He NEVER calls. What do I do?

[Abigaelle]

We have been dating for a month and half.He is respectful, gentleman, perceptif, patient, etc,etc.

He makes me feel beautiful and appreciated. He says he enjoys my company.

BUT

He NEVER calls. (+Almost never initiates texts.) sometimes initiates plans.

I told him many times I don't want an on going conversation over texts, but it's nice to hear from him during the day. Doesn't have to be long.

Not a single change.

He said all the females in his life , including his mother complained about the same thing : he never calls.

But he does pick up pretty quickly when I call.

Some people say he has to call if not he is not worth it. But I find it stupid to break up because of a phone call..

 

He called ONCE because we were supposed to meet and he ended up being late.

[gtnovru]

Hmm this is kinda strange. What person doesn't call or text?

 

Are y'all exclusive?

[Abigaelle]

Hmm this is kinda strange. What person doesn't call or text?

 

Are y'all exclusive?

 

Yes, we are.

Even when we are together, he is not often on his phone. Really rarely.

[Silverbirch]

Some people HATE using phones. I don't like it a real lot myself. If it's true that he doesn't ring his mother or other people too, then you can rest assured and not take it personally.

[doiiiieeezie]

Stop calling and let him make a move, for goodness sakes it's only been a month and you are facing this?

 

He knows where you are, see if he is really interested... if not then you can move on knowing that little time was wasted.

[TalkThatTalk9]

hmm...

 

my ex was like this. never ever called or texted me. I could leave him for a weekend and go visit my mom and he would not try getting a hold of me. at first I thought oh... he is not a phone person because he isn't in a way. but then it just started to really bother me. (we dated 6 years, and I ALWAYS did the calling texting etc. he never cared for any of it because he knew I'd get ahold of him, and he didn't have to worry about it. . . . but also he just did not care for me like I did for him)

 

we were long distance 2 years and I would call him every day at the same time, so he knew when to expect my calls. one night I decided to not call him to see what would happen. It got on about midnight and not a peep out of him. It made me realize he did not even notice I didn't call him at my usual time. what if something had happened to me he was not even concerned. and when I got upset about it he acted like it was no big deal. but it was to me.

 

that should of been a sign to me he did not care for me like I for him.

 

I am just telling you if it bothers you speak up. His response will let you know what he is feeling. My ex would act like it was no big deal and I was being stupid. not even listening to the reason why I felt the way I did. made me feel like a moron, when I was a moron because I was the one putting in all the effort! while he was just along for the ride.

 

maybe if he acts concerned and shows he cares, you will realize he really is just not a phone person. but if he gets defensive and makes you feel dumb, run far away. it is a warning sign. just my opinion. hope he is just not a phone person. it is a big possibility.

[Christy416]

Perhaps you could bring it up again and tell him it really bothers you that you're doing all the communicating. It seems as if he expects everyone to know that he doesn't text and call. But if he knows that it's bothering you a lot, he would make an effort to start texts/calls.

 

And if he doesn't...then maybe it does warrant you walking away. A relationship is supposed to make you happy and not worry about why the other person isn't calling/texting you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

A person who truly cares will take the initiative. Setting up a precedence where you are doing all the initiating will only allow that to continue. Don't bother with someone who clearly shows by his actions that he is ambivalent, lazy and doesn't care to make an effort.

[lavenderdove]

I do know some people who genuinely hate talking on the phone and feel awkward doing it and only call to exchange information such as what time they will come over, where there will meet you etc.

 

If he is attentive in other ways and you see him often enough to be comfortable with him, then fine. But if you suspect he is covering things up or isn't seeing you often enough to make you happy (and doesn't want to see you more) then you might consider asking for more time together, and if he won't do it, then find someone who does like to stay in closer contact.

 

I know lots of young people want to stay in contact with their partners texting several times an hour all day long and that would drive me crazy and i'd hate it, but people do have different ideas about how much contact is desirable via technology like phones and texting so i'd try to talk to him and judge whether he keep enough contact in other ways to make you happy or not.

[Heather Dawn]

A person who truly cares will take the initiative. Setting up a precedence where you are doing all the initiating will only allow that to continue. Don't bother with someone who clearly shows by his actions that he is ambivalent, lazy and doesn't care to make an effort.

 

This.

 

My boyfriend and I live together and he STILL texts me throughout the day while we're at work.

[Abigaelle]

So do I just bring up the topic again?

 

Oh and last night( like 00:30 ish) I said I would call him when I get home. He said he might not be able to pick up because he was going to drive for a longtime. I said well how about you call me when you're done? And this morning I saw he called around 2 am.

 

I was very surprised. Even the missed call made me smile.

This is pathetic though

[Heather Dawn]

I think you should just sit down with him the next time you're in person, and tell him that you understand he's busy and has never been very good at initiating contact with the people in his life - but that, for your relationship to proceed in a way in which you're happy and comfortable, you need to have him show he's willing to make an effort on the communication front. It's not a lot to ask of the person you're trying to establish a relationship with, to be honest, and he should be more than understanding and willing to make this change for you. If he's not, then you should assume he simply doesn't care enough and move on - you have every right to expect more.

[minorissues]

I used to be like this in my 20s. Had a few serious relationships and just never called the guys (this was before the days of texting.) I was a loner and enjoyed my alone time, and because my boyfriends picked up the slack with calling and making dates regularly, that was enough contact for me and I didn't really need to call myself because I had already had my fill of socializing and affection. And if a guy complained, I assumed we were incompatible and showed him the door. I just didn't feel like being in a relationship with someone who made me feel smothered and uncomfortable.

 

Now I'm 31 and realize I was incredibly selfish back then, but I didn't mean any harm, I was just immature and self-involved. Nowadays I try to call and text guys I'm dating just to show I care, even if I don't really feel like it. So my advice would be, decide if you can live with this level of contact and if you decide you can't, have a chat with him and see what you can learn about his behavior and its cause. It may be this is just the way he is, for no dishonorable reason, and it may change down the road but no guarantees. If he can't give you what you need, even when you've voiced your concerns, perhaps it's incompatibility and you need to move on.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you should just sit down with him the next time you're in person, and tell him that you understand he's busy and has never been very good at initiating contact with the people in his life - but that, for your relationship to proceed in a way in which you're happy and comfortable, you need to have him show he's willing to make an effort on the communication front. It's not a lot to ask of the person you're trying to establish a relationship with, to be honest, and he should be more than understanding and willing to make this change for you. If he's not, then you should assume he simply doesn't care enough and move on - you have every right to expect more.

 

I agree with this but I would say after you bring it up once, if there is not enough change to make you happy then walk away. Part of it means he doesn't care enough about you to call. Part of it means you know what you want and you shouldn't settle for less ... especially since you just started dating.

[Abigaelle]

I agree with this but I would say after you bring it up once, if there is not enough change to make you happy then walk away. Part of it means he doesn't care enough about you to call. Part of it means you know what you want and you shouldn't settle for less ... especially since you just started dating.

 

I agree with BOTH of you. Actually the calling topic was never brought up and I will do this tonight, for sure. I just told him that I'd would be nice if I hear from him during the day.

 

What makes me hesitate to move on is that I think it's almost sad to throw this relationship away because of a phone call, because there are things that tell me he cares for me.

He is exactly like minorissues ( how she described SHE was in her 20s). He is loner , enjoys his time when his alone, and KNOWS that I'll end up talking to him. Plus that even himself thinks he is selfish... Uh-OH..

 

When I call he usually picks up after the very first beep. When I text, he usually texts back in a reasonable time frame. This confuses me.

[Ms Darcy]

There isn't really anything you are "throwing away" anything a) if you have been dating for a month and b) if it makes you really unhappy. If it doesn't bother you can you can move on then leave it alone ...

[nicks2607]

I think he is that kind of guy who doesn't talk much about his feelings. He surely likes you, but he don't like to talk on phone. I can guess that he respects your choices and decisions without telling you what you should do and what you shouldn't and what I have seen, it is better. Its just that he doesn't want to interfere in your decisions.

[Abigaelle]

I think he is that kind of guy who doesn't talk much about his feelings. He surely likes you, but he don't like to talk on phone. I can guess that he respects your choices and decisions without telling you what you should do and what you shouldn't and what I have seen, it is better. Its just that he doesn't want to interfere in your decisions.

 

It's is very true that he doesn't talk about his feelings. He even said it himself. I even remember at the very beggining he said that he might act like he is indifferent but he is actually not.

But again... Not calling and not initiating texts is discouraging .

[Blue92]

How often does HE make plans with you? Even if he is not a phone talker, he should at least show some interest in wanting to be with you.

[FathomFear]

How often does HE make plans with you? Even if he is not a phone talker, he should at least show some interest in wanting to be with you.

 

I would agree that this is a better question. I also despise texting/calling, as they tend to be filled with vacuous conversations (How are you?, How's your day going?, How's work today?, etc). The real litmus test is how engaged he is, not how engaged he is with calling/texting.

[Abigaelle]

How often does HE make plans with you? Even if he is not a phone talker, he should at least show some interest in wanting to be with you.

 

I would say its ALMOST half me, half him.

[Blue92]

Alright, so that's good it's 50/50. So, I wouldn't worry too much about the phone thing then. I guess he just isn't a phone person so either learn to work around that or BU if it seriously bothers you that much. But, at least he is making an effort to show he wants to be with you by making plans.