delicous Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 He put me through HE double hocky stick!.......And at the same time managed to be the sweetest man but not at all worth trusting, he broke me too many times and it's time to really try to do me this time around. He told me he would leave me alone, and if he does try to come back to not let him because he will be up to the same games...... He broke up with me because he couldn't get his ex out of his head, so I fought it and told him this is BS because we just got back together and I thought it was just him and I.....A lot went on, I guess he's always thought about her, so its time for me to really try to heal..... So DAY 1 of recovery: Got up this morning, drove to the store, got a few thins frm the store, did a work out video, but didn't succeed because its been way too long since I worked out....Since I had my abortion, I was afraid to work out, in fear of tearing something.................BUT it's time to stop being afraid and I decided to try today and it felt exhausting, but good......I gave up when my body started hinting to me to give up..... I am writing here on enotalone because quite a few of you have followed me through my journy of disappointment and I need help healing..... So this is it, this time, its really time to heal.........It sucks like non other because I loved him so sooooooo much and I hate that this other girl is getting the best of him, but.......he didn't feel the connection with me that he did with her, even though he begged for me back this time around and swore itd be different, he even discussed living together....I know I screwed up by being very dictating and demanding, but I felt like he wasn't being honest and just kept not keeping in touch......I felt like I deserved more attention than he was willing to give me...He told me whenever we got back together that hed answer his phone, but he didn't always and at one point I just got very controlling. I got mad at him for drinking at the bar, I got mad at him for not calling me back........I don't know whats wrong with me, I really wanted him this time around, yet I got hurt again....I hurt him and myself....................... I know it takes two to work things out, and for some reason I put all of the weight on HIM to fix it.... -----These are feelings of guilt today-------I hope this feeling doesn't continue! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delicous Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 Day 1 was hard: I woke up happy and feeling more free but as the day grew, my feelings also did and I started to msg him through txt and I also tried calling once, but hung up before it rang a second time...... After I came home from some shopping, I msgd him saying i wish he had like some type of temporary bi polarness or something, but yea, i don't think thats the case, it was like a LOL moment for me, but probaly not for him because he prob didn't think it was funny and prob feels im not respecing his choice.....Which is the LAST thing I should be doing because I want him to change and I want him to want to change.....GRRR this sucks, day one was a BUST! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delicous Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 Right before I am about to head to bed and I miss him like craaaazy! I don't even know why Im thinking this, but I took pics of myself in my new cute bra, and thought about sending them to him.........................................maybe later this week? I don't know....I don't know why Im thinking what I am thinking, itd be manipulation not him realizing he loves me....grrr HIm and I all both so addicted to sex...just thought it was only with "eachother..." I feel like its been a while since I had it and I am really wanting it, but ......yeah, if I lead that idea in his head, it will just break us even more.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stickman Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 Sorry to hear about your situation. I know that it sucks. As you are well aware, it is ok to feel bad and you know this will take time to get over. If you want to... It is normal to fixate on things we did wrong in hopes of change. It's also normal to feel that if we dwell on it that somehow things will get better and we will figure it out. OR worse, by thinking and dwelling on it, it somehow connects us to the other person. Well...these things dont fix the problem in the short term. I always have found that when you are faced with a bad situation, it is best to focus on the reality that this is a short term situation that wont last forever and that you CAN and WILL get through it. Your brain has to get out of bad mental habits and thinking about the solution. And more often the solution is to get moving in a different direction. If and when things get that bad, you have to remember that things are best in the beginning when they are the most fresh. So know that it will feel better when you are in another fresh relationship down the road. I am sure that you are worth more than having to put up with this situation you are in now. When the glass is that shattered and broken, like your relationship is, no matter what you try to do to glue things back together, the cracks will always be there. Time to toss out the broken glass I think. Focus on the good things and traits that you have....write them down!!! And remind yourself that you are worth being loved. A new fresh love that is out there waiting for you down the road. Stay busy doing things that occupy your mind. Work on your body. Eat right. Sleep well and things CAN change. Hope this helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delicous Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 It did, thank you stickman....for the encouragement.....DAY2 is just as slummy as DAY 1, but it has not ended quite yet, I still have time to turn it around and try to focus on me. It's hard when all you want is a call back from the person who in my mind.....can put things back together if he really wanted to...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delicous Posted September 25, 2012 Author Share Posted September 25, 2012 End of Day 2: I went through some down falls, like checking my phone and thinking about calling him, but im pretty sure thats normal...I didn't let my thoughts of him affect my job one bit, which im proud of myself for because in the past, ive lost jobs over crying at work or letting my mood effect my mood on the phone towards customers...It was never intentional, but thats how DEEEP this goes for me....It followed me through work, hanging with friends and even when we were STILL together, waiting for him to call me, wondering if he called me, wondering what I did to make him not want to talk to me or call me.....THE LIST GOES ON...He ignored me once for an entire weekend because his exs bday was being thrown at his house....It was TERRIBLE! And I still stuck around, not long after breaking up with him, just to get back together with him....THAT TIME....I know I should of let it ride.....and let him contact me, but at the time, I felt like in so much competition with his ex, that i had to reach out to him....So I sent him dirty, flirty pics of me and RING RING the phone goes.... Im just reflecting, but definetly not at all over him yet..... I love him and always will, don't think the words " I HATE HIM" will ever come out of my mouth as an honest feeling that I have, but who knows...Breakups can be pretty nasty......I miss him a lot, and its not going away YET!.......I think about before I go to bed, but I AM able to sleep without too much waking up...I havn't cried all day today, just mopes a little this morning while singing songs! I sing to mysef to get feelings and emotions out!....I also write and talk to people, vent a lot.....I need lots of venting to feel happy....which kinda sucks, because sometimes I wish I was like some of the strong people in my life who keep all there emotions bottled up....Im just NOT that person, I have tried and tried and tried to be that person, but its not in the stars for me lol.... Im feeling ok, able to laugh and function...just took out the trsh, still need to put a new trash bag in....need to pay electricity, other than that.......not much is bothering me, just still feel like life would be much better if hed get his stuff together and be with me....Notice how I say "GET HIS STUFF TOGETHER".........haha if it ever happens, id be on coud 9...........hes gorgeous, but has old features to him , ike the circles underneath his eyes and i can tell when he gets even older, he will have smokers wrinkles.......He smokes, thats another thing I CAN'T STAND, but was willing to SETTLE for................He says he is trying to quit, but he isn't...just like th emany many times, he said he will stop talking to his ex and be with me...Hes a failure as of right now, but I hope he realizes it and changes.....but I know hes the only one who can make that happen.....There is nothing I can do or say to make him, so I gotta quick thinkin that way.....NC is def in the marks but in all honestly......I plan to eventually answer whn he calls or call him....I fear he will have my # blocked once I try reaching out to him...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 You're doing OK so far, but...you really need to NOT call him. Didn't you say he was back with his ex? If so, calling him is a really bad idea. I'm sorry, I know it's hard -- believe me, I've been there as well -- but calling him when he's with someone else is a terrible idea. You are still focusing on HIM, HIM, HIM. You need to shift that focus to YOU. I know I'm repeating myself, but that's what it comes down to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delicous Posted September 25, 2012 Author Share Posted September 25, 2012 I dont know for sure if hes back with her, all i know is that she was in his head....not necessarily back together.......but I know what ur sayin, i just cant make any garentees....i wont back peddle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 I dont know for sure if hes back with her, all i know is that she was in his head....not necessarily back together.......but I know what ur sayin, i just cant make any garentees....i wont back peddle The more distance/space you have from him, the less likely you are to backpedal. Again, I say this from experience. I'm not trying to be hard on you, but I've BEEN there -- I thought there was NO way I'd be able to NOT have my ex in my life. I honestly couldn't picture my life without him in it at one point. I couldn't imagine being happy without him. I cried all the time. I thought of him constantly. I let him back into my life several times even after I promised myself I wouldn't. It got to the point where I didn't know who I was anymore -- I was this sad, desperate woman who had lost her self-respect. Then, I got sick of it, and I made a change. I don't have the opportunity to go total NC with my ex with him because I work with him, and I've still managed to mostly get over him. I have pangs of loss and grief at times, but now, I can totally see a life without him. I have gone out on dates with other guys. I have made huge changes in my life. I am happy -- with my job, my friends, my hobbies. I am healthy and confident and "me" again -- an even better me, actually. I still love him -- I probably always will -- but I am "letting him go with love" as several of the posters on this site always advocate. It CAN be done. You just have to be really, really sick of being on a rollercoaster, of compromising your self-respect, of accepting less than you deserve. Maybe you haven't reached that point yet. I hope someday you will, for your sake. Life is WAY too short to waste time crying and grieving over some guy. Trust me. I'm 42, and I've learned a LOT just over the past few years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delicous Posted September 26, 2012 Author Share Posted September 26, 2012 Day 3--- I miss him, didnt let it affect my day....Just after work, keep thinkin about him, doesnt help that my bestfriend is tellin me about how we got back together again in her dream...... Last break of the day, I looked at my phn, realized he hadn't called and almost started crying for a minute, but then snapped out of it..... But yea, im like sitting in my apartment in the dark, like just venting to my bestie about how much I miss him and that calculating past experience and past actions, he will most likely come back....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gtnovru Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 I think... actually I know... I mostly miss sex with my ex... That's the hardest part... not getting it from him anymore. Damn it was good : ( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delicous Posted September 26, 2012 Author Share Posted September 26, 2012 Thats a lot to do with me too, but its not everything, there is a lot more to it in my eyes....might be just that for him, but not for me.....I seen so much more in him then just sex and he knows it and I think he got scared and took the high road because thats all he knows...............I miss him so much...Its getting to be the end of the night and I still gotta take a shower and tiddy up my place, but ill prob just take a shower and head straight to bed........Lastnight it took me close to 2 hours to fall asleep, while laying in BED!!!! I seriously can't stop thinking about him...its exhausting, I do love him, just wish he loves me the way I do him.........I KNOW he doesn't love her the way he loves me, there is NO way!!!...She might be a great friend and like a sister to him, but I was the women in his life and a friend and lover......She CAN'T be that,, and never will be....She might be his homie, but I was his QUEEN....I am in denial possibly, probaly definetly am, but I seriously do not plan to let him go!!!! I was able to depend on him, but I know there is more to it, this can't be the end.....................................=( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delicous Posted September 26, 2012 Author Share Posted September 26, 2012 Day 4- Its taking me longer and longer to climb out of bed and face the day....... I still miss him so much and wonder if he even thinks about us anymore.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stickman Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 You would have to just trust me on this because I have been there just like you...and that is what brought me to this site so MANY years ago. I could not eat, could not sleep, and was in deep depression. Almost hard to believe my life had gotten so bad. I lost a ton of weight, then lost my job and then a few months later my dad died from cancer. I tell you this because my life is now so much better than it has ever been. And what I took from all this tramma I went through is that I got to know ME. In the end, I learned to make myself happy... I learned that there are plenty of others that would love to be with me....(and that are just as good in bed!!!) And...life is what you make of it...no matter how old you are. No matter if you are 21 years old or 60...there is still so much to live and love for. But YOU have to want to life and love. And every love is different from the last...as the different people in the relationship. Get outside. Learn something new. Know that it will take baby steps each day to get to a goal....but set some small goals to reach. I hope this helps. Chin up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delicous Posted September 27, 2012 Author Share Posted September 27, 2012 Stickman, im sorry to hear a bout your situation, it does sound similar except my dad is alive.......I feel like its the opposite for me though, like because I lost a few jobs over him, Im stronger and feel like Im more stable than I use to be when it comes to showing my feelings or "controlling" them....I noticed you are a MALE?.............So Im a bit confused, so a WOMAN put you through all of this????.....Don't even know how that is possible because we are so careing and nurturing, but I guess some aren't........... I keep thinking and re thinking how him and I just got back together a week ago, I just caught myself stareing at my door with deep thought remembering how him and I got back together whenever I opened that door, each and everytime being very similar except this last time, I really believed him....How do I let him go? How do I move forward, why move forward when him and I have tried so hard......Spent so much time trying to make it work... It's seriously crashing down on my like a ton of bricks!! It really hurts.....I am literally afraid to try to call him or text him in fear that he blocked my number because he is trying to let me go or I may push him further away by trying to contact him and he may not think I take him seriously or respect him.....Ive already txted him letting him know what I think we could of done , what we need to work on and it took up about 5 text trying to get my point accross.........then I admitted I wished he told me he was just joking and was having a bipolar moment or something!......I havnt textd him since those initials once, and I don't want to have to feel like it anymore........he doesn't respond back.....last time i txtd him was sept 23rd................................................................. So it really hasn't been that long, we broke up that saturday........ I really can't get him out of my head though and kinda don't want to.............I want to hold on to him for some reason, believe in my heart he is really a good guy who is just afraid to committe, in fear of me hurting him or him hurting me............................. I don't find guys who have committement phobia to be a lost cause, and don't think of them as being jerks, its just they are doing what they know...............................I love him still, thats al! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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