He lives in Ireland but

[Chatariesl]

Hello I'm female age 29 and new to the forum and thank you in advance for reading my story!

I met a guy online (okcupid). I messaged him first because I'd seen him on my visitors list quite a few times and no I don't have provative pics or anything like that. I messaged him and we've talked on the phone, texted/IM every day since and that was three months ago. He's funny, charming, caring, educated, goal oriented, and a good listener.

 

He lives in Ireland, age 28 with parents, works as an engineer and he's not so experienced with romantic relationships, but I am having second doubts about him because initially he came on strong but I wanted to take things slow and he agreed. He woos me with his charm and great sense of humor. A month into I let him know that I liked him (mind you he always told me how much he liked me etc and that he had plans to visit America). Something happened because he cooled off from chatting to me after I tell him my feelings. He began to text/message less. I asked if he was okay and if he started talking to someone else, he said no. We get some things straightened out and he asked me what I would like for us to be and I told him that I wasnt sure and it was still early but I like him and he agreed too saying he didn't know what he wanted.

 

I still sense that he is apprehensive about us because we don't communicate as much and I find him to be somewhat secretive about his life. I asked him a couple of weeks ago where this was going and he said that he's not sure but that he likes me and enjoy getting to know me. That's fine but I feel like we're moving at snail pace. I'd like to know more about his life although he seems normal enough but you never know.

 

He works temp job for his company and won't find out if he goes back to being permanent until December and that's when he'll know/start planning his trip to America. I'm afraid of getting my heart broken and wasting my time getting to know him when he is probably looking for an online buddy. We still text/IMmessage everyday and he phones once a week I've never called him because I don't feel comfortable.

 

I've sensed another change in him lately like he's been a little more sensitive and even accused me of making fun of him when sick and he offered to buy me music although international tax isn't cheap. We have been communicating a lot more recently but I'm still scared of getting hurt. He tells me that I over think things too much and not to worry and to trust him.

 

I like him and I'm worrying if I should wait it out for the December decision on his job? He no longer writes me erotica and he's a great writer and this has me wondering if he's writing it to someone else too and he's stopped talking romantically to me (weeks ago), would this be a red flag too? My first and last relationship lasted eight years and I broke up with late last year for cheating. I'm not that experienced in this. Am I being paranoid? Do you think he's going slow(I really don't mind) because of his inexperience and cultural differences?

Thank you

[Chatariesl]

I live on the east coast of the US by the way!

[PaintWithLight]

Some questions:

 

Have you ever seen him via cam so you "know" who you are communicating with.

 

Why is he being so coy with you? Secretive is no good. Why cant you phone him when you feel like it? Why is this a one-way street? As I understand your post, he is the only who gets to call you thus picking the day and time? hmmmmm

 

You have made two comments about worrying if his attentions are going elsewhere. You sound very paranoid and perhaps a long distance cyber based relationship that requires international travel is not your best move to get back into the groove.

 

Honestly, most of the international flirtations led to nothing more than an online connection. It takes an extraordinary guy who is willing to jump a plane and spend big $$ for first meeting. In the meantime, the usual warnings.... get him to verify who he says he is, do NOT send any money if you are asked, do not get pulled into his family dramas or illnesses....etc. If you are getting red flags this early in an international LDR, perhaps this is not the guy for you.

[Chatariesl]

Hello PaintWithLight,

 

No, we haven't talked via webcam (although I'd like to so I can know he's the guy in the pics etc), I don't know how to really bring it up to him, I'm afraid he's going to say no and I know that he's shy too. I'd prefer to see him on webcam. If he ignores the question about webcam or says no then Ill probably have to stop talking to him until he says yes and become more upfront with me about things.

 

I'm not sure why he's being coy although I was very coy with him in the beginning and he even said so because I didn't want to give out much information to him because he didn't have a profile pic.

 

I honestly don't know why it's a one way street, I really don't know why I'm apprehensive about calling him maybe cause I think he only likes me as a friend and so I figure why put my all into something when I'll get shot down. I feel like he hides things from his parents because I was talking on the phone to him and his mother came into his bedroom asking who he was talking to (I could hear her) and she left after he told her but later he said she was listening outside his bedroom door because he could hear her footsteps but she eventually left. He's the only son and the youngest and has two older sisters and he lives in the countryside with his folks but commutes into the city for work. He does have a LinkedIn profile and that matches up to his job credentials and education (I've been googling him) so far but I haven't found him on facebook. I think I'm being too paranoid but you can never be too safe.

Should I call him out of the blue and see what happens? How do I go about broaching the webcam subject? He has told me that he feels very comfortable with me and I'm a nice woman. Do you think he could have doubts about me as well since I never call him? I know I'm being paranoid and I have trust issues when it comes to men but im working on that and ive come a long way.

Also I'm not a drinker and he's been going out every weekend for the past three weeks drinking and I know the Gaelic games are going on but this has me worried too. I've tried to stop talking to him a couple of times and he's apologized (way too much cause sometimes I can be a bit of a drama queen and I do feel he likes me but I'm a little insecure and so is he) about stuff and begged me to stay in contact. Should I be more patient and keep getting to know him? I've thought that maybe I should go for someone closer to home but I do like him and want to keep getting to know him if he's willing to do webcam. Help am I being crazy?

[Chatariesl]

Anyone have anything else to add am I being paranoid?

[Moneypenny]

How do I go about broaching the webcam subject?

 

You say this... "Sooo, are we going to get together on webcam, and when?"

 

If he fumbles and makes excuses.....You say, "Well, I'm not looking for an on-line buddy/pen pal. Thanks for your time. All the best. Bye."

 

Also, take on board everything PaintwithLight says.

 

If you have residual trust issues with men that you're trying to work on, then setting any hopes on this "coy, Irish charmer" who is reluctant to show his face, yet can send you his 'erotic short stories' for your perusal, is only going to hinder your progress. If he is expecting you to get off on these; or is fantasizing about you getting off on his 'stories', then you are nothing more than a FWB in the cyberworld.

 

I strongly suspect that he's promoting his 'literary' talents all over the world.

 

Sorry to be so harsh, but this is how it seems to me.

[Chatariesl]

Hello Moneypenny!

 

Thank you for the input. I asked him yesterday about talking on webcam and he said yes but that his Internet goes in and out and freezes and that he needs a new laptop but he wants to chat on webcam. We'll see.

 

A cyber world friends with benefits, I would have never guessed. I certainly don't want this. In the beginning he asked if I could send him vagina pics and I said no. But he keeps talking to me but he doesn't send the erotic stories anymore. I never told him that I was getting off on them but I did say he was a good writer. I'm not going to lie but I have talked dirty with him a couple of times and that was it. He still continues to chat/call me and I'm not sure what he wants cause I think he's no longer interested in me romantically. We chat about different things and he wishes me goodnight and messages me every morning. I just don't understand him. If a guy was interested in a female would he not talk romantically to her or would he just talk about different things considering he lives thousands of miles away? I know i sound like a 12 yr old. I just don't want to be mislead and I don't want to be a penpal. I've asked about his intentions and he says I'm a nice woman and that he likes talking to me etc and he wants to see me in America one day but he won't know until December.

 

I will take your advice and see what happens. I'm not that experienced with Internet dating and I've met some interesting characters so far.

[chitown9]

I think that you are hanging on to very little sweetie...drop the guy.

[Chatariesl]

Thanks everyone although I've only been talking to him for a few months so I'm putting a time frame to give it a chance. He's agreed to webcam. I know he's insecure and tends to over think things too. I'm giving him by the end of December because the guy talks to me everyday and he initiates the contact sometimes me. Since I live in the US and he in Ireland, I'd like to go about making sure he is who he claims to be. I've checked Facebook and he's not on unless he doesn't want to be found. He's on LinkedIn and the job/education seems to checkout. I want to verify his identity to make sure he's single or not! Does anyone have any ideas how I can go about doing this would I have a harder time being that he is international?

[Moneypenny]

I want to verify his identity to make sure he's single or not! Does anyone have any ideas how I can go about doing this would I have a harder time being that he is international?

 

Unless, and until you meet any of his friends or family; or you visit him in Ireland for more than just a weekend, I doubt you'll ever know if he is married, or single, or if he is truly who he says he is.

 

Part of me wants to be really blunt and say, that if you're looking for a meaningful relationship, then this REALLY is not the guy for you.

 

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my now ex-husband for 10 years. Towards the end of our marriage I got involved in an on-line (long distance) relationship with someone from my past. I fell hook, line, and sinker for all of his charm. He was a good writer too; sent me erotica, saying that he wanted his prose published. I hadn't had that much attention from anyone in 10 years. It made me feel good, it made me feel alive both sexually, and emotionally for what had been a very long time.

 

The truth is Chatariesl, in real life, he was not the person I perceived him to be from our emails, texts, and even on webcam. We had a fantastic 2 weeks together last year, but even that does not provide enough evidence of who the person really is. I broke off our relationship for good 10 days ago because I realised that essentially, even after 2 1/2 years, I barely knew him. He was secretive about his life, past and present. I never met any of his friends; he claimed not to have any

 

What I'm saying is this; don't fall for the first guy who shows you attention, even if you do like him, and he claims to like you. If you can't be sure of who they are, they are more than likely not who they say they are.

 

Keep us updated And come back with any thoughts or concerns.

[Chatariesl]

Hello Moneypenny,

 

Thank you for the advice. I'm sorry that you went through a rough time with the ex husband and the online guy being something online and different in person. This site has helped me a lot and I've decided to take a step back from him and not put too much energy into a person. Before meeting him I'd turned some guys away for being too aggressive or just wanting one thing. I was drawn to him for some reason and we kind of clicked and I do like his accent but I know that's only a small part of someone. He seems to have an outgoing personality but a little shy around the ladies.

 

I agree until I see him on webcam, meet his family and friends/he opens up more, then I can gauge that he is who he says he is. He's been talking to me a lot more lately and has begun opening up about his job and parents, since I've decided internally to give this a few more months and let him lead/reveal himself more because he claims to be inexperienced when it comes to relationships like he's never had a girlfriend. The other day he emailed me pictures of his two cats and he talks about his friends too. He has agreed to talk via webcam. I will keep you all updated on the situation. I no longer expect anything to come from this but I'm just letting whatever develops happen naturally like friendship.

[Moneypenny]

That's great. Please don't put your all into this guy. See what transpires when you get together on webcam, but in the meantime, keep your options open, and date other people in your area, or county.

[PaintWithLight]

I do not want to play devils advocate but it seems to me that he hasn't agreed to webcam at all. Instead, he gave you some weak promise he will do cam once he replaces his laptop since the current one has issues freezing when he tries to use the cam. And that is happening when exactly? He can use the new computer excuse to stall for another 2-3 months, giving you nothing but empty promises. That just sounds a little too convenient for a guy who was bold enough early on to ask for intimate photos of you. There are cyber cafes he can use or friends with laptops with built in cams that he can borrow.....please.... this just feels like more excuses on why he cannot reveal himself to you.

 

And to help smoke screen the fake delays, he is dribbling a few tender cat photos and friend stories to show you he is a tender but inexperienced guy. But that does not jive with the hot chat, requests for intimate photos and lustful writings. It could very well be that he is not the guy in the photos, he is married and does not even have two cats. He expect you to trust him enough to send him photos of the "holy of holies" but after 2 months, he can't get on cam with you? Sorry, something here stinks.

[Chatariesl]

Hello Moneypenny,

 

I'm no longer putting all my focus on him. I've decided to step back but ive been getting to know a great guy locally. I've known him for about a month and we've just started to date because when I first met him I felt like I couldn't focus on two guys. I knew I liked him but I wanted to focus on the other guy. I know bad move. I'm getting to know and hang out with the local guy and I want to kick myself because we have so much in common and he's like a mirror image of myself and he has no problem showing me his family etc. He likes me and I him. We'll see what happens. I'm going to enjoy the moment and not expect much from neither guys just a natural progression. I'm beginning to have doubts about the Irishman. Wait and see.

[Chatariesl]

Hello Pathwithlight,

 

I totally agree with everything you've said. He did agree to it but I'm in the process of getting a new laptop. My laptop went out and isnt fixable it was the last leg anyway. I told him on Sunday and we talked about skype. I'm looking at next week to Skype if he goes through with it. Now he says his laptop is broken but he has a work laptop too. We shall see.

 

He's talked about the card before I asked him to send the pics. I know they could be anyways cats. Also he says he wants to lose weight so I don't know if he's alot bigger than he claims to be or what. He says he's been working out and plays football twice a week. I do feel like he lies sometimes.

 

He asked for the photos two months ago and I told him no. He hasn't asked since. He hasn't written erotica to me since mid July. I'm trying to wonder if he isn't interested in me romantically then why keep contacting me. I have asked him these things and he says I'm a nice lady and he likes talking to me. A few months ago i told him about his pulling away and he stopped writing the erotica and said he likes me.

 

Actually ive gotten mad at him a few times about his pulling away and we have argued a little. I just wanted to know if he wanted to be friends or work towards something more. He seems to want a pen pal now and I'm not looking for that. I've begun to get to know someone locally. I have learned not to put all my focus on one guy unless we agree to go exclusive!

[PaintWithLight]

I hope for the best with you. Maybe he is just nervous about finally putting himself out there, warts and all. It might be an uncomfortable feeling for him to run the risk of rejection but it is the only way the two of you have to be real with each other. I personally would have been on a plane by now.... but that is just impulsive little me. LOL.

[Chatariesl]

Hello PaintWithLight,

 

I've thought that too maybe he's afraid of rejection but like you said we both have to be honest and talk on webcam. If we do talk on webcam and get along well, I'd have no problem traveling to Ireland although he's talked about traveling to America to see me. I'm focusing more on me and going out and let nature take its course. I'll keep everyone updated!!

[Chatariesl]

I think I just found something major on him. I've been conducting my own background ie web search on his user name and real name. Anyway looks like he's married and actually lives in Australia (I'm still trying to verify that one but signs are pointing to it being true) moved from Ireland and also the pics that he sent me are not of him. I just have a feeling something is off about him, he's too secretive. His laptop is of course in the shop and another thing he claims to golf just about every Saturday and Sunday (it rains a lot in Ireland so that made me suspicious). Thank goodness I didn't get too wrapped up in him.

[Moneypenny]

Anyway looks like he's married and actually lives in Australia .... Thank goodness I didn't get too wrapped up in him.

 

Thank goodness indeed! Trust your instincts from now on. You knew something was off... I'd not engage any further with him if I were you. Just disappear.