minorissues Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 OK so follow-up to my last thread, submitted for your perusal. Guy I was dating regularly for about a month, give or take, went on a 2 week vacation out of the country for work/pleasure/to see family. We didn't stay in touch during his vacation, and though a bit apprehensive, I went about my life as usual to see what would transpire when he returned. To reiterate some key info here, I'm in my early 30s, he's in his early 40s. Prior to his vacation, we kept in touch daily, with him initiating majority of texts and calls during that time. So yesterday, early in the afternoon, he texted me, just saying he was back in the country. Frankly, I was surprised he bothered to text at all after 2 weeks of silence during his vacation, and even more surprised that he would text something so vague and impersonal. I gave myself a few hours to finish up my afternoon activities and then replied, welcoming him back and asking him how his trip went. He replied immediately, saying it was good, and that he was incredibly tired. I just wrote back "Cool" to try and match his indifferent communication, and see if he'd bite. He replied "Indeed...!!" And that was that. So my read of this is...probably not a great sign, but really, where do I go from here? I have some ideas but I'm just curious as to others' thoughts on this whole thing and how I should proceed. If it weren't for the daily communication before his trip, and the bothering to text me when he got back, I'd probably write him off as disinterested, delete his number, cry and eat a tub of ice cream, and move on with my life, but now I'm not entirely sure how to proceed....
Heather Dawn Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 It doesn't sound good, in all honesty. Your exchange sounded very cool, detached and not at all like two people who are supposed to be dating - even for just a month. While it's interesting that he bothered to text you at all, it seems the tone was much more casual than you were hoping for/expecting.
DN Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 He contacted you to tell you he was back - why didn't you suggest meeting up?
minorissues Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 He contacted you to tell you he was back - why didn't you suggest meeting up? Well, a few reasons. First, though he had initiated most of the daily contact prior to his trip, I had initiated the last two dates. Second, the two days before he left, he had delayed responding to a text and a call, which is very uncharacteristic of our previous interactions (he did respond eventually, but for someone who had always picked up calls immediately before, two delayed reactions in as many days was odd.) And third, the lack of communication during his trip. Alone, each of these things would not be natural and not troubling. But taken together and in succession, I thought it meant the ball was sort of in his court. Am I completely off base here?
Klokwurk Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Eh... Ive been keeping up with this, and this doesnt seem like a positive development. If I got back from a two week trip, I would be head over heels excited to get to see the girl I was dating. Really though, I would ask him to coffee or something and gauge his position by his body language. Then you will really know if its over or not.
browneyedgirl36 Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Eh... Ive been keeping up with this, and this doesnt seem like a positive development. If I got back from a two week trip, I would be head over heels excited to get to see the girl I was dating. Really though, I would ask him to coffee or something and gauge his position by his body language. Then you will really know if its over or not. I agree with this. See if he'll go to coffee; if he doesn't want to, or is iffy about it (i.e. not making concrete plans), you'll have your answer. If you go and he acts aloof or weird, you'll probably have your answer, too. If he's enthusiastic, you'll have a different answer. He might not be sure how to proceed after being gone for two weeks, so it might take some prodding from you to get things going again. Of course, this may not work out how you hope it will, but it's worth it to see what happens.
gtnovru Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I think HE needs to make the plans. He's the one who's been gone... I think it's so odd that he never contacted you while he was away. Sounds sketchy - and his cool behavior when he returned - I don't know about this guy. I say stop contact until he shows more effort and asks you out again.
Ms Darcy Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 You are welcome to ask him to hang out with you to gauge his body language, but I would just let it ago. If he wants to reach out to you and hang out then he can, but NORMALLY if he is interested then after a long break he would engage in conversation and ask you to hang out. At most you can ask him if he would like to hang out and see what he says, but it does not look good.
eggsandcheese Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 What's your favorite flavor of ice cream? I like chocolate and PB myself. Let him go, it sounds like his interest has plunged.
DN Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 If he had zero interest he would not have told you he was back from vacation.
minorissues Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 If he had zero interest he would not have told you he was back from vacation. I agree with this, actually, which is why I was reluctant to completely write him off. I have been in his position before, back from a long vacation and faced with contacting a guy I had begun dating before my trip but didn't feel any long-term compatibility with...and generally I would not bother to contact at all out of apprehension of being asked to hang out. So this text...I think it conveys SOME interest, though perhaps not at the level I am hoping for. I'm not even entirely sure that he knows how interested he is, at this point. In any case, I think I'll go ahead and give him a little while to sleep off his jet lag and unpack, then give a call and see how (or if) he responds. I'm not good at leaving things hanging, so if it doesn't go well, then at least I can move forward knowing I did everything I could to figure out the deal.
gtnovru Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 In any case, I think I'll go ahead and give him a little while to sleep off his jet lag and unpack, then give a call and see how (or if) he responds. I'm not good at leaving things hanging, so if it doesn't go well, then at least I can move forward knowing I did everything I could to figure out the deal. Just because a guy makes some contact, doesn't necessarily mean something... Guys are tough to read sometimes, but, generally speaking, if a guy isn't making much effort... a few texts should be written off, especially if he hasn't asked you out again. A guy who is truly interested chases the girl himself, without needing the help of the girl to encourage him. But, if you can't let this go, then try it... but my recent BU showed me that chasing a guy who shows any lack of interest is always a bad idea.
DN Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Just because a guy makes some contact, doesn't necessarily mean something... Guys are tough to read sometimes, but, generally speaking, if a guy isn't making much effort... a few texts should be written off, especially if he hasn't asked you out again. A guy who is truly interested chases the girl himself, without needing the help of the girl to encourage him.With respect, that is completely not true and shows a lack of understanding of most men.
gtnovru Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 That's been my experience 100%. Therefore, it's not completely not true. I didn't say EVERY guy was like that... but, from my experience, most guys are. If the guy is really interested, he makes time, makes effort. And we should only pursue men who are really interested. A little bit of interest isn't good enough. We shouldn't settle for a little bit of interest. A guy who doesn't contact me the entire 2 weeks he's away... then texts me some aloof comments... and doesn't ask me out... No thank you. I deserve better than that. Plus, that's a red flag in my book.
DN Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I suggest you spend more time reading threads on here from guys, particularly shy guys, and it may change your thinking. There are so many that completely contradict the way you think about men.
gtnovru Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I suggest you spend more time reading threads on here from guys, particularly shy guys, and it may change your thinking. There are so many that completely contradict the way you think about men. If the OP had mentioned he was shy and timid, I would've responded differently. But she didn't say that. She said they had been seeing each other regularly before he left. Which indicates that his lack of contact has nothing to do with him being shy. OP, feel free to correct me if he is actually shy. But I didn't get that impression from your post.
DN Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Doesn't matter - the point is that he did contact when he returned from vacation. If he wasn't interested what would be the point of doing that?
Lucy3 Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Doesn't matter - the point is that he did contact when he returned from vacation. If he wasn't interested what would be the point of doing that? Some guys like to know they are wanted, they say one thing but mean something different. Don't get me wrong, girls do this too. Perhaps this guy wznted his ego stroked a bit when he got back and tested the water to see if there was any interest still from this girl, even if he had no intention of actually persuing things with the OP when he got back. Guys have done this kind of thing many times to me.
gtnovru Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Doesn't matter - the point is that he did contact when he returned from vacation. If he wasn't interested what would be the point of doing that? Haha - if only the true feelings and intentions of men could be guaged by text messaging (or words). Sadly, they cannot. I learned that the hard way. If every text and word my ex said/sent... were indicative of his true feelings... I wouldn't be on this site, dealing with a devastating BU. In other words - a few texts don't mean anything. They should - but they don't. Actions always speak louder.
DN Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Haha - if only the true feelings and intentions of men could be guaged by text messaging (or words). Sadly, they cannot. I learned that the hard way. If every text and word my ex said/sent... were indicative of his true feelings... I wouldn't be on this site, dealing with a devastating BU. In other words - a few texts don't mean anything. They should - but they don't. Actions always speak louder.And the action that matters here is that he contacted the OP on return from his vacation. If the OP also wants actions to speak louder - then she can ask him out. Life in the 21st Century.
gtnovru Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 And the action that matters here is that he contacted the OP on return from his vacation. If the OP also wants actions to speak louder - then she can ask him out. Life in the 21st Century. In relationships, text messages are words not actions. We cannot view text messages as actions. Again, I learned that the very hard way. A man saying "I love you" via text, although the actual texting is literally an action, it's not truly showing it. It can be very confusing - unfortunately. Him meeting up with her for a date - is an action. Him sending some texts after he returns - just words.
DN Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I think you have an unusual way of looking at things. In any event, OP, I still recommend asking him out.
gtnovru Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I know a lot of women who agree with me on this. This "way" of looking at things is only from experience.
minorissues Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 Hmm your responses are all very insightful, and much appreciated. The sad thing is, I could probably understand this behavior from a twenty-something, but this was my first time dating someone a bit older than me, and I'm frankly a bit disappointed that someone in his 40's might be resorting to sending out texts to a woman he may not be into just to have his ego stroked. Seems a bit childish. I think I will still most likely contact him, not because I expect anything one way or the other, but because I don't do well with gray areas. Sure, there's a 99% chance that he's lost interest for whatever reason, but that 1% chance that he's confused/jet-lagged/depressed/insecure is going to keep me up at night if I don't give him one last hint that I'm interested and see how he responds. I have no intention whatsoever of chasing him...I've done my share of hardcore chasing once or twice in the past and learned my lesson pretty quickly. I don't see one phone call as having the potential to do much harm, and at least it will rip that Band-Aid off quickly rather than dragging things out for another week or two.
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