ZhaoZilong5 Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Are dumpers really this wishy-washy? Fell out of love with me, still wanted me in her life, feelings came back, but she's staying with the other guy. That's fine. The reason I went NIC was because I didn't care to talk to her, but it didn't hurt me to reply. She went from saying last week that I was amazing and didn't deserve to be hurt when she broke up with me, but now she's upset with me for going LC lol. I've come to the conclusion that girls my age do this a lot, based on observing my friends' relationships around me. At around what age does this nonsense stop? You leave us yet get pissed when we tell you to go away. I'm in such disbelief at how absurd it is that there is such a lack of any trace of logic in relationships. Link to comment
markie6 Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Strangely enough , the stories dotted around this site , all point to dumpers and dumpees sruggling with their decisions from time to time. There are no hard and fast rules and I sense this frustrates you , you seem to be confused as to why they act a certain way from one day to the next. Now I always advocate leaving them alone to face the consequences of their actions. You do train people how to treat you... They often let you go because the feelings weren't there, for a period of time , you became their friend but you didn't know that until they pulled the plug. Therefore going along with the pretence of friendship ... re-enforces the thought in their mind.. you are just a friend , which if you are not careful will just confuse you both. Why isn't my friend replying ? that's what goes through their mind. But trying to attach reason to a confused person , who may or may not be struggling with their own thoughts is futile. We never ever really , truly know what a person is thinking, even what comes out of their mouth is up for debate. If , when you breakup you try to be their friend ( frowned upon by loads of us for very good reasons) you are giving them the benefit of your friendship and attention and getting nothing in return. All the time you post here , about an ex and what they are doing , why they are doing..the hooks are still in. You know this to be true and yet you are still trying to reason it all away. Life is not computer code where 1+1 always =2 and sadly loads of us are still looking at our own uncomplicated equation ... and coming back with the wrong answer. People will use others , of that there is no doubt, if you suspect it to be the case at any point.... cut them loose. Using people for friendships happens... take, take, take. All you get back is confusion. Therefore my argument that you should never even contemplate being friends, while confused...makes perfect sense to me. Life is too short to waste. Sadly if you cannot tell friend from foe .... cut the ties , just in case Are dumpers really this wishy-washy? Fell out of love with me, still wanted me in her life, feelings came back, but she's staying with the other guy. That's fine. The reason I went NIC was because I didn't care to talk to her, but it didn't hurt me to reply. She went from saying last week that I was amazing and didn't deserve to be hurt when she broke up with me, but now she's upset with me for going LC lol. I've come to the conclusion that girls my age do this a lot, based on observing my friends' relationships around me. At around what age does this nonsense stop? You leave us yet get pissed when we tell you to go away. I'm in such disbelief at how absurd it is that there is such a lack of any trace of logic in relationships. Link to comment
Sparkleeyes Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Are dumpers really this wishy-washy? Fell out of love with me, still wanted me in her life, feelings came back, but she's staying with the other guy. That's fine. The reason I went NIC was because I didn't care to talk to her, but it didn't hurt me to reply. She went from saying last week that I was amazing and didn't deserve to be hurt when she broke up with me, but now she's upset with me for going LC lol. I've come to the conclusion that girls my age do this a lot, based on observing my friends' relationships around me. At around what age does this nonsense stop? You leave us yet get pissed when we tell you to go away. I'm in such disbelief at how absurd it is that there is such a lack of any trace of logic in relationships. Unfortunately there is no age by which this stops. Think of this positively. You have turned the tables. Where before you were the dumpee, you are now the one with the controls and that is a great position to be in. I think I'm going to have a similar situation coming up. I know he wants to be friends, but I'm determined not to be put in the friendzone where he gets all the benefits and I end up being hurt more. If he starts getting upset that I don't reply to him I'm going to be honest and tell him that it's not easy to be friends right now, but it may change down the line once I've moved on. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Many dumpers are on a power/ego trip....they just thrive on the knowledge that the ex is still pining for them so they try to do everything they can do encourage the pining...which is why they get angry when the ex doesn't want to bother with them...it slaps down their over-inflated ego. Link to comment
markie6 Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 And one of the major risks when contemplating NIC / LC or what you end up doing in the end anyway NC Many dumpers are on a power/ego trip....they just thrive on the knowledge that the ex is still pining for them so they try to do everything they can do encourage the pining...which is why they get angry when the ex doesn't want to bother with them...it slaps down their over-inflated ego. Link to comment
ZhaoZilong5 Posted September 23, 2012 Author Share Posted September 23, 2012 Nah, I didn't want to be her friend after the first week, which was why it's so amusing to me. It's amusing that she broke up with me yet is upset that I'm not sticking around. I don't care if she replies or not anymore, nor do I care about what's going on in her mind at the moment. Sorry, GBT probably wasn't the best place to post this. I wasn't really asking about my ex, I just meant women in general. Yes, I've heard of guys doing this, but through myself and my friends, I've only seen women do it. That, and I'm not gay or bisexual, so I don't care what men do lol. Anyway, I was asking because I was going to go for some dates, but then I noticed the same red flags that I currently see in my ex. Yeah, true in my experience too, but I was hoping it was just an exception. A lady who was 50 at the time and I planned a FWB relationship, but due to the age difference, we knew and mutually agreed that it couldn't be more serious than that. Well, the time came for me to check out when somebody else came along (we never did anything, by the way), and she was getting mad to the point that there was no appeasing her. She wanted me to say whatever, so I would say it if it was a truthful answer from me, and she'd get mad anyway. What was I supposed to do, stick around with somebody who didn't want something serious with me whom I also didn't want any seriousness with? In a way, I guess I'm lucky that the drama in my relationships *usually* happened after the relationship itself was already over. I was wondering about this, but I stopped pining for her three months ago. I tried initiating NC, and she kept coming around saying I was amazing and even called herself pathetic, selfish, etc. I wonder how much of an ego trip it can be after putting yourself down so much. Hmm...I guess if I wanted to talk to somebody so badly that I'd be willing to degrade myself, then it'd probably feel good in a weird way for that person to talk to me. Meh, no risk here. It would have been the same regardless. It will end up being whatever, but the deep, connection that she wanted wouldn't be there regardless of what I did, because I don't want something platonic. I would be just as incredulous if a friend pulled this kind of nonsense on me. There's a certain threshold when illogicalness starts to bother me (the threshold is higher for people that I know), so it makes me see them in a worse light. Link to comment
Streetbob Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Are dumpers really this wishy-washy? Fell out of love with me, still wanted me in her life, feelings came back, but she's staying with the other guy. That's fine. The reason I went NIC was because I didn't care to talk to her, but it didn't hurt me to reply. She went from saying last week that I was amazing and didn't deserve to be hurt when she broke up with me, but now she's upset with me for going LC lol. I've come to the conclusion that girls my age do this a lot, based on observing my friends' relationships around me. At around what age does this nonsense stop? You leave us yet get pissed when we tell you to go away. I'm in such disbelief at how absurd it is that there is such a lack of any trace of logic in relationships. went through the same thing myself. When I first instigated NC the ex was very hurt and thought it was childish. I then sent "the letter" that explained all.....how I couldn't be friends etc because I wanted to heal and it was hurting. She completely understood and respected my decision after I had explained. In fact she hinted that somewhere along the line there could be reconciliation. Since then I have been in NC (6 MONTHS - 1 SLIP UP) and I know she asks mutual friends how I am doing. I am not a fan is NIC because of the silliness and turmoil that goes with breakups. All or nothing is my motto. I don't think age has anything to do with matters of the heart Link to comment
markie6 Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Trying to apply logic to emotions will always cause confusion... The mere thought of trying to be friends, with somebody whoes knife is still lodged between our shoulder blades, has never made sense to me. When the pointy object is free, and the scar has healed ..why not?, we only live once after all Link to comment
markie6 Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 When I first instigated NC the ex was very hurt and thought it was childish. I then sent "the letter" that explained all.....how I couldn't be friends etc because I wanted to heal and it was hurting. She completely understood and respected my decision after I had explained SB loads have obviously had this issue , did it bother you that the reason she thought it was childish, is because her childish mind hadn't understood ? If you have to explain self preservation ( as I have had to in the past also ) for your own protection , the thought that you didn't really care about them is on their mind ? Just floating that back to you ... Link to comment
Streetbob Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Trying to apply logic to emotions will always cause confusion... The mere thought of trying to be friends, with somebody whoes knife is still lodged between our shoulder blades, has never made sense to me. When the pointy object is free, and the scar has healed ..why not?, we only live once after all I agree Markie! I think once the hurt is truly gone - why not give it a shot at being friends. I guess there is a certain point where NC becomes irrelevant. Indeed, you only live once. SB Link to comment
Streetbob Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 SB loads have obviously had this issue , did it bother you that the reason she thought it was childish, is because her childish mind hadn't understood ? If you have to explain self preservation ( as I have had to in the past also ) for your own protection , the thought that you didn't really care about them is on their mind ? Just floating that back to you ... When we first split, I blocked her on FB....that was the hurtful thing in her eyes. It did bother me at the time because i didn't want to appear to be spiteful or childish. I clarified everything in my final letter to her. I'm so glad that i did because we have both been able to move on gracefully, leaving the door open for a friendship along the line SB Link to comment
markie6 Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Yes I understand , when people think it's childish... self protection, they obviously don't appreciate the pain they have caused. If they think a friend is blanking them.. then perhaps that's all you were .. it's that thought that crosses my mind...when people don't get why we run from the fire .....When we first split, I blocked her on FB....that was the hurtful thing in her eyes. It did bother me at the time because i didn't want to appear to be spiteful or childish. I clarified everything in my final letter to her. I'm so glad that i did because we have both been able to move on gracefully, leaving the door open for a friendship along the line SB edit... I am not applying that to your situation, which is more complicated than most... but more the overall ideas Link to comment
Streetbob Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Yes I understand , when people think it's childish... self protection, they obviously don't appreciate the pain they have caused. If they think a friend is blanking them.. then perhaps that's all you were .. it's that thought that crosses my mind...when people don't get why we run from the fire ..... edit... I am not applying that to your situation, which is more complicated than most... but more the overall ideas I guess that in the early stages of any breakup, things are a little blurred and confused from both sides. As the dust settles we can see things differently. I think this is why it is so important to get into NC ASAP. Link to comment
ZhaoZilong5 Posted September 23, 2012 Author Share Posted September 23, 2012 went through the same thing myself. When I first instigated NC the ex was very hurt and thought it was childish. I then sent "the letter" that explained all.....how I couldn't be friends etc because I wanted to heal and it was hurting. She completely understood and respected my decision after I had explained. In fact she hinted that somewhere along the line there could be reconciliation. Since then I have been in NC (6 MONTHS - 1 SLIP UP) and I know she asks mutual friends how I am doing. I am not a fan is NIC because of the silliness and turmoil that goes with breakups. All or nothing is my motto. I don't think age has anything to do with matters of the heart This...THIS is what I feel should happen. This is why I think my ex is being so "illogical." I've told her 3 times already that I couldn't be her friend because of my feelings for her. Hell, she said she'd be disappointed but would understand. The second time, she even agreed with me and said because of her confusion that she wouldn't be able to be a fair friend to me either. Last night, I was a little busy, and she was getting impatient with my slow responses, so whatever. I guess she was asking if it'd be forever, to which I truthfully answered her that I didn't know. Not that I told her, but the reason why is not because of any emotional pain, but because of resentment. It's more of an annoyance than pain. Call me a narcissist if you want, but as she currently stands, I'm thinking less of her as a person. I don't believe logic and emotions should be mutually exclusive in relationships, or in this case, the aftermath of one. There needs to be *some* logic. Like you said markie6, trying to be friends with somebody who hurt you doesn't make sense. It's illogical to agree with something, then as time goes on, you get mad at something that you agreed to. I guess that in the early stages of any breakup, things are a little blurred and confused from both sides. As the dust settles we can see things differently. I think this is why it is so important to get into NC ASAP. Since the issue is about NC itself, then I don't think the dust will ever settle for her. I was as mature and reasonable about it as possible. Things get worse for both sides as time goes on. I see things in a more objective light and think, "Wow, that was ****ed up." She goes from regret to resentment. I don't have to say crap yet still get text messages from her. The only thing keeping me from laughing about the entire thing is because I would then really feel like a petulant *******. Link to comment
Sparkleeyes Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Yes I understand , when people think it's childish... self protection, they obviously don't appreciate the pain they have caused. If they think a friend is blanking them.. then perhaps that's all you were .. it's that thought that crosses my mind...when people don't get why we run from the fire ..... edit... I am not applying that to your situation, which is more complicated than most... but more the overall ideas One of the first things I did following my break-up was write down all the things that he did to hurt me in the previous 3 months. There was so much rejection and hurt that I wanted to remind myself of how things were so that I wouldn't start seeing him through rose tinted glasses, remembering only the good times. I did this to help me with my NC and to stop myself from giving in to him by remaining friends. Why should someone who has hurt you be rewarded with your friendship? I'm not bitter, but don't want to fall into the friendship trap so soon. Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Are dumpers really this wishy-washy? Fell out of love with me, still wanted me in her life, feelings came back, but she's staying with the other guy. That's fine. The reason I went NIC was because I didn't care to talk to her, but it didn't hurt me to reply. She went from saying last week that I was amazing and didn't deserve to be hurt when she broke up with me, but now she's upset with me for going LC lol. I've come to the conclusion that girls my age do this a lot, based on observing my friends' relationships around me. At around what age does this nonsense stop? You leave us yet get pissed when we tell you to go away. I'm in such disbelief at how absurd it is that there is such a lack of any trace of logic in relationships. I decided to date women over 50. I found too many women in their 40s seem flaky. Boy was I disappointed. And no I don't think women are flaky/wishy washy. I'm sure women can attest to the fact that a large percentage of people never seem to stop playing games and being flaky. I think it might be a case of being immature when we are younger, and carrying baggage as we get older. Dunnoh, best not to think about it. Avoid the flakes and fight hard for the good ones. There is still a lot of them out there. But they get scooped up pretty darn quick. Link to comment
ZhaoZilong5 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 I decided to date women over 50. I found too many women in their 40s seem flaky. Boy was I disappointed. And no I don't think women are flaky/wishy washy. I'm sure women can attest to the fact that a large percentage of people never seem to stop playing games and being flaky. I think it might be a case of being immature when we are younger, and carrying baggage as we get older. Dunnoh, best not to think about it. Avoid the flakes and fight hard for the good ones. There is still a lot of them out there. But they get scooped up pretty darn quick. I feel the same way, which is why I refuse to settle for somebody that won't make me happy. That opinion had made me quite unpopular in the past on ENA, so I often wonder if I'm missing some bigger picture. Link to comment
Streetbob Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 I feel the same way, which is why I refuse to settle for somebody that won't make me happy. That opinion had made me quite unpopular in the past on ENA, so I often wonder if I'm missing some bigger picture. I think the logical thing to do post break up is to get out there and date, which is fine. The problems arise when they/you want something more than casual dating. I have had a couple of dates that wanted to take it to another level and i suddenly felt like running a mile. At that point I realised I'm not altogether over the ex. As time passes by I am becoming more comfortable with myself and being by myself. It's all very interesting to observe the change of attitude and emotion. Agree with Sportster: There is a certain age where the flakiness disappears. I would not date /have a relationship with anybody that was my ex's age anymore - you live and learn. What didn't seem like an issue at the time obviously was! SB Link to comment
markie6 Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 Their level of emotional maturity plays a greater part , than age imo. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 Their level of emotional maturity plays a greater part , than age imo. I agree. There are plenty of game playing emotionally immature people in their forties and beyond....I have dealt with some of them. Link to comment
Ariestlife Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 I agree with markie6 great advice man! Link to comment
ZhaoZilong5 Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 A friend of mine did something that unintentionally looked like I was the one who instigated some malicious nonsense. We talked, and she understands now again. Sometimes it's good to just talk and get everybody on the same page. Link to comment
deejay74 Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 Please forgive me, but what is NIC? I know what and NC and LC are but this is the first I've seen NIC. I tried to search this site for the definition but I couldn't find one. (I'm not trying to hijack this thread either). Link to comment
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