amethyst exchange Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Not so much about when it should start. But about the after.... I mean on the next date, the next encounter (barring obvious restraining issues) is it to be expected for us to engage in activities? It's just I'm not sure how often it's supposed to happen early on.... Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 (barring obvious restraining issues) ^ Can you elaborate on that please? What does that mean? Link to comment
amethyst exchange Posted September 23, 2012 Author Share Posted September 23, 2012 ^ Can you elaborate on that please? What does that mean? It means that you can't because...you simply can't...ie when the opportunity is an actual opportunity and things like work, or people or....other issues stop you...IE you could chose to do so...without need of worry for consequences.... Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Ahhh, umm, ok, lol. I say the "timing" should happen naturally, not with any thought/planning behind it. If both partners feel the same thing, and time and place are not in issue, then fine. Link to comment
amethyst exchange Posted September 23, 2012 Author Share Posted September 23, 2012 Ahhh, umm, ok, lol. I say the "timing" should happen naturally, not with any thought/planning behind it. If both partners feel the same thing, and time and place are not in issue, then fine. But what if...one partner isn't...feeling the same thing, but wishes to appease the other partner. If they acquiesced the first time, what are the expectations for further engagements...so as to not insult or break the heart of the other partner. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 But what if...one partner isn't...feeling the same thing, but wishes to appease the other partner. Then I say there's a problem and the couple should sort out whatever the issues are before getting into sex. Link to comment
amethyst exchange Posted September 23, 2012 Author Share Posted September 23, 2012 Then I say there's a problem and the couple should sort out whatever the issues are before getting into sex. The problem is...the appeasing partner and he's...not...terribly comfortable with the activities desired...because he has...issues with his own desires and not wanting them attained, because he doesn't think he's done things that deserve it. However, he knows she values the time and the activity with him....and he wants to give that too her if that is what she wants. However, I have a concern that I can't keep up...the schedule if it is rigorous. It isn't her fault, it's mine. It's just I know that to fix...this would require time and I really like her...but I really am undersold about sex....in general. I have no problem with the idea of sex...just...the idea of someone wanting sex....with...well, me. Link to comment
Johnny Utah Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Seems to be a self-esteem/self-worth issue. I think you need to accept that you are somebody's idea of a partner. That you arouse something in somebody else. Then you should communicate with her. I don't know why most people avoid communication so much. I think it has to do with ego. Link to comment
Roxie84 Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Nobody should have sex when they are not willing to. If someone decides to against their own will, this is an issue. When people first meet and become intimate, there is usually fire and they mutually want it all the time - it's an exciting time. If one person is already hesitating, there is a problem. Likely it is a fresh relationship, and there are already problems, so probably not a good idea to stay together. Link to comment
amethyst exchange Posted September 23, 2012 Author Share Posted September 23, 2012 Seems to be a self-esteem/self-worth issue. I think you need to accept that you are somebody's idea of a partner. That you arouse something in somebody else. Then you should communicate with her. I don't know why most people avoid communication so much. I think it has to do with ego. Because...if I communicated myself effectively I'd...probably always be alone. Link to comment
amethyst exchange Posted September 23, 2012 Author Share Posted September 23, 2012 Nobody should have sex when they are not willing to. If someone decides to against their own will, this is an issue. When people first meet and become intimate, there is usually fire and they mutually want it all the time - it's an exciting time. If one person is already hesitating, there is a problem. Likely it is a fresh relationship, and there are already problems, so probably not a good idea to stay together. The thing is, there will always be problems regardless of the person, my reaction to this kind of stuff is always not the best. I was terrified when we first did stuff together, and I'm not comfortable in my own skin... I do feel excited when it comes to this stuff, but more-so it makes me feel unsure. It really upsets me when she wants to do this and it just leaves me cold. I don't understand her desire of me and I feel like I should really want to be with her but I also feel like I'm not terribly satisfying and that she should be able to find something better. And now I feel like if I don't that she'll feel that there's something wrong with her...and there isn't anything wrong with her; she's amazing and far out of my league in terms of this, which makes me feel guilty when we...do things together. And saying it is me, will only increase her incredulity. Link to comment
Blue92 Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 I don't understand her desire of me and I feel like I should really want to be with her but I also feel like I'm not terribly satisfying and that she should be able to find something better.QUOTE] ^^^^ This, right here, is negative thought and will likely cause the end of your relationship if you continue to think this way. Yes, she can find someone better AND she can find someone worse, BUT the point is that she chose YOU and you need to accept that. You need to find your inner self worth and respect your self image, otherwise you won't go far or it will be very difficult to do so. And, there is nothing wrong about expressing how you feel! Most people are afraid to do this because they are concerned about feeling weak, but think about how you would feel if someone else confided such feelings to you... I would think of him/her to be a very strong person who deserves much love and respect for being honest!!! Link to comment
greywolf Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 The problem is...the appeasing partner and he's...not...terribly comfortable with the activities desired...because he has...issues with his own desires and not wanting them attained, because he doesn't think he's done things that deserve it. However, he knows she values the time and the activity with him....and he wants to give that too her if that is what she wants. However, I have a concern that I can't keep up...the schedule if it is rigorous. It isn't her fault, it's mine. It's just I know that to fix...this would require time and I really like her...but I really am undersold about sex....in general. I have no problem with the idea of sex...just...the idea of someone wanting sex....with...well, me. I think she should know this right now so she knows what she's getting herself into. Link to comment
amethyst exchange Posted September 23, 2012 Author Share Posted September 23, 2012 I don't understand her desire of me and I feel like I should really want to be with her but I also feel like I'm not terribly satisfying and that she should be able to find something better. ^^^^ This, right here, is negative thought and will likely cause the end of your relationship if you continue to think this way. Yes, she can find someone better AND she can find someone worse, BUT the point is that she chose YOU and you need to accept that. You need to find your inner self worth and respect your self image, otherwise you won't go far or it will be very difficult to do so. And, there is nothing wrong about expressing how you feel! Most people are afraid to do this because they are concerned about feeling weak, but think about how you would feel if someone else confided such feelings to you... I would think of him/her to be a very strong person who deserves much love and respect for being honest!!! She settles for me, because she thinks she's broken. If it wasn't me it would've been someone else. Link to comment
Blue92 Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 She settles for me, because she thinks she's broken. If it wasn't me it would've been someone else. Oh, well in that case, why would you want to be with someone who you know is just settling for you? Link to comment
amethyst exchange Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 Oh, well in that case, why would you want to be with someone who you know is just settling for you? It's better than being alone... Plus, I rather doubt anyone else would really want me.....I'm selfish like that.... Link to comment
Blue92 Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 But, that's not fair to yourself. It's basically like being alone because you know she doesn't really want to be with you and that's still gonna feel c*****. I know you don't really like this, hence the reason why you are even posting here. Why do you feel that YOU can't do better for yourself? Is it body image, lack of confidence, or both maybe? Link to comment
amethyst exchange Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 But, that's not fair to yourself. It's basically like being alone because you know she doesn't really want to be with you and that's still gonna feel c*****. I know you don't really like this, hence the reason why you are even posting here. Why do you feel that YOU can't do better for yourself? Is it body image, lack of confidence, or both maybe? The difference is that she accepts my affection. It may not be ideal for her but she accepts it. I have someone to share things with. It's a little of everything. Though there is a dark portion of me that very slightly enjoys saying no....of which I'm horribly ashamed of which makes me feel like crap.... Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 I think she should know this right now so she knows what she's getting herself into. I agree. I can't help but feel really bad for this girl. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 It's better than being alone... Plus, I rather doubt anyone else would really want me.....I'm selfish like that.... So, basically you are settling for anything you can get. Though there is a dark portion of me that very slightly enjoys saying no....of which I'm horribly ashamed This is rather disturbing and maybe it's time for you to let her go, look within and consider professional counselling as it seems there are deeper issues here. Link to comment
amethyst exchange Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 So, basically you are settling for anything you can get. This is rather disturbing and maybe it's time for you to let her go, look within and consider professional counselling as it seems there are deeper issues here. I guess, though admittedly a girl like her is entirely out of my league. It isn't that deep, it's just me being petty...about previous rejections that I found unjust but if looked at objectively (and I was truthful about myself) were completely just. The deeply rooted part is the traditional self-loathing and kind of disgust I feel when someone claims they have any kind of desirous intent with me. Which, I have seen counsel about, though it's not been terribly effective in purging it from me. Link to comment
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