how to deal with feelings of relapse ?

[ricky123]

Hello All,

So my ex and I broke up about 6 weeks ago. She was accompanied me to another state to help me move in for school, upon which a drunken and stressful night showed her another side of me. Things were not the same since then and she left abruptly, there was not any physical abuse but i def scared her according to her and some of my friends. That said, we had a great relationship before this all began and had plans to move in together at some point in the future. The problem is that she is out of state and may have felt feelings of remorse that I was moving away, this event was def the catalyst that set things off, but what im still confused about is how she can be so cold as to not respond to my emails i sent a month after we broke up. According to some of our mutual friends she is def sad about the breakup and its hard for her too, but she doesnt show me any of that by keeping the lines of communication shut with me. So I have learned at this point that I need to move on, some of my friends have also told me that my ex says its time to move on for me, but thats been difficult for me due to starting school in another state. Im in a new place with new people, spend alot of nights alone studying and it gets depressing. I try not to think about the great things that we shared but unfortunately its hard to do that. I keep finding my self contemplating what happened and what a possible reunion would be like in the future ( not that there is any indication for one). The ex is busy with her own stuff back home and is currently in the process of applying to grad schools , most of which are located near me. It has def gotten easier over time, but it still suks and I find my feelings fluctuating . I have been trying to get out there and meet new people, but its hard when all u see is ur ex. Any advice on how to move on ? Not think about ur ex ? obviously these are impossible scenarios, but I think the main problem has been that my ex has not tried to contact me. It makes me feel as if she doesnt have any feelings , which i know is not possible considering what we shared . Why is she so closed off? The other issue is that we didnt really get to talk after the breakup, i mean people usually go through a stage of breaking up , there really wasnt much closure. She said she wanted a clean break, but to me this is messy in the sense that it has left alot of unanswered questions especially about how her feelings have changed since the break up and the reasons for her coldness. Please let me know your thoughts.

thanks

[bw92116]

I guess by "clean break" she wanted to shut off all communication. She needs time to heal and recover from it. And you do also. So, no matter how difficult it is, you need to stick to the no contact. That's my guess as to why she's so closed off and cold. As far as unanswered questions, there are some that will probably never be answered. After enough time, they won't matter any more. As far as thinking about her and thinking about that relationship, I would suggest that you fill up your mind with as much as you can that is happening in your own life. The end of the relationship left a void and that needs to be filled up with something good. Try to do more things that you like to do and broaden your social circle to include more people in it. Not necessarily a new girlfriend at this time, but more friends and more people in general. Then you will find yourself thinking about your ex less.

[ricky123]

I agree with your strategy, believe me I have tried what your telling me to do. I also agree that the clean break is that she didnt want to go back and forth and thats why she is so closed off. A part of me feels disrespected in the sense that she never gave me the respect of replying to my messages after I let a whole month go by, i understand both of us need time to heal, but the way she broke up with me while i was transitioning to a new place was not my ideal way of moving here. Since then I have kinda been living out of boxes and I really havent unpacked my life here. There are so many questions as to whether she will contact me once she moves here if she gets into a program near me ? whether she will end up choosing a school far from me ? upon asking her about schools that are close she told me that I will never know if she is at one of those schools. Ofcourse this was said very near post breakup and I understand the reasons for her coldness to help facilitate the clean break, but it doesnt answer as to why she wouldnt even want to say hello esp if she was close by considering all that we shared. As far as another girlfriend goes, I tried to get out there and meet new girls, when I have time ofcourse, but it doesnt feel the same. I am kinda seeing this one girl right now , she and I are going thru similar situations and she is just looking for a friends with benefits kind of thing, i thought i was looking for that too but being physical with her has been tough for me. Thoughts of my ex just wont go away. Its def hard, please let me know what u think i appreciate your response.

[bw92116]

Well, I don't know what you can do about her coldness and lack of contact. To me it's a sign that she's not going to get back together with you. When one person cuts off all contact, the relationship is over, period. So to me it doesn't look good for you and your ex. That doesn't help you much, since you still have all those feelings, loose ends and unanswered questions. But if the last thing she said was that it was over and she wanted a clean break, then she did not reply to anything after that, I think it's over, for good. I can't speak for her, though, I'm just going by the evidence you presented. I think it will take additional time for you to heal and recover from it and it will be a while before you are able to fall in love again with someone new. As far as the thoughts of your ex and the fact they won't go away... you can't really control the thoughts coming into your mind, but you can decide how much attention you are going to give to them. Try to just let them come and go without focusing on them. Shift your focus from her back to you, as many times as you need to. Eventually they will diminish. I've discovered that after crying it out again that the thoughts are much less afterwards. Eventually you can't cry it out any more, there are no tears left for it - and at the same time the thoughts about it die out.

[ricky123]

what you are suggesting actually works and I thank you for that. I have been through breakups before , i know it takes time. Im also glad that this situation has allowed me to immerse my self in my studies. But i did want to run something by you again, a friend of mine told me that I should not engage with another girl at this time, though i can understand their reasons for finding my self and what i ultimately want etc, I feel that I am getting too old. I will be 27 soon and I dont want to miss out on any oppurtunity that my present itself , i would still like to date younger women or women around my age but im not ready to jump into the older age bracket as of yet. Is that thinking bad ? Or should i follow my friends advice. ?