants to pick up from where they left off before he went on the trip. An offer of a date from either of them would get the ball rolling.

 

Keep us updated OP!

[Generation]

Either way, saying it was "good and feeling tired" seems like a typical response, doesn't it? But then responding with "cool"... that's where I think it goes downhill completely. Alternatively, she could've been like "well you should get some rest", which is pretty indifferent but not as cold as "cool".

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I am generally unimpressed with texting and I don't take that to mean much. But I would also communicate that I prefer phone conversations to anyone I just started dating.

[falldownkid]

Tell him you'd love to hear about his trip and suggest a meet up. That'll give you an answer about where the two of you stand pretty quick.

[FathomFear]

I think one problem here is that the OP's entire tone is that of "I need to test this guy". She's expecting him to show excitement, etc, whereas she has no such expectation for herself.

 

I think this is a trap that many people fall into, especially straight women. They're used to guys being the ones that need to prove or demonstrate how engaged they are. I mean, could the guy have been more excited and texted something like "Had a great vacation and I can't WAIT to see you!"? Sure, he could have. But the OP could have done the same thing. Ultimately they're both equally guilty of acting rather drab. It's not one person's responsibility to behave this way.

[minorissues]

I think one problem here is that the OP's entire tone is that of "I need to test this guy". She's expecting him to show excitement, etc, whereas she has no such expectation for herself.

 

I think this is a trap that many people fall into, especially straight women. They're used to guys being the ones that need to prove or demonstrate how engaged they are. I mean, could the guy have been more excited and texted something like "Had a great vacation and I can't WAIT to see you!"? Sure, he could have. But the OP could have done the same thing. Ultimately they're both equally guilty of acting rather drab. It's not one person's responsibility to behave this way.

 

Wow I'm extremely appreciative of all the dialogue that my thread has managed to generate, because it has given me a lot to think about and a lot of potential courses of action to follow. So thank you all for that, and I welcome any and all additional thoughts!

 

But I just want to chime in again and point out that prior to his trip, I had done my share of showing interest. I planned our last two dates. I called or texted a couple of times a week (he did the majority of it but I did my best to meet him in the middle.) I made it clear that I wanted to see him before he left for his trip and teasingly assured him I'd miss him while he was gone. Plus, before he left, as I think I posted earlier in the thread in answer to DN's initial question, he had significantly delayed responding to two of my attempted communications (a text and then a call) in twice as many days without any explanation, so that, coupled with his seeming disinterest in conversation after 2 weeks of silence, seemed to be asking for a "test" of his interest in seeing me again.

 

Also, I really didn't expect anything as dramatic as "can't WAIT to see you!" I just expected something that might generate conversation. Even a "I'm so tired, how've you been?" would have been acceptable. But he basically didn't show interest in engaging in conversation with me, let alone seeing me, and I don't think that's something that warranted me begging for a conversation.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you've laid out a situation where he's not all that interested. So it's up to you to decide how you want to move forward - either reach out and try to arrange dinner or move on unless he contacts you to meetup.

[minorissues]

I think you've laid out a situation where he's not all that interested. So it's up to you to decide how you want to move forward - either reach out and try to arrange dinner or move on unless he contacts you to meetup.

 

Yeah you're most likely right about his interest level, but I figure I don't have much to lose by poking him one more time. I took the plunge and texted him this morning, just a general good morning and asking how he's readjusting to the time zone, and he responded pretty wittily, so I asked him if he'd like to meet for dinner later this week because I'd love to hear more about his trip. Still awaiting a response. If I get anything less than an enthusiastic yes, I'll consider it my answer and wash my hands of the whole thing.

 

I think what bugs me more than anything is he's a man in his 40's and not a teenager. Is it really so hard to just say "Sorry, I'm not feeling this"? Why keep texting when he's lost interest? If that's the case, he's acting very juvenile, I think.

[Ms Darcy]

I would not go so far as to call him juvenile for not responding the way you want him to. I would just say that he's responding in line with his level of interest.

 

I would also strongly encourage you to not text as a way to communicate.

[MJWasHere]

I am very interested in seeing how this plays out. Reason being, I feel I'm in a similar situation. I have a guy whom I've been "seeing" for a month and a half, but we've only been able to actually go out a few times, due to our schedules. HOwevr we always texted all the time and stuff. Since the last time we went out (and yes we did have sex that time), his interest seems spotty.

 

Part of me thinks, well he's obviously not interested in anymore. But part of me thinks, then why is he still initiating texts with me. For instance, back when things were very "hot" between us with the peak of our communication, he would usually text me "good morning doll baby" or "good morning sunshine", and he has done that 2 times this past week. (its been about 10 days since last saw him). Why would he keep doing that? I really dont feel he's the "player" type trying to just string me along as an option. We are both very busy with kids/work/school. I've also noticed his texts lately arent open-ended, like he will text me out o the blue but doesnt ask a question or open a conversation - its more like hit and run texting.

 

Why not just fade completely away if youve lost interest?

[minorissues]

I would not go so far as to call him juvenile for not responding the way you want him to. I would just say that he's responding in line with his level of interest.

 

I would also strongly encourage you to not text as a way to communicate.

 

Hm. Well I'm not calling him juvenile for not responding the way I want him to. I just think he's been around the block enough times to have a pretty good idea of what he wants and doesn't want, as far as a relationship with a woman. Does he want to continue dating me or not? If not, what's the point of keeping things open ended? From an "adult" standpoint, where there's limited time and resources to devote to things outside of work, errands, family, etc., why not just close dead end chapters of your life and move on to the next productive thing? Of course, that last part can apply to me as well, if he's not giving me what I want, but hey...if he was the first to decide it wasn't working for him, what productive reason could there be for not just ending things formally and decisively?

 

In any case, by way of an update, he replied to my text and said dinner later this week works for him. Of course there's still time for him to cancel, flake out last minute, or show up and drag his feet/look miserable but I'll try to just keep on trucking until then and hope for the best...and at the very least, some sort of resolution.

[Ms Darcy]

Hm. Well I'm not calling him juvenile for not responding the way I want him to.

 

I just think he's been around the block enough times to have a pretty good idea of what he wants and doesn't want, as far as a relationship with a woman. Does he want to continue dating me or not? If not, what's the point of keeping things open ended? From an "adult" standpoint, where there's limited time and resources to devote to things outside of work, errands, family, etc., why not just close dead end chapters of your life and move on to the next productive thing?

 

That is a lot of extrapolation from very limited evidence. You don't know everything about his experiences, his thought processes, or even what he wants. I would go so far as to say there isn't a universally agreed upon playbook for how to move on for adults.

 

You said in another thread that you learned that some men don't like to communicate by phone and you had to stop demanding/expecting them to react the way you want. I am not saying this guy is totally into you, but I am saying that I would be careful about making assumptions that there are such universal truths for the things you mentioned as you continue dating in the future.

[minorissues]

OK so on to my next neuroses...

 

We're meeting tomorrow for dinner. I've been racking my brain for what I want this dinner to accomplish...(a) just look for signs that he's still interested/affectionate? (b) Have a good time, "remind" him of how much fun we had at the beginning, then leave the ball in his court? Or © have a good time and then close the night by saying how I've had a great time getting to know him, but feel that he's been distant lately, and that I'm wondering whether he'd like to continue seeing me?

 

Thoughts, y'all?

[DN]

I think b) is best providing the reminding is by your attitude and behaviour rather than verbalised. c) is not at all a good idea.

[Klokwurk]

OK so on to my next neuroses...

 

We're meeting tomorrow for dinner. I've been racking my brain for what I want this dinner to accomplish...(a) just look for signs that he's still interested/affectionate? (b) Have a good time, "remind" him of how much fun we had at the beginning, then leave the ball in his court? Or © have a good time and then close the night by saying how I've had a great time getting to know him, but feel that he's been distant lately, and that I'm wondering whether he'd like to continue seeing me?

 

Thoughts, y'all?

 

Do all of the above! You sound like a very wise, charming, well-adjusted girl - no fear!

[Klokwurk]

Eh, DN might be right... c) looks a bit weak... But if that is the clincher that puts you off his radar, did you really want to be with this guy in the first place? Just my opinion.

[minorissues]

Well thanks all, for the advice. I went out for dinner with the dude last night and since I'm feeling slightly disappointed and need to vent a little, I thought I'd update and get some final thoughts on the matter.

 

When we met up at the restaurant, near my office, which is a half an hour train ride from his FWIW, he seemed upbeat and he actually kissed me hello. We chatted for awhile but the restaurant was kind of loud and we could barely hear one another over the music/chatter, so added to how unbalanced I felt about where we stood, things got awkward super fast. I felt like he was defensive and snappy at certain points about certain things, so knowing these negative signs from earlier relationships I decided to just go with the flow, not get argumentative, and not try to change the course of anything. We then took a walk over to a bar nearby which I had wanted to check out for awhile, had a few drinks, talked a bit more about a few things which we'd never really talked about before (oddly enough weddings, exes, weird things like that.) Overall though, our vibe was friendly, more so than romantic. He jokingly mentioned a few times that we should have met up in his town, which I assume had ribald implications, but when i asked why he hadn't invited me, he said "Well, you can always invite yourself!" When it was time for him to catch his train back home, he walked me to the train station and we proceeded to make out (he initiated) and then we said goodbye, and he left. So I guess that's that. I didn't bring up where our relationship was going or anything like that because I figured it was pretty obvious things weren't really on track.

 

Anyway, I'm just going to let it go for now, assume it's over, and live my life. But I still find myself wondering, what's all that about? Why bother meeting up for dinner in my town on a work night, kiss me hello and goodbye, and then be distant, friendly, and sometimes grumpy? Why not break things off when the "relationship" has obviously run its course? Any thoughts on why people do this? Feeling inquisitive and a bit sensitive today.....

 

Sigh.