Im lost in my own feelings, and i am afraid I will never find the real asnwer.

[hernando]

before i start this awkward story, id like you guys not judge me or criticize, or even put labels, i just want you to understand and help me as much as you can, because you are the only help i can get now, and for the once who love to insult people without understanding their feelings or situation i ask you not even comment.

 

That happened 4 weeks ago, i was chilling with my friends in a night club, with girls ( i am straight and never questioned myself if i am bi or gay). Im 23 years old. it was 2 am when my friends spread out, and i was dancing alone in this club, i was completely wasted, very drunk, and suddenly this guy who later on became by best friend approached to me. i dont know how i could go against my moral believes and my sexual orientation, i stepped forward to him and began dancing. i had too much drink that day, so i switched my brain off and continued dancing until he kissed me, i felt disgusted at first but then i just let it happen, because honestly i didn't care about this life anymore, i was living it without any care. I had nervous breakdowns and stress and that last step was very challenging, it has like exploded all my emotions, and i used the opportunity to experience same sex connection. We had a wonderful day, and i dont deny we spent all night together. In the morning when i sobered up, I had another breakdown which made me to hire a therapist, because, for me for christian guy it was unforgivable, i confessed, i tried to forget everything, because i know that im not bi and can not see myself in that kind of position, it just doesn't fit my standards. I wanted to leave without telling him anything, but something made me to have his email. before i continue, i want you guys know that all my life i was alone, i didnt receive much care from my parents or my relatives, and the pain the unfairness towards my life was torturing me inside. Its like i was looking for a savior or for a saint to set me free from this pain of being completely alone, even my girlfriends didn’t give me the care i was expecting.to sum it up, i was quite not happy for long time. When i met this person, my life has completely altered, it was like a gift, i made new friends, i changed my life, began feeling the freedom and joy of this life. So i got his email, and i was emailing him every day, and soon we met again, because i didn't remember him because of the drinks i had, i was blocked out. When i saw him, we start talking more about our lives. He appeared to be 42 years old guy, who honestly look like 27, in a gay marriage but divorced, and who btw has 3 kids. this was shocking for me because i had no interaction with gay people in all my life. i learned that he was going a tough time and pain because of his 13 years of marriage which collapsed just recently. My therapist labeled it as a gift, sent by our lord to fulfill the wholes in our souls. its just was like i was looking for someone like him who could fulfill the gaps in my heart and soul and vise versa, who could alleviate the pain i was facing. We became very good friends, meaning we are very good friends, despite the fact that he is twice aged. After several meetings i became extremely connected to him, i dont know how to describe it but if i don't hear from him 1h, i go crazy, start worrying that something bad could happen to him.ever since i start questioning myself "what is it, why would god send me him, why not a girl who can help me to cope with my issues." i keep going to my therapy, and every time i talked to my therapist she tells me that its a gift, i need to take it and appreciate. today we had a dinner together and we talked about his kids and divorce issues. One more thing, i am not attracted to him sexually because i just hate it, guys dont turn me on, it might seem insulting to other people, which i apologize in advance, but i cant see myself again in his arms, however when i am, i feel protected and safe, its like all the love and worm feelings i didnt get from my parents is now being given by him. To put it bluntly, i feel happy and special that somebody REALLY CARES ABOUT ME. My life has changed completely, i began smiling, and appreciating for the wonderful world and life i live in right now, but before i was careless. about him. He never implied to be intimate with me, ever; moreover he respect me being straight, and never let his eyes on me like on a new date or mate. Ever. At first i thought that i see in him a father, or brother, everything. But today after the dinner i had this feeling that i just cannot be without him for 1 second, i feel soo empty when he is not around, like my world is being destroyed again and i find myself again depressed and lonely. Than i put my moral believes away, all the thoughts what other people would say, or my relatives, honestly i really don't care, because its my life. I think i am in love with this person, but deny it because of my orientation which i cant change. Every morning , day evening I wait until he would find another time to mee, oso I can talk to him. I don’t want to tell him about this, because I know that I might hurt him, knowing that he is already hurt. I cannot simply throw it to him and tell him that I have feeling for him, because I know myslef that I will not be able to change my lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong please, I don’t use him, I swear I don’t. I just feel so protected and taken care of around him. I miss him every second, I miss his laugh, his smile, everything about him, when he is far away. And again im younger than him, but still I don’t care, I have some feelings for him deep inside my heart, but I try so hard to deny them. Im scared, I relly am. Please help me guys. Please.

[Johnny Utah]

Sorry, I cannot read walls of text. Not to be snooty, but grammar and punctuation helps people to understand what they are reading.

 

Good luck.

[Heather Dawn]

Sorry, I cannot read walls of text. Not to be snooty, but grammar and punctuation helps people to understand what they are reading.

 

Good luck.

 

Same. I didn't bother...

[hernando]

you guys don't understand that I was writing my post at 2am, when i couldn't sleep because of this issue. God damn it, who cares that you are very grammatically correct and don't bother to read it, because you find some grammar mistakes. I post a new one, hopefully you can understand, or just pretend that you understand it.

[hernando]

Before I start this awkward story, I’d like you guys not to judge or criticize, or even put labels, I just want you to understand and help me as much as you can, because you are the only help I can get now, and the once who love to insult people without understanding their feelings or situation I would kindly ask not to comment. Thank you.

 

That happened 4 weeks ago, I was parting with my friends in a night club, with girls (I am straight and never questioned myself if I am bi or gay). I’m 23 years old. It was 2 am when my friends spread out. I was dancing alone in this club, was completely wasted, blocked out, and suddenly this guy who later on became by best friend approached to me. I don’t know how I could go against my moral believes and my sexual orientation, I stepped forward to him and began dancing. I had too much drink that day, so I switched my brain off and continued dancing. Suddenly he kissed me. At first felt disgusted, but then i just let it happen, because honestly i didn’t' much care about this life anymore. I had nervous breakdowns and stress, and that last step was very challenging, it has like exploded all my emotions, and i used the opportunity to experience same sex connection, knowing that I don’t lose anything. We had a wonderful day, and i don’t deny, we spent all night together. In the morning, when i sobered up, I had another breakdown which made me to hire a therapist, because for me for a Christian guy, it was unforgivable. i confessed, i tried to forget everything, because i know that im not bi and cannot see myself in that kind of position, it just doesn't fit my standards. I wanted to leave the place without telling him anything, but something made me to get his email.

Before i continue, i want you to guys know that all my life i was alone, i didn’t receive much care from my parents or my relatives, and the pain the unfairness towards my life was torturing me inside. Its like i was looking for a savior or for a saint to set me free from this pain of being alone, even my girlfriends didn’t give me the care i was expecting. To sum it up, i was quite not happy for a long time. When i met this person, my life has completely altered, it was like a gift. I made new friends, changed my daily activities; in other words, began feeling the freedom and joy of this life. So i got his email, and i was emailing him every day. Soon we met again, because i didn't remember him because, i was blocked out. When i saw him, we start talking more about our lives. He appeared to be 42 years old guy, who honestly look like 27, in a gay marriage, but divorced, and who btw has 3 kids. These facts were shocking for me, because i had never had any interaction with gay people in all my life. i learned that he was going a tough time and pain because of his 13 years of marriage, which unfortunately has collapsed just recently. My therapist labeled it as a gift, sent by our lord to fulfill the holes in our souls. It’s like i was looking for someone like him who could fulfill the gaps in my heart and soul, who could alleviate the pain i was facing. We became very good friends, meaning we are very good friends, despite the fact that he 42 and I am 23.. After several meetings i became extremely connected to him, i don’t know how to describe this feeling, but if i don't hear from him i go crazy, start worrying that something bad could happen to him. Ever since i start questioning myself "what is it, why would God send me him, why not a girl who can help me to cope with my issues." I keep going to my therapy, and every time i talked to my therapist she tells me that it’s a gift, i need to take it and appreciate. Today we had a dinner together and we talked about his kids and divorce issues. One more thing, i am not attracted to him sexually because i just hate it, guys don’t turn me on, it might seem insulting to other people, which I apologize in advance, but i can’t see myself in his arms; however, when i am, I feel protected and safe, it’s like all the love and worm feelings i didn’t get from my parents is now being given by him. To put it bluntly, i feel happy and special that somebody REALLY CARES ABOUT ME. My life has changed completely, i began smiling, and appreciating the wonderful world and life, but before i was careless

About him; He never implied to be intimate with me, ever; moreover, he respect me being straight, and never let his eyes on me like on a new date or mate. Ever.

At first i thought that i see in him a father, or brother, everything. But today after the dinner i had this feeling that i just cannot be without him for 1 second, i feel soo empty inside when he is not around, like my whole world is being destroyed again and i find myself again depressed and lonely. Than i put my moral believes away, all the thoughts what other people would say or think of me, or my relatives,( honestly i really don't care), because its my life. I think i am in love with this person, but deny it because of my moral believes and orientation, which i cant change. Every morning, day, evening I wait until we find a time to meet. . I don’t want to tell him about this, because I know that I might hurt him, knowing that he is already hurt. I cannot simply throw it to him and tell him that I have feeling for him, because I know myself, that I will not be able to change my lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong please, I don’t use him, I swear I don’t. I just feel so protected and taken care of around him. I miss him every second; I miss his laugh, his smile, everything about him, when he is far away. And again I’m younger than he is, but still I don’t care. I have some feelings for him deep inside my heart, but I try so hard to deny them. Im scared, I really am. Please help me guys. Please.

[doodledee27]

Let me preface this with the fact that I attend an extremely liberal college with an extremely strong gay culture and gay presence.

 

Sexual orientation, in my opinion, isn't black and white. That is why there is such a thing as bisexuality. I don't know how you feel about females, but you're definitely attracted to males. For a lot of people, sexual orientation exists on a spectrum. This guy may be the first and there could be others after him, although you seem like you definitely don't want there to be any others.

 

You sound like you're in deep, infatuated love with him. First love. It usually is like that. And forget the fact that he's 42, gay, and divorced- you love him and he loves you back(?) and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

However, you need to solve your issues. Your issues with feeling alone all the time, and more. These issues are part of the reason you feel so horrible about loving the guy. Because you barely know him and you need him already. If you don't feel so good about yourself, no matter how great this guy is, this relationship (or whatever it is) will not end up well.

 

And you need to accept the fact maybe you're just not straight.

 

Also, there is nothing wrong with writing huge walls of texts. People shouldn't be such jerks about grammar and punctuation. It's amazing that you rather put effort into a post criticizing this guy's grammar rather than take the time and effort to actually understand him. A huge block of text may be unpleasant to read (but at least it's in English) but so is a snooty comment that doesn't contribute at all to the discussion.

[hernando]

Thank you for your honest and kind words, i really appreciate it. The thing is, i was thinking over and over this topic, and even though i try to force myself that i got some feelings for him but my inside world just refuses to accept it, it just denies the fact that i can have feeling for a guy, because I’m into girls only, but you know what i am going to do? is to take the gift I received, the feeling of having such a deep feelings for someone I who is different. Even if i keep it inside of me only, even if all my life i would be the one who knows about this, i will do it, because i cannot go against my heart or soul. I believe it was a destiny that i met him and i will accept it with open embraces. Honestly i don't care what others will say, because its my life, and every one of us deserves happiness. I do to.

[doodledee27]

Well, if what you claim to have with this guy is what you actually have, then you should admit to yourself your feelings. Honestly, out of the girls you liked, how many of them made you feel this way?

 

Forget gender, sex, or sexual orientation. If you think you have something sacred with this guy, admit it, then get some help for your personal issues, and work on building this relationship with him.

 

You can do this, you just have to be proactive and believe in yourself.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Hernando! I think that you should do as your therapists suggests - appreciate what you have with this man for today - but maybe not make any big lasting decisions right now.

[hernando]

Thank you guys, thank you very much